36. Sunshine
Chapter 36
Sunshine
T he next week passed in a blur. I spent more time naked with my pack than I did wearing clothes, but we did eventually have to get back to our respective jobs.
Talia canceled our plans for Indian food, and over the course of the week we tried and failed to find a time to get together.
Ginny came over to Cosmic Bonds and went through the intake process. I showed her my office and even set her up her own desk and chair.
I walked her through the current projects, where I was with each one, and any special notes. She wrote everything down, asked intelligent questions, and by the end of the day she had my entire office organized in a filing system I could actually remember.
We talked about what she needed to accomplish in the next couple of days, and with the relief of not having to focus on stupid, annoying tasks, I was able to make progress with the big accounts that required me to be creative.
I considered looking into getting tested for ADHD but decided that was a problem for me in the future. Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn’t, but either way, my pack had my back. I felt better just knowing they would be there for me.
I researched and booked experiences for Mrs. Cullen, researched three bonding ceremonies, and daydreamed about going home. To my pack.
Finished with the morning’s work, I headed over to Talia’s bakery to pick up the cupcakes for the bachelorette party.
It was a beautiful early summer day with a soft breeze blowing off from the ocean. Tourists were already driving from San Fransico to get ahead of the summer crowd, but that was a joke, there was a summer crowd from May until September.
The bright breezy day matched my effervescent mood, and I swung into Cupcake My Day with an extra spring in my step.
The kitchen was in full swing event mode. Aine and some other bakers were running around like crazy.
Talia was in the middle of the kitchen, flour on her apron and her hair pulled back into a braid, shouting at Aine. “Just put the extra cookies over there.”
I paused in the doorway. “Whoa.”
Talia’s gaze zeroed in on my shoulders where Logan and Luca’s bondmarks were barely healed. I’d checked them in the mirror this morning, the bright red crescents on the top of my shoulders making quite a statement.
“I’m busy,” she huffed. “I told you that three days ago. We’ve had four clients dump emergencies into our lap.”
Both Aine and the other baker looked at Talia out of the corner of their eyes, too busy with furiously decorating to look up.
“Okay,” I held my hands up. “I’ll just pick up my order and get out of your hair.”
Talia frowned. “What order?”
A chill swept over me. “The bachelorette party. The mocktail cupcakes.”
“I never said I could do that,” Talia snapped, her mouth set in a thin line. “Honestly, I thought we were better friends than this.”
“What?” Shivery coldness rushed over me again, like I’d dropped into the ocean.
From the bond, Luca, Logan, and Julian all thrummed through with love. It was almost as good as having them next to me in person, giving me a hug.
It gave me strength. Peace. I took in a slow, shuddery breath.
Talia crossed her arms over her chest, tears brimming in her eyes. “You should have known when I canceled our plans for the third time. You dump an order on me and then rub it in my face that you got bonded before me.”
My brain felt stupid and slow. That was…not what happened. At all. I swore Talia said she’d do the cupcake order, no problem.
“Hang on just a second.” I pulled out my phone. My brain went staticky, and my hands felt clammy. What if she hadn’t actually said she could do it, I just assumed? It was hard to remember.
I scrolled through our text messages. “You said you were fine to do the cupcake order. At no point in time did you say you were hurting or upset.”
“I have to spell it out?” Talia sniffed. “Typical selfish Sunshine. Only focused on your problems. But that’s fine because you can whine to your family. Instead of forcing you to own up to your mistakes, they hire you an assistant.”
I blinked at the sudden change of subject. Arguing with Talia was always like trying to catch a fish in my hands.
Talia gestured around her. “Some of us aren’t lucky enough to have a family like that.”
“I am totally confused.” I tried to make any of this make sense. “You said you were fine to make the order. Right here, in the text message, you said it was fine. And now you’re twisting everything around.”
“I thought you were a better friend,” Talia continued, looking like I’d just kicked her puppy. “I told you a hundred times I was busy. You didn’t offer to help, you didn’t sweep in with your family to “fix it”. You kept talking about your pack and rubbing it in my face.”
“How was I supposed to know you were that busy?” I hated how shrill and defensive I sounded. If I could have two seconds to figure out what the hell was going on maybe I could have a reasonable conversation.
“I told you,” Talia snapped. “Three times this week since you want to pull your phone out, like I’m a liar.”
I held my hands up. “You’re constantly complaining I don’t use your bakery enough, and when I do, it’s suddenly this big imposition.”
“Ha.” Talia shook her head. “Leave it to you to twist my words like that.”
I rubbed my temples. Talia was mad at me for…being bonded and asking her to make cupcakes? Usually, it was Becca and Talia that got into these sorts of fights.
