Chapter 42
Now
As soon as I’m back in my own cabin, I let the tears race down my cheeks in thick, hot waves. I’m crying so hard, I barely hear the knock on the door until Jonah calls my name.
“Roslyn, open up! It’s us.”
I swallow my breath before opening the door, where Bella and Jonah are both standing, red-faced and sheepish.
“If you’ve come to tell me I’m making a mistake—”
“That’s not why we’re here,” Jonah says. “We just want to talk.”
My eyes dart between them, unsure if this is some kind of ambush to tell me how awful I am for breaking up with Liam and lying about it.
Or possibly to tell me off for wrecking Bella and Chris’s moment—which I definitely deserve—but the concern etched across their faces brings my defenses down and I step aside, letting them in.
“Are you okay?” Bella asks as soon as the door shuts with a thud behind them.
I frown. “Aren’t you mad? I just ruined your engagement.”
She chews on her bottom lip. “I mean, I have a lot of questions, but the first thing is whether you’re okay?”
Part of me considers one more lie, just to get them off my back, something to smooth out the crinkle between Bella’s brows, to fix the mess I’ve made, but I’ve already been this honest, I might as well go all the way.
“No,” I admit. Then in a lower voice, I add, “I haven’t been okay for a while.”
Bella’s expression softens. “Want to tell us about it?”
My first thought is that I don’t know how to. I don’t know how to talk about Liam. About everything that happened. About the swell of hurt that’s taken up permanent residence inside me for the past year. But I think I owe them this, so I find my breath and start from the beginning.
I tell them about how things got bad after Mom’s death. How we grew distant and Liam started sleeping at work. I tell them about when he left. The three months without him. How ashamed and hurt and broken I felt.
Then I tell them about the plan. How we decided it was better to pretend to still be together than ruin the trip.
How the family would be so upset. How they’d blame me for ending my marriage.
I tell them how he and I were fighting until we weren’t.
How things got better. How we opened up and were honest with each other.
Then I tell them he’s gone and now I don’t know what will happen next.
When I’m done, they don’t say anything, Bella just pulls me into a hug and squeezes me tight.
“I’m sorry you’ve been carrying this alone,” she says into my neck.
“You’re not mad at me for lying to you all?” I ask again.
She shakes her head. “Of course not. Breakups suck. We saw Mom go through enough of them to know that.” She glances at Jonah, who nods in agreement. “But I wish you could have told us what you were going through,” she says.
“I know how much you all love Liam.” I pause, choosing my words carefully. “I guess I was scared that you’d all hate me, that you’d choose him over me.”
Bella’s face softens. “We do love Liam, and I know we haven’t always been super close, but you’re our sister. We’d never choose anyone over you.”
My heart stretches against the confines of my rib cage.
“I get how you’re feeling and why you didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone,” Jonah chimes in. He presses his lips together before he says, “A few years ago, Ben and I actually considered divorce.”
A sonic boom goes off in my chest. “What?”
Slowly he nods. “Thankfully we were able to work through it, but I couldn’t sleep for months because I was terrified to tell anyone,” he admits. “It felt like this huge personal failure. There was a lot of shame involved. So trust me when I say that I get not wanting to tell people.”
My lungs expand and contract with a mix of shock and hurt that Jonah went through that alone, just like I did. That I had no idea.
“I’m sorry you and Ben went through that,” I say after a beat. “I can’t imagine how hard that must have been, especially with the kids.”
“It was rough.” He pauses, hesitating before he says, “Ben and I are here if you ever need anything. Somewhere to crash, a hot meal.”
Typical Jonah to offer practical resources like food and shelter.
“Thanks,” I tell him. “I appreciate that.”
The corners of his mouth creak out an uneven grin, and I don’t realize I’m crying again until I look down and see the blotches on my cover-up. I sniff and wipe the snot from under my nose.
“I’m sorry,” I say to Bella. “You just got engaged and I totally ruined it. We should be popping champagne and celebrating. I’m the worst sister ever.”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Bella says, putting a hand on my shoulder. “You’re going through something really hard right now and we’re here for you. We can always celebrate later.”
I feel my heart expand, stretching to make room for the mix of hope and love and relief all crashing together inside me.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “I know I don’t deserve that.”
