39. Nik
Nik
June
“Nik! Thank God! I’m drowning here!” Kara shouts, pouring drinks and passing them across the bar. She runs a hand through her dark shag haircut.
Patchwork tattoos scatter her bare arms.
She’s so fucking cool. It’s unfair really because she’s just always been like that. From her relaxed, tomboyish style to her eclectic taste in music, I’ve always looked up to her.
I was supposed to be off today, but I got an SOS text saying they had a call-in. Honestly, I don’t mind. I’d rather be here than in my empty apartment.
Shane’s been gone a month, and it’s killing me. He’s not even allowed to have his phone yet. Not until tomorrow. I’ve been pacing all day, so maybe this’ll keep my mind off it. Maybe I’ll be so tired tonight that I’ll finally be able to sleep.
I didn’t sleep great before him, and now I don’t sleep at all.
I’m fucking exhausted.
The only good part about him being in rehab, aside from the fact that he’s finally getting better, is that at least I know where he is. There have been nights over the last several years when I didn’t know if he’d be coming home or if I’d get a call that he was dead. At least I know he’s okay.
But I’m not even close to okay.
What does that say about me that I can’t even go a month without him? A therapist would probably tell me it’s unhealthy, and I’m codependent. To which I’d tell her to fuck right off.
“Anything for you, babe!” I wink, moving behind the bar.
I make drinks and greet customers all with a pretend smile plastered in place.
Like a robot, doing my job with my brain turned off.
The bar’s the perfect place for that. Especially on a busy night like tonight.
It takes effort just to hear the orders, leaving the noise in my head drowning in the distant background.
This is what I have to do.
Just get through today.
He’s not going to be gone that long and then everything will be fine.
It’ll all be better when he comes home.
Kara bumps my shoulder a few times, and I’ve caught her studying me during the very few dull moments, so I’m not at all surprised when the final customer leaves and she says, “How are you feeling?”
I shrug. “Fine.”
“Try again, Nikki.”
“I’m fine, I swear.”
“When do you get to talk to him?”
“Tomorrow.”
She stops cleaning to rest a hip on the bar, throwing a towel over her shoulder.
“I’m gonna say this, and then I’ll let it go.
You’ve got to take care of yourself. I know you love him.
Hell, I love Shane too, but you’ve got to start putting you first. He’s sucked you dry.
You’ve done all you can. You stood by him and helped get him the help he needed. Now, you’ve got to help you.”
I set the glass I was drying on the counter. “I know. It’s gonna be better.”
“Is it?” She crosses her arms over her chest. “He might be better when he comes home, but you’re gonna have to do the work too. Fixing him isn’t going to fix you.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“Did you get that appointment rescheduled?”
Katie told her about the appointment she forced on me. I couldn’t make it to the original one because Shane was in the hospital, but I’ve yet to reschedule it. When Katie being up my ass about it didn’t work, I guess she figured an extra mouth to bitch at me wouldn’t hurt.
When I don’t answer she says, “Start there.”
I know they all mean well, but I just don’t really see where that’s going to help. At this point, I just need to get Shane clean, and then things will turn around for us. I’ll be fine once this is all over.
We finish closing up, and I head home. As I walk in the door, I throw my shit on the entry table and waltz across the living room, letting my fingers run along the back of the black leather couch.
I always teased him that it was mine because he had the apartment above the shop technically, but it doesn’t feel right without him.
I don’t want it without him.
I head to the kitchen and pull a bowl from the cabinet. After pouring in cereal and milk, I stand at the counter and eat as I stare out the window.
My phone rings, startling me.
I put down the bowl and race to my purse to get it before answering without looking at the screen. “Hello?”
“Hey, Nikki baby.” The deep rumble of his voice sends a warm rush through my chest.
“Shane? Oh my god!” I think my feet might leave the ground as I squeal. “When did they give you your phone back?”
Heading back to the kitchen, I bring the phone closer to my mouth as if that’s going to help this need I feel to be closer to him.
“Just a few minutes ago.” I can hear him smile through the phone. “My therapist pulled some strings to give it to me a day early, since I was so cooperative today, apparently.”
“You’re lying!” I shout, climbing onto the kitchen counter.
He chuckles. “You don’t believe that she’d call me cooperative?”
“No. I don’t believe you’d cooperate.” Pressing my fingers into my lips, I’m practically vibrating. “It’s so good to hear your voice. God, I miss you so much. How are you?”
“I’m good. I’m really, really good.” And he sounds good. He sounds so good.
My eyes burn. “Really?”
“Yeah. Turns out they know what they’re doing here. Don’t tell my therapist, Kristy, that though. She’s a pain in the ass.”
I laugh, holding back the tears. “I’m so proud of you.”
“How are you? Are you hanging in there?”
“Yeah. I’ve been visiting Ash and working… a lot. Just normal shit.”
I have been doing those things, but I fail to tell him that I feel like I’m drowning without him.
That I can’t bring myself to sleep in our bed, so I’ve just been lying on the couch every night.
That I keep finding myself standing in front of his closet, running my fingers over his clothes.
That I feel like my whole entire life’s been swept out to sea, and I’m standing on the shore watching it go.
I don’t want him to feel bad for taking care of himself.
“I miss you.”
“I miss you too.” More than you know.
“How’s the club? Have you talked to the boys?”
“Yeah, they’re good. Gabe calls every day. I keep telling him I’m fine and to leave me alone, but he still calls.”
He laughs. “That doesn’t surprise me in the least.”
I go quiet, not knowing what else to say, not wanting to say something that leads to this call ending.
Then, he says, “You’re gonna be okay.”
I huff a laugh before trying and failing to sound convincing when I mutter, “I’m fine.”
“I know. I’m just saying, you’re gonna be okay until I get home. I’m sure you’re sleeping just fine, but if not, just know when I get back, I’m gonna throw my arms around you, and we aren’t going to leave our bed for a week.”
A tear streaks down my face.
He finishes by saying, “But I know you’re fine.”
When I finally find the voice to speak, it comes out barely a whisper. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” His breaths fall over the line. “If I didn’t have a roommate, I’d walk you through exactly what we’re going to do in that bed, and make you act it out like I’m there, but I might give this old guy a heart attack.”
My tears retreat, and a laugh bursts from my lips. “He might like it.”
“Yeah, but it’d feel really strange rubbing one out with you while I’m a few feet from the guy.”
“Can he not hear you right now?” I squeal.
“Nah. He’s in the shower. That might be even worse! Can you imagine him walking in on it!”
“You’re not right!”
His laughter fades, and he sighs. “I really don’t want to hang up, but I’ll feel like shit if I keep you up all night.”
“Will you be able to call tomorrow?”
“I’ll call every single time I can, I swear.”
I grin. “Okay. I love you.”
“I love you. Goodnight, Nikki.”