Chapter 26 #2
I had nothing to say to that. It seemed to me that she’d already put it together. I took my hand back, told her I’d get the candles, and went out to the front room to get Russ. He asked me if I’d been out in the sun, and I told him the kitchen was hot.
Before we left, Mae called out for me to please pick up some milk, too, and I said fine, I would.
—
In the truck, Russ fiddled with the tuner, searching for the game.
Fine with me, as I was still needled by what Mae had said.
It wasn’t any business of hers if I wanted Russ to drive me to the store, and to go in with me.
She didn’t know what it was like for me to come into town, with all the people I didn’t want to see.
We hit a pothole, and the tools in the lockbox rattled so loud that I cried out, my hand on my heart.
Russ laughed, then saw my face and apologized.
I turned back to my window, felt the pressure of tears, and pinched the bridge of my nose to stop them.
I thought of the dog waiting by the fence.
“Nolan’s is right up ahead,” I said, pointing at the turn. Russ drove past it, saying he’d been meaning to check out Central Plaza. He wanted to know what they’d done with the place.
I got the joke. Central Plaza was the shopping center built over the land that had included the site of Russ’s childhood home.
I’d heard on radio advertisements that this new shopping center had over two thousand parking spaces, and the Publix there was air-conditioned.
I was curious about it myself. But when we arrived, I saw we were hardly alone in our interest. We circled the massive lot twice without finding a space.
“The whole town is here,” Russ said. “Let’s just go back to Nolan’s.”
I looked at my sideview mirror. Where did that girl go? She was here. I was still her. I could go into a store by myself to pick up some candles and milk. I turned to Russ.
“You can drop me off. I’ll run in.”
He looked at me, surprised.
“It’s fine,” I said. “You can just listen to the game. I’ll be right out.”
He dropped me off in front of the Publix and said he’d circle the lot until I came out.
“Ten minutes,” I said, and slid down onto the hot blacktop.
I wouldn’t tell Mae that I’d gone into the Publix by myself.
For one, I didn’t want her to know she’d gotten under my skin.
For another, she wouldn’t be so impressed.
And so far, I was fine. I didn’t recognize any of the shoppers streaming past me, pushing carts and carrying bags, fanning themselves with free hands.
The automatic doors parted before me, and the air-conditioning hit me like a wave.
It was the nicest grocery store I’d ever seen, the interior cool-toned and gleaming.
There were at least ten checkout lines, every one of them busy.
I walked fast but with my chin up, just another shopper, and found the milk without trouble.
By the time I walked past the meat department, I felt calm enough to go up to the counter to ask if they had any giveaway meat for a dog.
The man behind the counter wrapped up some old turkey for me, free of charge.
He said he didn’t know where they kept birthday candles, so I walked up one aisle and down another, weaving past other shoppers until I saw a stock boy on his knees, loading up a bottom shelf with cans of soup.
“Excuse me,” I said. “Could you please tell me where I might find some birthday candles?”
The stock boy turned around. He wasn’t a boy. He was Leonard, wearing a pale gray apron, and a matching bow tie. I stood there, not even breathing, holding tight to the turkey and the milk.
“Nora.” He got to his feet. I turned on my toes and started walking, sirens going off in my head.
He wanted to talk? No. I didn’t want a polite conversation with him, pretending bygones were bygones.
I had plenty of things I wanted to say to him, but I didn’t want to say them in a crowded grocery store, with Russ circling the parking lot. All I wanted was to escape.
I got in the shortest line for checkout, my heart pounding, sweat cooling on my hairline.
The woman in front of me turned to me and smiled.
Maybe she saw I didn’t have a lot to buy, or maybe she saw my face and worried that I was ill.
For whatever reason, she said I could go in front of her.
I might have thanked her. I hope I did. When it was my turn, I dropped the turkey, picked it up, and explained that it was just free scraps for the dog.
The cashier nodded, and I paid for the milk.
I had trouble even counting out the change, my mind whirling.
Leonard had looked different. Older? But that made sense.
He was older. He’d wanted to say something to me.
But there was nothing he could say. Nothing worth hearing.
He’d had his chance to explain. He’d had chance after chance after chance.
