THIRTY-FOUR
Jaxson
I’m so conflicted as I listen to Madelyn tell me the reason she walked away. It’s hard to listen and not react, to let her say her piece. I want to go to her. Pull her in my arms and shelter her from this pain, but I can’t. Like her, I was devastated when I learned about the loss of our baby. I still feel an overwhelming sadness whenever I think about what could have been. Even now, I feel that loss.
I never liked the fact that she went through it alone. Maybe not alone, but without me. I’m still harboring some bitterness, paired with the frustration that I never knew—not until she was gone.
I’ve been so gentle with her these past few weeks. Careful not to push, not to ask for more than she’s ready to give. I’ve hidden my own feelings no matter what she tells me, no matter what she says or does. I’ve tortured myself, trying to give her what she needs.
Everyone has their breaking point.
Listening to her tell me that I’m to blame? That pushes me right the fuck past mine.
She wants to know about the party? Why it was so important we go?
She’s about to get a big dose of truth.
Wordlessly, I stand. I stomp past Madelyn—not missing her sharp intake of breath when I do—and march into my bedroom. I hear her break down in the living room, but her tears don’t deter me. Moving to my nightstand, I open the top drawer. There’s a little black box nestled in the back corner. Grabbing it, I hold it tightly and slam the drawer shut.
Madelyn lifts her head when she hears me return. Her eyes are red and puffy, and part of me feels like an asshole for making her cry. But right now, I’m a man on a mission. I’m angry, and I feel justified in my anger.
As I walk past her again, I drop the box in her lap and fall back into the chair. I resume my position and watch as she opens the little black box with a gasp. She looks up at me with wide, wondering eyes, my name lingering on her lips. “Jaxson…”
Madelyn had her turn. She said her piece. Now it’s time for her to hear my truths. Voice low and rough, I give her the answers she’s wanted for years.
“It was an engagement party, Madelyn,” I rasp. “That was the night I was going to ask you to marry me. To spend your life with me...as my wife.”
She sucks in another harsh breath and chokes out a sob, but I don’t stop there. I’m not finished.
“It was a surprise. Our friends were all there. Your siblings were on the way. I was only waiting for them to arrive so I could finally ask. I was so fucking nervous even though I knew you’d say yes. I wanted to share our moment with the people we love. To be surrounded by family and friends on what should have been one of the happiest nights of my life.”
I speak in a low, even tone. My voice sounds emotionless, but I’m just barely holding onto my frustration and anger.
“What should have been one of the best nights of my life—of our life—quickly turned into one of the worst. You didn’t have to blame me, Madelyn. Trust that I felt enough guilt to destroy us both.”
Scrubbing my hand roughly down my face, I struggle to get the words out. The truth she needs to hear.
“You wouldn’t see me, baby. I had no fucking clue what was happening. I just wanted to be there for you. To take care of you like I always did. Do you know what it’s like to be kept from someone you love when they’re hurting? In pain? It fucking sucks, Mads! It was pure torture knowing you were lying in that hospital bed, scared and hurt. And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it because you wouldn’t let me!”
I give myself to my anger. I no longer hold back. My voice gets louder with every word that passes my lips.
“I came every day. Every fucking day hoping you’d change your mind. They turned me away every time. Threatened to call security. I just wanted to love you! Your choice to keep me away almost broke me. But the worst part, Madelyn? The fucking worst part was finding out that you were pregnant with my baby and had a miscarriage. But I didn’t even hear it from you,” I say with a mirthless laugh. “No, you had no intention of telling me. I had to hear it from your brother, after you left me without a fucking word. Couldn’t even write a Dear John letter.”
I stand, no longer content to sit still. My body is restless, vibrating with tension.
“I felt guilty for hurting you, even though it wasn’t really my fault. That guilt ate at me...and when I found out about the baby? Fuck, Mads. I wanted to die right then. I broke, baby. My heart shattered right there on the goddamn floor and I’ve never been able to mend all the pieces. I killed our fucking baby, Madelyn! And I had to shoulder that alone. It may have been in a different way, but you’re not the only one that’s suffered through hell.”
I pace the room, tugging on my hair, unable to stop the flow of words from my lips. Madelyn sits there, expression twisted in a mess of emotion, silent tears streaming down her cheeks.
