Chapter 21
Beckham
Buryingmy feelings seems to be my new default state. I am neck-deep in a new project, hiding behind manual labor yet again when an uninvited guest shows up to interrupt me. A text alert on my phone is the only warning I get.
Seconds later there is a loud knock on my front door. Then the doorbell rings. Then two more text messages ping in rapid succession. I unlock the screen.
Time to see who the hell needs an ass-kicking.
Hawk:
Open up, asshole!
Stop being a hermit. Time to rejoin society.
C’mon. I come bearing gifts…
Un-fucking-believable. Something between a chuckle and a growl leaves my lips. I stand, brush myself off, and shove the phone into my back pocket before my gaze takes in one last sweep of the room.
It looks just like I envisioned. Better, even.
For the first time in days, hope starts to bloom between the cracks in my chest. Flickering, unsteady—but there, all the same. I made a plan. I’m executing it. All the pieces I have in play are falling into place.
Time to go greet my insufferable friend.
“You’re trespassing,” I say as soon as the door is open.
“Fuck you. I’ve got my cover charge right here.”
Hawk lifts the cold six-pack of beer in one hand, then the fancy bottle of spirits—most likely whisky—he holds in the other.
“In case you’re looking for something with more kick,” he adds.
“Well, then I guess you can come in.”
He shoves past me with a smirk. By the time I catch up to him in the kitchen, he has two bottles of beer set on the center island and the rest stored in the fridge. His head is down, hand rummaging through a drawer for the bottle opener.
Meanwhile, I peer down at the label of the scotch whisky and whistle low. “Fettercairn 22. You went all out with this one.”
“Consider it a housewarming present.” He hands me an open bottle and clinks it with his. Then he motions at my clothes, covered in dust and paint. “What gives, anyway? I thought you were finished with all the big stuff.”
“I am. But I had an idea for the back room.”
My cryptic answer hangs in the air while I lead us onto the back patio. The sun is starting to set, casting a warm glow on the pond past the backyard. I sit in one of the rocking chairs and take a long sip of beer.
“What sort of idea?” Hawk asks, joining me.
“A surprise.”
He lifts an eyebrow. “Does this have to do with Ellery?”
“Maybe.”
“How’s that going, anyway?”
“Don’t know.” I take another sip of beer, my words faltering. “I, uh… I haven’t talked to her yet.”
“Seriously, man? It’s been, what, a couple of weeks now since that all went down.”
“I know, I know.”
He doesn’t have to tell me. I’ve been berating myself daily. But, I have a plan.
“So, what are you going to do?” he asks.
“Only thing I can do,” I say. “Show her that I’m sorry. Prove to her with actions that I’m serious about her. About us. Words won’t be enough. Not this time.”
“You have your work cut out for you, my friend,” he cautions.
“She’s worth it.”
“Yeah.” He sighs then takes a drink. “You lucky son of a bitch.”
After our laughter fades, we fall into a comfortable silence. Once we finish our beers, I grab the empty bottles and head back into the kitchen to toss them in the trash.
I have every intention of returning to the patio, but then I just… stop. Instead, I lean forward with my hands on the counter and let my head drop between my shoulders. Suddenly the weight of what I have to prove feels immense. I wonder if I have any sort of real chance to fix what I broke.
There are so many knots to untangle in this mess.
Hawk finds me just like that a few moments later.
“I need to talk to Simon first.” I look over at him as he enters the kitchen. “Before I even think of approaching Elle, our shit needs to be resolved.”
“Probably smart.”
“What the hell do I even say? ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t enough.”
“No, it’s not,” he agrees. “But it’s a start. Saying nothing is worse.”
“Yeah…”
Hawk is right. Of course, he is. I’ve been putting this off for too long. Time to go to Simon and lay it all on the line.
No more hiding.
No more fucking rules or games.
But then someone goes and beats me to the punch.
“Well, if you want to talk to Simon…” Hawk jerks his chin over my shoulder. “Here’s your chance.”
My head jerks up in surprise. I turn in the direction of Hawk’s intense gaze. Simon stands in the open doorway. He is watching us, his normally open expression shuttered, and I have no idea what his state of mind is right now. No idea what made him show up, like a damn ghost, right when we mentioned his name.
Worse, I have no idea what he wants.
Does he want to talk? Reconcile? Break my face?
Only one way to find out.
“Simon,” I say in greeting.
“Beckham.” He clears his throat. “I, uh, knocked but no one answered. Then I heard voices, and the door was unlocked…” He glances over at Hawk. “Hey, man.”
Hawk nods to Simon before slapping me on the shoulder. “Good luck,” he whispers when he moves past. Just before slipping out the door, he stops and says something to Simon. Then he is gone, leaving the two of us in a silent stand-off on opposite ends of the room.
I’m not sure if I should say something first or wait for Simon to. In the end, he decides for me.
“You’re an asshole.”
His words don’t have any real heat behind them, but I still wince. “I know.”
“Do you have any idea what it’s like to walk in on your best friend and your baby sister?” He takes a step closer, clenching his fists. “Ellery is the one person in the world I’m supposed to protect above all others. I’m a fucking cop, Beckham, and I’m damn good at my job. But how do I protect her from you?”
Okay, low blow. I know he’s pissed, but to hear how little he thinks of me…
Yeah. It fucking hurts.
