Chapter Nineteen
LOLA
I'm shaking. The thing is that I'm both satisfied and unsatisfied.
Me
Happy?
Alex
Very.
Of course, he is fucking happy, he is a guy.
But that is not why I'm unsatisfied.
I was close, so damn close to coming when Enzo texted.
There is fantasy and real life, and that was almost a lady boner killer.
Almost, because I had the fantasy on my computer.
I don't have a picture of Alex's face to gaze at, and I have searched Alex Blatt to no avail. Nothing came up.
Well, things did. Men did, but none of them was him. And yeah, Ruby would call me stupid for thinking that. She would be right.
I don't even know what he looks like, but there was the photo he sent. It felt real.
And all the Alexes I found didn't fit. Some were in the film industry behind the scenes. Others were married or too young. Or not the type of men who would ask me to skinny dip in a stranger's pool in a backyard in NY.
So, there was no Alex to look at, but there were photos of Enzo.
And I had that up on my computer in a corner as I listened and half-watched a movie while trying to read a book.
Not that I could concentrate before Alex texted.
..my mind was on him and the whole fantasy of the other night.
And because I had only one piece of eye candy, a piece he chose the other day, I wanted to masturbate to Enzo and think of Alex. ..and then he texted.
Does this make me some kind of whore?
"Sure, Lola, and it is nineteen fifty. Jesus."
I pause.
"Also, it's not like you're fucking a string of different men every night."
I frown. Not that it is bad when someone does that. More power to them. But that is just not me.
Christ, what am I going to do when we meet?
If we meet.
Are we going to meet?
I almost reach for my phone to ask when I snatch my hand back.
I'm not sure I want to.
Okay, I do, but I also don't because there is something delicious about this.
There is the sane part of me that knows I shouldn't like this, should be disturbed by his invasion of privacy under the guise of flowers. But I'm not.
That sane part is also turned on.
Alex
Should I be jealous at how hard you just came thinking of another guy?
Me
Thinking? I had a picture.
Alex
Daggers. That's what you're hurling at me. Hot, sexy daggers.
I giggle.
Me
Are daggers sexy?
Alex
They are if they come from you.
I lie down, unable to wipe the grin from my face.
The fact he is funny just makes him sexier. It makes me want him more.
I almost tell him that if he sent me a picture, I wouldn't have to use a proxy. But that just isn't the game we are playing.
Me
I thought that kind of thing turned you on.
Alex
Daggers?
Me
Those too.
Alex
Are you turning my voyeurism back on me?
Me
Maybe. And what do you know of daggers?
Alex
I told you, half a murder.
Me
So...?
It sounds utterly desperate, I know, but I can't help it.
Did he like it? And did it fulfill some part of his kinky set of fantasies?
I pull on my T-shirt, suddenly overwhelmed by the fact that I'm basically naked, as if it is a vulnerability. And I guess it is.
What I did was brazen, wild, thrilling, and not me. And I ran with it. But now?
My phone lights up, and my heart does too.
Alex
Daggers. Half murder. Do you need a diagram?
Me
Maybe I need a murder board.
Alex
Maybe you need more. Fuck, you're sexy.
Me
Me?
Alex
You. That whole rubbing one out session. Holy hell. It set fire to all kinds of desires in me. And you looked glorious. A vision.
My heart flits about, spinning, and his words are perfection. Not in execution, but in what they mean and how they reflect the same sentiments in me.
I try to find the right words to say it, and I want to try my hand in real life at being brazen, giving in to those base urges. And I want to be all the things he is trying to flatter me with.
My cheeks burn, and I put cool fingertips to them.
My phone lights up.
Alex
I think eventually just watching you, Lola, won't be enough for me. I will want more.
Me
But you don't now?
Alex
Never said that. I do. Of course, I do. And I will tell you this for nothing, I can't think straight when I watch you. What you did...if that's the start, then...wow. I think about fucking you All. The. Time.
I bite my lip. His words set those fires in my lower belly ablaze again.
Me
I have thought about it, too.
Alex
Really?
Me
Yeah, and maybe one day those fantasies can become a reality.
Alex
Let's talk more tomorrow. You have got work tomorrow, like me. Sweet dreams, Lola.
Me
Sweet dreams, Alex.
I put the phone down and close my eyes, my heart both light and heavy.
I meant what I said, only...unfortunately, I guess, for me, it is not just Alex I can't stop thinking about.
There is Enzo.
Anyone else, and I wouldn't care.
But Enzo? And like Alex, he is beginning to consume my thoughts, and it is confusing as all hell. Like, shouldn't I just be thinking about one and not both equally?
Truth is, from when I can remember, I have had a crush on Enzo. I have worked so hard to block it out. But here it is, big and ugly, and there in its truth.
But how on earth can I tell Alex that when I can barely tell that to myself? I know history has something to do with it all. It is why I can't tell Ruby.
