14. Sunshine
Chapter 14
Sunshine
I woke up sandwiched between the omega and alphas that haunted my dreams. Julian was lying against me, and I was plastered against Logan, his chest lightly rising and falling.
Disoriented, I tried to remember what had happened.
We’d been watching TV. It was dark now, but I remembered feeling incredibly comfortable then exhaustion pulled me down.
I looked around, but there wasn’t a clock handy. It could have been an hour since I’d fallen asleep or three in the morning.
I shifted my weight, my hip starting to hurt. In the movies when people accidentally fell asleep, they stayed asleep all night. But my arm and shoulder were starting to ache and I wanted to roll over.
Julian stirred and lifted his head up. He nuzzled my neck. “You okay?”
“I fell asleep, I’m sorry.” I was still trying to make sense of my surroundings, the unreal feeling of a dream making it feel like we were outside of reality.
“If I’d known all I had to do to get you to spend the night was dunk you in an ice bath I would have done it years ago.” He gave me a sleepy smile, and he looked so…vulnerable, it made my heart lurch. “We could get in the bed.”
Bed. As in lying down. My brain blanked out.
“I have to work tomorrow.” My mouth tasted bad. I hadn’t brushed my teeth. I must have horrible breath. “Three early morning appointments.”
“You want us to take you home?” Luca shifted so he could look at me. “Or we could take you…early tomorrow?”
Julian looked over my shoulder and gave Luca a smile, even though I wasn’t sure why.
“I need my stuff.” I shifted again, my hip hurting. “I don’t have a toothbrush or anything.”
I also didn’t want to sleep in my bra, but I didn’t want to take it off around them. I thought about the morning, about how weird I would feel without any of my personal items. Sleeping next to them in bed would feel like…we were more than just friends. But maybe that was the result of my desperate longing—adding myself into a situation that didn’t include me.
“No problem.” Logan patted my shoulder. “You can always come back.”
“And next time you could pack an overnight bag,” Julian said brightly. He didn’t seem sleepy at all, even though he’d just woken up.
Arms and blankets were moved, and then we were all standing up. I looked around, blinking and a little confused, feeling like there were some things I needed to take with me, but not able to work out what. I was still half asleep and missing the warmth of the snuggle pile. I stood next to Julian, my hand wrapped around his arm, and leaning on his shoulder.
“I’ll get your clothes,” Luca said. “Just a sec.”
A minute later, he was back with my dry clothes in his hands.
“I’m sorry you have to drive me.” I bit my lip. If I’d driven over here, they could have stayed comfortable and warm.
“It’s no problem, babe.” Julian kissed my temple, and we went outside. It was a nice night, only a little bit cool. I climbed into the backseat and was shocked when Luca and Logan climbed in on either side of me.
I frowned. “I thought…”
“I am allowed to drive.” Julian waved at me from the driver’s seat. “It’s late and we all just woke up so I’m the driver. Luca and Logan know better.”
“Boy do we,” Logan muttered. His voice was still thick with sleep. “Last time we insisted we drive late at night, we got a long lecture about how many drivers fall asleep at the wheel.”
I smiled and settled down. It wasn’t that far, and it felt like I’d just closed my eyes when Julian was pulling into the driveway.
I waited for Luca to get out so I could exit behind him. I smiled at him sleepily, then pushed myself to remember my manners. “Thanks for having me over.”
Julian got out, leaving the station wagon running, and gave me a big hug. “Any time. And by that, I mean, let’s do that again soon.”
I could only nod. I wanted to say something cute and flirty, but cute and flirty were asleep at the wheel. All I could manage was a smile and a wave before I let myself into my cottage.
I brushed my teeth and took off the offending bra, then climbed into bed, still in Julian’s clothes.
I should have stayed over. If I had stayed over, maybe something would have happened.
But then, if it hadn’t I really would have cemented myself as just a friend.
I tried to work out if I should have said or done something differently, but as I was puzzling it over, my face nuzzling the soft fabric of Julian’s shirt, the scent of Pack Kahele lulled me to sleep.
The next few days I was slammed.
Instead of being able to work out how to ask Julian about whether the pack was open to dating, I had to focus all my energy on keeping my head above water.
