Chapter Twenty-Six Dominic
Chapter Twenty-Six
Dominic
M om, you have to take me over there,” Dominic said to his mother after Melinda and Emmy Jac had settled for the night in the spare bedroom toward the back of the house. “I need to talk to her.”
He’d spent the rest of the evening anxiously thinking about where Amanda had gone to and what she must have been thinking. He hadn’t even known she was there when he’d first walked out and discovered his ex-wife was visiting.
He shouldn’t have been surprised that she’d shown up, honestly. One of the things they’d talked about in couples counseling as they were separating was how guilty she’d felt for not being there more after his initial injury. It made sense to him that when she had seen the news about everything, she’d do something like this to prove to herself she wasn’t that person. It was a really nice gesture, but that’s all it was.
A gesture that was more about appeasing her own guilt than actually taking care of or comforting him.
But though he knew that, he couldn’t begin to imagine how all that had looked to Amanda. Not that he owed her an explanation—she’d very clearly broken things off with him—but she deserved one anyway.
“Dom, you need to think about this a bit more,” his mother replied, cautioning him with her hand on his forearm as they stood next to the kitchen island. “You can’t just be playing around with that girl.”
He couldn’t see her as she was cautioning him, but he could easily picture his mother’s face when she was scolding him—the way her brows furrowed, and she always turned up the corners of her lips, not in a smile but more in a judgmental manner.
“What are you talking about?” he asked. “I’m not playing around with anyone. I need to explain to her…”
“Explain what?” Ellen asked. “Because if it’s anything short of ‘I love you, and I want to be with you no matter what,’ then you need to walk away and let her go.”
His body stilled, and his mother’s words rolled around in his head. Did he love Amanda? It sounded so real, so true when he thought about it… but how was that even possible? They still barely knew one another.
“I see the way that girl looks at you, and she adores you,” Ellen continued. “She’s all in if you let her be, but you need to think very carefully about if that’s something you want. If you are just going to move to New Jersey in a few months, then don’t put her through any of that. Be kind, Dom.”
New Jersey. Shit. He’d completely forgotten about that.
“What if I don’t?” he found himself saying, unsure of where that line of thinking was even taking him. “What if I don’t take the job?”
“Taking that job is all you’ve been talking about since you found out about it,” his mother reminded him.
Except he’d just completely forgotten about it. “Yeah, but that’s only because it was something to look forward to. It was a future to picture for myself, something to give me purpose. But I don’t know if I need that in the same way anymore. I can picture my life here in Heart Lake just as well as that job—maybe even more. There’s a future here for me if I want it, I know it.”
Ellen was quiet for a moment, then cleared her throat. “I think that’s the question then, Dom. Do you want it?”
“Can you type out an email for me to Eric?” Dominic asked his mother, then dictated to her what to say in it.
She typed it up quickly on his cell phone and read it back to him, then paused. “Should I hit send? If I hit send, that job goes away.”
“Hit send,” he confirmed, because nothing felt truer in that moment than the fact that he didn’t need to move to New Jersey to find a future.
He had one right here in Heart Lake, whether Amanda wanted to be with him or not. But God, he hoped she did. He hoped he could change her mind and beg her to give them a chance.
“Let’s go, then,” Ellen said, wrapping her arm around his elbow and guiding him toward the back door.
She helped him down the porch steps and across the yard. He could hear the sounds of the lake to his right and the crickets in the grass around him. The view of the lake was half the reason he’d moved here, but he hadn’t realized until right then how beautiful the lake also sounded. The feeling of the chill, crisp air against his skin that had that freshwater smell to it, and there was a hint of pine trees just beyond that. The closer they got to Amanda’s house, the more he could smell the sunflowers, and he hadn’t realized how much they smelled like her.
When they reached the Sunflower Cottage’s back porch, Ellen helped him up and then knocked hard on Amanda’s kitchen’s sliding glass door.
“Should I wait until she answers to leave?” Ellen asked him.
“No, it’s fine,” he replied. “She’ll come. You can go.”
Probably more romantic not having his mother chaperone the moment.
“Okay, but my contact information is pulled up on your phone in your pocket. Call me to come get you anytime. I’ll watch out the window, too.” Ellen fussed with him, guiding his hand to the siding of the back wall of the house. “Be careful, okay?”
“Mom, I promise I’ll be okay,” he assured her. “Thank you.”
She gave him a quick hug, and then he heard her steps retreating down the porch steps. He waited a few moments longer before he reached his hand up and knocked again on the glass door.
A sudden whooshing sound in front of him made him take a step back.
“Dominic?” Amanda asked, and he figured that sound must have been her opening the door. “Are you okay? How did you get over here?”
“My mom helped,” he told her. “Can I come in?”
