Emery #3
I attempted it again, the outside of my hand fully brushing his.
I made certain that it was obvious this time.
He had to have felt something. I wasn’t sure what I expected him to do, but I felt a tad rejected when he glanced down at our hands and then took a step to the right as he mumbled a soft, “Sorry.”
In my effort to be subtle, I may have erred on the side of way too subtle. I should have just grabbed his hand and made it clear that this was what I wanted to do. Now, everything felt awkward. I was the idiot who couldn’t be bold if her life depended on it.
We stood in silence as we waited for the elevator doors to open.
Anxiety coursed through my body with every beat of my heart.
My head was screaming at my mouth to say something while my heart was telling my head that I wasn’t ready for this much physical contact.
The last guy I’d touched was Carson, and I was already starting to forget so much about him.
The last thing I wanted to do was overwrite that memory with a new one.
“It’s going to be okay.” Noah’s voice was as smooth as molasses.
I glanced up at him to find him staring down at me with a soft smile. He must have felt my nervous energy and assumed it was because of the meeting with Charles. If he only knew.
I wanted to thank him for his concern, but as I parted my lips, “I think we should hold hands,” tumbled out instead.
I pinched my lips shut and my eyes widened as the realization of what I’d just said washed over me. I should not be allowed to speak. Regret filled my chest. I’d gone too far. Why couldn’t I just be normal?
Noah frowned. “What?”
Crap, I’d overstepped. How could I walk this back? Was there a way?
“Sorry,” I blurted out. Then I started to shake my head.
“I didn’t mean to say that. I just…” My breath came in short bursts.
My head felt dizzy, so I started backing away from Noah.
My request wasn’t normal but neither was my reaction.
I was having an out-of-body experience, and I couldn’t pull myself together enough to calm down.
“Emery.” Noah’s voice was calm, and I watched as if in slow motion as he reached.
The warmth of his hand on my skin mixed with the pressure from his fingers helped ground me. I wanted to keep moving back, but I was frozen to the spot by his touch.
He dipped his head down so his gaze was level with mine. “Do you need me to hold your hand?” His voice was hesitant, like he wasn’t sure if he’d heard me right and asking for clarification might spook me.
I wanted to laugh off my demand like it had been a joke. I wanted to pretend that he’d misheard me and what I’d really said was, “I think we should join a band,” but doing that wouldn’t solve my problem. I needed the board to believe that we were in love if I was going to keep my position.
I was going to focus on one little word—need.
Asking me if I needed him to hold my hand was a lot different from asking me if I wanted him to.
Want was a path I wasn’t prepared to walk down.
Need, well, I did need the board to believe in this marriage.
And I needed the person faking said marriage to be Noah.
I also needed to be okay with intimacy, both physical and emotional, or I was never going to fulfill Carson’s wish that I truly fall in love again.
Need saved me from myself.
“Yes,” I whispered, accentuating the word with a fervent nod.
Noah’s expression stilled as he studied me. It was like he hadn’t expected me to confirm it. Fear that I’d gone too far filled my chest until he started to slide his fingers ever so softly down my forearm. His featherlight touch grazed my palm before he slipped his fingers between mine.
His gaze could have bored a hole through me. It was so intense, like he was asking me at every point if what he was doing was okay. I refused to look up at him. I feared if I did, I was going to pull my hand back and sprint away.
But then, he tightened his grip. Warmth exploded up my arm as my hand fell into his like two puzzle pieces clicking together. It was almost like…it belonged there.
I pushed that thought from my mind. This was not the time to think that—or anything, really. This was my job right now. Fulfilling this ridiculous stipulation was my only focus.
Of course, I was going to react to his touch. Noah was still a man, and I was still a woman. I was going to feel things as this arrangement progressed. And I needed to welcome those feelings.
It had been years since I’d been touched by a man. I was going to have to learn how to accept those sensations.
Gratitude settled in my body as Noah led me onto the elevator as soon as the doors slid open.
I was grateful that I was going through this with him.
He was helping me kill two birds with one stone.
I was on my way to convincing the board as well as forcing myself to face my fear of affection. I might even welcome it one day.
I had a small sliver of hope that at the end of all of this, I might actually be able to accomplish the one rule that Noah insisted I write down:
Emery is free to date.