Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Perhaps as a way to solidify her decision to herself, Ada called her mother the following morning and told her the news. Kathy shrieked. “Divorce? Ada, surely there’s a way through this. Husbands make mistakes. Wives pick up the pieces. Think of the children!”
But Ada was thinking of her children. She was thinking of the love she wanted to show them.
She realized that to prioritize her children’s needs, she had to put herself higher on her priority list. “I’ll come visit soon,” Ada told her mother, thinking of the little house and her mother all alone on the back porch, watching autumn change the leaves in the trees.
Her heart opened as she added, “I love you, Mom. I really do.”
Kathy sounded miffed. “I love you, too.”
That night and the one after it, Ada did her best to maintain a happy home.
Peter had requested that they wait another few days before telling the kids, so she practiced what she wanted to say to Kade, Olivia, and Hannah in her head and bided her time.
She also slept in the music room, where she’d begun to listen to old operas, some of which she’d starred in, humming the old solos she’d mastered.
Her throat was still tight, and there was no coming back from the injuries she’d sustained all those years ago. But music flowed through her again.
She thought again of the pianist at the jazz club and remembered that she’d offered singing lessons, a way back to dealing with music in a real way again.
Ada considered it, trying to imagine herself singing anything that wasn’t a radio hit or her children’s old favorite songs.
She remembered how Peter had said she hadn’t been herself in years.
She never should have turned her back on herself and music.
Then again, if she hadn’t, she never would have found out how wishy-washy Peter’s commitment was.
A few days after the last night in the Bushner marriage bed, Ada woke up at dawn, went for a long walk with an opera playing through her headphones, showered, and went to work.
Her first few patients of the morning were in their later stages of life, grappling with questions that Ada herself would one day encounter: how to deal with getting older, how not to hate a body that had begun to fail you, and how not to fear what was coming next.
Ada listened intently and provided context.
But she could see in her patients’ eyes that they thought she was too young to handle their problems. They were probably right.
Ada had begun to question her career as a therapist. What made her think that she could tell anyone how to be happy? Had she ever figured that out for herself?
At three thirty that afternoon, Nick Willis entered her office and sat across from her.
Ada’s heart pumped with the memory of their strange night at the wine bar.
It had felt like a date, but this was nothing she would ever admit to anyone.
But today, Nick looked different to her than he had that night.
He didn’t look quite as defeated. It was almost as though he’d discovered something new or come to a conclusion.
It didn’t take long for Ada to find out.
“I’ve decided something,” Nick said when she asked how he was. “I’m going to go traveling.”
Ada narrowed her eyes, surprised at her own visceral feeling. It was like her stomach dropped. “A vacation sounds perfect for you,” she said. “Especially after all you’ve been through. How long will you be gone?”
Nick shook his head ever so slightly. “That’s not what I mean. I mean, I’m leaving the island. I’m heading out. I don’t have any plans, and I don’t know when I’m coming back.”
Ada crossed her legs and set her pen aside. She considered what she might say. Something like, “Just because someone stood you up on a date, doesn’t mean you have to run.” But she sensed this was bigger than the failed date.
“Where is this coming from?” she asked. She hated that it felt like someone was leaving her. She hated that it felt almost personal.
“I woke up the other morning and realized that my daughter’s gone.
She’s really gone,” Nick said. “It’s like, I knew she was.
I took her to Yale myself. I helped her put the sheets on her bed and all that.
But it took a little while for it to sink in.
My wife is dead. My daughter’s grown up.
And I’m a poet, for crying out loud.” Nick’s eyes were wistful, almost hopeful.
“Nothing is keeping me here, or in the city, or anywhere else. I can travel. I can work from anywhere.”
Ada cupped her elbows, watching him intently. She hoped this wasn’t a sign of a nervous breakdown.
“Where will you go?” Ada asked.
Nick laughed. “That’s the fun part. I don’t know yet. I was thinking I could do it like in the movies. I could sell my car, head to the airport, and pick a flight out on the board.”
“Can you still do that?” Ada laughed.
“I don’t know. I think I can try,” he said.
