21
ERICA
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I agreed to go to Bible study with King. I texted him earlier today to let him know to pick me up when he was on his way. I’m well enough now that I can go, and I figured I’d be there for moral support too. After all, why wouldn’t I show up to a Bible study that the guy I jerked off is teaching?
Even though King has his Christian music playing, he’s particularly quiet, very pensive. I know he likes to listen to his music before church to get his mind right, but whatever’s coming off him tonight feels heavier, quieter than usual. I look over at him. “Everything okay?”
He replies, “Everything’s fine.”
For some reason, I don’t believe him.
At Bible study, even though King is teaching, he doesn’t seem as passionate as I’ve seen him before. He’s going through the lesson, but his energy’s off.
Then he preaches louder, and as he does, his eyes meet mine where I’m sitting. He keeps going.
“The wages of sin is death,” he states firmly.
“Romans 6:23 tells us that clearly . And when we look at adultery, fornication, sexual immorality, those are sins that defile the body, which is the temple of the Holy Spirit. 1 Corinthians 6:18 says to flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. We can’t play with that fire and expect no consequences. ”
Call me crazy, but it feels like he’s judging me, but something tells me he’s preaching this for himself too, almost like he’s trying to hammer it into his own head because of what we did.
After the Bible study wraps up, as awkward as it felt for me, the pastor takes over and everyone claps.
People are shouting “Amen” and doing all the usual church things.
Pastor Darrian smiles happily. “We should all strive to live a model life like Brother King,” he says.
“Here’s a young man who shows us what kingdom living looks like, a real yearning for Christ. Follow his example.
He’s walking this walk every day, and it’s encouraging to see. ”
King casts his eyes down humbly, probably in shame, because of course nobody knows what we did.
Nobody has any idea that King’s hand was on my pussy making me come and that my hand was down his pants doing the same.
If they all knew, they wouldn’t be giving him the proverbial pat on the back they’re doing now. King looks visibly uncomfortable.
I really do feel sorry for him, but I didn’t make him do those things. Sure, I tease him a lot, but the urge is clearly there because that’s something he wants to do.
Then why do I feel horrible about it?
I don’t feel horrible about what we did, but I do feel horrible that he feels that way.
This Bible study is a little different tonight because the pastor stays on the stage.
He even says they’re going to deviate from the normal format.
“Back in the day when I taught Bible study regularly at the smaller church, we used to open it up like this,” Pastor Darrian explains.
“So tonight, people can ask questions. Stand up, ask the teacher whatever’s on your heart.
Brother King knows his Bible inside and out, this is the perfect time and the perfect person to ask. ”
King looks visibly shocked, like he didn’t expect this. Pastor Darrian turns to him. “Would you mind, Brother King?”
King’s eyes open a little wider than usual. He stutters, “Uh, n—no.”
I feel uncomfortable for him. People start raising their hands, asking questions about the lesson, situations it might apply to, or things they’ve been dealing with personally, what scripture to use, how to handle it.
One lady stands up. “Hey, there’s this girl at my work who’s always talking down to me. I know we’re supposed to have patience and love and all that, but how do I do that without going off on her?”
Some of the congregation laughs lightly.
King laughs uneasily too. “That’s a good question.
Ephesians 4:2 tells us to walk in humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love.
When someone comes at you like that, Proverbs 15:1 says a soft answer turns away wrath.
Try responding calmly, maybe even pray for her silently in the moment, or offer to.
She might not want to, but you never know if she might be going through something.
It’s not easy, but that’s how we show Christ. If it keeps happening, set a boundary with kindness, but don’t let anger take over. ”
The lady nods. “Thank you.”
Another person, a guy, stands. “My brother’s always making fun of me in front of the family. How do I deal with that without ruining the relationship with him and the rest of the family? In the past when I tried to shut it down, everyone ganged up on me.”
King replies, “I hear you. Matthew 18:15 says if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. Start there… uh, maybe talk to him privately, and explain why it offended you. Proverbs 17:14 warns against starting a quarrel that’s like breaching a dam, don’t escalate in front of everyone.
If he doesn’t listen, bring in one or two other members of your family, but the goal is restoration, not winning an argument. Keep praying for him too.”
The guy sits back down, satisfied.
A few more people ask questions. I look over and notice Aaliyah and Madysen staring at me.
You know what? I raise my hand.
After the last person finishes, others are raising hands too, but some behind me see mine and lower theirs.
King looks at me but just stares at my hand, then at me, like he doesn’t want to call on me.