He felt her hand on his arm and let her guide him into her house. He recognized the path they were taking to Amanda’s living room, and when he felt her couch at the back of his legs, he carefully sat down on it. The cushions sagged next to him as Amanda sat beside him.
“What’s going on, Dom?” she asked quietly.
He turned his body to face her and reached out a hand, placing it on what felt like her leg. “I turned down the job in New Jersey. I’m staying here, Amanda, and I want it to be with you. I can hire a nurse or someone to be here to help around the clock with my healthcare needs. I would never want you to feel like you’d have to do everything or be the one responsible for taking care of me.”
“You’re staying? Wait, what are you talking about? A nurse?” she asked, her hand now on top of his and squeezing it. “I feel like I’m missing some context here.”
Dominic backed up his train of thought. “Earlier, you said that we couldn’t be together because you can’t meet my needs. Amanda, the last month of getting to know you and this last week of actually dating, they’ve been the best moments of my life. I don’t want to just walk away from that without knowing I tried everything. That we tried everything. I know that being with someone with limited sight is going to be a challenge. It’s a lot to ask, and I know it’s frankly unfair of me to ask you to be with me, with all I can’t give you. I know that there will be things I can’t plan for, and there will be things that I can’t do, and I know money isn’t the solution to everything, but it can offer help. I would never want you to feel like you have to be my caretaker, and I’ll hire a whole staff of nurses or a house manager or whatever it takes to make you feel like that burden isn’t yours to carry.”
“Dom, you are not a burden. You’re not a burden at all,” Amanda said softly, her hand on his chest now. She moved it up to his neck and then cupped his cheek. “I’m so sorry you thought that was what I meant.”
He leaned his face into her hand, relishing the feeling of it. The comfort and softness of her touch was a remedy he hadn’t even known he’d needed in that moment, and then when her arms wrapped around his neck in an embrace, he felt like he was melting into her.
His arms circled her waist, and he pulled her torso against his, hugging her tightly. Her hair smelled like flowers and tickled his cheek, but he didn’t let go. He couldn’t… wouldn’t.
Still, he didn’t understand where that left them. “What did you mean, then?” he finally asked.
She pulled back now, her hands running down his arms until they found his hands. She held both of his hands in hers and squeezed tightly. “Dominic, you’re clearly a physical person. You said it yourself—your marriage was all about sex. And I met Melinda today, and she’s freaking gorgeous.”
“Okay?” He wasn’t sure where she was going with this. “Why does that matter?”
“When you were in the shower, you… you were…” she continued. “And it really just hit home for me that I can’t meet that need for you. You deserve someone like Melinda who can.”
He furrowed his brow, which was pretty hard to do with bandages on his eyes. “This is about sex?”
“Yeah,” Amanda replied. “What did you think it was about?”
“Honestly, I’ve never been more confused in my life,” he replied, now laughing slightly. “Are you upset I got hard in the shower? I’m really sorry if that was offensive. It was a bit of an unusual situation.”
This was absolutely not where he’d seen this conversation going tonight.
“No,” Amanda said, her voice strained now, and he could tell she was getting frustrated. “Do I just need to say it? Are you just going to make me say it?”
“Well, you’re going to have to say something because I’m absolutely in the dark over here,” he replied. “Both literally and figuratively.”
She chuckled. “Morbid joke, but fine. Dominic, I don’t want to have sex.”
Had he asked her to have sex? He felt like he’d missed a few pages in this story.
“Okay, that’s fine,” he replied. “I promise, me coming over here tonight was not at all with that intention.”
“I don’t mean tonight, Dom,” she continued. “I mean, I’ve never been someone who wants to have sex… with anyone. And I don’t think I’ll ever be that person. If you’re giving up this job, then it can’t be for me.”
Suddenly, a lot of the things she’d alluded to over their time together were starting to fall into place. “Oh. You mean, you mean you’re a virgin?”
“No,” she countered. “I’ve had sex before, and it’s fine. It’s not like it’s terrible or anything. I just… it’s not really interesting to me. Doesn’t hold a lot of appeal.”
“Wow,” he said, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck. He was trying to put together all these pieces, but, damn, it was a lot. “When you said you couldn’t meet my needs, you meant sexually.”
She sighed. “It’s not fair for us to get romantically involved in something where you’re always going to want something I can’t give you very often, or ever at all. You have to call them back and take that job. You’ve worked so hard for it.”
“I’m not taking the job whether we’re together or not,” he assured her. “I don’t want to leave Heart Lake. I don’t want to leave the life I’m creating here. I don’t want to leave you even if it’s only friendship.”
She looked like she didn’t believe him. “That’s… That’s really sweet, Dom.”
