48. Shane
Shane
March
“How am I ever supposed to fucking know!”
Here we go again.
I thought getting sober was going to be the hard part, but it turns out paying for my poor choices is harder. I get why she has a hard time forgiving me. Hell, I’m not sure she should at all, but this fighting is wearing me out.
“Because I’m telling you the truth!”
“Yeah, well I thought you were telling me the truth before, and you weren’t. Now I’m supposed to just trust you?”
“I don’t know. I don’t fucking know what we’re supposed to do! I just know I love you, and I’m so tired of fighting!”
At first after the wedding, things seemed better, but it didn’t last long.
Then she dropped the bomb about not wanting kids, which I still don’t know that I’ve totally processed all of that.
And now, we have the fucking Instagram picture.
I hate myself for what I’ve put her through, but it’s starting to feel like my past is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
Maybe that’s not fair. I know she’s going to need time to get through everything, and I’ll give her as much time as she needs, I’m just praying we’re getting close to the other side of things.
“Fine! Don’t fight with me then!” she shouts, stomping to our room and slamming the door behind her.
I’m not sure if I should follow her and try to talk it out, or just leave her be. There’s not anything I can say at this point that I haven’t said a hundred times already. With a long exhale, I shoot her a text, saying I love you. Can we talk after work?
Then, I put on my shoes and head out the door.
I know I deserve her anger. I spent almost eight years putting her through hell, but damn, it seems like this is never going to end.
She’s obviously working through some shit, but I don’t know what to do to help her.
Kristy says Nik should probably be in therapy too.
She says everything she’s been through with me can be really traumatic, and it can take years to fully process.
She’s supportive of me going but refuses to even try it. My hands feel tied. I just want to be there for her the way she was there for me, but everything I do seems to make things worse.
She seems to be getting worse instead of better. I even suggested she go to one of those meetings for partners of addicts, but she won’t do that either. It feels like she’s just stuck. I’d do anything to pull her out of it, I just don’t know how.
She’s also losing weight. I don’t think she eats most days, and she’s distant. She’s not even talking to Ash. She’s just slowly isolating herself from everyone.
Kara even called me because she couldn’t get Nik to pick up the phone.
The only person she’ll talk to at all is Katie, which I guess it’s good she’s doing that much. Although, I think the only person holding a grudge against me more than Nikki, is Katie.
When I get to the shop, Gabe’s already started for the day.
“How’re things with Ash?” I ask, plopping down on a stool near Gabe’s workstation.
He seems happier now that he’s just running the shop.
“Well, I’m not completely moved in yet. I’ve been staying there every night, but I still need to get all of my shit from upstairs. It’s good, though. I think Maggie’s happy to be here.”
“She’s resilient. You could probably move that kid to Mars and she’d thrive.”
He smiles, and it’s obvious he’s completely in love with my sister and their kid.
“How’s Nik?” he asks.
“Okay, I think. She’s having a harder time with everything than I expected, but she’ll be okay.”
“Yeah, I wondered. I was in the bar the other day and she seemed off.”
“I don’t know, man. I thought going to rehab would make everything better, but she seems to be struggling more than she ever did when I was high. I don’t fucking get it.”
“Give it time. I mean this with only love, but you really put her through hell. I think it makes sense that she’d have a lot to work through. She’ll come around. She loves you. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t still be here.”
“I know. I’m just worried.”
“I get that, but if anyone could get through it, it’d be Nik.”
“Yeah. I know. Anyway, where’s JT? He’s been off a lot lately.”
“Probably in Raleigh. He’s up your sister’s ass these days.”
“It’s not serious. She doesn’t date.”
“I don’t know, man.” He lifts his brows. “I’ve seen them. They seem pretty together.”
I shrug. What Jess does is her business. I really couldn’t care less.
He sighs, making a face like he’s bracing himself. “Listen, I need to tell you something, but you can’t flip out, and you cannot tell your sister. I have it under control.”
“Okay…?”
“I don’t know if it’s true, but there’s a rumor that the Iron Angels are moving again.”
“Okay? Are you supposed to be out of this shit?”
“Yeah. I am. Dean just wanted me to have a heads up.”
They never replaced Tony after I took him out. At first, I thought maybe they were laying low to catch us off guard, but when they never popped up again, we just assumed they were done.
