Chapter Twenty-Three
LOLA
I sit back, frustrated.
There is nothing that I can find leading to what happened between my family and Enzo's in the boxes I have.
I'm not sure what I expected... A giant bow around something with a nice tag saying 'The Truth'?
This is just stuff that is old, along with some of the things returned by the authorities. Nothing here at all.
And as I get up and cross to the kitchen, pouring myself a glass of water, I'm even more confused. Because all my memories are good ones, until they are not.
The thing is, I didn't pay attention to business. I don't even think business was done in front of me, and Dad wouldn't choose me to confide in. He never did.
Business was always separate.
It explains why I was genuinely in the dark when the authorities questioned me and why I wasn't ground into dust by them. Dad kept me safe by keeping me ignorant. Because in all this, ignorance equaled innocence.
Of course, just knowing what he happened to do and putting the pieces together of the type of people he worked for and apparently ripped off doesn't even begin to answer the question of why the rift.
Money?
Did Dad steal money from the Marinos?
But when that falling out happened, it was so long before he took his own life that I can't see that. In fact, I can't see Mr. Marino letting someone get away with ripping him off. And he never struck me as a man who liked revenge cold or even tepid.
"Back to the drawing board, but with extra helpings of confusion," I mutter, rinsing the glass and putting it in the rack.
I honestly don't know why it is suddenly important for me to uncover the truth. It might have been the catalyst, but Dad took his own life, that is the harsh truth. And even if I knew...would it matter? The past is the past, and Dad is still dead.
I miss him.
The money, the lavish life meant nothing much to me then, and I really don't miss it at all now.
Finances are harder where they didn't ever cross my mind back then. But counting pennies and frugality is easy enough to adjust to.
It won't even be forever.
I finally have a job, and now that Silas's report is in, I'm not leaving. Not unless he finds something else that makes it impossible to stay.
Like Enzo.
Last night was good, surprisingly good, and I felt like we had gotten closer, like tiny breezes carrying the scent of years ago with it. That's what it was like.
I kept catching moments of how we once were as kids, and my childhood crush would thump down on me at odd moments throughout the dinner.
The crush was so innocent. The thoughts in my head and what I have been doing to pictures and thoughts of him? Not so much.
So, maybe what I need to do is save up when I pay off the debts I have and then look slowly for something else.
Just to remove myself completely.
Nothing can happen with Enzo, of course, whether he is my boss or not. Not that there is a thing.
I laugh.
Here I am, having a different set of fantasies about him. Fantasies about not having a relationship like that ever being a possibility.
It wasn't. It isn't. There is nothing there.
It is all hormonal lust on my side and ignorant bliss on his.
Ignorant because this non-existent, non-starter non-relationship is in my head, and he has no feelings about me either way.
But my heart starts to thump because...there have been looks.
Maybe one or two.
Glances from him when he doesn't think I catch him.
Last night, I ran off before he could do anything, if he was going to do anything, but he was definitely fishing about a boyfriend.
And if I had flirted back, teased him about a girlfriend?
Would he have made a move?
Kissed me?
In my mind, I can see him making that move.
But if he did, would I still have run like Cinderella?
I rub my forehead. I know I like him as a person, despite the fact that I should hate him.
Sure, he has an arrogance that can come through when he is...
When he is what? I have seen it, I know he has been arrogant with me when he made me move upstairs, when he jumped on my case, when he barked orders at me. But he can be a good guy.
He clearly loves his sister, Lyndall.
And he makes time for the staff. He doesn't flirt with the women or make inappropriate comments like half the male staff.
I know because Ruby complains, and so do a few others.
Enzo didn't even make the new phone weird.
And while a part of me might wonder about a kiss if I had flirted back, he didn't make the dinner anything but the sharing of food.
"No, the only one making it anything is you. Dumb, Lola. Real dumb."
Then I wonder, maybe his father has the answers.
I doubt the man would ever speak to me, and I can't see me and him ever being friends in any way, shape, or form, but.
