Chapter 50 Heartache
HEARTACHE
MOLLY
Everything happened in flashes.
The ambulance, the paramedics, the sirens as they drove away.
The silence in the cab of Grey's truck as we rushed behind them to the hospital.
The brief, devastated kiss after I told him to go, despite wanting him to stay.
The ER chaos of paperwork and questions and my mother falling apart in the seat next to me.
Even the hours of waiting felt like they took days and happened in a series of blinks.
It's midnight in Dad's dark hospital room. He looks so small in the hospital bed, tubes and wires slithering out from his gown and to beeping machines. Mom sits next to him in a chair she pulled close, holding his hand, the two of them murmuring to each other through her tears.
The urge to run is so vivid in me, I nearly panic. But I manage to take a breath, find my wits.
"I'm going to go get coffee." My voice sounds wrong in here, too loud, too gentle. "Want any, Mom?"
"That would be great, honey," she says, relieved. She smiles sadly, exhaustion written on her face. Dad looks scared, but he tries to cover it.
I nod, offering a sad smile of my own. "All right. I'll be back."
Once in the hallway, I can breathe easier, though my nerves crackle as my defenses soften. I look for the signs that point to the cafeteria and follow them on wooden feet, texting Grey.
Molly: Hey. Finally got a second. Meet me in the cafeteria?
Grey: Be there in a few.
That loosens the band around my ribs a little more. Everything will be all right once he's here. At least for a little while.
The doctor said he was lucky, that the heart attack could have been worse. They'll monitor him tonight, run more tests in the morning. He might need surgery. He might not. Either way, he can't stay here.
Add it to the list of terrible things that have happened because of me.
Mom begged me to come with them, citing her fear that something will happen to him on the three-hour trip as well as the stress of taking care of him in this state alone at home.
If I hadn't witnessed her come unraveled like she did, I'd say she was trying to manipulate me. But she couldn't even fill out his paperwork. I can't imagine her trying to drive them home, or her state at home, trying to take care of him without any support.
Makes me wonder if it's not me who's helpless, but them.
Once I get to the cafeteria, I get myself and Grey a cup of coffee and sit at an empty table.
I have my pick. There's no one here but me and the sleepy cashier.
Grey and I have been texting all night, waiting for this, for the time he could come and we could talk.
But really, selfishly, I just want him here.
Thank god he wasn't arrested--despite everything, he still has enough respect in town that it wasn't a question.
Plus, he went to high school with the cops on duty, and they all apparently hate the asshole who started the whole thing.
When Grey tried to walk away before, I thought he was crazy for thinking he was selfish, but I get it now. Maybe I am naive. Because I couldn't possibly understand what it meant for him to leave to protect me, not until it came to realizing there's only one way I can protect him.
Grey thought he was ruining me, but really he's been the one who has carried the weight of it all, his good standing in the community now tainted by the title of predator.
He's the one who has to see the judgment on the faces of the people he's known his whole life.
We can say all day that it doesn't matter, but tonight just proved it was all bullshit.
It matters. We can't escape it. It's not going to stop. His whole life is here.
Mine's just begun.
It's so unfair, it hurts, the physical pain of it splitting me down the middle, sharp and shocking.
"Molly--"
At the sound of his voice, I'm out of my seat and flying into his arms. He catches me with a soft sound from the impact, holding me so tight, my ribs ache.
I don't care. He can break me, crush me, shatter me, as long as I'm here, my face buried in his neck, his heart pounding against mine like they're trying to reach each other.
I'm sobbing so hard, I can't breathe. I didn't realize how much I'd been holding myself together for my mom until now.
After a moment, he sits, putting me in his lap without unhooking my arms, though now that I'm sitting sideways, I can't hide like I want to.
With my head tucked against his neck, he strokes my hair, holds my face, whispers it's going to be okay.
I'm sure he's right.
Right now, it feels impossible.
Eventually, the wave passes, but he doesn't speak, just holds me as best he can in a metal cafeteria chair.
My glasses are all foggy. I stare through the blurry lenses at nothing.
"Mom wants me to come home with them."
He stills.
"She's worried about the drive home, wants help with him there. Really, I think she just needs moral support. She…she fell apart. I don't know how she'll do without help--"
"You should go."
I sigh. The tears are back, stinging the corners of my eyes. "Yeah. It's…it's probably for the best. All I've done is cause trouble."
"That's not all you've done."
"I'm ruining you."
"You're saving me."
I uncurl and lean back so I can see him. Hold his jaw in my hand. Look into his pale, pained eyes. "How can I live with myself if it's both?" I search his eyes. "It…it's too much to know I'm the reason for your suffering, to know you'd be better off without me."
"No, Molly. Don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to us. Don't learn the lesson the hard way like I had to."
"Grey, this time is different--you were provoked into a fight tonight that could have put a man in the hospital or you in jail or both. We gave my father a heart attack--an actual heart attack. This…it's bigger than just you and me."
His Adam's apple bobs. "I know. But I still haven't heard a reason for us to be apart."
"What will we do about my parents?"
"We can't do anything right now but wait. But I know we'll figure it out."
"And the town? The talk?"
"Fuck the talk."
"But we live here--"
"Then we'll move."
"But--"
"No." One firm, final word. "It doesn't matter.
None of it matters. I don't care if it's complicated.
I don't care if it's impossible, Molly. I love you.
" His voice breaks. "God, I love you so fucking much, I'd fight my way through hell for you.
There is nothing--nothing--that will change that.
Let them come for me. Stay and let me love you. I don't care about anything else."
My head and heart hum with every word, my tears falling again. "You love me?"
He nods, his eyes shining, throat tight when he whispers, "So much."
"I love you too," I mutter through a sob before our lips meet, hard and insistent, the kiss deep, heavy with promises and wishes and dreams.
He brings his forehead to mine, breathing me in.
"Then we'll figure it out," he whispers. "As long as we have each other, it'll be okay."
For a long moment, it's just the two of us in the midst of the chaos, everything falling, everything fading. And then he kisses me again, wishing I could lose myself there.
"Come back to me." He the plea, his eyes closed as if in prayer.
"I will," I whisper back.
And then he lets me go.