30. Serena
SERENA
The first time you touched my face, my life changed.
One touch, and I knew.
—Serena’s secret thoughts
“Oh good, Serena,” Annabelle sighs as I walk through the door, and my eyes immediately soak in Hendrix sitting up in bed.
His face is smudged and there’s a small bandage on his arms, but he’s here and he’s alive and he’s mine.
“Maybe you can talk some sense into him.” She leans over and kisses Hendrix’s cheek.
“I’m going to go call Mel and check on Bodhi.
Could you please convince my most stubborn child he absolutely should not sign himself out against medical advice?
They want him here for a solid four hours to make sure his lungs are fine. ”
Hendrix lifts the oxygen mask from his face and glares at Annabelle. “I’m fine, Mom.”
“I’m so glad you got that medical degree when I wasn’t looking.
Oh wait. That wasn’t you. That was Nixon’s wife.
So unless you have a whole life I’ve been unaware of, stay there for three more hours and be quiet.
Ryker’s wife hasn’t woken up yet. That could have been you. Chew on that for a while, please.”
She walks out of the room, and I make a mental note to never piss off Annabelle Sinclair.
“Serena—” Hendrix says as I move into the room and stand next to the bed, taking the oxygen mask from him and adjusting it until it’s back in place.
“Uh-uh. You don’t speak. You sit right there and breathe in that oxygen, you got it?” I ask and wait for a smart response that doesn’t come, which tells me all I need to know. This man doesn’t feel good. I climb up into the bed next to him and watch as he relaxes and opens his arms.
God, I love this man.
I rest my head over his heart letting the steady rhythm calm me in a way nothing else would do.
“You listen to me, Hendrix Sinclair. I didn’t survive three years without you, to finally get you back and then lose you again.
Do you hear me?” I lift my head and smile with trembling lips. “Nod if you hear me.”
He laughs, and I lay my head right back over his heart.
“I love you, Hendrix. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. Today, tomorrow, next year, and our next lifetime. It will always be you and me. Do you understand me?”
He nods and pulls me closer.
“I don’t want to do this lifetime without you. You and me and Bodhi. That’s what it’s supposed to be.” I kiss his chest and close my eyes. “Now, I’m going to lie right here with you until you’re allowed to leave, and don’t you even think about leaving one single second before then. Got it?”
“Yeah, baby.” He lifts his mask and kisses my head. “I got it.”
Thankfully, Dad had my car brought to the hospital, so five hours later, when the doctor cleared an incredibly pissed-off Hendrix to go home, I was able to drive us back to his house.
“Are you going to be okay seeing Mel?” Hendrix asked me as we get out of the car in his driveway. His voice was hoarse and his arms scratched, but that was the worst of it. And as long as I had him, I’d deal with the rest.
But now, as I sit at the kitchen table across from Melissa while Hendrix is upstairs showering, I realize it’s not going to be that easy.
“I owe you an apology, Serena. I shouldn’t have said what I did, and I hope one day you’ll forgive me.
I loved my girl, and every morning when I have to wake up and realize she’s not here, it breaks my heart all over again.
Seeing you here, knowing you’re getting to fall in love with her husband and her son—it hurt.
But not because you’re a bad person. I actually think in some ways it hurt more when I realized you’re not.
” She wipes tears from her glassy eyes and looks away.
“Because you get to live the life she can’t. ”
“I’m sorry,” I tell her, meaning it. “I am so sorry she’s not here. But I’ll never be sorry for loving Hendrix. And I’ll never try to replace her in Bodhi’s heart.”
“But here’s the thing. She wants you there,” a distinctly deep, raspy voice says from somewhere behind me.
“I’m going to go check on Bodhi,” Melissa says as she stands, staring at Hendrix over my shoulder before her eyes come back to me.
“I mean it, Serena. I am so sorry for the way I reacted. And I do hope you’ll give me a chance to make it up to you.
I’m not a bad person. Just a grieving mother.
” Her smile is small and sad as she picks up her mug and walks away.
“Come with me?” he asks and holds his hand out for me.
I lay my hand in his. “Anywhere.”
We walk outside and down to his dock where he sits down on one of the Adirondak chairs and tugs me down onto his lap.
“You know, in so many ways, living on this street drives me crazy. We’ll never get any privacy with my sisters next door and my brothers so close.
But our kids also get to grow up right here with their cousins and the lake as their playground. ”
“Our kids?” I ask as I pull my legs up and tuck them alongside him. “Am I moving in with you?”
“You will.”
He’s right. I will.
But for now, I gently brush my lips over his, needing to feel his warmth.
