Chapter 3
“Molina! We have a plane to catch, bro.” Our catcher, AJ Copeland, is walking toward my car.
We leave for LA this afternoon, and the unease I’ve been carrying since leaving Harlan in bed this morning settles deep in my stomach.
He’s waiting to hear from DHS. It’s likely that he’ll get the news while I’m gone.
The thought of him being alone for that call makes me want to go right back home to him.
“What’s wrong?” AJ puts a hand on my shoulder.
He’s a good friend. As the only other out player on the team, and one of very few in the entire league, we’ve bonded since we started playing for the Scorpions four years ago.
“Harlan may be leaving.” I know that deserves more of an explanation, but words feel hard right now. My head is a jumbled mess of ‘what if’ and ‘how’ and ‘it’s not fair.’ I hate feeling helpless, and I’ve never felt more helpless than when I kissed him goodbye today.
“Leaving, like for work?” AJ and I start toward the team’s bus with our luggage. We get closer to the rest of the players milling around, navigating around a few guys tossing a football back and forth. I usually love the energy of the group right before we travel, but I don’t have it in me today.
“No, like they won’t renew his visa, so he would have to go back to the UK.
It was never meant to be permanent, but we thought he’d at least get this last extension.
DHS was supposed to call him today, but they hadn’t by the time I left to come here.
” The chaos of the rest of the team loading onto the bus prevents further conversation, and part of me is grateful that I don’t have to put my broken heart on display for my friend right now.
Even though Harlan isn’t talking about it much, I can tell he’s not handling this well.
He keeps assuring me that he’s ok, but I can tell by how infrequently he’s laughing and smiling that he’s been spending a lot of time overthinking everything.
He’s also been going for runs in the early hours of the morning.
Harlan has always loved watching the sunrise in Prospect Park on his runs, but he’s been adamant about getting up so he doesn’t miss a single one.
At night, he’s insatiable, and the sex has never been better.
Our sex life has always been out of this world, but the intensity is just different.
It’s as if each time he’s planning for it to be the last time.
The need to talk about it is unyielding—I want to talk about it, to have a plan, but he avoids any mention of anything beyond the moment that we’re in.
It’s frustrating to know that he’s trying to deal with all of this on his own.
I keep telling him that we’re a team, that I want to help carry the weight of it all.
We’ve both agreed that we’ll do what we can to make it work, but he’s shied away from discussing what that looks like.
The trip from the stadium to the team jet at the airport is full of typical rush hour traffic.
Every hour feels like rush hour traveling from Brooklyn to Queens.
Everyone is in a hurry, horns honking, people cutting each other off to get nowhere fast. I watch it all with disinterest. Once we’re on the tarmac, everyone shuffles to the plane.
Normally, I’d be engaged with my teammates.
This is my third team since being drafted out of college, and it's by far the closest group of guys I’ve played with.
There’s very little drama, and everyone gets along well.
The team owners have been big on the team being a family, and that’s what it feels like.
My own family is in Miami, so I don’t get to see them often.
Before I met Harlan, I was spending the majority of the offseason with them.
Since meeting him, we split our time between Miami and New York.
I travel with him to photoshoots whenever our schedules allow.
It’s a welcome reprieve from the constant travel of my job and the occasional travel that his job requires.
We alternate holidays with our families, so some are spent in Florida and others in the UK.
As complicated as our situations are, we’ve always made it work seamlessly.
When I’m settled in my seat, I pull my phone out to check for messages from Harlan.
There’s nothing, but at least I’ll be able to connect to the plane’s Wi-Fi for the six-hour flight in case he gets the news while we’re in the air.
I try not to dwell on the fact that I should be home with him and open our messages to send him a quick text.
Me
Hey, sweetness. We just boarded. I’ll have my phone connected to the Wi-Fi if you need me. I love you.
Lan
Love you, Dare. Safe travels.
His use of my nickname eases some of the apprehension, but not all.
What started out as a joke from Julian has stuck with me through my entire professional career.
It’s exhausting correcting people when they think my name is pronounced Dare-ee-o, so I get a bit prickly when other people use the nickname.
Harlan is free to call me whatever he wishes because it all sounds hot in his accent.
He’s planning to go out with Penelope tonight, so that gives me a measure of comfort that he’ll have his best friend.
The distraction is exactly what he needs while I’m gone.
“Fuck,” I mutter to myself. I toss my phone into my bag after setting up my playlist. Once my earbuds are in, I pull my hoodie over my eyes and hope that my ‘fuck off’ vibe is operational.
As much as I want to talk to Harlan, I’m not at all interested in talking to anyone else about what’s going on.
Turns out my ‘fuck off’ vibe is not working.
A body plops into the seat next to me, but I make no move to address whoever it is.
If I had to guess, it’s AJ, or his best friend, and our shortstop, Julian Rodriguez.
Not to be deterred, the unidentified person’s hand slips into my hood to pull my earbud out.
“Seriously, bro?” Rodriguez, then. I roll my eyes even though he can’t see my face.
“Yeah, seriously.” I don’t turn to him, hoping he’ll go away. Jules is nothing if not persistent. He exudes golden retriever energy; his goal is to make sure everyone is happy. It’s impossible to be stern with him. It’d be like kicking a puppy.
“Dare, what’s going on?” The genuine concern in Julian’s voice has me lowering my hood.
Rather than answering, I pull out a tin of chocolate chip cookies from my backpack.
Harlan loves to bake for us, especially when we’re traveling, and distracting Julian for a minute will give me a second to gather my thoughts.
Jules’s face lights up as he snatches the tin from my hands.
“If you don’t marry that boy, I just may ask him myself,” he says around a mouthful of cookie.
Looking at him, I take a deep breath before launching into the whole situation.