Talia stalked over to the stainless-steel countertop, grabbing a mixing bowl. Aine and the other baker looked like they were praying for a hole in the ground to open up. Frankly I wasn’t sure I wasn’t praying for the same thing. “I thought we put everything behind us. I really thought we were trying to be better friends.”
“I thought that too,” I said desperately. “I asked you to make cupcakes, we hung out and got Thai, and I postponed several dates with the pack so we could spend time together.”
“But you’re holding the thing with Becca over my head.” She kept talking like I hadn’t said anything. “I have to rethink what sort of friend you actually are. You really hurt me.”
I went numb at that. She knew the soft places to twist the knife when she wanted to hurt me. All the insecurities I’d tried to fix, all my secret worries, and she wielded our friendship like a finely honed blade.
Instead of with love, like my pack. Like a fluffy pillow I could land on, a safe place to catch me when I fell.
I swallowed hard, my hands clammy with cold sweat. “If I’ve been ignoring you or making you feel bad, I’m sorry.”
Her shoulders relaxed. She was getting her way, I was apologizing. My phone buzzed in my purse.
I sucked in a breath. If I’d accidentally hurt my friend’s feelings, I didn’t mind apologizing, but I didn’t do anything wrong. That was a hill I was willing to die on. I would own up when I made mistakes. Heavens knew, I made lots of them.
But I didn’t make this entire mess. Concern and love poured through the packbonds, momentarily disorienting me. It was a soft, but strong weight I could lean on. I could do this. I could stand up for myself.
I squared my shoulders. “You agreed to make the cupcakes. You said you were experimenting with flavors. I asked you Wednesday if you needed help and you said you got it.” I paused, my voice sounding calm. “And if I hadn’t told you I had bonded Pack Kahele you’d be mad I didn’t let you know. I told you first, and instead of disappearing for two weeks like you did when you first started dating Pack Donovan, I made time for you.”
Anger flashed in Talia’s eyes. I wasn’t following the script of saying I was sorry and moving on. But damn it, I was tired of being in trouble for everything outside of my control.
“You’re an adult, Talia.” I kept going. Why stop when she was already furious? It felt good in a way, like releasing old wounds. All the hurt and confusion I’d kept bottle up inside came pouring out. “At some point you’re going to have to realize it’s not only the other person’s fault when you’re hurt and upset. Expecting someone to read your mind isn’t going to work.”
“Happy now that you said your piece? That you go to martyr yourself?” Talia snapped, rounding on me. Her mouth twisted into a sneer. “I knew, by the way. Becca was sleeping with Rob. She asked me not to tell, said she wasn’t sure if she wanted something serious with them.”
I froze. Everything inside me hung on a precipice, like I was toppling over the edge, about to break.
“Becca said you were too self-centered and insecure to notice when Rob smelled like someone else.”
I sucked in a breath. The room swam in front of me, and for a crystal-clear moment I thought I’d slap her. All the hurt, rage, and anger boiled over.
I let it pass. I wouldn’t break my own morals. Not for her.
I shook my head. “The sad thing is you think telling me those things is how you’re going to “win” this argument.”
I turned around.
“Go ahead, leave,” Talia snapped. “I hope that pack makes you happy because you can’t unbond someone. Bonds are forever.”
“I thank all the cosmic energy of the universe for them every day,” I said. “Goodbye, Talia.”
Tears bit the corners of my eyes, and I hurried out to the parking lot. I got into my car and just sat there for a moment, replaying the argument over and over.
My phone buzzed again. I checked it, hoping it would help center me. Tears threatened to fall, and the world grayed around the edges. I couldn’t catch my breath.
I had three missed calls each from Logan, Luca, and Julian.
Logan:
Sunshine, what’s wrong?
Luca:
Do you need us?
Julian:
Babe, what’s going on?
I can steal the firetruck and be there in five minutes or less
If you don’t check in soon I’ll GPS your phone and find you
I let out a watery laugh and dialed Julian.
“What’s wrong?” He answered before it the first ring finished.
Tears spilled out of my eyes and my hands shook. “Talia…” My throat closed up.
Calm down . I told myself. You’re overreacting .
“Is she hurt?” I heard the sound of keys jingling. “I’ll be right there.”
“We had a fight.” I let out a sob. My heart hurt, like it was bruised and broken. Like someone had shoved their hands inside my chest and ripped it out.
“Oh, honey.” Julian’s voice went soft. “Drive over to the station.”
“You’re working.” I sniffled. I couldn’t stop the flow of tears, couldn’t force the pain back inside my body.
