Chapter 16
Beckham
“What are you thinking about?”
Ellery’s soft voice breaks through the thoughts I was lost in. I glance down to see her watching me. The expression of genuine curiosity on her face makes me smile.
“Nothing,” I say.
“Liar.” Her smile soothes the bite of her words. With a hum of contentment, she snuggles back into my arms. “Fine, then. Keep your secrets.”
I chuckle in response.
We are outside under the stars. The air is just cool enough that Ellery burrows into my side like a kitten needing warmth, and my arm tightens protectively around her. All around us, an orchestra of forest sounds—an owl hooting, frogs croaking along the water’s edge—add to the ambiance. Our breaths mingle in the night sky. I inhale, letting the crisp air fill my lungs along with Ellery’s sweet scent.
At this moment, I have never felt more at peace.
Times like this are normally when my demons like to come out and play. They kill my confidence. Shred my sanity. Pick at every scabbed-over wound from my past until it bleeds. I wait for the panic to consume me, to tell me to run—but it never comes.
Because of the woman in my arms.
Ellery gives me a sense of peace that I have never known before. She keeps the demons at bay. The more time we spend together, the more time together I crave. And I find myself wanting to share everything with her. Every piece of me.
Construction on the cottage was completed just a few days ago. She was the very first person to see it. I built everything to complement the surrounding nature. The dark brown gabled roof, with trim stained to match, is a nice contrast to the light cobblestone of the exterior walls. While the interior still needs all the final touches, I admit everything looks better than I imagined.
Ellery gasped when she saw it.
Oh, Beckham,she said. I feel like I just walked into a fairy tale.
Something in me settled hearing that.
We wandered the space, and I got to take everything in through fresh eyes: the exposed beams of the ceiling, the open floor plan, the large stone fireplace, and the massive kitchen.
Each sound of delight made all of my hard work worth it.
Later, I surprised Ellery with a picnic up here on the terrace. I went all out, too, decorating with fairy lights and candles. We dined, laughed, and watched the sunset over the glade. Now, we are sprawled out on a blanket, our bodies intertwined as we gaze up at the stars. It has been, by far, the most romantic thing I have ever attempted.
My mind slowly drifts back to her question. But I don’t answer. Instead, I ask her one of my own. “Will you tell me more about the Unity Art Co-op?”
She tilts her head to look at me. “What do you want to know?”
“Everything, I guess. Why an art center? Why the McAllister estate? What are your dreams for that place?”
“The art center part is obvious, I should think.” Her voice is warm, filled with giddy excitement. “I have always wanted to do something with my art. Share it with the world.”
“But you did that in New York, didn’t you?”
“A bit, yeah. But that world is too much for me. Too busy. Way too demanding.” She giggles. “Guess I’m a country bumpkin at heart.”
“A very cute country bumpkin,” I deadpan.
She pinches my side and I laugh.
“Anyway,” she continues, “that life wasn’t for me. And I’ve always dreamt of building a creative space—a safe space—where people can learn and grow their art skills. After Mom and Dad died, art kept me going. It helped me to move on. I want to pay it forward. Give others that same opportunity for healing.”
“And the McAllister estate?”
Ellery shrugs. “It was available. Big enough for all my plans. Why create something new when I have the chance to restore something old to its former glory? Make it even better?”
The same reason I got into renovations, I realize. I like breathing new life into something others have given up on. Those places deserve a second chance. Because I know what it’s like to be abandoned; left to rot. And I know the impact a second chance can have on anything, person or object.
“So, that was what you were thinking about?” Ellery asks, a teasing lilt to her tone. “My work?”
“No, not exactly.” I sit up and admit, “I guess that I was thinking about life. Relationships and family. Yours. Mine…”
There is a beat of heavy silence while Ellery melts against me. I wrap my arms around her and tug her back against my front. The need to be close to her, touching her, has become almost second nature.
“Your parents. You don’t talk about them much,” she says carefully.
“Not much to talk about.” My voice goes hard. “I was the product of a one-night stand. My parents were forced to marry. My mother abandoned me early on and my father was a mean, drunk bastard. Your parents are the only real parents I ever knew.”
The story of my childhood is, in large part, the reason I always governed my life by a strict set of rules. Those rules were law. They kept me sane and safe.
Until now. Until Ellery. I have broken just about every rule with her.
I would do it again in a heartbeat.
“My dad beat me. A lot.” The words are a quiet admission. “You were too young to remember much of it.”
“Some of it I do remember.” Her voice is soft, hesitant. “You were always breaking something. But I thought you were just being a boy, playing rough and getting hurt. I was wrong, though.”
Even though it’s not a question, I answer her. “Yeah. It was way more than that.”
Lost in a memory, she says, “You went to the hospital when you were sixteen. Bruises all over. Busted ribs and a punctured lung.”
My ribs twinge painfully at the picture she paints. That muscle memory remains, even years later.
“That was because of your father?” She sounds horrified. “You almost died.”
“I had a moment where I thought, ‘Maybe the alcohol is what makes him such an asshole.’ So I dumped it all out.” My laugh is dark. “He beat the shit out of me. He berated me. After, he went to the bar and left me bleeding out on the floor.”
