Chapter 44 - Cat
Cat
My muscles protest slightly when I shrug out of my coat. I wonder when that started. I used to be able to move all day. Run from surgery to surgery, go to the gym, and end the day dancing until morning light, without feeling a single thing. How things have changed.
I pull on my sneakers, throw on the doctor’s coat, and fish my phone out of my pocket while I make my way to the break room for some coffee.
I am just in the middle of adding a reminder to pick up some magnesium and Vit C when I feel a presence next to me.
All the tension I had shed over the weekend immediately comes rushing back.
My fingers curl around the device, my molars grind into each other, and my shoulders draw up, all before she even speaks.
“Doctor Durand,” Alex purrs, her voice low and husky. “You look like you had a nice weekend.”
“Thank you,” I reply and instantly want to kick myself. Why am I replying?
“Relaxation looks good on you, Catherine. It always has.”
She brushes her finger along mine, the contact brief but effective. There’s a warm tingling sensation where her skin touched mine, and I can’t yank my hand back fast enough. I feel my cheeks flush while Alex smirks. She is clearly pleased with herself.
“I was wondering if I could steal some of your time today?”
“I’m in a relationship, Alex.”
“Mighty presumptuous of you. I merely wanted to discuss a new triage system for children.” She glances at me, her eyes gliding up and down my body. “That should be brought to the Head of Trauma, no?”
I grunt and flare my nostrils, but nod once. Short, clipped, and very irritated.
“Good, let’s say twenty minutes from now? You were always moody before coffee.” She brushes against me again, leaning toward me. “Good to see some things never change,” she whispers in my ear and strides off before I even get a chance to reply.
Dios… what the hell was that? My heart is pounding when I enter the break room, and instead of making a beeline for the coffee pot, I sink down into one of the chairs.
Old, cracked, and very lived in. Its cushion wraps around my thighs, and I let my arms sink into the armrests while staring at a blank space on the wall in front of me. What the actual fuck was that?
“Cat? Is everything okay?”
Celeste’s warm voice cuts through my haze, and I blink up into her ice-blue eyes.
She stands in the doorway, a look of confusion on her face.
When she sees the distress on my face, she takes three powerful strides and sinks into the chair next to me.
She leans forward, her elbows resting on her knees, and places a hand tentatively on my knee. I flinch.
“Hey, what happened?”
She doesn’t pull her hand back but keeps it still while she studies me.
I squeeze my eyes closed. Only a few months ago, I would have shrugged her off.
I would have told her it was none of her business and that private matters didn’t belong in the workplace.
But now the words tumble out of me before I can even think about it.
“Doctor Wu and I used to date in med school. We didn’t end things on the best of terms, and it throws me that she is here. She always had a way of making me feel… inadequate. Everything she does and says makes me question myself and… and…”
“And you don’t know what to do with that.”
“I am the Head of Trauma, Cel. She’s mocking me, and I let her.”
“Do you think she is vindictive?”
“Alex? No. Yes. Maybe? I don’t know.”
“That’s an answer, too.”
I take a moment to think on it. Celeste isn’t wrong, and I shudder.
“Death by a thousand cuts,” I whisper, and Celeste frowns.
“When Alex and I were dating and I disappointed her, she would turn sour and mean. Not obviously, not in a way that people would notice, but she would make small jabs. Sharp enough for me to feel, but subtle enough for others to perceive as her teasing me.”
“Yeah, Cat… that is vindictive.”
She frowns again, and I see the question on her face.
“I don’t even know why I still try to defend her.”
Celeste nods as if that was the answer she was looking for, and she squeezes my knee.
“Conditioning. But you are breaking out of it. What does Mary think?”
My breath hitches, and I feel the heat rise to my cheeks. I cast my eyes down and bite my lip. We are quiet for a little while. Then she straightens and waits until I look back up to meet her gaze.
“Cat,” she says, much calmer than I expected her to be, and I realize that I actually want her to be angry at me. “This is your nervous system being overwhelmed. It is trying to keep you safe. Telling Mary probably feels dangerous. Do you fear you will lose her or hurt her?”
Both have crossed my mind. She would think I’m having an affair, or that I no longer want her. She would think I’d chosen Alex over her, or at least kept the fact that she is here from Mary for dubious reasons. The longer I waited…
“Yes,” I whisper.
“You have to tell her, Cat. All of it. She’ll understand. If you keep it from her now, it will do far more damage. You needed some time to process. Your body responded before your mind could. It happens. But now… now it is time. Show her that you are with her one hundred percent.”
The way she says the words settles something in me. I lift my chin and roll my shoulders back. My lips tug up, and I give her a small nod. Sharp and decisive this time.