All of my events required my full attention and, even with Holly’s help, I worked long hours. As much as I wanted to spend time with Pack Kahele, I barely had time to eat.
I’d expected Julian to be upset that I was so busy, but he took it all in stride, sending me text messages in the morning to tell me that I was a boss babe, and sending Luca or Logan over with food if he couldn’t bring it himself. It was sweet and touching and extremely distracting.
Talia hadn’t texted me in days. I’d known she was mad, but as time went on, I realized she must have really been fuming. She’d obviously assumed I would reach out and apologize for what happened at the festival, but I didn’t know what to say other than what had already been said.
I wanted to take Julian up on his offer to talk about it, but I didn’t have the emotional energy, even if I’d been able to work it back into conversation.
When the pressure got too much, I took a work-from-home day. I’d been unable to focus at my office, and I preferred to do my crazy lady pacing in my living room, not where my family could see how stressed I was. I was still trying to figure out how to present my idea to Mrs. Cullen.
If I told her the theme of the gala was going to be ‘Dreams Come True’, she would think I was nuts. I had to get my ideas more formalized and, hopefully, some images mocked up.
I had too much to do and not enough time. I was doomed.
I’d spent every waking moment Googling event locations, going down a random rabbit hole about aquariums, and then circling back to the idea of the guests having stations they could interact with.
I’d grilled Raina about unfulfilled desires most people had, and it came down to money, status, health, and something artistic, but most of the attendees would have the first three covered.
I’d even managed to clear off the pressing items for the other events I was planning, but the timeline to present Mrs. Cullen with something amazing was rapidly shrinking.
I would have to give her the half-baked idea. I could picture myself telling her I would make her guest’s dreams come true. I made a face. She would laugh at me and then ask Logan what he was thinking.
I tried not to make event planning about my ego, about my worth as a person, but it was really, really hard not to. Everything lived or died on my ideas, on my ability to carry off the event.
I was aware that part of me wanted to fail. Because if I managed to pull this off for Mrs. Cullen, she would refer her friends. And then each new event would have to be bigger, and better.
No pressure.
My phone chimed again, and I ignored it. The family group chat was active today, planning out Sunday dinner, but the noise was too much.
I sat on the couch, flipping to a cooking show, and stared at my laptop. I’d looked at hundreds of venues, sketched out a few of my ideas, but I couldn’t see how to make the vision in my mind translate to reality.
My phone chimed again.
Julian:
Babe
Babe
Babe
I’d almost ignored him the last few days after telling him I was swamped at work.
I picked up the phone.
Sunshine:
Still working on the Cullen thing
:( :( :(
I didn’t want Julian to think I was ignoring him, but I had to get this figured out and I would be a basket case until then.
Julian:
Still?
I thought you decided on a theme thing?
He sent me some bunny gifs.
I sighed out loud.
Sunshine:
Yeah but packaging it, finding the venue, the décor, I need that locked in or she’s going to laugh in my face.
I hit send and regretted it.
My stomach twisted. I’d barely eaten because my stomach was too upset. I tried to tell myself it wasn’t a big deal, but I had to present to Mrs. Cullen and it wasn’t going to go well.
Julian:
I’m sorry you’re so stressed out about this.
Can I help?
I smiled.
Sunshine:
You’re helping just by listening to me complain
I’ll get it figured out.
He was sweet. I wanted to invite myself over to their house again. We could cook something delicious, talk through my issues, and I’d get out of my own head for a little while. Maybe I’d be able to casually slip in a question about their dating life.
I shoved the urge away. They weren’t my pack. If I really needed someone to bounce ideas off, I could call Holly and tell her I was struggling.
But Holly was in the middle of a massive corporate event, and I didn’t want to distract her with what amounted to me feeling insecure.
I was a big girl. If Mrs. Cullen hated my idea, oh, well. I thought it was amazing, but I couldn’t control how other people saw me.
Even though the thought of her rejecting my idea did feel like death. I was logical enough to know it wasn’t about me, but that didn’t stop the actual feelings.
My phone chimed again, and I picked it up, expecting more puppy gifs from Julian.