“Have a nice day,” the cashier said. I could tell from her tone she’d maybe said it to me before, and I didn’t hear her. She nodded to the bag boy, my grocery bag already nestled in his arms. “Jimmy here will walk you out.”
I managed to smile at Jimmy, grateful for him, for his strength and stability, though he was just a kid, and not much taller than I was. And then Leonard was beside him, towering over us both.
“I got this one, Jimmy,” he said. He lifted the bag and looked at me. “Ready, ma’am?”
If I’d been able to speak, I would have said that I’d carry my own groceries.
If I’d been able to control my voice, I’d have kept it icy and quiet and calm.
But I was sure that if I opened my mouth, I would start shrieking right there in front of the cashier and the bag boy and the nice lady who’d let me go in front of her.
I looked at Leonard’s gray apron and thought, He wants to be my bag boy?
Okay. Fine with me. That’s all he is to me now.
I pulled my sunglasses down, picked up my purse, and started walking to the automatic doors.
I hadn’t quite reached them when he caught up to me.
“You cut your hair,” he said.
I stopped and looked up at him. I liked that he couldn’t see my eyes, that they were hidden by my sunglasses.
But I could stare up at him, seeing clearly.
He wasn’t as handsome as he had been. His right eyebrow was mostly gone, the skin beneath it smooth and shiny.
He had a blister near the tip of his nose, and his hair had thinned considerably.
Ugly on the inside, I thought, coming out.
It was then I caught sight of his left hand, the one that clutched the paper bag.
It would only occur to me later that he wore no wedding ring.
At that moment, all I noticed was that his hand was missing two fingers—there was a little nub where his pinkie had been.
The ring finger was cut off at the knuckle.
Someone said, “Excuse me,” and I turned to see a woman with a cart. Leonard put his hand on my shoulder to guide me out of her way.
“Don’t touch me.” I knocked his hand off my shoulder. I didn’t know what to make of the missing fingers. I couldn’t think. The automatic doors slid open for the woman, and the heat of the day blew in.
He shifted the bag. “Guess your hair isn’t all that’s changed.”
He said this in an accusing way, a disappointed way.
I took off my sunglasses so he would see my disgust, so he would know I didn’t care about his disappointment.
I didn’t even care what happened to his fingers.
I wanted to grab his bow tie and twist it until he couldn’t breathe.
I wanted to press my thumbnails into each of his eyes, to not let up even after he yelped for mercy.
He was disappointed because I wasn’t being a good sport?
He had no idea. I wanted not just to hurt him, but to wound him as I was wounded, to scar him as I’d been scarred.
Instead, I crooked my finger and beckoned him to lean close. He looked nervous, but he did.
“You think I’m just going to smile nicely at you, play catch-up?” My voice was quiet, but I articulated each word. “Thank you for carrying my damn groceries? Just give me the bag and go back to stocking soup. You’re a pathetic excuse for a man.”
He handed over the bag. I looked again at his hand, at the nub and half knuckle. He deserved it, I thought. Whatever had happened to him, to his fingers, it wasn’t enough.
“Nora.” He spoke quietly, through clenched teeth. “I was just trying to tell you hello. And to say congratulations. I heard you got married.”
My anger flamed. I could barely breathe. If he thought I was going to now congratulate him on his marriage to the blond girl, their vows already taken or imminent, he was wrong.
I made my voice syrupy. “Step outside with me, will you?”
I didn’t wait for an answer, just turned and started walking.
The doors again slid open, the heat and humidity engulfing me.
I scanned the lot for Russ’s truck, didn’t see it, and moved behind a column at the store’s entrance.
I didn’t know if Leonard would follow, but when I turned, there he was, looking down at me, his face incredulous.
As if my anger surprised him. Get ready, I thought. You have no idea.
“On second thought,” I said. “I’ll take your congratulations. Because that’s the right word. I married a man with integrity. I married a man who isn’t a coward.”
His head snapped back. It was like I’d hit him. I was glad for this.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” He said this sadly, like he was up on the cross. Father, forgive her, for she knows not what she’s talking about. I wanted to kill him. I held tight to the groceries, worried I’d drop them. At the bottom of my vision, the edge of the paper bag trembled.
“I know better than anyone.” I moved closer. Even in the shade, I was already sweating. “You’re a coward, Leonard. Not a man at all. You should be ashamed.”