Chapter Twenty-eight #2
She looked up to see Harper standing in the doorway, her eyes more blue than green this morning, still half-closed from sleep, and Franky right next to her looking nearly as sleepy. She’d been surprised that Franky hadn’t stirred when she’d gotten out of bed.
The adorable pair made her world feel cozier. “Breakfast. Though your refrigerator and pantry were scandalously sparse. Have you stopped eating?”
Harper shrugged. “No, but I’m overdue to go to the grocery store.
I’ve just been busy. The holidays are tough at the bar because most of my bartenders want to travel to see their families or at least spend more time with them, go to holiday parties, but I…
don’t do any of that, so I work a lot more at this time of the year. ”
“That’s really sweet.”
“Eh.” She shrugged again. “It’s the only thing that makes sense.”
“Do you want coffee? It’s ready.”
“Sure.”
Charlie got them both coffee, and they settled at the table to wait on the rolls to bake.
Somehow, it was both clunky because it felt like they should have hugged or kissed or touched or all three when Harper had come into the kitchen, yet comfortable because being near Harper was where Charlie knew she was supposed to be.
And she was certain it was up to her to fix the awkward part. She was the one who’d fucked it all up.
“I’m really sorry I left the way I did. I wish I could go back in time and talk to you before then. It was so shitty. Ultimately, I did the right thing, but there were dozens of ways I could have left that would have been fair to you, and I didn’t…I’m so sorry.”
“I was so mad at you—so fucking mad—when I saw your note that morning.” She looked into her cup and then back up at Charlie.
“But I was also a little relieved because I was so mad that you used to work for that company. The company that had such a bankrupt moral culture that they buried the truth about the train cars multiple times before the accident happened.”
Charlie wanted to throw up, but she laid her hand on Harper’s forearm because she needed to touch her.
She needed Harper to feel the warmth of her hand and their physical connection to emphasize the truth.
“I had absolutely no idea about that. That was not in my department. And I was so engrossed in my own stuff that I didn’t really even follow the news on it.
But when I found an anomaly in my department, I called it out. ”
“I know.” Harper shook her head. “I just needed a little time to process it, I think. I was in shock and so upset in the moment at finding that you’d once worked for them and that you’d taken a payout…”
“It just all happened so fast. I was not going to be an employee there any longer regardless, and signing the NDA just felt like the civilized route and the one that didn’t have vague threats wrapped around it.
I was able to leave with a tiny shred of dignity.
It wasn’t worth it. I know that now. But in the moment, when I had to make a snap decision, I made the wrong one.
And I hate myself for it. But I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to make amends as best as I could.
To be clear, I didn’t do anything wrong, but my attorneys included an immunity agreement for me for anything that came up during the SEC’s investigation. ”
“As well they should have,” Harper interrupted.
“Yes, I really like my attorney. Which you already know since you know I had dinner with her and her wife. Regardless, and as a condition of that immunity, I can’t really talk about what I was doing in DC, so I need you to promise me you won’t say anything about what I’m about to tell you.”
“It’s okay,” Harper said. “Based simply on the fact that you have an immunity agreement with the SEC, I think I can guess…and had for the most part already from our texts. But I promise you, I won’t share anything you tell me.”
“Good. Because I want you to know that I’ve spent these last weeks decoding some of the SEC’s evidence and helping them build a case, trying to make up for my transgressions as best as I can.
” Even though Harper had been nothing but supportive so far, Charlie still was having a hard time breathing, terrified at whether Harper would think she’d done enough.
Harper slid her arm back and flipped it until she was holding Charlie’s hand, and Charlie’s breath flooded back at that simple gesture.
“I know. I think you’ve done everything you can.
Everyone makes mistakes. And while I want to blame everyone at D.
B. Graves for Kelly’s death, I know you didn’t have anything to do with it.
But if we’re going to try to do this, can we agree to not run away—not physically or emotionally—when things get hard? You have a history of that.”
Charlie squeezed her hand. “I promise. No more running. I’m here for the long haul. But you mentioned us running?”
“Yeah.” Harper let out a nervous laugh. “As I stewed about you running away, I realized that I have a similar problem. I ran away from my home in Chicago because things were hard, but I also ran away from Kelly’s family, the only family I have left, because seeing them was too hard too.
But it wasn’t fair to me or them to shut them out.
I’m trying to do better, but I also shut you out emotionally the night that the SEC showed up.
And that’s not how I want to live. I’ve gotten so used to shutting my pain and fear away that I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to truly live.
And I want to truly live with you. If you’ll have me.
” The earnestness in her eyes made it hard for Charlie to swallow.
Because she didn’t know if she could swallow the L word with the look Harper was giving her. And did she even want to?
“That is very good news. Because I want to live—really live—with you too. Our two tiny apartments over the bar feel more like home to me than my enormous condo in Manhattan ever did. I feel like I’m living my life for the first time in decades when I’m with you.
I love this little space we’re finding together.
” She took a deep breath. “I love you. I think I have for a while now, but I’ve never said that to anyone other than my parents before, so it feels strange to say but so right with you.
” Charlie sucked half her bottom lip into her mouth and bit it while she waited for Harper to respond.
She’d been feeling so confident about it moments before, but Harper’s blank expression made Charlie’s palms go sweaty.
She felt like she’d laid herself bare, and the longer Harper didn’t answer, the more her confidence slipped away.
As Charlie was getting ready to walk the words back somehow, though she wasn’t exactly sure how she could un-ring that bell, one corner of Harper’s mouth started to quirk up.
Then the other side. As Harper’s smile grew, the tightness in Charlie lessened. “Good. Because I love you too.”