Chapter 32 Harlan
Christmas with Darío’s family made me feel supported and loved in a way that I never would have gotten with my parents.
More specifically, my father. My mum has reached out a few times to check on me, but I’ve not heard from my dad at all.
It doesn’t surprise me. He’s stubborn and incapable of admitting fault and undoubtedly believes I owe him an apology for disrespecting him.
It’s a never-ending battle, where everyone loses.
Once all of the gifts were opened and the garbage cleaned, we all settled in the living room to play board games.
Mama made her hot chocolate, and Dare kept me pinned against his side for the entire night.
It was perfect in every single way. I’ve not slept as well since I came home, and I have only seen him once since the day after Christmas, when he drove me home.
Now that I’m going to see him tonight for New Year’s, I’m starting to freak out a bit.
My anxiety is through the roof as I take in the heap of clothes piled haphazardly in the middle of my bed. I can’t decide what to wear, which has led to the mess before me. Do I go casual? Slutty? Is that too presumptuous? I decide I need reinforcements in the form of Wes and Penny.
Me
Hi. I need help.
Wes
Don’t you have a therapist for that?
Penny
What he said.
Me
Not sure why I’m friends with either of you tbh. I’m going to Dare’s tonight and I don’t know what I’m supposed to wear. Do I go casual? Dressy? Slutty?
Wes
Slutty. Definitely slutty.
Penny
What he said.
Me
I can’t tell if you’re both serious or if you’re trying to ruin my life.
Wes
Harlan, Darío isn’t going to give a single fuck what you wear.
That man would love you if you showed up in a garbage bag.
Wear something comfortable with something slutty under it.
Focus on having that conversation that you two need to have so you can stop dancing around the inevitable.
The next text in this chat better be to tell us you’ve finally gotten fucked into the mattress. Love you!
Penny
What he said.
Me
Pen, your insight has been enlightening. Love you both. Stay safe tonight!
I roll my eyes at Penny before tossing my phone into the heap of clothes.
Wes is right. Besides, the tattoo on my thigh is going to be the star of the show, anyway.
I settle on a royal blue lace jockstrap, ripped jeans that just barely conceal the tattoo, and a loose, cream-colored sweater.
Fixing my hair quickly in the vanity mirror, I decide to wear my glasses instead of putting my contacts in.
If it’s because Dare thinks it’s hot, no one has to know that but me.
After the way we left things on Christmas, we need to have a conversation.
We’ve spent the last couple months building a friendship that feels stronger than it ever has been in some ways.
We talk about simple things during our runs in the morning—what the team is up to, our families, L&L—but we avoid the incident, and what that year was like for both of us.
They were some of the darkest days of my life.
I’m sure he knows that, since I was bleeding out all over the place.
All of that has me feeling good about our conversation tonight.
I’ve never been as sure about anything as I am about Dare.
He texted me earlier to tell me to just walk in, rather than knock.
That sets a riot of butterflies loose in my belly.
It’s a double-edged sword walking into the townhouse that I called home for the best years of my life.
It feels like home, and yet, it’s unfamiliar from the perspective of being only a guest. Not that Dare has made me feel that way.
Quite the opposite, in fact. He insists that he hasn’t changed anything—which is true—and he tells me to make myself at home.
The moment I walk through the mahogany door, I am hit with the delicious and vaguely familiar smell of dinner cooking.
I find Dare in the kitchen, in low-slung gray sweats and a black crop top, that I’d bet money has the teal and purple Sea Scorpions logo on the front.
I may have been teasing with my glasses, but he knows how I feel about him in this outfit.
It’s going to be a long night. Fuck me. But actually, thanks.
“Are you going to just stare at me all night, or did you plan to say hello?” He doesn’t turn around, but I stick my tongue out at him, anyway. Leaning over his shoulder, I see a clay pot of Ajiaco simmering on the stovetop. It’s my second-favorite Colombian soup, and my mouth immediately waters.
“Smells delicious,” I purr near his ear.
Dare snaps his teeth at me before leaning backward to give me a kiss, sending chills down to my toes.
He growls and pulls away to finish preparing food.
