6. Shante #2
I actually laughed a little at that; Malik really was a street nigga at heart. He was the type of man people moved carefully around. But when it came to me, he turned into a whole different person.
“You got me looking like a lame,” he continued jokingly. “Got me standing in CVS smiling and shit.”
I laughed harder this time. “You so dramatic.”
“I’m dead serious,” he replied while grinning. “Old ladies probably thought I was somebody husband.”
That warmth in his voice and that excitement made my chest ache, he really wanted a family. And I was over here lying straight in his face every day. He kissed my forehead softly before sitting back down on the couch.
“Come here.”
I curled up beside him quietly while he wrapped his arm around me naturally. And sitting there against his chest while he rubbed my arm absentmindedly, I realized something that scared me even more than getting caught. I was going to break a good man, and he was going to leave me.
A couple weeks later, I was still living in my head.
Every day felt heavier than the one before because I was constantly waiting for something to happen.
Waiting for my body to change and for the pregnancy test to finally say positive.
Waiting for this secret to completely take over my life.
The fucked up part was I couldn’t even talk to the one person I told everything to anymore, Alisha.
I sat curled up on the couch scrolling through my phone when her name flashed across the screen. Immediately guilt hit me because lately I’d been avoiding her. Not completely but enough for her to notice.
“What’s up boo?”
“There go my best friend,” Alisha laughed through the phone.
I smiled a little. “Girl shut up.”
“No seriously,” she continued. “You been missing in action.”
My stomach tightened instantly because she wasn’t wrong. “I been busy,” I lied smoothly.
“With what?”
“Life.”
Alisha sucked her teeth dramatically. “That’s not an answer.”
I laughed softly while pulling the blanket tighter around my legs. “Why you interrogating me?”
“Because you acting weird.”
There it was again that word weird. Everybody kept noticing it no matter how hard I tried acting normal. “I’m not acting weird.”
“Yes, you are,” she replied immediately. “You barely answer your phone, you keep turning down drinks, and every time I ask you to do something you disappear.”
I closed my eyes briefly hearing disappointment in her voice made me feel even worse.
“I told you me and Malik been working on us,” I said carefully.
Lie, another damn lie, at this point lying had become second nature.
“What that got to do with me though?” Alisha asked.
I could hear Brittany talking loudly in the background while cartoons played somewhere behind her.
“Nothing,” I replied. “We just been spending more time together lately.”
“Mhm.”
I hate when she made that sound because it meant she wasn’t fully buying whatever I was saying.
“How things been with Deuce?” I asked quickly trying to change the subject.
Her whole tone softened.
“Girl…” she laughed. “That man been on his best behavior lately.”
“Really?”
“Yes,” she replied. “Flowers, random check-ins, coming home earlier, he been trying to act right.”
I swallowed hard, immediately my mind went to Kim and everything happening behind her back that she still had no clue about.
“See,” I forced a laugh. “Maybe he finally listening.”
“Maybe,” she replied. “Or maybe he know he been getting on my nerves.”
I smiled weakly to myself, if only she knew.
“I still don’t like how weird he acted at the shop that day though,” she admitted after a second.
“What you mean?” I asked carefully while trying not to sound nervous.
“With that girl Kim,” Alisha said slowly. “Something just felt off.”
I stopped breathing for a second, but then she kept talking before I had to respond.
“Maybe I’m overthinking though.”
“Probably,” I blurted out.
“You answered that fast,” Alisha said slowly.
“I just mean… men be awkward sometimes.”
The lie sounded weak even to me.
“Mhm,” she said again.
There’s that suspicious little sound she made when something wasn’t sitting right with her. I rubbed my forehead slowly while anxiety started creeping up. Lately every conversation with Alisha felt dangerous, one wrong reaction could blow everything up.
“Well anyway,” she continued, “I’m tired of not seeing my best friend.”
“I know.”
“No seriously, Shante, I miss you.”
That hurt because I missed her too. But every time I looked at her now, all I saw was betrayal sitting between us.
“We can go to lunch soon,” I promised quietly.
“When?”
“Soon.”
“Girl don’t ‘soon’ me.”
I laughed softly. “I’m serious.”
“No, I’m serious,” Alisha replied. “I wanna see you this week.”
Avoiding her had become easier than facing what I was doing to her and I hated myself for that.
“You know your niece misses you too,” she added.
That almost broke me completely because Brittany loved me and vice versa. She was my first baby, and I always prided myself on the bond we had. But because I can’t stand to be around Alisha or Deuce’s ass, I can’t see her either.