“Harlan’s visa extension was denied. They’re appealing it, but if they don’t get it figured out, he has to go back to the UK.
L&L has already told him that they’d set him up in the London office.
If they don’t approve the extension, he’s leaving in like three weeks.
” I inhale, fidgeting with the strings of my sweatshirt before looking up at Julian again.
“He’s been a fucking mess. He won’t talk to me about it much, like if we don’t acknowledge it, it’s not real.
” AJ leans over from across the aisle, apparently having listened to the mess that my life has become.
“He’s supposed to have an answer today, but when I left, he still didn’t know. I felt like shit leaving him.”
AJ, our resident fuckboy, is our relationship expert, despite how allergic he is to commitment.
“You guys will figure it out. Just give him some time to go through the emotions of it, you know? You two are so solid. I can’t picture a world where you aren’t together.
And maybe the appeal will get overturned, and none of it will matter.
” He shrugs, ever the optimist. “But if it does happen, sit him down and come up with a plan. And spending the offseason in Europe isn’t a bad gig. ”
“You make it sound so easy,” I grumble.
“No, I don’t think it’ll be easy. None of the things that are worth it are ever easy.
That’s a lot of strain to put on a relationship, no matter how healthy it is.
It also doesn’t have to be permanent,” he says gently.
I have calculated every possible scenario to see how often I could fly to the UK to see him.
If I have to live the majority of my life getting on and off planes, it would be worth it for a few minutes with Harlan.
Jules looks at his best friend in awe. “How is it that the man who breaks out in hives if someone says ‘commitment’ in his vicinity can give such deep insight?” AJ punches him, and Julian yelps.
A quick scuffle ensues between the two of them before Coach gives them the look, putting an immediate end to their nonsense.
“I’d feel better if he’d just talk to me about it more, you know?
Three weeks is nothing. We’ll be on the road for some of that, and it just feels like we’re running out of time to come up with a plan if he has to go.
” I reach for my phone to check for a message from Lan.
Disappointment creeps in when there are no messages.
“Make the most of the time you have, and love him the way that only you can. Let him be sad. Be sad with him, and when he’s ready, he’ll talk to you about it.
Hopefully they get it resolved, and none of this matters.
” AJ reaches over Julian to squeeze my hand.
“And while you support him, know that we’ve got you.
” Having the two of them on the team is a blessing.
Everyone in the organization is great, but I know I can always count on these two by my side.
I fall asleep for the remainder of the flight, though it’s anything but restful.
We hit some turbulence while the plane descends, jolting me from my fractured sleep.
My dreams were filled with images of Harlan getting on a plane, or me getting home to find the house empty, as if he had never been there.
The fear and worry continue to grow, infecting me from the inside, like each minute is bringing me closer to my heart being ripped from my chest. The inevitability is suffocating.
Like witnessing an accident you can’t prevent.
I board the bus immediately and make no attempt at conversation with my friends.
As soon as we enter the hotel lobby, I grab my key and head right for the elevators.
The guys are planning to go out since it’s still early, but I’m not good company tonight.
I checked my phone before we got off the plane, but there were no messages from Harlan.
My anxiety is climbing to nearly unmanageable levels.
My skin is overheating, so the moment my door closes, I drop my luggage and peel off my hoodie.
I take my backpack to the bed with my heart in my throat.
It’s like my brain already knows what I’m about to find on my phone.
Lan
It was denied. I’m leaving on the 2nd of October.
That’s it, that’s the message. No missed calls.
No other messages. It’s September 18th. That’s two weeks away.
Two weeks to the day. I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t even remember whether we’re home or away on that day.
My hands are shaking uncontrollably, and I see the tears landing on my phone screen before I realize I’m crying.
I dial Lan’s number, and just when I think it’s going to go to voicemail, he picks up. “Hey, babe,” he greets me, emotionless. I wish more than anything that I could get on the next flight home to pull him into my lap and offer him the comfort we both need at this moment.
“I wish I was there with you. I should be there with you. God, I’m so sorry, Lan.
” I can’t stop the tears from falling. I didn’t realize until now how much hope I was hanging on to waiting for that call.
In two weeks, I’ll be going to bed alone.
The nights of sinking into the warmth of his body, and the mornings of leisurely kissing, will be over.
The comfort of his presence will be gone.
It hasn’t even happened yet, and the house already feels colder.
“It wouldn’t have changed anything, Darío. You can’t miss your games. It’s part of the job.” Harlan lets out a shaky exhale. Baseball feels so insignificant in this moment, especially when he’s hurting like this. He has to know that he’s the most important thing to me.
“I know, sweetness. What do we do now?” I’m trying so hard to keep it together for him.
There’s nothing I can say that will change the outcome, nothing I can do to prevent him from having to get on that plane in a couple of weeks.
The inability to protect him from this has me feeling completely impotent.
“Shawn’s assistant is booking my flight.
I’ll be in London until L&L can work out the paperwork and get through all the bureaucratic bullshit.
He said that this administration cut back on the number of visas that they issue, and I was one of the unlucky ones.
I’m starting the process for citizenship, but no one could give me a timeframe on when I can come back.
” I hear the distant sound of the doorbell and a muffled shout from Lan.
“Pen is there with you?” Some of the tension leaves me knowing that his best friend is there to take care of him. She’s so good to Harlan, and they’re both going to struggle with this change. The two of them are practically inseparable. My heart aches for them, too.
“Yeah, we’re going to grab drinks,” he says, as I hear Penelope greet him. “Ok, babe. I’m going to get ready so we can go out. Get some rest. I love you.” I don’t want to get off the phone with him. He sounds broken.
“I love you most, baby. Try to have fun,” I say softly, and end the call. I’m not sure how long I stare at the wall when I hang up.