Chapter One
Aislin
Ollie can’t stop pacing the living room.
I understand what he’s feeling, why he’s so stressed. It’s not easy being in love with someone from the mafia—hugging them goodbye and knowing they’re going to do something that could get them sent to prison for the rest of their lives…or even worse, could get them killed.
While I can empathize with that, it’s all I’ve ever known.
Not that I’m in love with someone in the mafia, but I was raised in it.
My dad used to be the leader of the O’Shea family, and now that he’s dead, my uncle Rian and my brother, Tiernan, are.
But Ollie is just getting used to this, just adjusting to watching his boyfriend, my cousin, Cillian, leave and knowing the danger he’s in.
“They’ll be okay,” I tell him.
“You don’t know that. There’s never a guarantee.”
“Exactly. Never. Any of us could walk out that door and get into a car wreck or, hell, get struck by lightning and not come home.” I stand up and walk over to him.
“The most important thing is to always have hope and to tell ourselves they’ll be okay.
Cillian loves you more than anything in this world.
Nothing will stop him from coming home to you. ”
I believe that. Nothing will keep him from Ollie…but I do hate that my friend has to deal with this. That, because of whom he fell in love with, he’ll be in more danger than the average person—as will his partner—and he’ll have even more worries that the person he loves one day won’t return.
“Thanks, Ash,” Ollie says into my neck, squeezing me with everything he has in him.
It’s been a wild day…two days? I can’t even keep up. When Rory and Shai, two other members of our family, came home letting us know that Shai’s mom had been kidnapped, I knew shit was about to get serious real quick.
Rory isn’t the type to handle a situation like this well. He’d want to fix this for Shai, thinking that’s the best way to prove his love, even if he went in guns blazing, without a plan, and risked getting himself killed even more than he would otherwise.
But Shai hadn’t let him do that, which I think is something we all needed to see him do.
He’d brought Rory home, and we’d come up with a plan.
Cillian had even called Rian in to help.
I’m not sure if Shai knows what that means, if he understands that Cillian calling his dad was him showing his love for Shai, his acceptance of Shai into Rory’s life, yes, but also his own.
Cillian and Rory have always had a special relationship, and they always will. Shai is so lucky to have them both by his side, and equally, the man in my arms right now—Ollie, who keeps them grounded in the sweetness the world has to offer.
“We should distract ourselves,” Ollie says, before the two of us head to the couch together, sitting close, needing the comfort of each other as we wait for those we love.
I rest my head on his shoulder and admit, “I was supposed to go on a date with Zuri tonight.”
While Zuri is the first girl I’ve ever been into, it didn’t come as a surprise to me to realize I’m bisexual.
I’ve always felt that I’m a bit fluid and have been interested in being with a girl for a while.
But it wasn’t until I saw her—so fucking beautiful, the confident glint in her eyes that are also filled with so much kindness—that something had just clicked.
This soft voice in my head said, “Her—she’s the one for you. ”
Which I realize is ridiculous. How could I take one look at her in class and know she’s the one for me?
But I knew she was someone special, that I wanted to get to know her.
We started as friends, and the relationship part has been slower to happen—just hanging out at first, then cuddling, kissing, dating, both of us more willing to show where we want this relationship to go—but I think that makes it more special. It’s what felt right for us.
“Oh no. I’m sorry.” Ollie takes my hand.
“We rescheduled for tomorrow, but I doubt I’ll be able to make that one either.” That will depend on how things go with everyone tonight.
“What did you tell her?” he asks.
“That I had a family emergency. Last time I had to cancel, I said I was sick, and when she offered to come over and take care of me, I told her I was going to Boston to stay with my mom.” I had been in Boston, but I hadn’t been sick.
Family business happens a lot, and when one of us needs the others, we’re always there. “I hate lying to her.”
“She has to know who your family is…” Ollie ventures, and he’s right. She does. She’s not an idiot. One quick Google search could clear all that up, but that doesn’t mean I’m supposed to talk to her about it…it doesn’t mean I want to.
It’s hard to be both ashamed of something and also know that it’s embedded in who you are. Because even though I’m not in the lifestyle the same way the others are, I am in it, and I always will be. And while I’ve never killed anyone, I have hurt people. I’ve seen people killed.
I’ve wanted them to die.
“She deserves better,” I say. Zuri is strong and good. She’s premed. She wants to help people while we kill them and sell them drugs.
“She deserves to make her own decision.” Ollie turns sideways on the couch to look at me.
“Which is exactly what you would have told Cillian about me if he’d tried to walk away.
I’m sure you’ve said something similar to Tiernan about Dean or to Rory about Shai.
You’re always there for all of us. You deserve happiness and your own life, too. ”
He’s right, I do, but knowing it and following through with it aren’t the same thing. It’s not that easy to give in to love when loving someone means you can get them killed. I hadn’t fully understood that before because I hadn’t been in love with someone who wasn’t in the lifestyle.
But I get it now.
*
It’s late when Cillian calls Ollie, telling us to head to Boston to meet at my mom’s house.
Conan, my mom’s best friend and the man who has loved Tiernan and me more than our father ever did, has been shot.
Shai’s mom, Kat, was also shot.
We have no idea if the cops will be involved or how that will be dealt with, but I know it will be. It always is.
Ollie is a mess, so I’m the one who drives us there.
I’ve always been good at keeping it together, at doing what needs to be done, regardless of the situation.
I learned that from my mom. I know people think my father killed the sunshine in her, and maybe in some ways he did, but I know better.
She did what she had to do to survive, and I always will, too.
Growing up as the daughter of Sloan O’Shea and spending all my time with Tiernan, Cillian, and Rory, I’ve always had to be strong.
I never wanted to be left behind, didn’t want to be the weak link.
I always had to prove myself more than the boys did, be stronger than the boys were, and try harder than the boys needed to just to be taken seriously.
When my father was alive, he treated me like I couldn’t take care of myself, and I never want anyone to treat me that way again.
That’s something my mom can understand, too. Being a woman in this organization is the same for her.
We make it there after the crew, and it’s chaos. The doctor we pay to take care of us is already there, busy with both Conan and Kat.
Ollie immediately goes to Cillian, who wraps him in his arms, holding Ollie close while whispering in his ear.
Tiernan is with Dean.
Rory and Shai have disappeared.
My mom is sitting by Conan’s bed, who pretends he doesn’t need her there, but really, he’s in love with her and always has been. Mom knows that, but she doesn’t feel the same.
Apparently, it had been a bloodbath—a shootout at an old house in the middle of nowhere, and there are a lot of dead bodies to handle.
Some of the guys are making plans on how to deal with the aftermath of this.
Some are already there taking care of it.
Everyone has a job…a person, something…other than me.
I slip away into my room upstairs and climb into bed. I’m fully clothed, shoes and everything, but right now, I can’t find it in me to care.
I pull out my phone, look at the messages I sent Zuri about my family emergency, because I didn’t even call her to cancel our date, and wish she were here with me, wish I could call her and tell her everything that happened tonight.
This is the first time I’ve realized how much I want my person, too.