It was Talia, and my stomach clenched.
Talia:
Just making sure we are still on for Saturday
If not I understand
Damn it. I’d forgotten we’d made plans weeks ago to talk about the spring menu.
After the First Responders’ Festival, I’d assumed we would just apologize to each other and move on. But she had stayed radio silent, and I hadn’t been able to think of what to say that didn’t sound like I was taking full responsibility.
Why were friendships so hard? I’d naively thought it would be easier as I got older, but it was only more difficult.
What had been annoying when we were teenagers was tiresome now. I hated how she would get upset about something and then expect me to apologize.
I gritted my teeth. If I didn’t reply now, I would obsess over that instead of my proposal.
Sunshine:
Of course we’re still on for Saturday
I’m sorry you were upset at the festival, but I don’t see how I could have done anything differently
It took a few minutes, but she replied.
Talia:
I’d rather talk about that in person so my words don’t get twisted
I know you’re really busy with events and it’s okay if you don’t have the mental space to talk right now
I rolled my eyes, trying to calm my anger. Becca was the one who would nail you to the tree with your words. If you said you were upset, she wouldn’t let that go.
But at least Talia was telling me what she wanted. Despite the frustration, there was something comforting about someone knowing me so well.
Talia knew I was flipping out about my events and was giving me space if I didn’t want to talk.
Sunshine:
It’s okay
I’m stumped anyway
Do you want to meet somewhere this afternoon?
Talia:
Pier 57?
Talia and I used to hang out on the beach all the time, and it was still one of our favorite places in the world.
We agreed on a time, and I tried not to worry. We would work things out. We always did.
Maybe that’s part of what had gone wrong when I was dating Rob. I’d told Rob how I felt about everything, from my favorite coffee to scary movies. I was so used to being open with the people involved in my personal life. With so many cousins and siblings, I had to.
But Pack Beneventi had been all about compartmentalizing. We’d talked about things, but I’d still felt like I was getting to know everyone, much less how they interacted with each other, when I walked in on Becca, Mason, and Rob having sex in the living room.
Tears stung at the corners of my eyes. I really needed to decompress if I was getting myself this worked up. I thought again about how Talia had been there for me through my parents’ death, the panic attacks I’d had at random intervals, the stress of starting the event planning business. I didn’t know why things were so complicated now, but we could work through it.
Leaving my coffee table a mess of papers, I drove out to Pier 57. On the way, I turned on one of Ember’s playlists. Loud pop music blasted through, clearing some of my thoughts.
By the time I parked, the saltwater breeze was coming in steady off the ocean. I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else in the world. Most of the time when I got too in my head, I’d drive out to the ocean and watch the waves roll back and forth.
There were a few people out and about, mostly walking along the beach. I stopped at a lemonade stand, bought two, and headed over to where Talia was sitting on our favorite bench, a box of cupcakes next to her.
Some of my anxiety melted away. I didn’t know how, but we would figure this out.
“You look stressed.” Talia bit her lip.
I plopped onto the bench, handing her a lemonade. “I’ve got four parties in the heavy planning stage. And there’s a big client I’m trying to do a proposal for.”
I sucked in a deep breath of fresh air as nerves made my chest tight.
“We can talk later, it’s really okay.” Talia tapped the pink cupcake box. “I brought these because I didn’t know if I needed to change our plans for Saturday.”
“I wasn’t trying to ignore you. I’m slammed at work, and I don’t know what else to say.” I shrugged. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but I can’t override my family’s decisions for our business either.”
“I wasn’t thinking about it being my business.” Talia shrugged. “Raina is so mercenary. I was trying to do something nice.”
“Which is great.” I watched seagulls swoop around the pier, basically rats with wings begging for food. “Raina isn’t trying to be mercenary. She’s very driven about the family business.”
She had to be to make sure her entire family didn’t starve, or get thrown into foster care, I silently added. I was sixteen when our parents died, but Luna, the youngest, was only ten. At eighteen, Raina might have been considered an adult, but we’d had to prove we were going to be financially secure.
Mercenary didn’t begin to cover it.
Talia fiddled with the lid of the box. “It just feels like if it’s a choice between me and your family, it’s your family.”
