Chapter 4
Chapter Four
Ada was bleary-eyed from the long weekend, nursing a cup of coffee and going over her notes for her first patient on Monday morning.
It was often hard for her to get her mind around every new patient, but she found it essential to remember everything they’d told her throughout their time together.
She didn’t want to feel neglectful or forgetful.
On Ada’s desk was a plaque that read: DR. ADA WAGNER. She’d kept her maiden name at her practice, wanting to hold on to a piece of her past, the opera singer Ada Wagner. She remembered how quickly she’d corrected Quinn at the opera house, saying she was Ada Bushner now, and winced.
Natalie popped her head into the office, smiling as she asked, “How did it go this weekend? Was it amazing?”
Ada grinned. “It was really great.” She wouldn’t tell anyone how complicated it had been for her. She’d decided it didn’t matter enough.
Natalie groaned. “Manhattan! Opera! It’s all so romantic.”
“Peter and I walked by our old places,” Ada said. “It’s hard to believe we were ever so young.”
“You’re still young!” Natalie said. “Forty-three is the new twenty-five.”
“Tell that to my abs!” Ada said, thinking of the powerful torso she’d sculpted and how essential it had been for her opera career.
Natalie stuck out her tongue. “You look fantastic, honey. No way around it.”
A few minutes later, Ada’s newest patient entered the office and sat down, her cheeks gaunt and her skin pale. It was Katrina Petri from last week. But it was as though grief had caught back up with her and drawn her back into the depths that she’d thought she was done with.
“Good morning, Katrina,” Ada said. “How are you?”
Katrina took a strained breath and played with the frayed ends of her hair. “I feel ridiculous.”
“You’re not ridiculous,” Ada assured her. “Where is that feeling coming from?”
“I told you that I was falling in love with someone,” she said. “I was so sure that he was my future, that he was my ticket out of sorrow after what happened with my husband.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing. I mean, he’s been around, sort of. Sometimes. But other times, I feel sure he’s going to disappoint me.” Katrina raised her chin to look Ada dead in the eye.
Ada was caught off guard by how penetrating Katrina’s gaze was.
“Tell me about your relationship,” Ada said after a moment. “What do you do together?”
A smile played across Katrina’s lips. “We have fun in a way I forgot was possible. We go for long walks and take long drives, and sometimes laze around, listening to music. He’s a good listener. I’ve told him all about my husband and how disappointed I am about how my marriage went.”
Ada’s heart pumped. How could she instill in this woman the confidence to persevere despite her many previous hardships?
Ada said, “He sounds kind. Considerate. Have you told him how uncertain you’re feeling with him? Maybe he would be receptive.”
Katrina’s eyes flashed in a way that reminded Ada of Quinn’s on opening night. “No. I don’t know. How do you know if you can trust someone?”
Ada crossed her arms over her chest and thought back to the early days of Peter, when he’d come to all of her performances and sent her bouquet after bouquet.
It had taken her ages to acknowledge that she had feelings for him, too.
But when she’d finally agreed to go out with him, she’d been struck by how proud he’d been to be in her midst, to introduce her to all his friends, to have her on his arm.
It was like she’d been a treasure he’d discovered.
And Ada had adored being treasured, especially by someone as captivating and intense as Peter.
“I think it’s about how they make you feel,” Ada said finally, gesturing toward her own heart. “Do you feel safe with them? Do you feel honored and upheld?”
Katrina bit her lower lip, seeming to consider her new relationship—a man in her life who dared her to take another chance.
“I do,” Katrina said after a time. “At least, I think I do.”
“Maybe that’s all you need to know,” Ada said.
For a little while, Ada and Katrina talked about Katrina’s upbringing, her theories about love, and various things her first husband had told her, both before and after his affair had begun.
“I’m grateful that we had so many happy years,” Katrina said, “because it makes me think I can build something similar again.”
Katrina began talking about a group of women in Nantucket called the Salt Sisters. “I sort of heard about them by chance,” Katrina said, crimping her fingers. “There are seven or eight of them, maybe, and they meet regularly to talk about grief.”
It rang a bell for Ada. “I think I’ve heard of them! Hilary Salt founded the group, didn’t she?”
“I believe so,” Katrina said thoughtfully. “It was Hilary I spoke to on the phone.”
Hilary Salt was the daughter of a famous Swedish actress and the mother of another famous actress.
Ada had heard that Hilary was renowned for her work in costumes, but mostly kept to herself here in Nantucket, spending time with the Salt Sisters and relearning how to enjoy life after a devastating loss.
