41. Ember
EMBER
I’m at work, trying to fit in a few minutes of studying, when my phone pings with a message. I’m surprised to see it’s Abby, my old roommate. Hey Ember, how’s it going? Did you find a place to live?
Not yet, I respond. I’m staying with some friends, but it’s just short term while I save up money.
Gotcha. Things aren’t going so great with the boyfriend; he’s getting on my nerves, and in this tiny studio apartment we can’t get away from each other. Let me know if you find someplace and need a roommate.
That would be good. She was fine as far as roommates go; she paid her share of the rent and did her share of the chores. I’ll let you know , I promise. Hang in there .
As I put my phone away, Zeb emerges from the hallway. “Ember, where’s the ointment? I couldn’t find any in the storage room.”
My stomach lurches. Did I forget to order it? I just finished unpacking our latest shipment, so it should be there.
“Um …” I pull up the order on my tablet, but the aftercare ointment isn’t listed. Dammit!
“I’m sorry.” There’s a hint of a tremor in my voice that I hate. “It looks like I somehow missed ordering it. I can pick more up when I go out for lunch.”
He shakes his head. “I have a client coming in an hour, and I’ll need it then. I’ll head over to the other shop and get some.” Without waiting for a reply, he turns and heads back down the hallway.
Crap. How did I let that happen?
Stupid question; I know how. I’ve been so preoccupied with my fuckbuddy coworkers that I’ve been letting things slip. And now Gage and Kai are going to know I’m screwing up when Zeb shows up asking for ointment.
I quickly put together an order for more ointment and send it off. Then I try not to spend the rest of the morning beating myself up, but it’s hard. All my worst fears about working with these men seem to be coming true.
My phone pings again, and this time it’s Hazel. I feel another stab of guilt. We’ve messaged and spoken a few times since I got involved with the men, but I haven’t told her what’s going on. I’ve kept the focus on my schoolwork, and the shop, and the roommate aspects of living with the men, sharing stories that are entertaining, but not revealing.
I know I should tell her. But if I don’t admit the truth to her, I can keep lying to myself.
At lunchtime, Lexy pulls up out front to pick me up for a lunch date with her and Ava. The restaurant is near campus, so the bus would take too long, and my friend knows I try to avoid Ubering because of the cost. “Hi! Thanks for the ride,” I say as I climb into her car.
“Hey, stranger. It’s been a minute. It feels like we haven’t talked in ages.”
We haven’t, and it’s my fault. I ignore the stab of guilt and say, “I know. It’s been forever.”
“Is it the new job? I’ll have to tell Kai and Gage they’re working you too hard.”
Her choice of words makes my skin heat. There are three men who’ve been working me really hard, but not in the way she’s talking about. “Part of it’s work, but mostly schoolwork.”
“Oh, right. You’re close to graduation, aren’t you? How’s it going?”
“It’s going okay.” Not as good as it should be , I silently chastise myself.
On the drive across town, I manage to keep the conversation focused on Lexy and everything going on in her life. It has been far too long since I’ve seen, or even spoken to, my friends, and guilt nags at me during the entire ride.
We meet Ava in the restaurant lobby. Her cheeks are flushed, and she looks like she’s been doing more enjoyable things than attending class. Prior to hooking up with my housemates, I might have missed the subtle signs, but now I recognize a woman who’s being well satisfied.
I’d been planning to keep everything outside of work and school a secret, but being in Lexy and Ava’s presence provides such a temptation. These are two people who know me well; they also both know Griffin, Zeb, and Frank, and most importantly, my friends know how to navigate polyamorous relationships—if I can use the term relationship for what I have going on.
It would be the perfect opportunity for me to get advice on how to handle the fact that I’m falling for three men.
I’m still pondering this several minutes later, after we’ve ordered and received our food. Instead of eating, I’m gazing out the window at a succulent garden when the talk around me goes silent. I turn to find both of my friends staring at me.
“What’s up?” Ava asks.
The looks on both their faces tell me there’ll be no point denying that something is indeed up.
Taking a deep breath, I dive in. “I may have a situation.”
“Oh?”
“A more-than-one-guy situation.” Alarm bells go off as soon as I make this confession, and they’re amplified by the way Ava’s and Lexy’s brows go up.
They’re eager to hear my news, but if I tell them, I’ll have to ask them not to say anything to their significant others, because if Gage and Kai find out, my world is going to come crashing down.
Both of my friends put down their forks and lean in. “Do tell.”
My mind scrambling, I find a way not to backpedal completely. “I had to move in with the guys I work with, and they’re really getting on my nerves.”
Lexy frowns. “What?”
“Move in with them?” Ava echoes. “Why?”
“I knew they were into you!” Lexy says.
Ava turns to her. “No, she said she had to.” Putting her full focus back on me, she asks, “What do you mean, had to?”
“I can’t believe I never told you. I’ve just been so busy. My apartment was condemned, and I had to move out on short notice. The guys saw me crying when I found out and convinced me to move in with them. They’re so close to our new location.”
“Why didn’t you call us?” Ava asks, with Lexy nodding in agreement.
“I …I didn’t want to intrude. You’re both in relationships, and you don’t need a fifth wheel involved.” I try to laugh at my little joke, but neither of them cracks a smile.
“Ember, you know that doesn’t matter. We have space for you,” Lexy says.
“Distance was a factor, too. The bus system doesn’t make things easy. I didn’t want to be a burden.”
“Friends aren’t burdens,” Ava says.
Their kindness, which of course comes as no surprise, makes me feel even worse about lying to them. They’re clearly not pleased that I never told them about this big life event, either, and I feel like a shitty friend all around.
I take a bite of a french fry, and it’s hard to swallow.
“So what’s the problem?” Ava asks. “They’re getting on your nerves?”
“Yeah, I mean, I appreciate them inviting me to stay at their house, and it’s only for a little while, but working with them all day and seeing them in the evening is a lot. Griffin steals my things just to tease me, Zeb and Griffin argue all the time, and Frank is so gruff.”
I have to call on my earlier impressions of the men to find something to complain about, and I’m both proud and ashamed when it seems I pull it off.
“Men are strange.” Ava’s attempt to commiserate isn’t very effective, thanks to the secret smile that plays at the edge of her lips. She’s enjoying her men far too much to participate in broad criticism of the male sex.
Lexy’s watching me closely, and I try to meet her eyes, so I don’t look guilty. “Are they hitting on you, or making any moves?” she asks, and when I shake my head, she frowns again. “Those guys always seemed so into you.”
“No, nothing like that,” I lie, wracking my brain for ideas on where to take the conversation next, so we can move past this topic.
For the rest of the meal, I mostly just move my food around my plate, because I’ve lost my appetite. Lying to my friends feels a million times worse than lying to my bosses, and even though I decided not to confide in them so I could ask their advice, I think I have my answers.
The fact that I have to keep secrets, and avoid telling the truth to the people closest to me, is a clear sign—a bright red one—that I need to put an end to whatever it is that’s going on between me, Griffin, Zeb, and Frank.
This isn’t how things are supposed to go, and it’s definitely not a good foundation for any sort of relationship.
I need to get serious about moving out and putting an end to the lies.