16. Nik
Nik
Iyawn as I sit in the park with my sketch pad in my lap. I didn’t sleep at all when I got home. Despite the fact that I knew he was sitting in jail, I couldn’t stop myself from checking my phone.
I knew I’d made a mistake the second my eyes met Shane’s as I was climbing out of Tristan’s truck. In the moment, I thought it was going to make me feel better. It didn’t. If anything, I feel much, much worse.
It was stupid. A part of me was holding out hope Shane would wake up one morning and change his mind, but after what I did, I’m pretty sure I’ve eliminated any chance of that.
What the hell is wrong with you, Nik?
Tossing down the sketchbook beside me, I run my hands over my face.
Drawing used to quiet my mind, and this used to feel like my safe place, but I don’t think either work anymore.
But I keep showing up anyway. I guess I’m just going through the motions.
That’s all I have anymore. The pattern repeats day after day, and new lines appear on my arms like tally marks counting the nights that pass without him.
Nights where I’m back to feeling nothing but alone.
A loud rumble pulls me from my thoughts, and I turn to find Shane pulling up on his bike.
He parks along the curb and hops off. As he walks toward me, I can’t help but notice how tired he looks. “We need to talk.”
I roll my eyes, turning back around and giving him my back. “Not this shit again.”
My feet want to go to him, my hands want to touch him, but I don’t move. I don’t know why he’s here, but I’d imagine he’s probably still pissed over the Tristan thing.
I would be if I’d just spent the entire night in jail.
He lets out an exasperated breath as he rounds the bench to stand beside me. “Nik. I’m sorry.”
That gets my attention, and I lift my head to look at him with pinched brows.
“God, this is so fucked.” He runs a hand over his face, but I don’t say a word because honestly, I’m not sure I have any idea where this is going.
“I still stand by what I said. I’m a bad bet, and you deserve so much better. But I think we’re way past that now, and I really fucking miss you.”
I can’t move. Can’t speak. I just sit there with my mouth open and no breath in my lungs.
He plops down next to me before grabbing my face. “I can’t promise I won’t fuck this up, or that we won’t both end up hurt in the end anyway. I’m really fucking terrible with people, and I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’ve never felt like this about anyone.”
Part of me feels like I’m drowning in his whiskey irises, and I think it’s exactly where I want to be.
“So, I’ll probably say the wrong shit, but I wanna try.”
My mind races, making it impossible to say anything.
“I don’t really deserve your forgiveness, but I fucking hate this shit.” He laughs. “I hate it so much. I just want my best friend back.”
My lips threaten to spread into a smile. I swallow and pull my face from his grip. “Are you… asking me out?”
He groans, narrowing his eyes.
I grin. “Like asking me to be your girlfriend?”
“Nikki…” he warns.
“My god! It’s all happening so fast.” I dramatically lift a hand to my forehead.
“Shut up! I swear to God, I’ll push you into traffic.” He yanks me onto his lap.
“I don’t think you will.”
He quirks a brow.
“You like me too much.”
Bringing his mouth to mine, he kisses me softly as if that’s his response.
When he pulls back and our eyes meet, I ask, “You’re not worried what everyone will say about you dating the town slut?”
He scoffs, closing his eyes and shaking his head. “No. But I really need people to stop saying that because jail fucking blows.”
I giggle. “You gonna beat up anyone who talks shit about me?”
“Yeah.” He says it like duh.
He pulls me into a kiss again, this time his hand running up my bare thigh. His tongue dances with mine, softer than I’m used to with him, making me feel like my insides are melting.
He pulls back and runs his hands over my arms that are loosely around his neck, stopping abruptly when his finger brushes the inside of my wrist.
I shake my head.
“Nikki—”
“I’m fine. Can we talk about it later? I’ve really missed you.”
He hesitates for a moment before nodding and letting it go.
Everything between us falls back into the easy rhythm from before the Tristan shit—he comes for Sunday dinner, we have our lunch dates at the park, and I stay with him pretty much every night.
When a month passes, I’ve gotten pretty used to his bed, making it a difficult adjustment to sleep in my own when he goes out of town for a club thing.
I stare blankly at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep, but I can’t. It’s kind of pathetic, honestly. He probably isn’t even thinking about me at all. Hell, he’s probably relieved to be away from me for a little while. He never says anything, but it’s not like I’m easy to deal with.
Or… maybe he’s fucking someone else right now. I’ve heard stories about those club meetings. It wouldn’t be the first time a guy cheated while he was gone.
Shit.
Why hadn’t I thought of that before?
We should have talked about that.
If he cheats on me, it’s over.
Maybe some girls are fine with pretending not to know, but I’m not.
I groan, rolling onto my side and pulling out my phone. I’ll just text him. Maybe if he sees my name on his phone, he’ll feel too guilty to do anything.
After typing and deleting my message three times, I toss my phone down and roll to my other side. I’m not that girl. He’s a big boy, and it’s not my job to check in with him.
I’m still holding my phone in my hand, trying to talk myself out of sending just one text when it vibrates in my grip.
Shane
If you have trouble sleeping in your bed, you can always sleep in mine.
Me
Are you back?
Shane
No, but I left a key under the mat for you.
I smile to myself
He was thinking about me too.
That was really freaking sweet.
I throw on sweats before sprinting out of my room, then out of the house. My mom’s working so I don’t even have to explain myself to anyone before heading straight to his place.