“I don’t understand why it has to be a choice.” I took a sip from my lemonade. “You realize how horrible that is, being put in the middle?”
“I wasn’t trying to.” Talia sounded frustrated. “I was playing with a recipe, and I wanted your thoughts. If Raina wanted to make that into something bigger, that’s on her.”
I thought about how to reply. Talia was upset, and I could see why. But once again, I had to either stand by Raina’s actions or tell Talia she was completely right in being hurt.
I tried another approach. “I have a big family, yes, but as much as I love them, they drive me insane. You’re my best friend.”
Talia grinned at that. “Still glad I’m an only child.”
“When my family makes decisions, I can’t always change them, but that’s not because I’m picking them over you.” I looked at her. She had my back through high school and beyond. “And it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”
“Okay.” Talia fiddled with the box of cupcakes again, and frustration broke through some of my peace. Regardless of what else was on her mind, Talia’s priority was her business, and I could see she wanted me to ask her about the cupcakes. “I want you to remember that I care about you, too. It’s been hard being between you and Becca.”
I looked away at that. Tears needled the corner of my eyes.
“I’m sorry she hurt you, Sunshine. I am. But you two are my best friends, and I’m caught in the middle.”
I bit my lip. “I don’t ask you questions about them.”
“You don’t,” Talia agreed. “But it feels like you’re punishing me for being friends with her.”
I gritted my teeth, and I considered if I really wanted to have it out. If I really wanted to ask Talia why she stayed friends with someone who hurt me so badly.
No, not today. Not with Talia already upset and me exhausted.
“I’m not trying to punish you,” I said instead. “But you act like I should just move on. I can’t be hurt around you without you rushing to defend Becca.”
“I don’t mean to.” Talia frowned.
I stared at the ocean. Things were so much easier when we were teenagers. Despite the grief I’d been working through, our squabbles had centered around where we wanted to eat for dinner and what we should do on the weekend.
When we argued about boys and packs, it was because we didn’t like them. Talia liked to date bad boys, which meant most of them were assholes.
“I don’t know how to talk to you anymore.” I shrugged, feeling helpless.
Talia looked surprised and then nodded. “Me too. It feels like no matter how hard I try, things get weird and complicated.”
“We’ll have to keep talking through it. Like we are now.” I shook my head. “I don’t know what else to do.”
Talia handed me the box of cupcakes. “I’ve really missed you. I hate feeling like you’re mad at me all the time.”
“I’m not.” I took the box, the scent of mint and chocolate wafting up. “Going through a horrible break up, the business picking up, it’s all been a lot in the last year.”
“We won’t let this come between us.” Talia put her arm around my shoulder, and I leaned against my friend.
“Nothing can be worse than when Bobby tried to date all three of us at the same time and then lied about it.”
Talia giggled. “Or when we went two years without sharing a single class or lunch together.”
“Right?” I watched the waves roll in and out, the water hypnotizing.
Those two years, me, Talia, and Becca learned how to make time for each other. High school was about easy friendships. You shared lunch, a class, and had something in common. Our junior and senior years, we didn’t share any classes. We had to hang out after school and on the weekends. I learned a lot about making time for someone you cared about rather than them being around you because of circumstances.
“Or when Noah’s designation came in,” Talia added quietly.
I muttered at that. Noah was our friend in high school, a beta guy, and we thought he was gonna stay a beta forever. Talia dated him on and off until his designation came in as alpha, and the sweet, slightly shy guy changed almost overnight. He’d dumped Talia and started only dating omegas.
Part of our shared history was missing—Becca—and it still felt like a knife inside me. Becca was calm, laid back, and charismatic. Becca was the one who’d said we had to make time for each other, that we would be best friends forever.
When Bobby had tried to date the three of us at once, it was Becca that stepped in, called him out in front of the entire school, and shut him down.
I was twenty-six now, too old to be thinking about high school antics, but that was what had glued my friendship with Talia and Becca together.
I’d always thought after college and getting “big girl” jobs, as we called them, it would have been easier to stay friends.