“Shit,” he says, catching the look on my face. “That came out wrong.” He tries again. “You’re a good person, Beck. The best man I know. But when it comes to relationships? Love?” His jaw is clenched so tight it could break granite. “You vowed you would never fall in love. Or get married. Or have a fucking family. How could you go there with her?”
“I don’t know, Simon.” Frustration seeps into my voice. “I swear, I fought so hard against my feelings. You need to know that. I tried to keep my distance. Tried to stay away from her, but…”
“But, what?”
“I couldn’t,” I admit. “Being with Ellery was—is inevitable for me. As easy as breathing, and just as necessary.”
“Then why aren’t you with her now?” he asks angrily.
He already knows the answer. Just needs me to admit it.
“Because I left.”
My voice is ragged. I feel hollowed out knowing how much she must be hurting right now. How much I let her down.
Simon’s face darkens. “Yeah, you did.”
“You told me to.”
“And you always do whatever I say?”
“No, but…” I don’t know what he wants me to say. “Fuck, man. I was trying to do the right thing. I know I betrayed your trust. Didn’t know any other way to get it back.”
“All you did by leaving,” he scoffs, “was show me that my anger was completely justified. You treated Ellery just like any other woman in your life. Temporary and meaningless.”
“Don’t call her that,” I growl.
Simon’s lips twitch at my reaction, but he doesn’t laugh, just puts his palms up in a placating gesture.
“I’m only saying how it looks,” he explains. “You completely ghosted her. What was I supposed to think?”
“You didn’t give me much of a choice.”
“Yeah, well, I’m an asshole, too.”
After a moment, Simon closes the distance between us. He stops right in front of me. I notice that his expression isn’t quite as harsh, or as angry, as it was before.
When he speaks, he confirms it. “I’m also man enough to admit whenever I’m wrong.”
I quietly lift an eyebrow.
“Okay, most of the time.” He sighs. “I know I could have handled this whole situation better.”
“Safe to say we both could have.” I rub a hand along the back of my neck. “I tried to justify leaving. Told myself it would be better this way. Honestly, though, I just panicked.”
“Because love is scary,” he says. “You don’t think you deserve it, so you used my anger as an excuse to be a chickenshit and run.”
Shit. Those are almost the exact words Ellery used on me that night. I would laugh, except he’s right.
If I have any hope of getting through this conversation, I need another drink. Something stronger. My head tilts toward the kitchen before I turn and head that way. Simon follows a beat later. One hand closes around the bottle of Fettercairn while the other grabs two glass tumblers from an overhead cabinet. Simon watches quietly while I pour a couple of fingers of the scotch into each glass. When I place one in front of him, he stares down at the warm amber liquid but doesn’t drink.
“I realized something recently,” he says.
“Oh?” I glance at him in question.
“You’ve been different since Ellery moved back.”
He contemplates me for a moment. The sudden heaviness in the air is starting to weigh me down, so I take a sip of scotch to settle my nerves a bit.
“Like an entirely new person, if I’m being honest,” he continues. “Even if I had no idea why, I still noticed.”
To be honest, I feel like an entirely new person. But I’m also curious what he means, exactly.
“How am I different?”
“Take your pick.” He motions toward me. “You’re happier, for one thing. Less restless, more centered. That’s partly from personal growth, partly from finding your place in the community, but…well, now I know that Ellery had a lot to do with that transformation.” He takes a deep breath, then admits, “You’re good for each other.”
His words hit, causing an unexpected warmth to spread through my chest. “You really think so?”
“Yeah. I do. I can see it now, how you balance each other out.” He clears his throat. “Sorry that I had to pull my head out of my ass first.”
Unsure what to say, I take a drink. Simon copies the action, then smacks his lips in surprise.
“Damn,” he says. “That’s good.”
“I’ll let Hawk know you approve.”
Slowly, the alcohol starts to work on both of us. Everything falls away—his lingering anger, my lingering guilt—and the tension that has been holding him rigid seeps out of his muscles.
For the first time in days, he feels like the old Simon.
Like my best friend.
“Ellery deserves a good man,” he says, breaking the comfortable silence.
Simon is right. She deserves more than good. She deserves the best.
I’m just not sure I’ll ever believe that person is me.
Simon must sense the direction of my thoughts because he shoots a hard glare in my direction. “No better man than the one standing in front of me.”
He is daring me to argue with him.
For once I don’t. It feels too damn good to know that he thinks I’m worthy of her, even if his regard for me is severely misplaced. I want to be worthy of her. No matter how many times I fall short, I’ll fight for it.
That has to count for something, right?
“I love her, Simon.”
He nudges my shoulder. “Kind of figured that out.”
“What the hell do I do?” I run a palm down my face and groan. “She is never going to forgive me.”
Not even sure I can forgive myself. My lungs squeeze painfully at the memory of that night. The haunted, broken look on her face.
“If you think that, then you don’t know her at all.” I just stare at him, unblinking, until he sighs. “Apologize. Grovel. No matter what it takes to earn her trust back, you keep trying. Be more stubborn than her.”
“Easier said than done.”
“Brother, don’t I know it.”
We both chuckle, but it fades as the reality of the situation sets in.
“It may take a while,” he admits. “Hell, it may take the rest of your damn life. But don’t you think she’s worth it?”
“Yeah,” I say quietly. “She is.”
“Then don’t you dare give her up.”
“Never.”
And I mean it.
I’ll do whatever it takes to win back my girl.