“Good.” She smiles, as if that concludes it all, and stands up to grab coffee.
“Good,” I echo, and the knot in my chest starts to come undone.
“Ready for our meeting?”
Alex steps inside without waiting for my answer, and I have to fight the urge to look up at her. The way she so seamlessly takes control of the room is almost admirable if it isn’t so out of place.
Right before she starts to sit down, I raise my hand, and I see her freeze in my peripheral vision.
Good. My fingers fly over the keyboard in a steady, rhythmic flow as I go through the chart I am just signing off on.
The resident made a small error I need to make them aware of, but nothing major.
They can take it up with Honda, who oversaw that case.
It takes me four minutes to read through it and leave notes. Alex doesn’t move for a single one of them. When I finally glance up, her jaw is tense, and her lips are curled into a dismissive smile. I have seen this look more than once, and it takes everything I have not to shudder.
“Look at you being all important.” Her voice is honey-sweet.
She doesn’t say one wrong word. She is too smart for that, but the tone has an edge.
“Comes with the territory,” I reply, my voice softer than I like, but at least it doesn’t waver.
“Mm-hm,” she hums, unconvinced, and this time, she does sit down. “Listen, Cat, I wanted to go over a few improvements for peds, but let’s address the elephant in the room first.”
I feel the muscle in my jaw roll, but I remain silent. The longer I stare at her, the calmer I start to feel. Alex only has the power that I give her. That I gave her. I’m under no obligation to her. I never was. How could I have been so blind?
“There will be no need. You can present your improvements now.”
“Catherine…” she purrs and leans forward a little, her eyes boring into mine. “I think there is very much a need.”
“Doctor Wu, you can present your ideas, or you can step out. The choice is yours.”
I lean back and look at her. My breathing is shallow, and I feel my fingers tremble against my legs, but I know I need to do this. I need to reestablish hierarchy.
“Look at you, acting like a grown-up. Where was this certainty in med school? You could’ve been so much further ahead.”
The remark slices through me like one of her many cuts. I know she is right. I am not where I could have been. But I am exactly where I need to be, and that is worth far more.
“Next time you want to present something, have it prepared and make an appointment. You can go now.”
My voice trembles only a little, and I am proud when I am able to tear my gaze away from her and return it to the screen in front of me.
Alex stands up from her chair and lets out a frustrated sigh. Instead of walking toward the door, she comes around the desk and yanks the chair around so that I face her.
“No, Catherine, I will not let you walk away from this conversation because you are afraid.”
“You are out of line, Doctor Wu.”
“No, you are icing me out while you crave to let me in. You’ve always done that.” Her hand comes up to cup my jaw, but I turn my head away from her. “Catherine…”
“We are nothing more than co-workers, Doctor Wu. I am your Head of Trauma. You report to me. Our history is irrelevant.”
“No, it’s not, and you know it,” she hisses back, her voice more heated now than I’ve ever heard it before. “Not when all I want to do is kiss you.”
This time, my eyes do find hers just in time to see them dip to my lips and back up. I shake my head.
“We didn’t work out for a reason, Alex. And I am thankful for that because I have found the person who does know how to make me happy.”
A painful look flashes over her face before she snarls.
“What? The little writer? Yeah, I’ve heard about her.”
My blood turns ice-cold.
“You know she can’t give you what I can, Catherine. You need a person who challenges you, not one who gawks at you as if you hung the moon. She’ll bore you in no time, and then you will have accomplished nothing. Again.”
She shakes her head as the words slowly sink in. They do something weird within me. Heat clashes with cold, and I feel an overpowering urge to punch her in the face. Instead, I close my eyes and take a deep breath, which she mistakes for surrender.
“We were so good together, Cat… we can be good together again.” Her whisper comes out softly.
I open my eyes just in time to see her bend forward, her lips closing in on mine. My body suddenly comes to life. My hands shoot up, pressing firmly against her shoulders, and my head twists back from her.
“No,” I say firmly, and Alex staggers back from the impact with which I push her. “I have been clear with you. I have a partner, and I do not want you in my life. Try anything like this again, and I will report you to HR. Do I make myself clear?”
Alex gapes at me, her chest rising and falling almost as fast as mine. She scans my face, and for a moment, she stays frozen in place.
“Please see yourself out,” I say, my voice unbelievably steady.
She nods and turns on her heel, not saying another word until she reaches the door. That’s where she glances over her shoulder.
“My apologies, Doctor Durand. I misread the situation. I will have a memo on the improvements ready and on your desk by the morning.”
With that, she steps out, and I can finally let go of the shuddering breath that was locked inside my chest. Dios mío.