Ellery turns into my arms, giving me comfort while seeking her own.
“That’s when you came to live with us,” she whispers into my neck.
A real smile weaves its way across my face.
“Your dad,” I explain. “He used everything in his police arsenal to nail mine to the wall. Then your parents fostered me so I wouldn’t get sent away.”
I will never forget that. And I will never be able to repay the love and acceptance they showed me.
“They were the best.” Ellery sniffles. “God, I miss them. Always.”
“Me, too, shortcake.”
“I’m so sorry all that happened to you. You didn’t deserve it.”
My whole body tenses. “I don’t want your pity, Elle.”
“I don’t pity you.” Her fierce tone slices through my defenses. “I admire you. I’m in awe of you.”
She threads her fingers into my hair so that I am forced to look at her. And so I can see the truth in her words. “To go through all that and come out unscathed? That takes a massive amount of inner strength.”
“I’d hardly say I came out unscathed,” I argue.
“I would. Look how you turned out, despite it all. You’re brave; fiercely loyal. You protect everyone close to you. You’re the hardest worker I know, and you fight for the things that matter.”
I shake my head, dismissing what she is trying to tell me.
“Beckham,” she snaps. “I mean it. This life you built in Sweetbriar? Be proud of it. That was all you. You could have let your parents influence your outlook on life and your character. But, you didn’t.”
I’m not so sure about that. My parents did a damn fine job making me a complete failure at love. They gifted me with massive trust issues. When I glance down at Ellery, she is looking at me with such warmth and adoration that every bone in my body tells me to run. Run as fast and as far away as possible.
They fostered that fear.
Fear of being unable to give her what she deserves.
Fear that this will all fall apart.
Fear is what drives me to kiss her. To want to brand myself on every part of her body and mind. To become so intertwined that there is no chance for our hearts to ever unravel.
“You give me too much credit,” I say when I come up for air.
“And you”—Ellery gasps when my mouth starts to tease and nibble along the soft column of her neck—“don’t give yourself enough.”
I capture her lips again. As her scent envelops me, I start to calm, and the kiss gentles. I lower her to the blanket. Then I brace myself on my forearms and stare down at her smiling face.
“What did I ever do to deserve you?”
“Well,” she says, “I’d say you’re doing plenty right now.”
“Sweetheart, I’m just getting started.”
Here, under the stars, I have all the time in the world to love Ellery. To worship her body the way it was made to be worshipped. And I plan to make the most of every single second.
Each layer of her clothing is peeled away until her body lies bare beneath me. Moonlight kisses the soft curves of her skin. I follow the path it takes with my fingertips.
“God, Beck…” Her back arches into me.
With a wicked grin, I move down her body. My hands slide up her inner thighs. Spread them wide.
“Fuck,” I growl. “Look at you, so wet already.”
Her breath hitches. “Only for you.”
“Good girl.” I lower my head between her legs and cover her with my mouth. Every taste is pure heaven. Every breathless gasp she makes thrums through my body. Every moan sends a bolt of white-hot need straight through me.
I am gone. Completely lost to her.
My fingers join my tongue. One of her hands clutches the blanket at her back while the other threads through my hair. Just that small bite of pain and I am as hard as granite, ready to lose it completely.
“Please,” she whimpers.
“Come for me, baby.”
That’s all it takes. She cries out in release, falling apart so beautifully that I lift to watch the play of emotions on her face. Then she looks at me, her lips curling into a drowsy, sated smile. As soon as her eyes meet mine, I get lost in the starlight sparkling in their depths.
I stretch out over her, then, join our bodies together. Each movement of my hips is languid. Deliberate. I want to make this feeling last, to live in this fantasy of ours before reality comes crashing in.
Because in this moment? This is nirvana.
My Garden of Eden.
Pressure coils in my belly. The force of it expands and spreads outward until, with nowhere else to go, it explodes. Together, we shatter into a million tiny pieces that float up into the night sky.
Eventually, we do come back down to earth. Both of us collapse on the blanket, breathing heavily. After a few moments, I gently pull Ellery into my side.
“I’m no good at this,” I admit, drawing her gaze. “Relationships—or whatever you want to call us. But, I know that I want one. I want there to be an us.”
She blinks in surprise. “What are you saying, Beckham?”
Fuck. I have no idea. I’m flying blind, hurtling toward something unknown. My first instinct is to fly off in the other direction, but I fight the impulse.
“You and me,” I tell her. “That’s what I’m saying. No matter what happens, I’m all in.”
“Promise?” Falling from her lips, that one word is sweet and soft, and full of uncertainty. But her face is bright with something that looks a lot like hope. So I whisper the word back to her.
“Promise.”
Ellery said before that I am brave.
Brave is being with her out in the open, unashamed, the way she deserves. Brave is admitting, to myself and her, that I am wholeheartedly, irrevocably in love. That she has ruined me for any other woman. That I want everything with her. Marriage. Kids. Forever.
But, those and too many other unspoken words still linger in the air.
Words that I cannot give a voice to.
I’m not brave.
I’m a damn coward.