Chapter 19 #3
Clem knew she shouldn’t take comfort in the opinion of her teenage babysitter, but she found herself smiling on the drive back to town, right up until she stepped foot inside Penwarra Hall.
Clem struggled with the buttons on Harriet’s pirate shirt. Her fingers had been sure on the laces of the shiny black boots a moment ago, and they’d had no issue adjusting the strap of Harriet’s pirate hat, but that was before Spencer Hawkins walked in and headed straight for her.
‘Hi Mr H,’ Indi said, spotting him and tugging Clem’s sleeve.
Any other time Clem would have had a quiet giggle at Indi’s delighted tone, but today, with Harriet in a funk because she didn’t like the scarf around her neck, or the moustache Louisa had suggested they paint on with mascara, Clem kept her gaze firmly on the task at hand.
If he’s expecting me to break the ice, he’ll be waiting a long time, she told herself. Finally, the button slipped through the buttonhole, a task made even more difficult by the way Harriet hopped from foot to foot as she asked Spencer about Dolly, and the bees, and then the TV show.
Clem straightened her daughter’s eye patch and eventually ran out of jobs to legitimately keep her from addressing the handsome man behind her.
The man she’d cast as a murderer when he’d told her about Belle’s death.
The man who had more time for her daughters than their own father did, Clem reminded herself as he crouched down to listen to them, and took his time answering and validating their many questions, instead of brushing them off or treating them as a passing amusement.
‘Mum says we can’t watch the TV show. We don’t even know if it’s still on TV, but everyone seems to be talking about it. Even Mum and Isobel in the car before.’
Clem gave a silent groan.
‘Do you have to do any more filming, Mr H?’
‘Yep,’ said Spencer with a grave nod. ‘I’ve got one more trip to Sydney in late February and then the show’s all over.
And nope, you definitely don’t want to be watching it.
Smart girls like you have got way better things to do with their time.
Your mum’s got the right idea with programs like Muster Dogs.
Did you see the episode where the littlest kelpie got kicked by a cow?
Had me worried right up until the vet gave her the all clear. ’
Harriet nodded vigorously, and although Indi had spent most of that episode focusing on her dolls, she chimed in with her opinion too, as animated as all get out.
‘Good luck with the dress rehearsal, Harri, and remember to project your voice,’ he said. ‘You’ve worked so hard, you’ll nail it, for sure.’
Harriet’s chest puffed out a little after Spencer’s pep talk and she rushed off with a spring in her step.
‘I was hoping we could have a word, Clem,’ Spencer said, turning his attention to her.
‘I’m not sure—’
At that moment, Louisa appeared in the middle of the stage, commanding the room’s attention with a clap of her hands.
‘Let’s prep for the first two scenes please.
Costumes are looking great, Mia and Leearna,’ she called.
Clem followed the direction of Louisa’s gaze and spied her friend pinning a teenager into an impressive great white shark costume.
This was the cue for the parents and non-cast members to either disperse outside, or take a seat in the audience.
Clem looked between the hard seats she’d be sitting on and the large double doors Ian was about to close.
Sitting in silence beside Spencer for an hour, trying to predict what he wanted to say to her and how she should respond, while trying to watch the dress rehearsals, was a recipe for disaster.
‘We’re heading outside,’ she told him, taking Indi’s hand.
‘There’s a tree Mum said I can climb today. You can come too, Spence,’ Indi said, putting her free hand in his and giving him her toothiest smile.
Alarmed, Clem wriggled her hand out of Indi’s sticky little grasp. It would only have been moments before the cheeky little scamp lifted her feet off the ground, and nothing screamed ‘relationship’ more than a man and a woman swinging a three-year-old between them.
‘Here’s trouble.’ Ian grinned, his eyes lingering a moment on his son-in-law’s large hand linked with Indi’s tiny one. ‘I hope this little lassie isn’t leading you astray?’
Indi giggled, looking all kinds of adorable, and Clem couldn’t help noticing the way Spencer dwarfed her little girl.
So the bloke’s got big hands, get over it. He’s also got a very different opinion on a major ethical issue.
She swallowed, trying to shore up her traitorous heart, which kept melting at the sight of the two of them together.
‘You could very well be right.’ Spencer chuckled softly. ‘If Indi and I get stuck up the top of the cypress trees out there, I want it on record that it wasn’t my idea.’
Indi giggled again, and for the life of her Clem couldn’t think of a single thing to say as she followed her daughter, and the man who’d broken her heart, outside.
‘Clem—’ Spencer waited until Indi was absorbed in her tree-climbing mission. ‘I feel terrible about the way we left things.’
Clem nodded.
‘Me too. Spencer, I should never have been so insensitive, it was an awful way to react and I can’t imagine how hurtful that was.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking too, and maybe this was bound to happen.
