Chapter 18
I appear to have discovered that my hamster has become an online public figure.
I was wondering how long that would take.
You were wondering when I would discover it or when Heath would become more successful than me?
Both felt inevitable.
Me 15:35
I have questions.
Mark 15:41
I assumed you might.
Me 15:42
Why does he have nearly seventy thousand followers?
Mark 15:48
People like watching tiny anxious creatures judge them.
Me 15:49
Fair.
Second question.
Mark 15:53
Go on.
Me 15:54
Why are you shirtless on the internet?
Mark 16:07
Ah.
Me 16:08
That is not an answer.
Mark 16:15
I’d just been for a run and Heath climbed on me before I got dressed.
Me 16:16
Naturally.
Me 16:31
How is he?
Mark 16:39
Settled.
Still judges me constantly but he’s eating well and sleeping in all available knitwear.
Me 16:42
I noticed the hats.
Mark 16:46
He likes them.
Me 16:48
You sound proud.
Mark 16:52
I am not proud of being emotionally manipulated by a hamster.
Me 16:55
You made him an Instagram account.
Mark 17:03
And yet somehow I still feel this relationship is unequal.
Me 17:06
Thank you for looking after him.
Mark 17:14
Always.
05 June
Mark 02:11
Your son rejected blueberry this morning.
Me 02:46
You are messaging me offensively early.
Mark 02:52
Heath was rearranging bedding like a tiny builder.
Me 02:56
He rejected blueberry?
Mark 03:01
Sniffed it like I’d insulted his family and walked off.
Me 03:03
Yes, that tracks.
Mark 03:05
Thought you should know your child is difficult.
Me 03:07
He gets that from me.
Mark 03:10
I was trying to be polite.
Me 13:22
How’s Whitstable?
Mark 13:31
Sunny.
Me 13:32
Jealous.
Mark 13:35
Heath spent twenty minutes asleep in my beanie on the patio.
Me 13:37
I'm even jealous of that.
Mark 13:39
How’s Toronto?
Me 13:48
Grey. Wet. Full of meetings that could have been emails.
Mark 13:49
So, London with better maple syrup.
Me 13:50
Essentially.
08 June
Me 18:04
I have just paid nine dollars for a sandwich.
Mark 18:17
Was there gold in it?
Me 18:18
Not that I could identify.
Mark 18:21
Maybe that’s the Canadian tax for politeness.
Me 18:23
At this point I’d rather they just mugged me.
Mark 18:25
Long day?
Me 18:31
Three meetings, two author meltdowns, one colleague who says “touch base” every seven minutes.
Mark 18:34
I don’t know what touch base means and I already hate him.
Me 18:35
Same.
Mark 18:37
One sec.
Mark 18:40
[Photo of Heath wedged inside a trainer]
Me 18:41
Why is he in your shoe?
Mark 18:43
I asked myself the same thing.
Me 18:44
I laughed.
Mark 18:45
Good.
Me 18:47
Thank you.
Mark 18:49
For the shoe hamster?
Me 18:50
For the shoe hamster.
Mark 19:58
He’s asleep under my hoodie now.
Me 19:59
This is becoming a full property takeover.
Mark 20:01
I’ve accepted defeat.
Me 20:02
You say that like you mind.
Mark 20:06
I didn’t say that.
12 June
Me 09:03
Happy birthday.
Mark 09:17
Thank you.
I’m impressed you remembered.
Me 09:20
Callum wished you happy birthday in Heath’s stories.
Mark 09:24
Traitor.
Me 09:28
How old are we pretending you are?
Mark 09:31
Thirty-six.
Me 09:32
You’re forty-three.
Mark 09:33
Blocked.
Me 09:35
Have you got plans?
Mark 09:42
Family dinner tonight. Mum is cooking enough food to feed a county.
Me 09:44
Sounds familiar.
Mark 09:46
And you?
Me 09:47
Me?
Mark 09:49
Plans? Contrary to popular belief this conversation can contain two people.
Me 09:50
Work. Takeaway. Possibly whisky.
Mark 09:54
Bleak.
Me 09:55
I know how to enjoy my life.
Mark 09:57
Have a drink in my honour.
Me 09:58
That sounds dangerously close to us having drinks together.
Mark 10:01
Digitally tragic.
Me 10:02
Still counts.
Mark 20:14
Whisky happened?
Me 20:26
Yes.
Mark 20:28
To me surviving another year.
Me 20:31
To you surviving Heath.
14 June
Mark 14:06
Heath’s followers are demanding more landlord content.
Me 14:18
Landlord content?
Mark 14:20
Apparently that’s me now.
Me 14:21
I saw the comments.
Mark 14:22
Internet strangers are alarmingly invested in my abs.
Me 14:27
Can’t imagine why.
Mark 14:31
Oh?
Me 14:33
Don’t let it go to your head.
Mark 14:35
Too late. I’ve become very popular with middle-aged women in Ohio.
Me 14:37
That must be humbling.
Mark 14:39
You sound jealous.
Me 14:45
I am jealous of no one in Ohio.