Everyone else has put their hands down, though. It’ll look bad if he skips me. He takes a deep breath of reluctance. “Sister Erica.”
My hand drops.
“If you do something really bad and you’re a good Christian, but you ask God for forgiveness, does He forgive you immediately?”
Everyone waits.
Someone in the back says “Amen” very quietly, probably the lady who says it for everything.
King closes his eyes slowly, then opens them. He’s sweating, understandably from teaching, but now it looks like nerves.
He swallows. “Yes. Yes He does. 1 John 1:9 says… if… we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. When we… truly repent, He forgives immediately.”
He nods and starts looking for someone else, but I call out, “Wait, I’m sorry, one more thing. Ummmm… If you continue to feel bad after God forgives you, isn’t that not trusting that He forgave you?”
King hesitates.
“If you don’t sin anymore after the forgiveness, then there’s no reason to feel badly.” He looks at me, and the look he gives me says very clearly: do not ask anything else.
I don’t know why he’s acting like this.
Am I not part of the congregation?
King points to someone else. Sister Madysen’s voice comes from behind me, off to my right a few rows back.
“What if a family member strays from God? How should we bring them back?”
King answers brightly, “Galatians 6:1 says if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Pray for them, speak truth in love when the time’s right, but don’t force it.
Let God draw them. 2 Timothy 2:25 reminds us to correct opponents with gentleness , in hope that God may grant them repentance. ”
My hand shoots up again. Some others put theirs down, but King chooses someone else who still has theirs up. After he answers that person, I raise mine again.
I can tell King is trying not to look peeved. He sighs, points. “Sister Erica.”
“Can a relationship between a godly person and a secular person work?”
King goes quiet.
He just looks at me, his tongue sliding across his top teeth before settling, then pulling in his bottom lip.
His fingers drum lightly on the podium. The awkward silence stretches. The room feels too still.
Finally he speaks. “I’m not qualified to answer that.”
“But what does the Bible say?” I press.
He licks his lips, as if trying to maintain his composure. “2 Corinthians 6:14 says do not… be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? That’s the clear instruction. Avoid those relationships.”
I smirk. “What if the unbeliever doesn’t stay away, or can’t stay away?”
Silence.
The whole building is quiet. There’s probably only about 200 of us here right now, but you could hear a pin drop.
King narrows his eyes in an expression of warning at me like it’s just us in the room. “Then they’re playing with fire and they risk eternal damnation and separation from God.”
His tone is directed straight at me, deep and stern like he’s casting fire and brimstone. Like he’s God himself admonishing me, threatening to sentence me.
I smile and nod. King goes on to answer eight more people’s questions. Pastor Darrian cuts in, everyone claps, and we all start getting ready to go home.
King drives in silence. The Christian music is playing, but he looks restless, kind of pissed, honestly. The way he’s working his jaw, narrowing his eyes as he drives, the night air coming through the partially open window. Then he reaches over and clicks the music off, like he’s done.
It’s only been about five minutes of driving when he breaks the silence. “What did you think you were doing?” he asks.
I look at him. “I wanted you to be honest.”
“You cannot ask questions like that,” he says.
“Why not? Everybody was asking questions about the same thing.”
“Yes, but you knew what you were doing.”
“If you and I never had anything going on, never did any of that, would it have been a problem if I asked? Would you have not been qualified?”
“Erica—” He stops, trails off, just shaking his head slowly as he keeps driving.
We ride in silence the rest of the way. When he pulls up to the curb at my apartment, I notice he doesn’t pull into the parking lot. He stares straight ahead. Is he mad at me? I know he was annoyed and peeved, but he can’t still be mad.
Doesn’t he realize how guilty he makes himself look when he acts like that?
He doesn’t even get out to open my door. He just sits there, staring through the windshield like he’s lost in thought, upset, that blank angry stare. Then he breathes in deep and opens his driver’s side door.
I didn’t even think to get out because I’m so used to him opening it for me. Just as I’m about to, he gets out, walks around the front of the truck, and opens my door, looking elsewhere as he does.
“Thank you,” I say as I step out.
“I’m gonna pick you up tomorrow to go to the camp, if you feel like you’re ready to go,” he tells me.
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
I reach in for a hug, but King steps back. I chuckle. “Are you really that angry with me?”
“I’m not angry, Erica,” he says quietly. Then he goes back to his driver’s side door, tells me goodnight, and takes off slowly in the truck.
Wow. Whatever. Fuck you.
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