If Katrina wanted to join their group for a sense of sisterhood, Ada was all for it.
When Ada had first heard of the Salt Sisters, she’d felt overwhelmed with compassion for these poor women, these women who’d gone through so much, who’d been wronged by their loved ones. They needed one another.
“I’m nervous that I’m not up for social encounters,” Katrina said. “It’s been so long since I had a real friend, you know?”
Ada’s heartbeat quickened. She hated how much she identified with what Katrina said.
“Friendship can be so essential during times like this,” Ada said.
“You can call them before and after dates and talk about how everything went. They can help you with outfits and eat ice cream with you when things go sideways. And true friends are always available for a phone call, no matter the time of day.” Ada thought back to when she and Quinn had called one another at two or three in the morning, crying about one situation or another, or sharing a funny story.
The time of day hadn’t mattered—unless one of them had a big show the following day and needed their rest. They hadn’t called in that case. Usually.
When their hour ended, Ada encouraged Katrina to reach out to the Salt Sisters and spend time with them.
“It isn’t right to put all your social weight on your new romantic relationship,” she said as she stood.
“It’s too much pressure on you and on him.
And I think you owe it to yourself to give this relationship a real try! ”
Katrina said Ada was right. “He’s really wonderful,” she said as she gathered her jacket. “But you’re right. I need other people. It can’t be only him.”
After a less strenuous day than usual, Ada was off work by four thirty and off to pick up Kade, Olivia, and Hannah, whose tennis practice finished early.
To reward them for being so responsible during their parents’ time in the big city, Ada had decided to take them out for a short beach hike followed by dinner at their favorite burger place.
Peter hoped to join them for dinner, although he wasn’t sure how late his surgery would go.
This was typical of Peter’s career and often made Ada feel sorry for him.
With other people’s mouths, he was delicate and took his time.
When they reached the start of the hike, Kade and Olivia began to race, their thin legs stretching out, while Hannah and Ada hung back.
Hannah was too adult for such things. When they’d gotten home last night, Hannah had been in her bedroom, listening to music too loudly and eating cookies.
Olivia and Kade had been downstairs, watching movies together.
Sometimes it felt like Hannah was the outsider in the family, just waiting for her parents to take her to college.
“How did the weekend go?” Ada asked, hoping her daughter would open up.
Hannah shrugged. “Fine. It was cool not to play tennis for a few days.”
“Do you not like it?” Ada felt stricken. Had they forced Hannah into a sport she didn’t care about, just for “college applications”?
“I like it,” Hannah said. “But it’s not like I’m going to play it professionally.”
Ada remembered how Peter had mentioned Hannah wanting to go to dental school. Delicately, she asked, “Do you know what you want to do? Maybe? In the future?”
Hannah scoffed. “It feels like everyone is asking me that right now. It’s intense.”
Ada stared down at her shoes, scuffing through sand and grass. “You don’t have to know anything right now. During that first year of college, you should explore everything you might be interested in. You’ll probably be surprised at what you end up with.”
Hannah was quiet. A seagull cawed overhead, and Kade and Olivia were a quarter of a mile in the distance, as though they’d forgotten about them.
Sometimes Ada wondered if she was actually a good therapist, since she wasn’t always very good at understanding her own children. But she asked questions. She tried.
“I don’t want to graduate,” Hannah said softly. “I mean, I do. I don’t want to go to school anymore. But I don’t really want what’s coming next either.”
Ada reached for her daughter’s hand, then thought better of it and held her own hand. Hannah was eighteen and far too old to want to hold her mother’s hand. Probably.
What could Ada tell her daughter to make growing up seem less scary? In all honesty, Ada was still frightened of growing up and getting older. She was forty-three and terrified of being fifty. What sorts of turmoil awaited her?
“We’ll come visit you,” Ada said. “Whenever you want us to.”
“I can’t be known as the girl on campus who misses her parents that much,” Hannah grumbled.
“Why not?” Ada joked, trying to laugh.
But Hannah gave her a dark look, and Ada's smile sagged.
“We love you so much, honey,” Ada said. “We want what’s best for you. We want you to be happy, comfortable, and open to change. But we know it’ll be hard.”
Suddenly, Kade and Olivia were sweeping back, their arms extended as though they were airplanes. Kade looked younger than fifteen, and Olivia looked older than thirteen, and suddenly, everything in Ada’s mind felt scrambled up. Her kids were young only briefly. Where had the time gone?
“It’ll be fine,” Hannah said stiffly. “Everything is always fine.”