Chapter 17 - Cat
Cat
I can’t bear to look at her when I say those words.
The thought of seeing pity in those blue eyes is enough to make me shudder.
Even though I know it is normal. The empathy, the regret—they are logical responses to hearing about trauma like this.
Especially when it involves a kid. But I can’t… I just can’t.
When my stomach clenches, I wrap my arms around myself and fold forward.
Everything feels so cold, so far away. And why won’t my hands stop shaking?
Shit, I’m fucking crashing. I squeeze my eyes shut and make myself even smaller, rocking my body slightly.
If a hole opened up right now, I’d let it swallow me. It’s too much. It feels like…
“Hey?”
Mary’s soft voice breaks through the haze, carefully pulling me back. I freeze, and everything inside of me goes quiet.
“I’m going to come closer, okay?”
When I don’t say anything, she slowly slides toward me.
The cushion dips slightly with the added weight.
She is close enough for me to feel the warmth of her body, but she doesn’t touch me.
Instead, she places her hand next to mine and keeps her eyes on them.
She isn’t trying to ‘read me.’ She isn’t trying to fix it. No. Mary is trying to reach me.
My bottom lip trembles slightly, maybe from the cold, maybe from how she makes me feel, and my breaths come out ragged, but her presence calms my nerves. I slide my hand closer to hers so that our pinkies brush, and I hear her let out a sigh of relief.
“That’s it,” she murmurs so quietly that I can barely hear it. “Stay with me now.”
The softness in her voice makes me turn my head, and she lifts hers to meet my gaze. There is a gentle smile on her lips, not happy, just comforting. Her eyes dart over my face until she is certain I am present. She closes them for a beat, then she nods, and inhales deeply.
“I am going to ask you to do something, okay?”
She pauses so that I can nod before she continues.
“Okay, good,” she whispers with another nod and then straightens her shoulders. “Can you tell me five things you see in this room?”
The question is so unexpected that I almost snort.
I know this technique. It’s used to calm people who are having a panic att—wait.
Am I? I am. I totally am. The tight ball in my chest unclenches a little now that I am able to name it, but it is not enough.
My jaw rolls as I lift my head higher to glance around the room.
Even though I was only here yesterday, it feels like a whole other planet. Mary’s sanctuary. This is the place where she can be completely herself. And now she is inviting me to be completely myself, too.
I swallow hard as I try to focus on the objects around me while my mind keeps drifting back to the OR. To the blood on my gloves, the messed-up organs, Maisy’s pale body on the gurney.
“Hey, hey, slow down. I’ve got you.”
Mary’s arm slides around me, and she carefully guides me toward her.
Her presence is like a warm, weighted blanket, safe and secure for me to sink into.
I curl my fingers into her shirt and draw a deep breath before resting my head against her chest. She doesn’t speak, doesn’t tell me what to do, but just holds me.
Her chest moves steadily beneath my cheek, and her hand comes up to rub soft circles on my back.
I try to follow her breathing and calm my mind as I peer at the room from my new spot.
“Reading lamp,” I whisper hoarsely, my voice cracking at the edges.
Mary’s hand stills for a beat, and I feel her dip her head to look at me before she continues the soothing motion.
“Good. What else?”
“Too many books.”
She huffs out a soft laugh.
“No such thing. What else?”
I let my gaze roam over her stuff. Every object here has a story to tell, a history with her.
There is so much about her I have yet to discover, to learn, and I want to know it all.
My eyes land on three colorful drops of glass.
They stand on a little round plate with their tails curled into the air, resembling drops of caramel.
My lips part slightly as I let my gaze fall back to her. She is watching me intently, waiting for me to open up.
“Prince Rupert’s drops,” I whisper.
That beautiful, tentative smile spreads across her face, and she nods slightly.
“To remind me that even the strongest objects can shatter when their weakest spot is touched.”
I shiver, and my eyes instantly burn, but she doesn’t recoil. If anything, she leans in more, cupping my jaw with her warm hand, her gaze boring into mine.
“But you know what’s so beautiful about glass, Cat?”
I shake my head weakly as she holds me with her gaze.
“It can be melted and reshaped endlessly. Even when it’s shattered.”
She brushes another strand of hair behind my ear while I stare at her. The words slowly drip in and settle into me as the newfound truth they are. This pain is not weakness. It only means I care deeply. And in my line of work, that might just be my strongest asset.
My breathing settles, and I allow myself to melt back into her.
Mary tightens her hold and adjusts slightly so that we are both comfortable.
She plays with my hair while I count the beats of her heart.
Thump-thump. A soft sigh escapes her. Thump-thump.
Her fingers scratch my scalp. Thump-thump.
She hums softly, the sound reverberating deep inside her chest.
Although we are quiet, the silence isn’t heavy.
There is no pressure for me to talk, no expectation that I explain myself.
She just holds me—and I let her. Only Carmen and my mother have seen me break down like this, and I couldn’t tolerate either of them in those moments.
But with Mary, I don’t feel the need to lash out.
No. I feel the need for more closeness. For that connection that seems to pulse between us, even though neither of us has named it yet.
The thread that keeps pulling me back to her, that made her give me another chance.
A bond that, despite everything that has happened, feels… calm.
“I knew she wouldn’t make it from the moment they brought her in,” I say, my voice like gravel. “But she was so small, so… fragile.”
My eyes flick up to Mary’s face. She is very still.
Her gaze rests on me, and her head is slightly tilted as she listens.
This side of her is so different from her usual bubbly personality, but it feels just as sincere.