Becca’s accounting firm had taken off. Talia’s bakery was doing well. I had Cosmic Bonds. We’d met up for Sunday brunch and talked about our lives, the terrible dates we went on, everything that mattered.
A realization struck me. “I think I’m struggling because we survived high school. We’re still friends.”
“We are.” Talia said firmly.
“Even though it would have been easier to let our adult careers separate us.”
“It’s somehow harder when I’m an adult to have party weekends.” Talia sounded put out, and I laughed.
“I thought it would be the three of us as friends, forever.” I let the words out, and they hung in the air, full of the weight of crushed expectations.
Talia grew still.
“But Becca hurt me, whether or not she meant to. And now it’s like we have to relearn how to be friends without her.”
Talia let out a heavy sigh. “I wish she’d made different choices. I think about it all the time.”
I looked at my friend. For the first time since I’d broken up with Pack Beneventi, it sounded like Talia was criticizing her.
“I wasn’t trying to stick up for Becca,” Talia held her hands up. “I was trying to salvage our friendships, not knowing it would be impossible.”
Hurt wormed its way through me. “ She did that, Talia, not me. She could have talked to me, and things might have turned out differently.”
“But she was caught up in the moment.” Talia started, her eyes wide. “She?—”
“For weeks?” I raised my eyebrow. “That’s not caught up in the moment, Talia, and you know it. She could have talked to me. She chose to sneak around behind my back, and she’s not even sorry.”
Talia looked like she wanted to say more, but didn’t. “You’re right. Scent matches make things so much more emotional but you’re right.”
“Thank you for saying that,” I said with a rush of relief. Maybe we could get through this. “It hurt so bad hearing you defend her actions. Knowing you would be furious if she did the same thing to you.”
“I get that.” Talia pushed some hair out of her face. “But I’m here for you, Sunshine. I’m sorry if I haven’t been doing a good job. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“I know.” I sighed. “We’ll figure it out.”
I spent the rest of the afternoon talking to Talia, catching up on the beta she was dating, how her business was going, and everything else.
It still hurt, but I felt better about the whole business with Becca.
If we just kept talking through things, we could make it work. I wouldn’t have to lose both of my best friends, and maybe that’s what I’d been the most worried about.
My phone pinged.
Julian:
Can you swing by the Sweetfern Country club?
I’m getting off work soon and Logan’s almost finished his catering thing
He wants to talk menus and I want to take advantage of the delicious food
I smiled.
Sunshine:
What sort of food is involved?
“You’re grinning.” Talia leaned over my phone. “I see hunting Pack Kahele is going well.”
“I’m not hunting them.” I huffed. “I have to hammer out some menus with Logan, and Julian just got off of work.”
“Tell him yes.” Talia gestured at my phone. “He wouldn’t ask you if he wasn’t interested.”
I blushed, feeling weird. “It’s just for work.”
“He likes you,” Talia said confidently. “He wouldn’t be spending so much time with you if he didn’t.”
“They like their pack small, Talia. They could have any other pack member they wanted.”
I almost asked Talia for advice about how to figure out if they were actually dating or not, but she kept talking.
“You’re amazing.” Talia continued. “You’re smart, beautiful, and you don’t treat Julian like he’s your ticket into a pack.”
“Because he’s not,” I muttered. I decided not to say anything. She was already embarrassing around Julian, I didn’t want to know what she would do next if she thought I wasn’t moving quickly enough.
“Tell him yes. It’s just for work, as you said.” Talia nudged me.
Before I thought better of it, I texted back.
Sunshine:
What time should I meet you?
Julian:
An hour?
I sent back yes and spent the rest of the time till I needed to go chatting with Talia.
She gave me advice on dating packs, not that her strategies would help me. All of her flirting tactics were really on the nose, and I preferred to be sure there was mutual attraction.
If I made a pass at Pack Kahele and they weren’t interested, I would ruin everything.
Julian, Luca, and Logan knew me better than most of the rest of the world except my family and Talia. If they didn’t want to date me, they wouldn’t just be casually rejecting a person they weren’t interested in.
They would be rejecting me, and I knew that would be a wound I wouldn’t get over easily.
I left Talia with a hug, hoping things with her were finally on the upswing.