“It’s just how I feel.” But, he felt like his brain was on a conveyor belt going through a machine as he pieced together everything she was talking about. “Okay, so wait. Let’s back up. Can I ask some questions? Not to be rude or obtrusive; you don’t have to answer them. I just, I’m trying to understand this whole no-sex thing.”
“Of course,” Amanda replied. “If I can answer it, I will.”
“You don’t want to have sex ever in your life?” he asked.
“It’s not that extreme,” she replied. “It’s more like, if I were to have sex, it would be for the other person. It wouldn’t be something I particularly enjoy myself. I’ve had it before, and it’s fine.”
“But you don’t want someone you’re with to have it as an expectation, right?” he continued.
“Right,” she agreed. “Because I think I’d get resentful if it was supposed to be this big, important thing I always had to perform or do or whatever. It wouldn’t feel authentic. And I think the other person would also get resentful because they’d be asking all the time.”
That made sense, and he could see her line of thinking. It wasn’t something that had come up in his marriage to Melinda because they were the type to not talk about things deeply and avoid feelings with physical intimacy and sex. The opposite was true with Amanda, however, in that everything between them was deep and intimate on an emotional and connective level. He had been looking forward to having sex with her at some point—she was beautiful and he enjoyed sex and sexual release—but he also hadn’t seen it as some sort of mandatory checkpoint for them.
“Two more questions,” he continued. “Does that mean you don’t want anything physical? Kissing, cuddling, everything?”
“What? No!” Amanda leaned closer to him on the couch and her hand squeezed his knee. “I’m always touching you. I love cuddling, and any sort of physical touch that is affectionate.”
“Kissing, too?” he clarified.
“That’s a newer one for me,” she admitted. “I think I’ve always lumped kissing in with sexual activities, but kissing you has felt… well, it’s actually felt really nice. I guess I’m just worried it couldn’t, or wouldn’t, stay at just kissing.”
“Last question then,” he said. “Do you care if I still take care of myself from time to time on my own?”
“You mean like…” He could practically hear her discomfort in the way her body shifted, and he imagined her cheeks were turning red. “Oh, God. Of course. I would never tell someone not to do that. That’s your business. I’d be completely fine with that.”
He thought about it for a minute, weighing the possible outcomes she was presenting him. Honestly, though, it didn’t seem like a hard decision. A surprising one, for sure. Definitely not what he’d been expecting to talk about tonight, but he was actually relieved that it was something much smaller than he’d expected.
“Okay, deal,” he said, reaching a hand out to her like he was offering a handshake.
“What deal?” Amanda sounded confused, not taking his hand.
“I’m fine with us being together, with or without sex,” he continued. “I just want to be with you, Amanda. I never wanted you just for your body or for what you can give me. I want you because you make me laugh, things are absolutely never boring around you, and I feel like I can talk to you about anything. I wake up thinking about you, and I miss you when I go to bed at night and you’re not there. Sex is great, but it means nothing if I can’t have you.”
Amanda’s hand held his, and she lowered it to her lap, holding his one hand in between both of hers. “Dominic, are you sure?”
Her voice was soft and nervous, but there was nothing he was surer of in his life. If that was all she needed, to feel safe and comfortable not being pressured into a physical relationship, then he could absolutely give that to her. She’d already given him so much more.
“It’s not even a question, Amanda. I’m sure,” he repeated. He lifted his other hand to her shoulder, feeling for her neck and then coming to a stop on her cheek. “I would like to kiss you right now, though.”
He heard her giggle, and she moved closer to him. “I’d like that, too. A lot.”
Her lips pressed against his and she climbed onto his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck.
He held her against him, his hands on the small of her back. As their kiss deepened, he knew that this was everything he’d ever wanted. There was a feeling of belonging here in her arms that he’d never felt before—this was what he’d been looking for all along, and he didn’t care that he was making sacrifices because she was, too. They were in this together, and there was a commitment here that felt like it was going to be forever.
It was strange to feel so found after going through a time when he’d been so lost.
Amanda pulled back slightly, her forehead resting against his. “You know,” she whispered, “I’ve never felt this way ever before. Here, with you, I can truly be myself. I don’t have to pretend or hide any part of who I am. It’s like you see me, the real me, and you love me for it, and that’s so wild to think about.”
Dominic smiled, his heart swelling. “That’s because I do love you for who you are, Amanda. Every quirk, every imperfection, every dream, and every fear. I love all of it because it’s what makes you, you.”
Amanda’s eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I’ve spent so long trying to fit into other people’s expectations, trying to be who they wanted me to be. But with you, I can just be Amanda. And that’s enough. That’s more than enough.”
Dominic pulled her close, holding her tightly, and knowing he’d never let go. “You will always be enough, Amanda. You are everything I’ve ever wanted and more.”