Chapter 6 Harlan #2
“If you’re hurting from your actions, it stands to reason that he is too, my darling boy.
I know your heart, and Darío knows your heart.
Sometimes, good people make bad decisions.
It’s part of being human. You’re young. You’re resilient, and you are so much more to people than just that decision.
” Allegra rises to hug me, and I can no longer contain my sobs.
After tea, she walks me to the door. “I’m going to miss you so much, Allegra. I’ll call to check in on you. Thank you for everything.”
“Nonsense, I should be thanking you for taking such good care of me. Please be gentle on yourself. I had better hear from you. No one else appreciates the gossip from the center. When you find your way back to New York, you better make me your first stop.” Hugging me one last time, she cups my cheek. “I’ll see you soon, Harlan.”
Dinner feels a bit like a funeral reception.
I have no desire to socialize, but Wes and Penny don’t give me a choice.
Obviously Pen has known what I did. She insanely blamed herself for my shitty decision.
When she apologized for leaving me to dance with someone else, I nearly lost it.
No one is to blame for the choices I make, including the amount of alcohol I consumed that night.
I had a breakdown the other day in the dressing room and told Wes everything.
I think they’re afraid I’m going to hurt myself.
Everyone else at the table just assumes I’m sad to be leaving Brooklyn, and since that’s partially true, I see no need to correct them.
“Are you ok, bb?” Wes sits next to me and puts an arm around my shoulders to pull me against him. He plants a kiss on my temple, and I snuggle into him. “You look like you haven’t been sleeping at all. You know you’re welcome to stay with me tonight if you’d rather.”
Wes lives with his boyfriend, Layton, not far from the Lust he probably won’t even realize these are gone.
The smell of sancocho permeates the air when I leave the bathroom, and I feel a twinge in my chest. Sancocho is my favorite Colombian meal, and something that Darío makes for me on occasion because he knows how much I love it.
Add arepas and some sliced avocado, and it’s the perfect meal.
Just another thing I’ll miss when I’m gone.
It’s funny how food, music, and smells can take you to a moment in the past. It was the first meal he cooked for me when we started dating, and I still recall how nervous he was that I wasn’t going to like it.
He was so kind and attentive that night.
I knew then that I was going to fall in love with him.
Descending the stairs, I make my way to the kitchen, where Darío is flipping arepas on the stovetop.
“I figured you’d appreciate this as your last meal in the States.
” Funny, it was my first home-cooked meal with him, and now it’s about to be my last. Not funny in a haha way, obviously.
It actually makes me want to sob into my soup.
“Thank you.” It’s so weird not to be able to wrap myself around him.
Countless times over the years, I have found him at the stove.
I’d wrap my arms around his waist and kiss his shoulder.
He’d lean over to kiss my temple, never taking his eye off what he was doing.
Such a simple act of domesticity and affection, but it always filled my heart with joy.
Briefly, I wonder the last time I did that.
I can’t recall, and that makes me irrationally sad.
I had no idea then that it would be the last time.
I would have enjoyed it more. Held on just a minute longer.
Inhaled a little deeper. I hope I never forget how he smells.
“You slept late, are you feeling ok?” His back is to me, so I look my fill of him. The broad shoulders, his muscled frame. The slutty dimples in his lower back. His exceptional arse. Christ, he’s perfect.
“I haven’t been sleeping well, and I drank quite a bit last night. I feel ok, though. Sad, you know?” Darío and I have always been able to talk about anything. The conversation flowed easily between us, so the confession slips off my tongue without thought.
“Me, too. Are you going out tonight?” He turns with two bowls and gestures to the plates of avocado and arepas. Assuming he wants me to take them, I do and follow him to the dining room.
“No, I’ll probably go back to bed early.
Pen will be here at two, so I want to get a few hours in if I can.
” We take our normal seats across from each other, and the familiarity is both a blessing and a curse.
I try hard to ignore the heaviness and just absorb the moment with him.
If this is my last time sharing a meal with him, I don’t want to miss a single moment.
“You’re going to do amazing things in London. I know this move isn’t what you wanted, but if anyone can make the best of a situation, it’s you.” His gaze is intense, like he’s peeling back all of my layers. I study my bowl, because meeting his eyes makes me feel so exposed.
“I don’t think that’s true, actually. I tend to make a mess of things.
I don’t even have the passion for it anymore, Dare.
I’m scared. I feel so off-kilter and disconnected from what my life was supposed to be.
I’m worried about being closer to my parents.
I don’t know who I even am when I’m not here.
In this city. In this house. With you.” I blink rapidly, in an attempt to prevent the tears threatening to fall.
I know he was trying to have a nice last night, which is far more than I deserve, and I’m ruining it by talking about all the ways I’m fucked up.
“For all your confidence, you have very little faith in yourself. You’ll be ok on your own, Harlan.
You don’t need Brooklyn or the L&L office here, and you definitely don’t need me to define who you are.
I’d change all of it for you if I could.
I know you know that, but you can’t let these circumstances hold you back.
Set boundaries with your family. You don’t need an ocean between you to do that.
” We fall into a weighted silence after that while we eat our meals. I’m not sure what else to say.
When we’ve finished, I look up at him for what is likely the last time.
“Thank you for this. I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m grateful.
For the meal. For you. I’m sorry I let such a stupid decision ruin the last few weeks we would have had together, for ruining everything, really.
You deserve so much more than what I did to you.
” I take our plates to the kitchen to rinse before placing them in the dishwasher.
I’m acutely aware that it’s now the last time I will do so many things that have become routine over the last few years.
It’s ridiculous that loading the dishwasher is making me sad. I have always hated kitchen cleanup.
I’m not sure where Dare is as I flip off the kitchen light and head toward the stairs.
I want to run to him, say goodbye, and hold on to him until Penelope drags me out of here in the morning.
I also want to hide in my room and not face him because I have absolutely no idea how I can say goodbye to this man.
Every single second brings me closer to getting on that plane, and the realization that I’m out of time washes over me in a tidal wave of regret and despair.
When I get to my room, I close the door and fall face-first into the bed.