I mean, we only knew each other for a short time, just long enough to establish it wouldn’t work. ’
Her heart hammered so loudly she was sure he’d hear it.
When he drew in a quick breath, she held up her hand.
‘It’s okay. New year, new start. Even if we agreed on everything, there’s no need to waste any more time on something that wasn’t meant to be.
I’m sure messages are flooding into your inbox from women eager to help you get over the heartbreak with Emily. ’
She met his gaze then, but looked away quickly, jolted by the depth of emotion she saw there. For a guy who’d seemed pretty good at avoiding his feelings, it looked like today, his eyes had missed the memo.
It’s like the unwanted puppies and kittens people try to offload at community markets.
Regular Joes get sucked in by those deep, woeful eyes and then whammo, suddenly they’re scooping up dog poop, wearing earplugs every night to drown out the barking, and their couch has become a very expensive pet bed.
She wasn’t letting her feelings sway her logic this time.
They held opposing views on a major issue that had impacted both their lives, not to mention the children he wanted. It couldn’t possibly work.
Spencer was surprised by the apology, and how much it meant to him, but he’d at least thought Clem would hear him out instead of writing their relationship off completely.
Even if she regretted the argument, it doesn’t mean her mindset’s changed.
He shook off the negative thought. She had a good reason to react the way she did but the more he thought about it, the more he hoped they could keep working to bridge their differences.
‘I’m sorry for the hoopla you’ve had to witness with the TV show and for making you sneak around to be with me. I’m not so good at talking about Belle, or the way she died, and it’s always been easier to shut down, or change the topic, than talk about my feelings.’
Spencer watched Clem absorb his words, her gaze never leaving the low branch Indi was playing on.
Just as his focus had been on protecting his heart and honouring the contract he’d signed with the TV station, hers had always been on protecting her daughters, and she worked her butt off, night and day, to do so.
The knowledge that those girls were the centre of her world made him love her even more.
Having children that were biologically his own, with a mum who mightn’t love and cherish them like Clem did, felt less important when he watched her with them, when he’d felt little Indi’s hand slip so easily into his, and when his words had soothed Harriet’s frayed nerves.
Clem turned to him, but her arms remained locked across her chest, her shoulders stiff, and his nerve started to waver.
Is it too late?
‘Maybe it was a bad call right from the start,’ Clem said.
‘I should have gone with my gut and steered clear of everything reality-TV related. I wish I’d turned down that catering job, because the small boost it gave the cafe’s bottom line wasn’t worth the turmoil and heartache this has brought into my life. ’
Spencer’s hopes lifted for a moment at her reference to heartache.
It was a relief to know that of all the things he stuffed up, he hadn’t mistaken the way she felt. She’d been invested too.
‘Let me make it up to you, Clem. South Giddi Giddi’s being sold. I’m done with the TV show, and I can be the partner you need.’
Clem shook her head sadly. ‘I can’t flick a switch and forget.
We’ve both been married, but you lost the love of your life.
I haven’t got a chance of competing with Belle’s ghost, especially when you don’t even talk about her.
Before that disastrous day in the props room, I hadn’t heard you speak her name.
No anecdotes, no frustrations, no nothing.
How can you move on if you can’t even talk about her? ’
‘I’m going to try,’ he said, feeling the hope seeping out of him.
Clem shook her head sadly. ‘Even if we agreed on all the fundamental things, I’m the opposite of what you’re looking for, Spencer, you said it yourself.
You might think you like the idea of all this—’ she waved at Indi, who was riding the low-hanging branch like it was a horse, clicking her tongue to make a clip-clopping sound, ‘but it’s even more of a circus than the TV show, and I don’t have an off-camera therapist or a contract end date.
‘You should find someone who’s young enough to start a family, someone who isn’t pre-occupied with growing a small business to fund her children’s future.’
As much as she tried to maintain a matter-of-fact tone, Spencer felt a fresh wave of regret at hearing the pain in Clem’s voice. She finally met his eye as she nodded sadly.
‘Let’s consider this a close call. We’ll get the play done, then you’ll move somewhere new, I’ll find an alternative honey supplier for the cafe and we’ll probably never cross paths again.’
He was doing a terrible job of expressing what he wanted. That was the opposite of what he was proposing, but it looked like Clem had made up her mind.
‘You don’t … don’t want to try to work this out?’
Clem shook her head again, not meeting his eye. ‘I think it’s for the best, Spencer.’
A cry rang out through the air and they both rushed to the swamp gum. Indi lay sprawled on the ground underneath, nursing her wrist. They crouched down beside her.
‘Hey, are you okay?’
Clem gathered the little girl into her lap, wrapping her arms around her and kissing the top of Indi’s soft braids. ‘It’s okay, Mum’s got you, honey. You’re alright.’
She gave him another of those sad smiles. ‘She’ll be fine.’
He stepped back, knowing if there was a chance to rectify this situation, he needed to rethink it. And fast.