Chapter 57
Cal
Cal’s flight landed at JFK on a sunny April morning.
He hoped this was a good omen. Although, he had a fair bit of work to do before he could even find Bea, never mind win her back, armed with only the address on her driver’s licence she had used as ID when signing up to work at the bar, and the name of the Manhattan bar she worked in, or once worked in.
Not at all like hunting for a needle in a haystack, he thought ironically.
But he would do it. He would find her. He hadn’t flown all this way to give up after a morning.
She wasn’t at the apartment and he couldn’t see a buzzer marked Gracie.
Cal rang the other buzzers until he got a response, but the neighbour wasn’t forthcoming apart from to say that Bea had moved out.
Cal felt like he was in a Hollywood movie.
He made his way across town to the bar she had worked at.
A sleek, modern building with full glass frontage and a gunmetal interior.
Impressive stuff. Not only the bar itself, but the fact that Bea worked here, or had used to.
It would definitely get busy on evenings and weekends.
He imagined Bea handling each customer with aplomb, mixing the most complicated cocktails and delivering them with a million-watt smile on her face, breaking customers’ hearts left, right and centre. Just as she had broken his.
He asked at the bar.
‘Bea? Yeah, she worked here, but she packed it in a few weeks ago. Her writing is taking up all her time now.’
Cal nodded. He knew about Bea’s writing success.
He’d followed it online, delighted for her hard work to be rewarded at last, although sad at being unable to help her celebrate and enjoy her achievements.
He went to a nearby branch of a coffee chain and drank a latte while thinking about what to do next.
While he was drinking his coffee, Cal pulled out his phone and read Bea’s email for what must be the hundredth time.
Dearest Cal,
This is a message I should have sent a long time ago. In fact, this is probably something I should have said to you in person last time we saw each other. But my head was in a different place then. Allow me to explain.
You were right when you said I was upset about you having a baby with someone else. I was upset, but not because I was jealous, more I was terrified because it brought up such feelings of insignificance for me. So much so that I didn’t think I could cope with being with you when the child was born.
The reason I found this so difficult – and found it almost impossible to share with you in person – is because of my previous relationship.
I told you my ex was controlling and that he left me.
What I didn’t mention was that the woman he left me for fell pregnant as soon as he and I broke up.
This gave me a huge inferiority complex on top of the one already cultivated by him – feelings of worthlessness around not being a mother yet, of not being a ‘proper woman’, which I know are nonsense, but I couldn’t help it.
I simply couldn’t cope with those emotions again but this time with a man I had fallen head over heels in love with, more than I ever have for anyone in my life.
That’s you, by the way, in case you were wondering.
I guess you will know by now whether you are a father or not.
I wish you nothing but health and happiness, whatever the outcome.
I can only apologise that I was not more open with you at the time.
I was struggling immensely and could not work out my feelings to articulate them.
Please believe me when I say that I am truly sorry, and I hope this helps you to understand why I may have behaved in a way that came across as irrational or cold.
Trust me when I say it was not at all what was going on inside.
Yours regretfully but warmly and with love, always.
Bea
Cal sighed and pulled up Bea’s author website on his phone.
For a few moments he gazed at her photograph, still stunned by her beauty although nothing compared to her actual real-life luminescence.
He wasn’t sure exactly what he was searching for, a sign, perhaps, but whilst scrolling down her Latest News and Events page something arrested him.
‘Meet Me. Talk and Book Signing, Amour Amour Book Nook: a romance book store.’ And the date of the event was today.
Cal’s blood pumped hard. The event started ten minutes ago.
He googled the address on his phone. It was far away, but if he was fast, he could make it.
Cal sprinted to the nearest subway station.
A couple of trains and he would only have a block to walk to the bookstore.
He peeled off his jacket. The light cotton shirt he was wearing was sticking to his back, partly from weather far warmer than Scotland and partly from nerves.
A few months ago he was so at ease in Bea’s company.
Now so much was at stake and he wasn’t sure she would even want to talk to him.