“Are you in your car?” His voice was soothing but took on a tone of authority.”
“Yes.” I hiccupped. I couldn’t figure out how it went so wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have argued back, I should have waited for her to calm down.
“Are you okay to drive? I can come get you.”
“I can drive,” I managed. I put the keys in the ignition and turned it on. My hands shook. I put my earbud in, so I could talk on the phone hands free.
“Oh my god,” I squeaked, my shoulders freezing. Tears started falling again. “The cupcakes. I can’t. She didn’t make them. Said she never agreed to do it.”
“If only we knew a really sexy chef who would cut off his own arm for us,” Julian said with a laugh. “I’m texting our alphas now.”
Some of the panic died down at the mention of our alphas.
Our alphas. And my omega.
“It’s not his job to pick up my messes,” I said, feeling a burst of guilt. Maybe Talia was right, and I was selfish.
“It’s not. But he would love nothing more than to swoop in and save the day,” Julian said. “Take Front Street. I’ll wait for you outside.”
“The Bachelorette Party,” I said. “They’re expecting mocktail cupcakes.”
“Logan will get the details from Ginny. Aren’t you glad you hired an assistant now? Those cupcakes will be ten times better than anything that thankless harpy could come up with.”
I focused on the road, driving in a daze, going way under the speed limit. It felt like it took five years, but I finally pulled in front of the fire station.
As promised, Julian was waiting outside for me. He looked dashing in his blue uniform, and his hair pulled back into a ponytail.
I parked in the front, and by the time I got out of the car, Julian was there, pulling me into a fierce hug.
I started crying again. I couldn’t stop it, couldn’t hold back. Letting out my hurts and fears had felt like lancing a boil, but now it wouldn’t go back into its box. Julian led me into the station, and I was ashamed to see his company standing around, looking worried.
I waved my hand, trying to tell them I was fine, just overreacting. It came out in a watery gurgle, and Julian me into the living room. It smelled fresh and clean, and the same blue flannel blanket sat on the back of the couch.
Julian pulled me into his lap, and I stopped trying to get myself under control.
Instead, I cried like my heart was breaking.
In a way, it was. This was the last big fight with Talia. In my heart, I knew there was no fixing this, no patching this up. I couldn’t keep doing this dance with her, and frankly, I deserved better.
It was over.
I cried harder. Talia had helped me make my own dress for prom when we were too poor to buy one. She’d sat up with me all night when I had panic attacks about my parents’ death. She’d helped me cram for tests and bought me cute necklaces just because.
It was so, so hard to reconcile that with the other side of her. The mean and petty side. How self-centered she could be, how either she was focused on making you feel like the center of the universe or needed you to make her feel like the center of the universe. How mean she got when she felt like you deserved it.
How did I decide what was too much?
I cried until I ran out of tears, and then I settled for sniffling into Julian’s uniform. He cuddled me against him, and it was the most soothing feeling in the entire world. I could see why omegas wanted to cuddle all the time.
Chloe hovered nearby, bringing us both mugs of tea, and then retreating. He passed me the tea. I sipped it, the warm sweetness soothing my throat.
Julian kissed my temple, and I sighed. Despite the misery, I felt at peace. Having bonds in place to steady me helped take the edge off the feeling that I was spiraling inside my own thoughts.
“There you go,” Julian said. “It’s okay. We’ve got you.”
“I’m sorry for the trouble.” Shame flashed through me. I was bothering Julian, at work with my stupid friend squabbles.
“It’s no trouble.” Julian kissed my temple again. “You are always welcome to come here, especially when something terrible happens.”
“I overreacted.” I sighed.
“I doubt that.” Julian frowned. “You’re probably under reacting if anything.”
I shook my head. “Do I need to do anything?” I wanted to reach for my phone, but my purse was on the other side of the couch and it felt too far away.
“Logan and Ginny have it handled.” Julian rubbed my hand. He was extra affectionate and touching him made his love and concern pulse through the bond like a second heartbeat. “Do you want to talk about it, or do you want me to distract you?”
I sighed. Might as well get it all out. I told him about the fight and even showed him the text messages that Talia and I had exchanged. I worried that I’d missed something, some important bit of information that would make this situation finally make sense.
Julian smoothed some hair out of my face. “Babe, no. First of all, even if you did ignore her passive aggressive cry for help, which you didn’t, she’s been nagging you for months to use her bakery. She said she could do it, and you even went through the formal booking process.”
Some of the shame eating away at my chest released. There was a hard ball lodged where my heart was supposed to be, but it was getting smaller.
“I don’t understand why she would go off the rails like that.”
“Because she was jealous.”