I can’t explain it, but even without anyone else there, I’ll feel safer the moment I walk through his front door.
His scent on the sheets makes me feel like I’m home.
Me
That was very thoughtful.
Who are you and what have you done with Shane?
Shane
Very funny.
I just didn’t want you to be up all night missing me.
Me
Omg. Get a fucking grip on your ego, dude.
You’ve been gone for a few hours.
I’ve barely noticed your absence.
Shane
Oh, really?
Is that why you’re heading to my place already?
Me
Who said I was? Maybe I’m staying home.
Shane
You’re not.
Me
I might be.
Shane
Yeah. Except you’re not.
And you can say what you want, but I know you miss me.
Because I already miss you.
I put my phone in the passenger seat of my car and drive to the club.
When I finally get into his apartment, I throw my stuff down and make my way to his room. The scent immediately puts me at ease. Stripping off my clothes, I pull out one of his T-shirts.
Once I’m in my favorite pajamas, I curl up in his sheets and pull my phone back out.
Me
You’re so fucking needy.
Shane
Ha.
Don’t tell anyone, but I think you might be right.
Me
I know I’m right.
And I’m telling everyone.
Shane
They wouldn’t believe you anyway.
Are you in my bed?
Me
Maybe
Shane
I know I offered, but the idea of you in my bed without me might kill me
Me
Imagine how you’d feel if you knew what. I was going to do all by myself in your bed.
Thirty seconds after sending the last message he’s calling. I let it ring, smiling to myself and watching his name on the screen until it goes to voicemail. The second time I hit ignore. Then, my phone buzzes with a text.
Shane
Nik, answer your phone.
Don’t fuck with me.
I’m not fucking kidding
He calls half a dozen times, but I put my phone face down on the dresser, roll onto my side, and pull the blanket over myself.
I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep when I’m startled awake by the bed dipping. I shoot straight up with an audible gasp.
Crack.
My forehead slams into something hard.
“Fuck, Nik. Goddamn!” Shane shouts.
My hands fly up to his face.
“Shane? What the hell are you doing here?”
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you being here without me. I finished up what we were doing and hightailed it the fuck out of there. Jesus,” he says, holding his bleeding nose.
“I’m so sorry,” I say, but I can’t stop giggling. I literally headbutted the shit out of him. I climb out of bed and race toward the kitchen.
“You sound real sorry,” he says, but I can hear his smile.
I run to the freezer, pull out an ice pack, wrap it in a towel, and bring it back to his room, closing the door behind me.
“I really am sorry,” I say, placing the ice on his face and wiping away the blood with the end of the towel.
“It’s fine. I’ve had worse.”
His words make the smile fall from my face. He doesn’t talk about his past much. Sometimes I feel like an asshole because he’s so supportive of my issues, but what do I do to help him?
“I’m sorry,” I say, leaning down and kissing his cheek.
“It’s fine, really.”
He drops the ice pack to the floor and wipes his face with the towel.
“Is it still bleeding?”
I shake my head. “You’re good.”
His eyes meet mine and his lips part. I bite the inside of my cheek and try to hide the smile that spreads across my face.
“You missed me, huh?”
He turns on the bed to face me and wraps a tattooed arm around my middle, pulling me into him. “Yeah, something like that.”
I hadn’t noticed it before but he has a clear dressing on the inside of his forearm. Pulling his arm away from my body, I look down at the fresh tattoo, and my mouth pops open.
“What—”
“I got it earlier when I was out with the guys.”
Even with the ink just starting to pool under the dressing, the Praying Mantis is clearly visible.
“Wait—is it headless?”
He chuckles against my back. “That’s the thing, right? Females tear off the male’s heads? You can have my head. You can have whatever you want.”
It’s so silly, but fuck, it’s also really freaking sweet.
“I figured you’d have found some other girl to occupy your time while you were there.”
He pulls back to pin me with a dirty look. “Why the fuck would you assume that?”
“Isn’t that what you guys do while you’re out of town?”
“Some might, but I wouldn’t be with you if I wanted someone else.”
I don’t know what to say to that.
“I don’t know what’s going on in that pretty head of yours, Nikki, but I will never do that. Not to you.”
We stare at each other for a moment before a lazy smile appears on his face, and he bites his lower lip. I run my fingers into his messy hair, staring up at his perfect face. I’m almost drunk from looking at him when I’m snapped out of it by a pop on my ass. I jump.
“What the fuck! What was that for?”
His eyebrows shoot up, and he looks at me as if to say really? “You think you can send me a text like that and then just ignore me? I couldn’t get home fast enough,” he says, glaring at me.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lie, pulling my hands from his hair and crossing them over my chest.
“Yeah, you know exactly what you were doing, and now you’re gonna find out what happens when you don’t answer my calls,” he says, climbing off the bed and standing at the end.
I squeal, trying to crawl backward up the bed, but he grabs my ankle and yanks me toward him before letting go. He leans over me with his hands resting on either side of my head.
His glare breaks for just a moment as he says, “I really did miss you last night,” with a grin.
“So needy,” I whisper.
When his mouth collides with mine, his tongue darts out and he presses into me as I moan into his mouth.
“Hmm, it sounds like you missed me, too.”
“Nope,” I say, rolling my hips.
“You’re such a fucking liar,” he bites before tearing his T-shirt up over my head and throwing it to the floor.
Then his mouth is back on mine.