Chapter 22 #2
“Well. There are libraries all over, Nora. Have you thought you might have an easier time in another place? You said you were disgraced. But that’s just here. That’s just in this one little town. What’s holding you here?”
“My family,” I said. It was true. I was trying with Shirley, and hoped I could start to love her.
Bobby still felt distant to me, but that might change with time.
If I went away again, it might not. And even if I could somehow get a high school diploma, I didn’t want to go be an airline hostess, smiling at the general public, assisting with crying babies.
I didn’t want to meet a handsome pilot or any other man that I’d eventually have to either lie to or horrify. I didn’t want to do anything.
“You could always come back to visit them. When you were in New Jersey, did you get a chance to go into the city?”
I knew she didn’t mean Paterson. “Just in passing,” I said. I didn’t know how she imagined Shaded Acres, or how things were there. It wasn’t like they took us on field trips.
“Well,” she said. “I can tell you I loved living in New York as a young woman. A single woman. People are less judgmental there, not so caught up in everyone else’s business.”
“I hated the cold,” I said.
“I see. What about California then?”
I almost laughed. The other side of the country.
“I could even help you get started. Maybe give you a little seed money? I have friends out there. I could make some phone calls, help you find a situation. You’re still young, Nora. A lot of people go out there to start over. People change their names. They change everything.”
I was silent, watching her. She hadn’t realized that she’d tipped her hand.
Maybe her husband thought I was lying about Bradenton, but if she felt guilty enough to want to give me seed money, even on top of the money they’d already spent for Shaded Acres, she must believe I was telling the truth.
I was glad that she believed me, but I wouldn’t take another penny from her.
I didn’t want her to be able to write to Leonard that she’d purchased a clean conscience for him.
I didn’t want her to tell him I was a charity case, either.
“I might get married,” I said. “Someone’s asked me.”
She straightened her shoulders. “I’m not surprised,” she said. “What do you think of him?”
I didn’t know what to say to this. For the last half year, what I’d mostly thought of Russ was that he wasn’t Leonard.
Now I saw the differences between them to Russ’s advantage.
Russ wasn’t a coward. He wasn’t some little boy needing me as ammunition in his war with Daddy. And Russ loved me, even as I was.
“I think highly of him,” I said. I liked the way she was looking at me now, with more respect. “I’ll likely say yes.”
“Oh Nora. That’s wonderful! Where do you think you two might settle?”
“Here,” I said. “He’s from here. He’s got a flooring business.”
“Well. He could put in flooring anywhere.”
“He’s established here,” I said. “Quite established.” Tell your husband that, I thought. And see you at the country club. But she only looked happy for me.
“Everywhere needs flooring.” She paused. “I’m still thinking it might be good for you, even as a married woman, to get away from St. Pete. To not have…so much old baggage. You’ll likely have children with this man, and you wouldn’t want them to hear. What would this fellow think about—”
“I’m not having more children.” I wanted her to understand. “That broke me, Mrs. Lifton. That broke me, giving away my daughter. That was my daughter. I had to give her away.”
She looked as if I’d slapped her. I could only hope she now understood, in a way she hadn’t before.
“You still might be happier, with a fresh—” She paused and started again. “Someplace new. Without the memories.”
“My family’s here,” I said. “Why do you want me to leave town?”
For the first time, for as long as I’d known her, she slouched.
“It’s for you,” she said quietly. “I want you to leave for you. Before he comes back.”
I felt panic rising. “When’s that?”
“I don’t know. The negotiations have started again. That’s why China released the list. Leonard wrote to us that when it’s over, they’ll likely come to St. Pete.” She glanced at me, nervous. “Of course we want him to come back here. And she’s curious about Florida.”
With one breath, I took this in. My face didn’t change. The sky could have cracked in half, and you wouldn’t have known it to look at me.
“Well, well,” I said. “I see why you thought I should leave.”
She nodded. “Might be easier.”
“For me or for him?” I cleared my throat. “Excuse me. For them?”
“Oh Nora. For you. He’s my son, but I’ve always cared about you. Whatever you want to believe, I’m thinking of you. It won’t do you any good to have to worry about bumping into them every time you leave the house.”
“Maybe he should worry,” I said. “Maybe he should worry about bumping into me.”
She didn’t say anything to this.
“What’s this girl like?” I asked, hating myself for it.
“It doesn’t matter. Don’t worry about her. You have so much potential. You could go anywhere.”
A new suspicion came to me. “Did he ask you to suggest I leave town? I bet he’d love that. I’m sure he doesn’t want me to meet her. Boy, would I have a story for her.”
“She already knows,” she said. “Apparently they already discussed the matter.”
“The matter?”
“I’m just quoting him, Nora. I’m sorry.”
I hated this girl, this girl who might be Japanese or German or a USO girl from Toledo, this idiot girl I knew nothing about, who knew the most shameful thing about me.
I didn’t envy her, though. If Leonard did bring her back to St. Pete, and I saw the happy couple in passing, I’d just feel sorry for the girl, with her lying coward of a husband.
Even if no one believed me, I would know the truth.
I stood up. “Thank you for your concern,” I said. “But I won’t burst into tears if I see them, I assure you. I’ll be fine.”
This wasn’t a lie. This was a promise to myself. One I was determined to keep.
“Okay.” She stood as well. “You’re the captain of your ship, Nora. But I’m rooting for you. I hope you know that.”
“I do,” I said. Leonard was her son, and of course she still loved him, right or wrong.
But I could tell she cared for me, still.
I could see it in her face, and hear it in her voice.
She just didn’t understand that a new town wouldn’t change things for me.
St. Pete was my home. If Leonard and his new girlfriend, or wife, didn’t like seeing me, they could be the ones to leave.
I stepped out of the shade of the overhang, then turned back, shielding my eyes. “Are you going to tell your husband I came by? He told me I shouldn’t bother you.” I waited. “I won’t do it again.”
“Okay,” she said. “I understand. I won’t tell him.”
Here she was, once again keeping something from her husband for me.
I thought of that French saying, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
I knew how to say it in French. But my accent was still terrible, and it wasn’t as if she and I would have a good laugh over it.
I took one last look at her, then turned and walked in the direction of dignity, step by shaky step until I reached my bike.