Chapter 43
Now
There’s an instinctual part of me that wants to tell Gramps to go away, that I’m not in the mood for another verbal laceration. But there’s an uncharacteristic discomfort to the way he’s looking at me that catches me off guard, so I open the door wider and gesture for him to come inside.
Bella and Jonah swap uneasy looks, but I give them a nod that says, It’s okay, and they both shuffle out of the room to give us some privacy.
As soon as they’re gone, Gramps clears his throat. “How are you?” he asks.
My eyes narrow. “Not great.”
“Right, right.” He scratches the back of his head.
“If you’re here to criticize me again and—”
He shakes his head. “No. Actually.” He coughs into his fist. “I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for what I said earlier.”
I step back, shocked. Gramps, whom I’ve never heard admit fault once, is apologizing? To me?
He licks his lips, pushing out a breath before he says, “I realize that my response to you ending your marriage with Liam was…” Gramps hesitates, his eyes dipping to the ground then back up to me.
“Inappropriate of me,” he says at last. “You’re right.
I don’t know what happened between you two, and it was wrong of me to tell you what to do. ”
His voice comes out almost mechanical, and I wonder if Grammy pushed him to come talk to me the way she so often did when it was my mom he needed to smooth things over with. But the flash of regret behind his usually stoic expression makes me feel like he means it.
“Thanks, Gramps,” I tell him. “I appreciate it.”
He presses his lips together. “Your grandmother and I love Liam very much, and this is obviously hard on all of us. But you’re our grandchild, and we will be there for you.”
My heart kicks against my ribs. It’s everything I ever wanted to hear from him. I should be elated. Instead, my whole body feels tight, like all my internal organs have been smooshed together.
For a long minute, he doesn’t speak, and I wonder if that’s the end of the conversation, until Gramps says, “You’re so much like your mother.”
“I know, you told me,” I say tightly.
His expression falls, but he picks it back up to say, “I think you’re even more alike than I expected.”
My tongues swipes across my bottom lip. “What do you mean?”
“She was passionate about the things that mattered to her. The people too,” he adds, giving me a long look.
“She always knew how to stand up and say what she thought, a quality I admired, even when she was standing up to me, and I think I saw that in you today too. It reminded me so much of her, it was a bit like seeing a ghost.” He shakes his head, eyes turning glassy before he says, “I miss your mother every single day.”
Pressure builds in my chest. A hot press of air, weighing down my sternum.
“You do?” I ask, my voice small, fragile.
He nods. “You never expect to outlive your child. You think you’ll always have them, that you’ll be the one to go first, that you’ll have more time.
But there wasn’t enough time with her and there’s so much I regret.
” His voice falters before he continues, “I made a lot of mistakes with your mother. Most of which are things it’s too late for me to fix. ”
An ache builds behind my ribs. In all my life I’ve never once seen Gramps get emotional, but his usually stiff face softens, giving way to something pliable. Something weighed down by the pain and grief of losing his only child.
“I know I put a lot of pressure on you and your siblings to achieve what your mother never did,” he goes on.
“But I want you to know that I’m proud of you for what you have accomplished, and I’m sorry for not listening to you.
For not supporting your choices, especially your writing.
” His jaw sets with determination. “You were right about what you said, that I don’t know you as well as I should.
But that’s my fault, and I’m going to try to do better. ”
A thorny knot appears in my throat. “That means a lot, Gramps,” I force out.
He makes a strangled little coughing sound before he says, “The other night Liam told me I should read one of your books.”
My chest feels tight all over again, but this time for a different reason.
“He did?” I ask.
Gramps’s chin dips into a nod. “The first night we arrived, actually. You’d gone off and he and I were talking after dinner. He told me I should read the one on the island. About the man and woman who meet at the couples’ retreat and pretend to date.”
He frowns like he’s not sure he’s gotten that right, and my skin flares with heat because that one is quite spicy—like sex-on-the-beach, face-sitting spicy.
“It’s not my usual reading material,” he goes on. “But Liam told me that you’re a terrific writer who works harder than anyone he knows. Then he told me I was an idiot to not give your work the chance it deserves.”
“Liam said that?”
“He’s very proud of you, you know.”
A dull throb spreads across my sternum.
I think about the past ten days, all the ways he’s fought for me, both in words and actions. How he’s listened and been honest and let me in. How he’s gone to therapy and stood up for me, the way I always wanted him to. Most importantly, how brave he’s been.
But what about me?
I picture Liam on his way to the airport, about to go do one of the scariest things of his life, alone, because I was afraid. Because despite wanting him to fight for me, I haven’t done the same for him. I haven’t been brave.
My whole life I’ve been scared. Of heartache.
Of not being enough to make someone stay.
And maybe so has Liam. But while he’s gone to therapy and worked to break the patterns of trauma, I’ve been fearfully barricading my heart, afraid to truly give him a second chance.
To give us both a second chance. The one we each deserve.
The realization scatters inside me, breaking off into a million tiny pieces, which work their way into every cell, every particle, until I know without a doubt what I need to do.
Maybe things won’t work out with us. Maybe we’ll lose each other again. Maybe it will hurt like hell. But I don’t want it to be because I didn’t fight for us. Because I couldn’t be brave. Because this time I’m the one who wasn’t there when he needed me.
I turn to Gramps. “Gramps, I really appreciate you coming here and saying all this, but I have to go. There’s somewhere I need to be.”