He sits up from under the truck he’s working on. “That’s not all.” He swallows hard. “Rumor is your dad’s with them.”
My heart drops and my ears start ringing. “What?”
“Dean’s handling it, but I told him, I’d talk to you.”
“The fuck he is. I’ll handle it.”
I’m about to march right into Dean’s office and tell him as much when Gabe stands and puts a hand on my shoulder.
“No. Neither of us are doing anything. We don’t need another fucking war. Your sister just came back, and this time she has my kid. Let Dean decide what to do from here. You have to promise that you won’t do anything stupid. I have Ash and Maggie to worry about.”
Gritting my teeth, I stare at where his hand rests. I don’t like it. Not at all, but I can’t help but think he’s right. We need to be careful. My dad’s a loose cannon, and Ash and Maggie are too close.
“Fuck!” I bite my lip and lift my face to the ceiling, trying to calm my rage. “Alright. Are you gonna tell Ash?”
“Yeah. Eventually.”
“Do it soon. She needs to be aware that he’s around.”
Nik was supposed to work the early shift tonight at the bar and should have been home hours ago. Not to mention, she never responded to my text earlier.
“Hello,” I say, answering my phone.
“Hey, uh—” Theo stumbles over his words before continuing, “You might want to get down here. Your wife’s here, and she’s fucking shit-faced.”
“What? Where?”
“The clubhouse.”
“Why is she there?” I ask, grabbing my keys and heading for the door.
“Fuck if I know, but she’s trashed.”
“Alright. Keep an eye on her. I’ll be right there.”
When I pull up to the clubhouse, it’s packed.
It’s a Friday night, so I knew it would be.
A couple guys shout my name as I barrel through the front door, but I don’t answer them.
I’m on a mission to find my wife, who—I locate at the back of the club dancing by herself.
Well, trying to dance. She’s more or less stumbling around.
“Nikki,” I shout over the music, grabbing her arm.
“Shane!”
I catch her as she throws herself at me.
“Baby, what are you doing?”
“Drinking?” Her lip curls and her brows pinch like it’s a stupid question.
“Okay, but why? I was at home waiting for you.”
“So? I wanted a drink. I was coming home eventually.”
“What? You didn’t think to text or call? I would have come with you.”
“You never did,” she says, voice full of venom.
Ouch.
“That’s not fair.”
“Is it not? Why should I have to tell you my every move when you never did.” She flips her hair and tries to turn her back to me.
Stepping toward her, I grab her arm. “I know, but I was wrong. This is wrong. What are you doing?”
“Whatever I want,” she says, ripping out of my grip.
“Nik!” I shout, my voice a little more stern this time. “Let’s go. We can talk about it in the morning, but let’s just go home.”
“No. I want to stay. You go home,” she slurs, poking me in the chest.
“I’m not leaving without you. You’re fucking wasted.”
She shrugs.
This woman might be the fucking death of me. It feels like I can’t fucking win. I exhale and run a hand over my face.
“If you want to drown your problems, go for it, but I’ll be right here to drag your ass home when you’re done.”
“Great,” she bites, glaring at me.
When I don’t break eye contact right away, she scoffs, spins on her heel, and prances away.
“You good?” Theo asks, coming up behind me.
“Yeah. Thanks for calling.”
He nods, bringing his beer to his lips. Just before taking a sip, he mutters, “Oh shit.”
Oh shit, indeed. My wife is lying on the bar while the bartender pours clear liquor directly into her mouth.
I’m going to murder that motherfucker at some point.
She sits up, throwing her hands in the air and giggling. I start to move to the bar but Theo stops me with a hand on my chest. “I’ll make sure they cut her off. You go deal with the Mantis.”
She hops down before flitting across the room to join Lily back on the dance floor, and I find myself a place in the corner to sit and watch as my wife burns out.
She’s decided she’s getting trashed tonight, so that’s exactly what she’s doing. I don’t know what the hell to do. She’s obviously not in the mood to listen to me so after an hour I decide to call in reinforcements.
“Hello,” my sister answers, sounding like I woke her up.
“Hey, sorry. Nik’s lost it. She’s at the clubhouse drinking alone, and she’s pissed at me for some reason. Can you come down here? I know it’s late, but she won’t listen to anything I say.”
“Yeah. I’ll be right there.”