“How can I help? And where is Craig?” I expected a wiggly greeting, but I haven’t seen the puppy since I came in.
“Doggy daycare. I figured tonight we needed to be alone.” Alone sounds perfect, I think.
“If you can slice the avocado, the rice should be done, and we’ll be ready to eat.
I also made natilla, even though you had Mama’s.
If you comment about how hers is better, I’ll never make you anything again.
” He winks at me as he hands me a knife from the block next to the stove.
“I’m sure your natilla is passable,” I sniff, getting to work on the perfectly ripe avocado.
As always, we work well together in the kitchen, talking and teasing.
He prepares the aji in a small bowl before uncovering the chicken breast and shredding it.
Without being told, I know he’ll have sour cream in the fridge.
I plate up rice with avocado slices on the side for each of us and carry both to the dining room table, with the bowl of aji and sour cream.
Dare appears with two soup bowls and places them in our normal spots before taking his seat. “You look beautiful, Lan.” His soft smile makes me blush. I don’t know why I’m so shy right now. It’s Darío. The love of my life. The other half of my heart.
“Thank you. And thank you for dinner.” I return his smile, and I can feel my face heat further. Jesus, Harlan. Breathe.
“I don’t want this to be weird, Lan. I haven’t been avoiding the conversation because I think it’s going to go badly.
I’m just afraid to burst this bubble we’ve been in for the last couple of months.
” He holds my gaze as he eats a spoonful of soup.
Even the way he eats soup is hot. Why am I like this?
“I get it,” I tell him, because I really do. “What is this? What are we?” The hard questions. May as well jump in the deep end.
Placing his spoon down, he considers me for a moment before speaking.
“I’ve been terrified since that day we had lunch.
First that you would say no, but then it’s been that you would eventually decide you didn’t want that.
And now, I’m so afraid that if we try again, and I lose you, I won’t survive that.
” Seeing Dare this vulnerable does something to my heart.
“I wouldn’t do that…” I begin. Doesn’t he know? I would sooner rip out my heart and hand it to him than hurt him that way again.
“No! I know you wouldn’t. I didn’t mean to imply that.
I told you I trust you, and I do. The last year was so hard without you.
Being in this house. Sleeping in our bed.
Knowing that you were struggling so badly in London.
I was hurt, Lan, but I know you were, too.
If we’re going to do this again, I need you to know that I will never hold that against you.
” He pauses, allowing me to absorb that.
Tears threaten, because of course they do. I’m emotional, fucking sue me.
“I was in a dark place for a long time. If Penny hadn’t come to London when she did, I don’t know how I would have gotten through it.
She helped me realize that I needed to make myself whole because I was drowning in resentment at the circumstances I was dealt, the choices I made, and the situation I created for us.
I was so fucking selfish and so broken.” I take a deep breath.
“I wasn’t a good partner in those last few weeks, because I couldn’t see beyond my own pain. ”
“I forgave you, you know.” Dare’s eyes are watery, our food forgotten, as we lay it all out there.
“I know you did, but I didn’t forgive myself for a long time,” I whisper. “Losing you almost destroyed me, but I knew I needed to be better if I was ever going to be worthy of you again.” The tears are flowing freely now, but the relief of getting these words out is immensely healing.
“You never really lost me, sweetness. I never learned how to let you go. I tried so hard, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to.” With those words, I’m out of my seat and climbing into his lap. The moment his arms wrap around me, I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
“Are we doing this?” I ask, my lips brushing his scruffy cheek. I know the answer before he speaks.
“Yeah, baby. We’re doing this,” he confirms before he cups my cheeks and kisses me with a ferocity I wasn’t expecting.
I allow myself to sink into the emotions he’s pouring into the kiss.
All of the anger, betrayal, and hurt dissolve, and are being replaced with a deep, unwavering love that heals, protects, cherishes.
The dining room table rattles when he presses me against it, finally making us come up for air.
“We should clean up dinner,” I sigh. He reluctantly agrees and slides me to my feet.
I immediately feel the loss of not being in his arms. “We should clean up dinner quickly,” I amend, stacking our plates and bowls.