“Awww,” I said. “Tell my baby I miss her too.”
“She asked about you yesterday.”
I swallowed hard.
“You better come see us,” Alisha continued. “And stop acting brand new.”
“I will.”
“You promise?”
I closed my eyes briefly before answering.
“Yeah. I promise.”
I hated how easily lies came out of my mouth now.
After me and Alisha got off the phone, I just sat there staring at the wall for a minute.
Her voice still echoed around in my head.
Your niece misses you too. I rubbed my hands down my face slowly trying to shake the guilt off me when my phone started ringing again, this time it was Deuce’s annoying ass.
I already felt irritated before I even answered.
“What?” I snapped.
“Ain’t nobody tell you to answer the phone with attitude,” he replied calmly.
“Well stop calling me stressing me out then.”
He ignored that completely.
“What’s the progress?”
Straight to business like always. No checking on me, no asking how I was mentally handling any of this. I leaned my head back against the couch cushions.
“There ain’t no progress yet,” I let him know. “I’m still waiting.”
“When your next appointment?”
“Next Thursday.”
“Aight cool I’ll be there.”
Silence fell for a second before he spoke again. “Kim coming with us.”
Immediately my face twisted. “The fuck she is.”
Deuce sighed heavily already sounding annoyed.
“Shante…”
“No,” I snapped. “Absolutely not.”
“She wanna be involved.”
“I don’t give a fuck what she want.”
I meant that, I did not fuck with Kim at all. Everything about her irritated me. The entitlement and the pressure she put on Deuce. The fact that she sat around threatening everybody’s lives because she couldn’t get her way. She was the reason I even got dragged into this shit to begin with.
“I’m already betraying my best friend,” I continued heatedly. “I’m not about to sit around playing family with the fucking enemy too.”
“You doing too fucking much thinking.”
There he go always trying to minimize everything.
“No,” I snapped. “YOU not thinking enough.”
“She part of this situation whether you like it or not.” He responded.
“I don’t give a damn.”
“She the mother.”
“The mother?” I repeated. “Nigga I don’t give a damn! I’m the one carrying the baby.”
“You know what I mean, it’s her egg.”
No, I didn't know what he meant because technically none of this even made sense anymore. I stood up from the couch and started pacing slowly across the living room while anger built up inside me.
“You got me out here lying to Malik… lying to Alisha… feeling guilty every damn day and now you want me to buddy up with Kim too?”
“You my sister.”
“And Alisha my best friend!”
“My blood come first.”
That shut me up for a second because deep down that was exactly how Deuce saw things, blood before everybody. Always us never them has always been his motto.
“You need to stop thinking emotionally,” he continued. “Your loyalty is supposed to be to me.”
“My loyalty got me fucked up right now.”
“You acting like I forced you.”
“You damn near did!”
“No,” he replied calmly. “You made a choice.”
Yeah, I did and lately that choice has been eating me alive. Deuce exhaled heavily through the phone before speaking again.
“Hear me out,” he said. “Kim needs to feel involved.”
“Why?”
“Because if she don’t, she start acting crazy and shit.”
I rolled my eyes immediately.
“Oh, fucking well.”
“Forreal sis.”
“So am I.”
The line went quiet for a second before Deuce finally spoke again. “This the only way I keep the Feds off my ass.”
That sentence sucked all the anger out of the room for a minute. As much as I hated this situation, I still understood what was really at stake. Prison, indictments, everything crashing down.
“Her father still pressing her?” I asked.
“All the time.”
I rubbed my forehead slowly damn.
“She threatening me again too,” he admitted.
“About what?”
“She said if this don’t work out the way she want, she talking.”
I closed my eyes briefly, every time Kim's name came up, the situation somehow sounded messier and more unstable.
“That girl crazy,” I let him know.
“She hurt.”
“Nigga she crazy and obsessed.”
“She ain’t crazy she just hurt. That girl done had three miscarriages and the man she in love with married.”
“I don’t wanna hear that bullshit Deuce. Have you ever thought that maybe it’s not meant for you to have a baby. Maybe God is punishing you for cheating.”
“Now you sound crazy sis.”
I sighed heavily before sitting back down on the couch. I was tired mentally emotionally and physically. Tired of carrying pressure that didn’t even belong to me originally.
“So, what exactly does she expect?” I asked finally. “Us all sitting around holding hands at the appointment?”
“She just wanna be there.”
“And I don’t want her there.”
“You don’t got a choice.”
That irritated me all over again.
“See that’s your problem,” I snapped. “You keep making decisions for everybody.”
“I’m trying to keep everybody afloat.”