Bella shakes her head. “Yes, you do. Everyone deserves some grace.”
I push out a shaky breath, allowing myself to soak up her words.
“I know I should have been honest earlier,” I say after a pause.
“But ever since Mom died, I’ve been in a bad place.
” My throat clogs, my eyes stinging with tears, but I press on, needing to get the words out.
“And the further I sank into the bad place, the harder it was to reach out, to ask for help. Especially when it seemed like everyone else was moving on and getting over her, while everything in my life was getting worse.”
Bella reaches for my hand, and I let her take it. She tangles her fingers with mine and gives them a squeeze. “We didn’t just get over Mom’s death,” she says, her voice quiet, barely above a whisper. “Why would you think that?”
I look between my brother and my sister, unsure where to even begin.
“It seems like you did, like you don’t even miss her,” I say. “I mean, you even said you were relieved she wasn’t here.”
Bella’s mouth parts then closes to form a tight line. I feel her trying and hesitating to speak. “Of course I miss her. She was our mom. I just…” She pauses, combing a hand through her hair. “My feelings towards her are complicated,” she finally says.
“What do you mean?”
“Mom was…” She gestures vaguely. “A lot,” she says at last. “And after she died, there was a lot of anger and resentment to unpack.”
My skin tightens, awareness pressing against the walls of my chest.
“You and Mom had so much in common that I never had with her, and I always felt left out,” she admits.
“Even when I got into med school, it was like she didn’t really care.
She was always more interested in you and your romance books.
You two were so similar, and I could always tell she liked you better. ”
The words hit me in the center of my chest. I had no idea Bella felt that way. Or that it hurt her.
I never thought my siblings cared that Mom and I were closer, considering how much praise and validation they received from Gramps and Grammy—approval I never got. But now I can see that’s not true, and the realization twists inside me like a scalpel.
I grip her hands tighter. “She was always proud of you,” I tell her. “And she loved you so much, even if you two were different.”
“I know, but…” She hesitates, her eyes flashing with something timid. “I just never felt close to her. And even after she died, there were reminders of it.” She swallows, her gaze dropping to the bracelet on my wrist.
“I know I pushed Mom away when I was younger, but I also resented that she didn’t show more interest in me.” Then, lower, in a voice close to a whisper, she says, “I’ve been angry and hurt for a long time.”
I think about what Liam said at the beach. That grief is complicated, and not all the emotions make sense or are easy to digest. Words that feel truer than ever.
“But even though I was angry, I still missed her,” Bella goes on. “It’s why I started reading romance novels. I guess I wanted to try to connect with that part of her.”
Understanding pings inside me. Bella isn’t over Mom, or relieved she’s gone. She’s just grieving differently. Perhaps we all are.
I turn to Jonah. “Is that how you felt too?”
His eyes dip away, then back to me. “After it happened, I just felt, I don’t know…
” His mouth migrates to the corner of his jaw.
“Empty inside. Like this huge part of my life, someone who was both a source of joy and frustration, was suddenly just gone, and I didn’t know what to do with those emotions, or how to respond to that, so I guess I just didn’t.
I filled up the schedule with more activities and work obligations, so I wouldn’t have to think about it,” he admits.
“The last year has been so busy with the kids and work and everything that I feel like I haven’t yet had time to process her death. ”
My insides corkscrew with awareness. My siblings and I have all been struggling with her death, but in different ways.
And if only we’d leaned on and confided in each other, it might have made the burden of grief a little easier to bear.
Maybe the last year wouldn’t have been so hard, or so isolating.
Because maybe grief isn’t meant to be handled alone. Maybe it’s meant to be shared.
“For what it’s worth, I’ve been unpacking resentment and confusing feelings towards her too,” I admit.
Bella’s eyes dart up to meet mine. “You have?”
“She was my best friend, and I miss her more than anything,” I say.
“But I think you were right the other day, Jonah.” I look at my brother.
“I only wanted to remember a certain version of her, because it was easier that way.” I pause, gathering the next words.
“But the truth is she wasn’t always a good mom. That’s been a hard reality to accept.”
As soon as I say it, I feel stricken by the same guilt I had when I told Liam, but almost instantly it’s swallowed by the look of understanding slipping across both Bella’s and Jonah’s features.