Chapter Eighteen
Mel
My brain was a whirl of a million different thoughts, none of which made any sense. Was it really possible that I hadn't gone too far? That she might want to repeat our kiss?
I pushed the thought from my mind, forcing myself to focus on the important part. Was it really possible that I hadn't ruined things and made them unbearably awkward between Cammie and me?
Even when I left Pine Grove again, I knew I wouldn't be able to avoid seeing and hearing about her. She was Mattie's little sister and honorary family to my aunt. Whatever she asked of me, whatever she wanted, I had to make sure I fixed this.
She came back with the teacups and placed an intricately decorated black teacup with stars and the phases of the moon painted on it in front of me.
I looked over at hers and had to fight a chuckle at hers being a yellowy orange with a painted sun on it.
She wasn't wrong. We were somewhat opposites, her with her cheery disposition, red hair, and bright smile, and me with my moodier appearance, dark hair, and reluctant smiles.
Cammie made a big impression on the people she met and was easily remembered and admired.
She was sunshine, and I... wasn't. I certainly wasn't everyone's cup of tea, and couldn't believe she might actually be saying she liked that about me.
"So, where do you want to start?" I asked, ready to follow her lead.
"With a drink," she said, raising her cup. She didn't have to tell me twice. I picked mine up and clinked it against hers lightly in a toast.
Aunt Dorrie had outdone herself with how sweet this batch was.
From the moan of pleasure Cammie let out, I knew it wasn't just me thinking it. Although now hearing her make that noise had my mind wandering from the honey mead to the lips I wanted to lick it off of.
Thankfully, she cleared her throat and spoke before I could do anything truly stupid. "So, I guess I want to get something straight… are you?"
"Am I what?"
"Straight?"
The question caught me so off-guard that a snort came out. "Definitely not," I said quickly.
I wanted to ask her about herself, but she beat me to the punch with another question. "What do you consider yourself?"
"Bisexual."
She cocked her head for a moment and asked, "Is it because you like galaxy colors more than printer colors?"
I choked out a laugh at that before asking, "Huh?"
She chuckled. "I'm pan, and I like to think that people fall into three camps in the bi vs pan debate."
I picked up my cup and took another sip for something to do with my hands. She was pan and was maybe actually into me. I didn't know what to do with my hands or my face or my anything. The drink gave me a nice momentary distraction, but unfortunately, she didn't continue speaking.
I glanced up at her and realized she was watching me, waiting patiently, so I put down the cup and asked, "What are the three camps, and where am I?"
"Well, you're definitely not in the first camp, but I haven’t figured out if you’re in both of the other two or just one."
"Which means?"
"The first camp people are the people who think bi just means two genders and don't understand that you can be bi and into more than just two genders, which I'm 92 percent sure isn't you."
"Yeah, no, maybe that's what bi used to mean, but it's not what it means now, at least not to me."
She nodded with a small smile and said, "I figured. So you have to fall into at least one of the other two camps. I know you fall into the last one, just wasn't sure about the second."
"The second is color-based?" I asked skeptically.
She laughed, "I mean, when it comes down to it, if you don't feel like there's much of a difference between the two labels, which one you choose to identify with, and which one calls to you most can be color-based. I love the happy, bright, printer colors of the pan flag. Pan feels truer to me."
I took a moment to really think about it.
I had almost always considered myself bi since I was old enough to understand what that meant.
I wasn't sure I had ever thought about identifying as pan.
It didn't feel as much like me as being bisexual did.
I doubted it started out as a color preference, but I could definitely see where she was coming from since I did love the galaxy colors of the bi flag.
It felt a bit edgier than the pan flag. The pan flag felt bright and welcoming, but it didn't feel like me.
"Maybe a little bit to do with the colors," I admitted.
She chuckled at that, saying, "You're not the first person I've surprised with that, but I've found it to be true a lot of the time."
"What's the other camp?" I was too curious not to ask.
"The other camp is dog people vs cat people, or more specifically, golden retriever energy people vs black cat energy people."
"Which is which?" I asked, pretty sure I already knew.
She raised an eyebrow at me. "Would you like an answer or a mirror?"
I laughed at that. "So pan people have golden retriever energy?"
"I've definitely found that to be the case a lot of the time, and you're not disproving it."
"So, you're in both camps with me?" I asked, still not quite believing this was actually happening.
"Yup, I'm a printer color golden retriever."
I picked up my cup again and took another sip. By the time I put the cup down, she was still quiet. So I took a deep breath and asked, "So how does this printer color golden retriever feel about galaxy color black cats?"
It was her turn to take another sip of her drink, and the wait was agonizing, especially since she wasn't meeting my eye.
It took a painfully long time, but when she did look up and meet my eyes, I could see the hesitation in hers and dared to hope that maybe I'd like what she had to say.
"I'm not sure about galaxy color black cats in general..." she paused to brush a strand of hair out of her face, and I noticed she was blushing. "But you specifically? I may or may not have had a crush on you that I've been trying to crush since we were kids."
I didn't even know how to begin comprehending that, but looking at her softly biting her lip, waiting for me to respond, was too much for me to handle.
Words weren't going to do the trick.
Instead, I leaned over, closing the distance between us, and kissed her. She let out a surprised squeak before leaning into my kiss.
I pushed her back against the couch, positioning myself over her as I kissed her.
Her moan pushed me to continue. I wanted to rip off her clothes and have my way with her right here on this couch, so every time she looked at it, she would have to think of me and blush.
I was about a millisecond from moving my attention lower when I realized I might be going too far too fast. I pulled away from her lips and asked, "Is this okay? "
"I- what - why wouldn't it be?"
There were a few reasons, but unfortunately, the first one that came to mind felt like being soaked in an ice bath. Mattie. He'd sent me over here to look out for his sister, and this definitely wasn't what he meant. I used every ounce of willpower to push myself away from her. "Because of Mattie?"
I had a front-row seat to her face going pale as she watched me. I saw sadness and indecision flash in her eyes before she nodded. "You're probably right. Maybe we got a little carried away."
"Maybe we're better as friends," I said, hating the way the word made her wince, but there wasn't really another choice, was there? If there was, I wasn't seeing it.
I stood up and offered her a hand. She let me help pull her up, and when she was standing, looked at me and said, "You're probably right. I don't want to ruin things."
I hated having to agree with her, but I couldn't risk my friendship with Mattie and didn't want to risk making things awkward for her, either. "It's probably for the best."
I offered again to help with baking, but I wasn't at all surprised when she basically pushed me out the door.