I rolled my eyes. “Not every fight is girl jealousy.”
“Not every fight, but this one is.” Julian kissed my cheek. “She compares herself to you all the time. Your business versus her business. You got an assistant, and she doesn’t have one. You knew she would be upset that you were bonded before her. She feels like she deserves everything you have, and if she doesn’t have it yet it makes her feel bad.”
I bit my lip. Talia had always reacted with sadness if anything good happened to me or Becca. She would be happy for us, but always made sure to mention how much she wished the same thing would happen to her. If I got an A on my tests, and she got a B, she would be upset that she didn’t do better. Never mind that she got lots of As on other subjects, or that I had studied hard.
“I thought we were past that. When we all got real jobs and became adults, some of that got better.”
“Until you were in a serious relationship.” Julian tucked a blanket around us.
“Yeah.” I sighed.
“Talia does a good job of making you feel valued when she wants to. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay for her to lash out at you whenever she feels insecure.”
I’d thought about the last few months. Crashing my date with Luca. Being mad I didn’t text back right away and brushing off me being bonded. Wanting her cupcakes at our tent at the First Responders’ Festival and being mad when I couldn’t say yes.
“It feels like she’s setting me up for failure. Or making everything about our relationship. If I said no, I didn’t love her anymore, and didn’t care about our friendship.”
“If you behaved in a similar fashion, she would be upset.” Julian added in.
I let out another sigh and rubbed my face on Julian’s shoulder. He smelled like pineapple and coconut, like home. “You’re right.”
“It’s up to you,” Julian said. “You can let her apologize or not.”
“I don’t know if she’s even going to do that.” I muttered. “She probably expects me to.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. It hurts, but maybe this is the break you needed. To show you how she really feels.” Julian patted my back. “You’ve got an amazing new pack. We’re going to go on vacations, maybe get a different house, and start a family someday.”
I liked the sound of all that.
“Your family will settle down with packs of their own and have their own babies. Your business will only grow now that you have time and space for it.” Julian dragged his palm over my cheek in such a soft gesture it broke me a little bit. “The entire time, you’re going to have to walk on eggshells around her. Especially since she seems to prefer to torpedo people around her instead of figuring out what’s holding her back.”
“That sounds like her.” I took another long swallow of tea. The mint soothed my throat, and despite my head pounding, I was starting to feel better.
Julian sounded angry. “She’s supposed to be your friend, not making you feel like you have to make yourself smaller around her.”
All of a sudden, I was exhausted. Of all feelings. I focused on the comfort and love coming from being bonded to men who loved me.
Unconditionally.
It made me feel safer than I’d felt since my parents died, knowing they would be there for me no matter what I did. “She used to be my best friend. She didn’t used to be this…petty on a regular basis. It popped up here and there, but never this much. I think that’s why this outburst shocked me so much.”
“Things get harder when you get older. Your old ways of handling things stop working and you’re forced to find something new or become stagnant.” Julian kissed my temple again, sweet affection pouring through the bond. He didn’t seem able to stop himself from loving on me. “I’m happy that she was there for you when you needed her. Becca too. But that doesn’t change that both she and Becca betrayed you in all the ways that matter.”
I mentally rubbed the wound. “That’s true.”
I thought about the last year. How it felt like Talia had changed, but assumed it was just a rough patch. We could overcome it, work through our problems.
But that required both of us to be actively trying to work through our feelings. And when push came to shove, Talia preferred to blame me or other people than own up to her failures.
It was time to let go.
I petted his hand around my waist. “You don’t know what a relief it is to know that you love me.”
“You’re stuck with me forever.” Julian squeezed me against him. “I was trying to give you space, but once I found out like you had a crush on me you were a goner.”
I laughed.
“You had no hope of escaping our love.”
“Good.” I cuddled against my omega. “Maybe some of it was my own ego. Wanting to make it work and not be a bad friend.”
Julian pulled me tightly against him. “Nothing wrong with that. But you’re not a bad friend. It’s okay to let go of relationships that aren’t working anymore.”
I spent the rest of the afternoon cuddled against Julian. We played Race to Win with the rest of the company, and thankfully none of them acted like it was strange I was there, hanging out. Chloe had two of her packmates stop by and I stopped feeling so weird.
That night, I thanked Logan for helping me in a bind, and Luca for being so supportive. I told them what happened, and they cuddled me on the couch until I was floating on the bliss of their love.
Maybe I held on so hard and long because I was afraid of losing people. But if this friendship was truly over, I needed to let it go and make room in my life for better things.
I had my pack now, my career was taking off, and I had my family. If my friends didn’t want to be part of that, that was their loss.