Mark 14:46
Specific denial.
Me 14:48
How many shirtless photos are you planning to post?
Mark 14:52
Would it help engagement if I said several?
Me 14:53
I’m muting the account.
Mark 14:54
No, you’re not.
Me 14:55
True.
16 June
Me 17:11
You posted Heath in bowler hat.
Mark 17:18
He looked furious.
Me 17:19
He always looks furious.
Mark 17:20
True.
Me 17:22
You also appear to have gained another twelve thousand followers.
Mark 17:24
I’m basically an influencer now.
Me 17:25
A phrase that made me physically recoil.
Mark 17:27
Someone in the comments called me “the hot hamster dad”.
Me 17:31
I’m sorry?
Mark 17:32
Exact wording.
Me 17:34
The internet was a mistake.
Mark 17:36
You sound annoyed.
Me 17:40
I am annoyed on behalf of society.
Mark 17:41
Not on behalf of the hamster dad?
Me 17:46
Especially not on behalf of the hamster dad.
Mark 17:48
Sure.
Mark 19:09
What are you doing?
Me 19:11
Still at the office.
Mark 19:12
It’s gone midnight here.
Me 19:14
And yet you’re texting.
Mark 19:16
Fair point.
Me 19:17
Trying to edit chapter twelve of a thriller written by a man who thinks commas are oppression.
Mark 19:22
I’m on the sofa with Heath watching Match of the Day.
Me 19:24
He likes football now?
Mark 19:25
No, but he likes sleeping on my stomach while I watch football.
Me 19:27
That sounds inconvenient.
Mark 19:28
I no longer make household decisions.
18 June
Mark 08:03
You eaten?
Me 08:12
This is either caring or surveillance.
Mark 08:14
Answer the question.
Me 08:15
Not yet.
Mark 08:16
It’s lunchtime here.
Me 08:18
Your concern is noted.
Mark 08:19
Eat breakfast.
Me 08:20
Yes, Mum.
Mark 08:21
:-P
Me 09:41
Had breakfast.
Mark 09:44
Well done.
Me 09:45
Did you just praise me for eating cereal?
Mark 09:47
You clearly needed supervision.
Me 09:49
Rude.
Mark 09:50
Accurate.
19 June
Me 15:26
Who is Chloe and why has she commented “marry me hamster daddy” under the latest post?
Mark 15:31
I’m sorry, are you monitoring comments now?
Me 15:32
I was checking Heath’s welfare.
Mark 15:34
Through the comments section?
Me 15:35
Don’t be difficult.
Mark 15:36
Chloe is apparently from Devon.
Me 15:38
Condolences.
Mark 15:39
You sound grumpy.
Me 15:44
I am grumpy that strangers are proposing to my hamster’s staff.
Mark 15:46
My hamster’s staff?
Me 15:47
That’s what you are.
Mark 15:49
Interesting.
Me 15:50
What?
Mark 15:52
Nothing.
Me 15:53
Mark.
Mark 15:56
You said my hamster.
20 June
Mark 19:14
Couldn’t sleep.
Me 19:16
Insomnia or Heath administrative issues?
Mark 19:18
Insomnia.
Me 19:19
It’s gone past 7 p.m. here. That makes it after midnight there.
Mark 19:23
Look at you doing maths.
Me 19:24
I contain multitudes.
Mark 19:28
Bad day?
Me 19:30
Just one of those days where everyone needed something.
Mark 19:32
Yeah.
Me 19:34
You?
Mark 19:37
House felt too quiet.
Me 19:40
Your family were there yesterday.
Mark 19:42
Doesn’t stop it feeling quiet today.
Me 19:45
Hm.
Mark 19:47
Heath’s asleep in my hoodie.
Me 19:49
He does like your clothes.
Mark 19:53
Seems to be a pattern in this household.
Me 19:56
Meaning?
Mark 20:04
Nothing.
Me 20:05
Coward.
Mark 20:07
Probably.
21 June
Me 08:51
I just walked to work in rain that felt personal.
Mark 08:57
I’m sitting in the garden in actual sunshine.
Me 08:58
I dislike you.
Mark 09:01
Liar.
Me 09:02
A little.
Mark 09:03
Tough day ahead?
Me 09:14
You ever have those days where everything is technically fine and still feels off?
Mark 09:22
Yeah.
Me 09:24
Sorry. That sounded dramatic.
Mark 09:26
Didn’t say it was dramatic.
Me 09:29
Just tired, I think.
Mark 09:31
You can be tired.
Me 09:33
Thank you for the permission.
Mark 09:35
Smartarse.
Me 09:36
Occupational hazard.
Mark 09:42
Wish you were here.
Heath just fell off the garden chair trying to climb onto the table.
Me 09:44
That is the most aggressive subject change I’ve ever seen.
Mark 09:45
I bet you laughed though.
Me 09:47
A little.
Send me a photo?
Mark 09:49
Of Heath?
Me 09:50
You know what, don’t make me specify.
Mark 09:52
Cheeky.
[Photo incoming…]