Chapter 19
Ellery
AfterSimon and Beckham both run off, I head back inside. As soon as the door closes, I slide to the floor. My heart shatters into a million tiny shards while the tears I have kept at bay finally escape. My stomach is in turmoil. Huge, body-wracking sobs rip from some deep, broken place inside of me.
Because I am alone.
Because everyone leaves.
Stress and guilt turn my stomach. Tie it in knots until I have to race to the bathroom and hover over the toilet. When there is nothing left, I still have to wait through several dry heaves until I can collapse against the wall at my back. Then I contemplate my shitty life choices. I dwell on every wrong decision that led me to this moment.
Once the tears are under control—as much as they can be—I gather my things and lock up.
The walk home takes ages. At least, it feels that way to me. When I finally do reach my doorstep, the adrenaline crash hits, causing my hands to shake while I let myself in.
Lena is sprawled out on our couch in the living room. Her eyes are locked onto the television, watching something play across its screen, and it takes her a moment to notice my presence.
“Hey, babe, you were out late,” she says. Then her gaze lands on me.
As soon as she takes in my appearance, Lena is up and wrapping her arms around me. Her concern shatters any semblance of composure I have. With a shuddering sob, I burrow against her chest.
“Who do I need to kill?” she growls.
Just like that. Not even asking for the whole story. No, Lena is the one who will bail a friend out of any situation. She fiercely protects those she loves.
With a gentle hand that belies her fury, Lena leads me over to the couch. She sits us both down. Then I am tucked into her side. The entire time I am forcing back the fresh wave of tears that threaten to break free.
I am so tired of crying.
I am just so tired.
“Simon found out about Beckham and me.” The words taste like ash but I force them past my lips. “In the absolute worst way.”
“Oh, honey…”
“He said some awful things and then stormed out. Beckham left, too. He…” I trail off, closing my eyes.
“He, what?”
“He didn’t fight for me, Lena,” I whisper. My chin quivers. “Didn’t even try. What is wrong with me?”
“Absolutely nothing.”
“There must be.” I curl up on my side, laying my head in Lena’s lap. She gently threads her fingers through my hair.
“Not. One. Thing,” she argues. “You’re amazing, Ellery Brooks. Beautiful, smart, funny, hardworking… A total badass bitch. Do you honestly think I would be friends with someone less worthy?”
I huff out a watery laugh. “No way.”
“Exactly.”
Lena leans down to kiss my forehead. We fall into silence while she continues to absently stroke my hair. The rhythmic, soothing motion relaxes some of my tension. But nothing can wipe away the memories of today that run through my mind in a continuous reel.
“You are way too good for him, Elle. For any man.” She heaves an exasperated sigh. “Life would be so much easier if we became lesbians.”
Choking with laughter, I cry out, “What?”
“I know. I know. I would miss certain parts of the male anatomy, too. Toys are always an option but… just not the same.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
I am giggling uncontrollably, which I’m sure was her plan.
“You love it.” She nudges me.
“Yeah… I do.”
Just then, my phone chimes with a new notification. I sit up and grab it. Simon’s name flashes on the screen and I frantically punch the phone with my thumbs trying to get the text window to open.
My last few messages to him appear.
Ellery:
I’m sorry, Si…
I should never have betrayed your trust like that
Please at least let me know you’re safe somewhere
There is a new message beneath them.
Simon: You can stop texting. I’m at home. I’m fine
Ellery: OK. Love you, big brother
I wait for another text to come through, but seconds turn into minutes with no reply. As much as I want to, I don’t send another text.
He needs space. I can give him that.
Lena reads the thread over my shoulder. When she looks back up at me, her expression has turned somber. Without me having to say anything, she wraps me in another hug.
“Simon will come around,” she whispers. “He loves you so much, there is zero chance he won’t forgive you.”
Her voice is so full of conviction. I wish I could take some of hers for my own. Lena rests her cheek on the top of my head for a moment. Then, with a sigh, she pulls away and stands.
“Just give him a little time, yeah? He did just find out, and like you said… probably not in the greatest way, either.”
“You are not allowed to be reasonable right now,” I grumble. “There is a rule somewhere in the BFF code of conduct. You are supposed to wallow in misery with me.”
“I retract my statement. See my previous comment about becoming lesbians.”
“Much better.”
Still, her words slowly penetrate the thick layer of emotional protection I have systematically been putting up since Beckham walked out. A large part of me wants to fade into oblivion. Completely forget the past twenty-four hours. But Lena is right.
Simon will forgive me. Eventually.
As for Beckham… if he doesn’t think I’m worth the risk, then maybe I’m better off.
No. Not maybe. Definitely.
“Ready to binge on junk food and stupid comedy movies?” Lena asks, breaking my concentration. I look up to see her standing over me.
“Absolutely. I need to eat my feelings right now.”
“I was planning to order pizza.” She pulls out her phone. “Want cheesy bread?”
“What sort of question is that?” I ask. “It’s like you don’t know me at all.”
Lena snorts. “Okay, drama queen. A simple yes would suffice.”
Once the pizza is on its way, she turns her focus back to me and my dilemma.
“Hey, Elle?”
“Hmm?”
“You and Beckham… I know things seem like they’re over, but I’ve seen the way that man looks at you. He loves you.”
I shake my head in denial. “Beckham doesn’t love me.”
“Ellery.”
“What? It’s true,” I argue. And I need to stop pretending otherwise. “He said so himself. He doesn’t do love. He doesn’t do relationships, commitments, or any of the things I desperately want. Love scares him, Lena. I know that he has… feelings for me. I know that he cares about me. But, love? No. I’m not even sure he is capable of it.”
Lena watches me in silence, contemplating my words.
Then she replies, “Beckham is going to regret it, you know.”
“Regret what?”
“Everything. He’s going to wake up someday soon and realize he lost out on the best thing to ever happen to him.” She pauses for a breath. “So don’t give up on him just yet, yeah? I have a feeling he’ll be fighting for you before long.”
With that truth bomb, Lena disappears into the kitchen.
But her words linger in the air long after she is gone.