6. Chapter Six #2
“I mean, she’s still my Mom,” Savannah explained. “It’s like, I know she’s awful, Dad. The last nine months… they’ve really opened my eyes to what a narcissistic, manipulative person Mom can be. I’ve been talking with my therapist about it, actually.”
“That’s good,” I said. Debbie ‘wasn’t a big fan’ of therapy, but I’d insisted on it to help Savannah during the divorce.
“So the guilt is just…” She held her hands in front of her chest. “It’s eating me alive. And the fucked up thing is, I feel guilty no matter what I do!”
“How do you figure?” I asked. I was already working through it in my own head.
Savannah gave me an embarrassed look. “If I don’t go, Mom will guilt me about it for the rest of my life,” she said in a little voice.
All at once, she looked a lot less like an independent college student and a lot more like the girl who used to run to me whenever she skinned her knee. “And if I do, Dad, then…”
Here we go. “Then what?”
“Then I’m letting you down,” she said in a rush. “Because you’ve been so good about all of this. The house. Going to Mom's freaking dinner and not letting her push any of us around. Dad, when they made fun of Bailey and you stood up for her, right there at the table…”
I froze. Did she realize something?
Savannah bit her lip. “I’d never been so proud of you,” she said, swallowing hard. “Because none of us ever stood up to Debbie. Not me, not you, not even Bailey or McKenna. And we all really, really should’ve started doing it before now.”
I nodded. “I’m sorry about that, sweetheart. I’m sorry it took me so long to start pushing back.”
Savannah nodded. “It’s not your fault,” she whispered. “I just… Dad, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to get Mom on my case about this. But I don’t want to feel like I’m betraying you, either…”
I heard the question. Just like I heard the question Savannah wasn’t asking.
Will you forgive me?
My daughter wasn’t asking for advice. She was asking for permission.
She wanted to know that she could go to Debbie’s wedding—that she could serve as the maid of honor in a ceremony held on enemy territory—and that she could still come home at the end of it with things alright between us.
That I wouldn’t feel like my little girl had stabbed me in the back to please her overbearing mother.
Like she wasn’t putting Debbie’s needs over mine, the way we’d prioritized Debbie’s wants and needs our entire lives.
I thought about it. Really thought about it.
Because I’d meant what I said. I loved Savannah. That was never going to change. If she showed up at Debbie’s wedding like a living permission slip for my ex-wife’s new family, it would hurt—of course it would. But I’d get over it. That was my daughter, for fuck’s sake.
But it would hurt.
And the person I’d become wasn’t going to sit here and pretend it wouldn’t.
I let out a long sigh, just as the waitress arrived with our sushi.
We’d barely touched our appetizers; considering how heavy the conversation was getting, it wasn’t looking good for the entrees, either.
The waitress cleared away the earlier plates and got Savannah another LaCroix, ignoring her tears and the way both of us were obviously emotionally wrecked.
“Here’s what I’m going to say,” I said when she was gone.
Savannah waited.
“I don’t know if Debbie is going to invite me to the wedding,” I said, chuckling internally a little bit at how awkward that conversation would be.
If we did everything right with this catfishing thing, maybe none of us would have to show up.
“If she does, I suspect it’ll be for one of the reasons that she’s inviting you.
So that it looks like we co-sign on her new family. ”
“Dad—”
“If she does, I’m going to go,” I said. I’d just decided. “I’ll be present. But I’m not going to be part of the wedding party. I’m not going to make a speech. I don’t have to fix what Debbie did or minimize it.” I leaned forward. “And you don’t have to, either.”
Tears beaded in the corners of my daughter's eyes.
“So I’m not going to tell you yes or no,” I said, taking a sip of my drink. “What I’m going to do is something Debbie and I both should’ve done a long goddamn time ago. I’m giving you permission to be your own person.”
Savannah blinked. “What?”
“You don’t have to perform for either of us,” I said.
“You’re my daughter. You’re Debbie’s, too.
But being someone’s kid doesn’t make you indebted to them for the rest of your life.