But Alex knows some of it all. Some of why I wanted Enzo looked into.
Except, Enzo has whitewashed himself, just like I guess I whitewashed the crush from my own mind until Alex used him as fantasy fodder for us.
It is funny because I can't ever see Enzo doing a thing like stepping out of the way for someone else. Can't see him being the beta male Alex made him.
I try and put him in that role, out of fantasy and into real life.
It works in fantasy because fantasy Enzo in that scenario has nothing to do with real Enzo. In real life, Enzo is anything but beta.
When I was younger, the sun shone from him and lit up all the dark corners of my life. If I hurt my knee, Enzo was there. If I got forgotten when Dad was in his meetings with Enzo's father, Enzo would be there. And even then, he wasn't shy or retiring or a yes man... Well, yes boy.
He might have known when to be quiet, but he rebelled in his own way, and it made my heart throb.
Out of all the males in my orbit growing up, Enzo was different.
Or so I thought.
Because later, it all turned to shit.
Our families fell out, and everything changed.
I guess there was a time when I was old enough to think this much older teen liked me, but it was in my head.
Older teens didn't like girls my age, and I think when Enzo walked out of my life when his father did, it broke my heart.
The worst part was I don't even think he realized.
He was just being dutiful to a kid.
Yeah, it broke my heart, and I worked hard to erase it because while it might not have meant a thing to him, he was my world, the one constant that made me safe, happy, and feeling like a princess.
More than that, though...
He was someone I was always able to say what was on my mind to, and he would speak the truth too.
Alex is, I suddenly realize, a lot like Enzo. Those sweet moments, the teasing, and even the flirting that can make a girl soar without the words having sexual or romantic meanings to them.
Holy shit. Alex is like I remember Enzo.
But better.
Because Alex is real.
I get up, breathing fast and deep. The whole revelation is too much.
I'm hot and bothered, and I need a shower.
The knowledge that Alex has cameras really should bother me, but it thrills and excites me, and in this, I'm sure he is unlike Enzo.
But I have work tomorrow, and so does, no doubt, Alex. I need to wind down, not up, and go to bed.
I start heading to the bathroom, then I stop.
Does Alex have...
Fuck. What if he has my bathroom decked out in cameras?
But no, I don't think he would have a camera in there.
I turn, though, and grab a stool, dragging it in. I climb on it, peeking up into different corners, pulling the stool from one side of the small bathroom to the other.
Nothing.
I'm an idiot.
With a determined breath, I drag the stool back to the kitchen area, and once I'm back in the bathroom, I turn on the shower.
"If he has something in here, let him enjoy the show."
And I laugh, stripping off.
He is not going to spy in here. My place is small enough to have a camera in the bedroom...and one at the door.
I had my dinky one set up in there first so I could see in case someone broke in, but then I moved it to the living room and the door.
After all, if someone was going to break in, they wouldn't scale the building from the street. They would be seen. No, they would come in through the doors, following someone into the building.
But I don't want to think about break-ins and criminals. Instead, I stand under the water, letting it sluice down in hot rivulets, and I soak my hair, then shampoo and condition. Next, I put some body wash on my sponge and start to lather.
If someone was going to watch me, I would want it to be both Enzo and Alex. Enzo so he just might regret what he doesn't have, and Alex to yearn for what he could.
As I wash, I take my time massaging my breasts, tugging lightly on my nipples as I follow with my free hand. The soft roughness of the sponge followed by the smooth slide of my hand is exquisite.
Somehow, it becomes both their hands on me as I close my eyes and wash downwards, between my legs, parting my thighs and sliding the sponge there. A rough tongue as someone pushes their tongue into my mouth and another man bites on my nipples.
I drop the sponge as my fingers smooth over my folds, one slipping into me as the other hand plays and strokes my clit.
It doesn't matter which one it is. Alex. Enzo. They interchange in my mind, touching, stroking, sandwiching me between them as they take turns feasting on me, taking turns going down on me and sucking on my outer lips, on my clit.
And then, as I add another finger, they both prep me. One of them plays with my asshole, pushing a finger into me, rocking me between them as they stretch me and enter me and—
"Oh, fuck."
I shudder as contractions hit me hard, deep waves of orgasmic bliss washing over my body.
When I'm done, I'm shaking, weak, and my legs give way.
I slide down to the tiled floor, breathing hard, the water needling against me.
Holy hell. What the...?
Alex. I blame him for unleashing this in me.
For using Enzo in the first place.
And I blame Enzo for texting me when he did. If he hadn't inserted himself into my life at that moment when I was weak and vulnerable and on the verge of coming, I wouldn't have gone here, would I?
Would I?
Shit. I don't know. All I know is it doesn't matter.
Enzo is my boss, and anyway, even if he wasn't, and if there really was something there, our past would make him off-limits.
I stay under the water on the ground until the water turns cold.