“You know my parents disowned me after you left? They found out about the baby and when I wouldn’t heel to their demands...they said I was no longer their son. They couldn’t have me tarnishing the family name. They wouldn’t even allow me to speak to my baby sister. I had no family. I was left alone with the fallout. While I was here, dealing with the consequences of the choices you made...you were off somewhere else. Moving on with your life like I never fucking existed. Like I never meant a goddamn thing to you. Like you weren’t my entire fucking world! You. Left. Me!”
I’m yelling by the time I finish. Pissed off, I slam my palm against the wall, the resulting bang echoes loudly in the quiet room.
Madelyn flinches.
Freezing, I turn to her and see nothing but fear in her eyes
I made her fucking flinch.
Something I did put that look in her eyes and that’s not okay. Not even close.
Raising my palms in front of me, I slowly back away.
“I’d never hurt you, Madelyn. Not. Fucking. Ever.”
With that, I turn and leave.
I drive to Blackwood Brewhouse on autopilot. Why the bar? Well, where the fuck else am I supposed to go?
I park my ass on a stool near the end of the bar. Noah takes one look at me and slides a glass of whiskey in front of me. I don’t touch the drink in front of me. Head hung low, I mentally curse myself for scaring Madelyn. I never, ever want to be the reason for her fear. I hated the look in her eyes, hated knowing that it was there because of me.
I don’t know how long I sit here, staring at the amber liquid, but I’m not surprised when a set of hands plant themselves in front of me on the bar.
“What are you doing here, brother?”
Shaking my head, I keep my eyes lowered. I refuse to answer. I’m an asshole and I deserve to feel like shit for a while.
“Jaxson.” My eyes flit to Holden, but my expression remains blank.
“Why the fuck are you here instead of at home with my sister?”
There’s already tension in his voice. If I tell him...he’s gonna want to kick my ass. Knowing that, I open my mouth and spill. I tell him everything anyway. Better he hears it from me. I’m man enough to admit I fucked up. I tell him about our conversation, leaving out some of the more personal details. When I finish, Holden chuckles and shakes his head.
“What’s funny about this shit?” I ask.
“You’re a fuckin’ idiot, brother. You and Madelyn are so stupidly perfect for each other, it’s ridiculous.”
“The fuck?”
“You love her?” he asks, brow raised in a question he already knows the fucking answer to.
“You fuckin’ know I do.”
“Then pull your head outta your ass, sober up, and go home so you can make this right.”
“Don’t need to sober up. Haven’t even taken a sip.”
He looks to Noah, who nods in confirmation.
“Then what the fuck are you waiting for? Go!”
He’s right. There’s only one place I should be right now and it’s not in this bar. Standing, I pull my keys from my pocket and head for the door. I’m almost there when Holden calls out my name.
“Yeah?” I say, looking back.
“Family or not, you hurt my sister and I’ll break your fucking face.”
“I’d expect nothing less, brother.”
Madelyn hasn’t moved an inch from the spot where I left her.
She hasn’t acknowledged my return, so I stand here silently studying her.
The room is cloaked in darkness, the moonlight spilling through the sliding glass door illuminating her face. God, my beautiful girl looks so defeated, so hopeless.
Stepping quietly into the room, her gaze finds mine, but her eyes remain guarded.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry,” I rasp.
Moving to stand in front of her, I drop to my knees and lay my head on her lap.
“I shouldn’t have yelled, Mads. I’m sorry I raised my voice, and I’m sorry I scared you. But I would never hurt you. Would never lay a fucking finger on you in anger.”
“I know,” she says, voice laced with tears. “My reaction was involuntary, Jaxson. I’ve never once been afraid of you. You’re the last person that would ever intentionally cause me pain. I know that. You had every right to be angry, and you held it in for so long. I’m sorry.”
With my head in her lap and arms around her waist, her hand moves to my head, fingers gently running through my hair. My breath hitches and I let it all out. Anger. Guilt. Remorse. Regret. It all leaves my body in a flood of tears. I decide in that moment that the past no longer matters.
Madelyn continues stroking my hair, and I hold on just a little tighter.
Right here. Right now. This moment.
It’s a new start. A new beginning. For both of us.