“It sounds wonderful to throw myself into the unknown. For years, I’ve had Carleigh’s doctor’s appointments, tennis lessons, and homework assignments swirling through my brain.
Now, I don’t know where Carleigh is at any given time.
I don’t know if she’s doing her homework.
And I can’t care about that. I have to focus on myself. On my next steps.”
Ada couldn’t believe how wonderfully what Nick said mirrored what she’d been thinking. Perhaps all parents experience this after their children leave. Maybe it wasn’t so bizarre.
“I get it,” Ada said finally. She wanted to discuss her own fears and hopes for the future. She wanted to mention her divorce, but she decided it wasn’t professional.
Nick brushed the knees of his pants and smiled. “You’ve been a real help the past few months,” he said. “It was one of the more emotional times of my life, and I really needed it.”
Ada realized he was breaking up with her, professionally.
“You know,” she said, “if you want to, we can talk on the phone. Patient to therapist. Our professional relationship doesn’t have to end.”
Why did she want to keep him in her life? What was wrong with her? There was sweat on her palms and an urgent ache in her chest.
“Thank you,” Nick said. “But I don’t want to limit myself to any kind of schedule. And I think it’s finally time that I figure out my way through this on my own.”
Ada nodded. “I understand.”
Nick turned to look at the door, as though weighing whether he wanted the session to go the full hour.
Ada burned to ask him about the logistics of his time, specifically whether he was going to rent out his house in Nantucket and if he would be home for Christmas.
But now that he’d ended their contract, their relationship was nothing.
Nick got to his feet and extended his hand. Ada stood and shook it.
“Good luck,” she said. “I’m here any time you need.”
“I appreciate that,” Nick said. “Good luck to you, too.”
Ada hurried to open the door for Nick and stood in her office doorway until he retreated out onto the sunny street.
Natalie was at the front desk, her fingers clacking wildly over her keyboard, her eyes following Nick as he left.
When he’d disappeared, she looked at Ada. “Did he need to leave early?”
Ada softly smiled. “He says he’s done with therapy. You can go ahead and take him off the roster.”
Natalie looked joyful. “You’ve helped another patient, Ada. You should be proud.”
But before Ada could answer, the front door burst open and brought in a blotchy-faced woman wearing a black dress, the sleeve of which was torn and frayed. Her hair whipped around in wild curls, and her glasses were stained with fingerprints.
It took Ada a second to figure out who it was, and when she did, she nearly collapsed.
“Katrina?” Ada whispered, taking a step back into her office, as though she were frightened that Katrina was about to come after her. “What are you doing here?”
Natalie stood, eager to play bouncer if it came to that. Katrina waddled into the empty waiting room and ripped a tissue from the box on the front desk. She blew her nose comically, then turned her red eyes to Ada. Ada was speechless.
“I’m sorry for coming here,” Katrina whispered. “I know you don’t have room on your roster anymore. I know that. But you’re the only person I can talk to, Dr. Wagner. I don’t know where else to go.”
Ada gaped at Natalie. Katrina sobbed louder and covered her face with the tissue.
Natalie hurried around the front desk and put her hand on Katrina’s shoulder as Ada scrambled for answers.
Is this leftover sorrow from Katrina’s husband’s death and affair?
Have the Salt Sisters abandoned her? Has something happened to a member of her family?
And finally, why hasn’t she gone to Peter for help? Why is she here?
She must not know about Peter and me. That, or she just figured it out.
Ada took a breath. Natalie spoke to Katrina softly, telling her that she needed to call and make an appointment first. “Can I call a cab to take you home?” Natalie suggested. “I don’t think you should drive like this.”
But Katrina balked and blew her nose again.
Ada softened and tried to reason with herself.
Now that Nick had cut his session so short, Ada had a little bit of time to talk to Katrina.
Maybe, now that Ada and Peter’s marriage was really over, Ada and Katrina could talk reasonably about what was going on.
They were adult women in a difficult situation.
However, women were often expected to take the lead during times of strife.
“Come into my office, Katrina,” Ada said, stepping back and beckoning. “It’s good you came.”