Chapter 18 #3
“Why do you do that?” Logan wraps an arm around my waist, his warm palm pressed against the bare skin at the small of my back. Calloused fingers slip just under the edge of the silk. “Switch between calling me Olivia and Liv?”
The band switches to a beautiful James Bay song, and we sway slowly to the opening notes, while the soft string lights give everyone beneath them a beautiful golden glow under the stars of this beautiful night.
“Because twelve years ago, when I finally got you to talk to me, you told me to call you Olivia. It was that first weekend of freshman year. The party in the quad. The one with the water balloons. You were in a cropped Revolution t-shirt and short black shorts that made your legs look a mile long. And when I got up the nerve to talk to you, you told me your name was Olivia.”
My heart stutters in my chest with foggy memories of that party. Of my roommate hooking up with Rafe. And every girl on campus flirting with Logan. “The nerve? You didn’t seem nervous. If I remember correctly, you were surrounded by girls all night.”
“Think harder, Olive.” His fingers slip lower, and a chill skates down my spine.
One that has Logan grinning like he knows exactly what he just did and if I play my cards right, he might just do it again.
“I don’t remember any of them. The only thing I remember is trying to get your attention all night. ”
I think back to that night.
To that entire time in my life.
“I was going through a phase. I wanted everyone to call me Olivia back then. It worked while I was away at school but never here.” I tilt my head back and look up at this man I can’t quite figure out and remember thinking there was no way he was interested in me.
My roommate was way more his speed. I wasn’t surprised at all when she dated Rafe.
She was fun and flirty and never took anything seriously.
She was my opposite in every way. Tall and beautiful and athletic.
And I wasn’t. “I remember wanting to reinvent myself so badly, but it never really worked.”
“Why?” He hangs on each word like they mean everything. Like they hold the keys to the kingdom. “Why would you want to change?”
It’s hard to remember what life was like back then. Feeling like an outsider in your own family sucks. “I don’t know. I just wanted to fit in. I wanted to be more like everyone else. At least I thought I did.”
“Damn, Olive. You always stood out. Even when you were trying to blend in. Trying to hide. I’d never met a more confident woman.
Not back then. Hell, I still haven’t. You were smart and self-assured and beautiful.
You didn’t fake it. You just were. No one could hold a candle to you. They still can’t.”
A warmth spreads in my chest.
One I can’t explain.
“What made you stop?” he pushes and takes my hand in his, resting it over his heart.
“Stop what?” I ask, having a hard time focusing on anything except the curve of his mouth and how desperate I am to feel it on mine again.
“Trying to reinvent yourself. What made you stop trying?”
“That’s easy. I realized I liked who I was and decided I didn’t need to reinvent myself.
I just needed my family to see me how I wanted to be seen.
Not sure they ever really did or ever really will.
But once I accepted that I liked myself the way I was, everything else felt different.
” It was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and my entire life was reframed.
The lens I’d been seeing it through suddenly wiped clean, and everything came into new focus.
“So if that’s why you call me Olivia, how come you switch to Liv?
You don’t do it often, but you have done it a few times. ”
Those beautiful blue eyes of his sparkle against the dark night’s sky, and I swear it’s as if my soul is smiling back at him. I’d find it unnerving if I wasn’t enjoying it so much. Enjoying this moment with this man.
“I’ve always thought of you as Olivia St. James, the woman who controls her entire universe.
But seeing you with your family. With mine.
With Maggie. I’ve watched the people you love call you Liv or Livvy.
The people you drop your guard with. The ones you let in.
You don’t do it often, but when you do, I see the woman they see.
And she’s different from the woman I met back then.
Two sides of the same coin. And honestly, I wasn’t sure if I had earned the right to call you Liv yet. ”
This man . . .
“I see you, Olive. I’d like to say I see all of you, but I’m not sure I deserve that yet.” He leans down and presses his forehead to mine, his warm breath fanning my face. “But I’d really like to try.”
Oh my . . .
My heart races in my chest as I try to reconcile this man with the one who hurt me more than he had a right to, and the realization comes crashing down over me so hard, I’m surprised my knees don’t buckle from the weight of it. “Logan . . . I don’t hate you.”