Chapter 1 #2
“He’s already accomplished so much for his age,” Gramps continues.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets tapped for department head before forty.
” Gramps gives a little laugh, then pauses, like he’s not sure whether to continue before saying, “You know, Roslyn, maybe if you’d finished medical school, this could have been you. ”
I suppress an inward groan.
Really? We’re still doing this? Then again, Gramps never tires of reminding me of my wasted potential.
“It’s a little late for that now,” I say, pushing the now-cold lasagna more aggressively across my plate.
“You could always go back,” Gramps says. “I’m good friends with the director of admissions and—”
“Gramps,” I say, cutting him off. “I’m not going back, okay? I have a writing career.”
Another lie. I had a writing career. Emphasis on had. But I haven’t written anything in almost a year, not since my mother’s death. I told my agent I’d have a new manuscript for her by Christmas, but it’s September, and I haven’t got so much as a premise.
Gramps’s eyes narrow on me. “Your writing is more of a hobby, wouldn’t you say?”
I thought I’d get used to the little digs since I dropped out of medical school nine years ago. But nope. They still sting.
“No,” I say tightly. “My career isn’t a hobby.”
I wait for Gramps to push back, to condescendingly ask how many copies I’ve sold, or make a comment about romance being an unserious genre even though he’s never read any of my work. Instead, Gramps gives me a hard, unblinking stare that’s worse than if he’d said anything at all.
I sigh and look down at my plate, wishing my mom were here.
If she were, she’d defend me the way she always did when Gramps made comments about her losing yet another job or getting pregnant at sixteen.
While I’ve always been too much of a people pleaser to stand up for myself, my mom wore Gramps’s disappointment like a badge of honor, a declaration that she didn’t care what he thought of her.
Not Gramps. Not anyone. But now that she’s gone, there’s no buffer, no one to suggest we leave and get gas station Popsicles instead. No one is left to be brave for me.
The thought aches like a phantom limb whose absence I can’t shake, until Grammy clinks her fork against her glass, commanding everyone’s attention.
“I know it wasn’t easy to get you all together this evening,” she says, casting my brother a look from across the table.
“Hey, don’t look at me!” Jonah says. “It was Roslyn who kept canceling.”
“I was sick,” I lie.
“I thought it was taxes?” Bella asks.
“That too,” I mutter.
Grammy chuckles good-naturedly. “As much as we love getting the family together for dinner, I must admit that your grandfather and I had an ulterior motive in bringing you here tonight.”
Everyone sits up a little straighter, brows furrowing with curiosity.
“It’s been a hard year on all of us.” She pauses, and my chest cramps the way it always does when my mom comes up.
“Which is why your grandfather and I have decided to do something special on this family trip.” Gramps takes her hand, both of them exchanging soft smiles before she says, “We’re going to renew our vows in Hawaii. ”
There’s a pause of silence before the table erupts into a chorus of cheers and excited chatter.
Despite our differences, I’ve always admired the kind of love my grandparents have.
The kind that’s rooted in true admiration for each other.
The kind that used to fuel my writing, back when I believed in happily ever afters and grand gestures and the power of a great kiss. Before my own marriage imploded.
“When Gramps and I got married fifty years ago, we didn’t have the money for a real wedding,” Grammy goes on.
“Your grandfather was just a poor med student, and I didn’t have two nickels to rub together.
But now, we’d like to finally have the wedding we always wanted, and it will be even more special because we’ll have all the people we love most there with us. ”
Everyone except Mom, I think.
I glance up and down the table, surveying the faces of my siblings and grandparents, wondering if anyone else feels it too. The sharp edges of grief. The sting of her absence. But everyone looks excited, happy even, and I can’t help feeling like all the air is evaporating from my lungs.
Maybe it’s because I’m the one who was in the car with her when she died, or because we were always closest, but I feel like her death has hit me much harder than everyone else. Like I’ve lost a vital organ while everyone else is nursing a few cuts and bruises.
Grammy goes on about the trip, talking about how much it means to have us all there before assigning roles for who is in charge of flowers and food and activities (Jonah, a classic firstborn, agrees to everything while Bella whines that she’s too busy with med school) before looking to me.
“Roslyn, Gramps and I were talking in the car on the way here, and we’d both love it if Liam would do the ceremony. He did such a wonderful job when he officiated Jonah and Ben’s wedding.” She nods toward my older brother and his husband. “Will you ask him, dear?”
Panic shoots through my chest, mouth instantly turning to sand.
Liam’s not supposed to go on the trip. He’s supposed to stay home while I drink mai tais and enter my coastal grandmother era.
I already had it all planned out. Twelve hours before our scheduled departure, I was going to call my grandparents and explain that poor Liam had a bad stomach bug and couldn’t make it.
They’d express their disappointment and wish Liam a speedy recovery, and I’d pretend to hem and haw over whether to stay behind and take care of him before finally agreeing that it was best for me to come on the trip without him.
After all, it’s what Liam wanted me to do.
It was for the best. But Liam being asked to officiate a vow renewal was not part of the plan!
My stomach tumbles back and forth like I’m already aboard the cruise, overcome with seasickness, and I look down at my plate, wondering if I might be sick.
“Dear, are you all right?” Grammy asks me, putting a concerned hand on my knee. “You look ill.”
“You’re not going to puke, are you?” Bella asks.
“Maybe you caught something from Liam?” Jonah asks.
“I’m fine,” I croak.
But I’m not fine.
I was hoping for a few more months before I came clean about Liam and me, at least until the dust settled and the wound wasn’t so fresh. But now the circumstances have changed, Liam has become essential, and I don’t know how to tell the truth without wrecking the trip.
Ever since I dropped out of med school, I’ve tried so hard to be good, unproblematic, the one who minds her own business and stays out of trouble.
Like maybe if I can just do everything else right in life—marry the right man, show up to family dinners, and keep to myself—I’ll somehow work my way out of family purgatory and back into their good graces.
But ruining my grandparents’ vow renewal with Liam’s and my shitty news will just prove that Gramps is right. I am the family disappointment.
I rack my brain, trying to come up with a solution, something to buy us more time. But the more I think about it, the more it feels like I’m standing in front of a train barreling down the tracks with nothing I can do to stop it. I’m going to have to talk to Liam.
I look back at Grammy and Gramps. “Of course I’ll ask him,” I say, forcing a grin. And as if my nose isn’t long enough, I add, “I’m sure he’d be delighted.”
Apparently, rock bottom has a basement. And I’m in it.