“Okay, so this is where you want to raise a family? We skipped over the whole six kids you mentioned wanting last night.” God, it feels like so long ago already. “Is that number up for negotiation?”
“Whatever you want is up for negotiation, Serena. I just want you to know, when I think about it . . . being here, surrounded by family, in this town I never wanted to come back to—as long as you’re with me, I think I’ve made peace with all of it.”
“You do say the sweetest things, Superman.” I stuff my cold hands in the front pocket of the hoodie he threw on and pull out a card. “What’s this?”
I flip it over and see my name printed in child-like script.
“That’s yours,” he says simply, like that’s all the answer I get.
“So should I open it?” I ask, intrigued, but when he looks out over the lake instead of at me, intrigue changes to concern. “Hendrix . . .?”
“You should. But I don’t have to stay. That’s up to you.
” His hand finds my face like it always does.
“Britt left me letters. She left a few for Bodhi too.” My heart sinks when I think I know where this is going.
“She also left one for her mom and one for you.” He nods toward my hand.
“That one is yours. I can leave you alone if you want.”
“You want me to read it today?” I ask, not sure how much more I can take today. “I’m not sure I have the emotional bandwidth for this,” I admit.
“Life’s short, Serena. We don’t know if Delaney is going to wake up, and all I kept thinking about as Ryker begged her to live was you.
I survived losing Britt. I wouldn’t survive losing you.
Not again. And I want to live every single day remembering that.
Thankful for the day and for the people in it.
” His thumb traces my cheek. “Thankful for you. You don’t have to read it. But I think you should.”
“Stay with me?” I ask, wanting him here with me.
“Always, baby.”
I run a finger along the edge of the white and blue envelope and pull out the heavy paper.
Serena,
You’re my last letter.
I’ve written so many, I’m not sure I have that much left to say. There are only so many ways to say goodbye before the words start to feel too small for the people you’re leaving behind. But for you, I needed to find more.
It’s funny, we never really knew each other, not the way you’d expect to know someone you’re leaving as the protector of the most important people in your life, and yet that’s what I’m asking of you.
I’m not giving them to you because Hendrix was never mine to give.
He was always yours. And with him comes our son.
If you’re reading this, then Hendrix has given it to you, and he’s finally gotten his head out of his ass and found you again.
I wish he’d done it sooner. I wish I was a better person, and I didn’t let him marry me.
I wish I had the courage to tell him to go after you and beg your forgiveness instead of marrying me.
What can I say?
Dying makes you a little selfish, I guess. And Hendrix made this last year so much easier and happier than I ever thought it could be.
I used to be jealous of you. Before I got pregnant and before we got married.
Not because I loved Hendrix the way you did, but because I wanted someone to look at me the way he looked at you.
I wanted someone to talk about me with the kind of reverence he used when he was telling me stories about you. But life is unfair, and fate is cruel.
Make sure he raises Bodhi to be the kind of man who loves the way he does because I don’t think many men love that way.
And Bodhi . . . well, that’s where I’m going to ask for more than I have any right to ask. Even if it breaks my heart to think about it.
I desperately wish I was going to be the one kissing his scraped knees and reading him bedtime stories.
I’ll never know his favorite foods, or if he was scared on the first day of school.
I’ll never see his excitement when he gets his driver’s license or being the one telling him it’s okay when he totals his first car. And I hate that so much.
I want his bad dreams and his Christmas mornings.
His summer vacations and first heartbreak.
I want to tie his tie on his wedding day and I want to hold my first grandbaby and cry because they look so much like Bodhi did. But I’m not going to get any of those moments—you are.
I hope he reaches for your hand when you’re walking side by side because he knows you’ll be there in a way I’ll never get to be. Give him security. Don’t let him think that everyone leaves. Don’t let him live in fear, and don’t let him live, wondering if I would have loved him more.
I’m trusting you to love him enough for both of us.
But please don’t let him forget me either. Say my name. Show him our pictures. Tell him I loved him before I ever saw him and that he was the greatest gift of my life. Tell him I didn’t have a single regret.
Make sure he knows he can miss me and still love you.
They both can.
I feel like I should hate you. You’re the woman who’s going to get to love my husband and son. But I don’t. I think you’re actually the person I’m most grateful for.
I got those first few months, but you’re going to get a lifetime.
Make them count.
Give them everything I couldn’t give.
Give them a lifetime.
XOXO,
Britt
With shaking hands and tears pooling in my eyes, I fold the sheets of paper as carefully as possibly, knowing this letter will be something I treasure, and place them back in the envelope, and rest my head on Hendrix’s shoulder. “Seven lifetimes, right, Superman?”
He rests his head on top of mine. “Seven lifetimes, princess.”