I curl my fingers a bit more into the fabric of her shirt to steady myself, and I take a deep breath.
“If we opened her up two minutes earlier, she might have had a chance. Her heart would still have been beating. She… she…”
I choke on the words as tears begin to flood my vision.
“She still would have died.”
My head snaps up at the certainty in her voice. How can she know? She wasn’t even there. How could she say such a thing? But Mary looks at me with such warmth that I am shocked by the contrast. She smiles sadly and runs her thumb over my cheekbone.
“You just told me that you knew it from the moment they brought her in. Still, you refused to give up on this girl because that is who you are. Persistent, driven, talented.”
She pauses for a moment to look at me. My throat feels constricted, and I can barely swallow around the lump caught there. My lips are parted, but I can’t speak, so I just nod. A faint crease appears between her eyebrows before she nods slightly, too.
“But you are not a miracle worker, Cat. And not giving up is something different from blaming yourself for having to let go. One is healthy. The other…”
She huffs softly, and I see her eyes reflect in the light. They are brimming with tears threatening to overflow.
“Well, the other brought you to me. We will sit with that one together.”
My chest aches when she speaks those words. Together. The word comes out with such clarity that there is no denying it. I feel a shudder roll through my body, but her hands are already on me before I can steady myself.
“Together,” I whisper, and she smiles.
“Together,” she says again.
We sit like that for a long time. Long enough for the outside world to slow down into that midnight lull.
Her hand is still tangled in my hair, my arms are wrapped around her waist, and my cheek is plastered against her chest. The heavy feeling that was pressing down has slowly resolved, allowing me to fully relax into the moment. Into her. It is everything.
For the first time in days, my mind is completely still. I feel… safe. All because of her, because of Mary. I hold on to her a little tighter, and a part of me wishes we could stay here, in this moment, forever. This, us, it just feels right. I hum contentedly.
She sighs in reply. It is so quiet that I feel it more than hear it.
When I lift my gaze, she is looking down at me.
Her eyes are soft and warm, and there is something pleased in the look on her face.
My heart races, and my lips part as I draw in a shuddering breath.
Her eyes widen slightly at the sound, and I feel her fingers tremble against me.
“Hi,” she whispers, huffing out a breath.
“Hi,” I whisper back.
My hand moves up of its own accord. My knuckles softly caress her jaw before my fingers come to rest just behind the hinge. My thumb traces her soft lips, and her eyes flutter closed. For one beat, her body tenses.
“Stay here with me,” I murmur as I straighten up.
I can feel her hesitation, and I can’t lose her to it. She is not some sort of escape. This, Mary, it’s so much more. I just want to fold into her, into us. And I can’t have her run away from that. Not now that we have finally found each other. Now that we see each other.
“Can I kiss you?”
My voice comes out low, steady now. Mary opens her eyes at the shift, and she stares at me.
Her pupils are blown. I see recognition flicker there, and something in her eases.
Her breath catches high in her chest, and her lips part with a quiver.
She wraps her fingers around my wrist in an attempt to anchor herself, and the touch feels like fire on my skin.
I press my own fingers against the base of her neck in response, guiding her closer to me.
My gaze drops to her full lips, and my stomach flips.
I take a slow breath before I pull her toward me and lower my lips to hers.
Mary melts into my kiss, humming softly.
Our lips part simultaneously, and our tongues meet as we both hold on a little tighter.
I want her even closer than this. I want to feel her, breathe her in.
Not because I’m running away from something, but because I’m running toward it.
Toward her. And there is no other place I want to be.
She smells like fresh cotton and soap. The scent is intoxicating even after all this time of me leaning against her. It is as if she is everywhere. I break the kiss and press my forehead against hers.
“Maria,” I whisper, and she breathes in shakily in reply. “I want this… I want you.”
Her breath stills as her mouth opens and her eyebrows come together in question.
I instantly know that she wants to see if I am really here with her.
Not just physically, not running from my grief.
But I am not running. I am here despite the fear.
Because she is the only one with whom I can hold both feelings simultaneously.
“Dios,” I exhale, softly brushing my hand over her hair. “I really, really want this.” I want to keep returning to the safety that is her. To her warmth, her arms. To all of her.
Her eyes dart over my face, assessing me, and when she finally breathes, it is in short, rapid bursts. A small whimper falls from her lips, and her eyes close as if she is fighting herself. When she leans back, a sudden cold washes over me, and I shudder in response.
“Are you okay?”
She shakes her head, and I instantly move to sit straighter. Her palm comes up against my sternum, holding me in place, as she opens her eyes again.
“I really, really want this, too.” She pauses and bites her lip before her gaze lifts hesitantly. “Cat, I really want you. But I want all of you, and I want you to want all of me, too. You are vulnerable right now. I don’t…”
She doesn’t finish. Doesn’t have to. I nod, and my lips curl into a soft smile.
“You have all of me, and I want all of you.” I smile again. “That is not tied to this moment, Maria. That is tied to us.”
Her lips part as she looks at me, and I see her gaze soften. Something inside her settles, and it makes me want to cradle her in my arms.
“We can wait,” I whisper as I watch her. “There is no need to rush any—"
Before I can finish, she slides her hands around my neck and presses herself against me, her lips finding mine again.
The urge for connection overrides both of our systems, and my body responds before my brain catches up.
I pull her onto my lap in one swift motion, my hands steadying her at her hips.
She doesn’t break the kiss but deepens it.
All I can do is moan into her mouth and surrender to her completely. She really does have all of me.