You’re allowed to make your own decisions.
You’re allowed to have boundaries.” I put my hands on the table. “Even with me.”
Slowly, Savannah nodded.
Watching you grow a spine in real time has been the most fun part of this whole thing, McKenna had told me. She was right.
Maybe I was helping my daughter grow her own, too.
“No matter what happens, my door will always be open,” I promised. “I love you, Savannah. I love you more than life itself.”
Savannah sniffed hugely. “I love you too, Dad,” she whispered.
She came around the side of the table and embraced me. I held her tight, thinking about how different this conversation would have been just six months ago. How neither one of us would’ve been able to stand up to Debbie, even a little bit.
“I’m going to go,” she whispered in my ear. “But I’m not gonna be her maid of honor. Let someone from Elevate do it.” She pulled back a bit. “That’s where they’re doing the wedding. Pastor Kevin’s church. The co-pastor’s going to do the ceremony.”
“I figured,” I told my daughter. They’d probably save money that way, but I didn’t add that part.
Savannah took her seat. “Thanks, Dad,” she said, staring at her sushi like she was seeing it for the first time. Probably she was. “I really, really needed that.”
“I did, too,” I said, realizing it only as the words came out of my mouth.
Savannah gave me a look. “What app were you talking about?” she asked. “You seemed really mad about it. What is Mom doing?”
Damn. I’d hoped she’d forgotten.
“I don’t remember the name,” I lied. “It’s like an MLM or something. She was trying to get me to subscribe to it a few days ago.”
Savannah groaned. “Ugh. Mom would get into that.”
The bullet had been dodged. Savannah bought it.
The conversation was lighter after that. Both of us remembered we had food on our plates, and we even managed to eat some of it. I was halfway through my eel roll when Savannah changed over to the other topic she’d clearly wanted to broach today.
“So…” she said, too casual by half. “Whatever happened to that girl you went out with? Josephine?”
The bite of eel nearly went down the wrong way. Josephine wasn’t a real person at all—she was the code name I’d come up with to hide the fact that it had been Bailey who’d showed up to my incognito rendezvous at the Armada Hotel. McKenna used to believe she existed; now she knew the truth.
Savannah didn’t.
Josephine snuck into my bed at two in the morning last night, I thought, clearing my throat. Josephine wants me to decide where and whether or not she gets to have an orgasm from now on.
Josephine wants to marry me.
“It… hasn’t really gone anywhere,” I said, making a face. “You know how online dating is.”
“You have to kiss a lot of frogs,” Savannah agreed, nodding seriously. Then she grinned. “Friday, though…”
“I am going out on Friday,” I admitted. “Yes."
“With Miki,” Savannah said, looking amused. “That still blows my mind. You’re going out with the girl who does Bailey and I’s nails.”
“She did my nails, too,” I said, fanning them.
Savannah snorted at that. “That still blows my mind, too,” she said. “I’m really glad you’re starting to come out of your shell, Dad.” Suddenly she looked stricken. “I don’t think I realized until you told me just how lonely it must have been after Mom left.”
I nodded, a catch in my throat. “And you… you don’t have a problem with it?”
She blinked. “With Miki? Really?"
The smile I gave my daughter turned a touch awkward. “I mean, she’s a little bit younger than I am…”
Savannah held up her hands. “I… okay, the college girl thing was a bit of a shock,” she admitted, laughing. “When me and Bailey and McKenna were telling you that you needed to start putting yourself out there again, I definitely pictured you with someone Mom’s age.”
My stomach twisted. “You did?”
“Yeah. But honestly, I’m totally okay with it. It sounds like you had a good time with Josephine, even if it didn’t pan out, and Miki… I mean, she’s a cool girl. She’s got her own business; she’s got a good head on her shoulders… she’s very mature for her age.”
“She definitely comes off that way to me,” I agreed.
“I just really think it’s important that the two of you are on the same page,” my daughter added quickly. “You know?”
“I’m not sure that I do.”