..if I can change my mind about Enzo, if I can make it so that I'm willing to hear what Mr. Marino might have to say, maybe the Marino family can change how they think of me.
I'm not my father.
And he is dead.
"Great," I mutter, "now I want to be friends with Enzo's family."
I don't, but turning pages is something I'm very much interested in.
While it is clear to me that my research skills, online and off, need real work, my efforts to squash frustration through exercise do not. I do a Pilates routine, followed by a kettlebell workout online that leaves me sweaty and feeling like I have accomplished something.
I shower, making it quick, not wanting to start thinking about Enzo in there again. After all, when it is all said and done, he is my boss, regardless of whether we once knew each other.
But I shut those thoughts down because I don't need to get a different kind of hot and sweaty, and I don't need to open up all those paths that lead to nothing but frustration about the fallout with our fathers.
I make a salad for dinner and go through the streaming service I have to find a movie to watch or a series to binge when my phone pings.
My heart soars and loops, and my libido throbs with energy.
Alex.
Alex
Hey.
Me
Hey back.
Alex
It is Saturday night, and you're in. Again.
Me
So are you.
Alex
I never said where I was.
I roll my eyes and type.
Me
Me either.
Alex
Sorry, Lola, you gave the game away with the "so are you."
This time, I laugh.
Me
Your evening must be going really well if you're texting me.
Alex
Maybe I'm hedging my bets.
I glare at the phone, heart still buoyed.
He is teasing, but two can play at that, and I put the salad down, get up, and find the dusty bottle of wine I bought a few months back as a splurge.
It is a twist top, so I open it and pour it into a glass and make my way back to the living area. The first sip is shudder-inducing.
Wine isn't a subject I know much about, and I was going to just cook with this, so I chose cab sav and cheap.
It is not the best drinking wine, a little thin on the tongue, but it will do.
For some reason, I feel like this is something just for me.
I settle back, and, of course, he is waiting for my response. I take another sip, stretching out his waiting time a little more, aware he could be watching me.
It crosses my mind that I should probably tell him he needs to check with me before he tunes into channel Lola, but there is no fun in that.
And I think I like the idea that he can peek at me whenever he wants.
It makes my pussy throb.
I blow out a breath, more than aware I'm a little insane, getting turned on by a man whose face I don't know, have never seen.
His body, though...
Now that is a different story.
Me
I will leave you to your bets. Mine are rolling in.
I wait. I wait some more, but he doesn't bite.
Alex
They must be compelling bets if you're talking to me.
Me
Maybe I have a date.
Alex
You have a date as much as I do.
Triumph flares.
Me
So, two?
Alex
If I had a date, I wouldn't be talking to you. The only date I have this Sat is work. Boring as shit work.
Me
I'm the distraction?
Alex
And the absolute highlight, Lola. I promise. Why date some boring female when I can talk to you?
And just like that, I turn into throbbing mush.
My heart melts, and my clit hums and throbs with need. All in all, I'm some kind of mess.
I take a bigger swallow of the wine.
Me
Really?
Alex
Why would I be taking a break from working on a Saturday night if you weren't all that?
Oh, God, I want to believe, I really do.
Butterflies dance and flit in my stomach.
Me
I thought your work was boring.
Alex
Important can be boring. You're not. Boring.
Me
Be still my heart.
Alex
I could ask you what you're up to.
Me
Or maybe you know.
Suddenly, my heart starts to gallop.
Is he watching?
Alex
Maybe I do. Does that bother you, that I could look at you whenever I wanted?
Me
I should say it is creepy and invasive.
Alex
Definitely.
Me
But I'm not going to.
Alex
That's not you saying it's not creepy and invasive.
Me
I know. It's definitely invasive.
Alex
But?
I suck in a breath.
Me
But I'm not saying I don't like it.
He is quiet a long time, to the point I refill my glass, suddenly filled with restless energy. But when I sit again and go to pick up the salad, my phone pings and lights up again.
Alex
Sorry. I really am working. Taking a small break, though. So...you like it?
Me
I think so.
Shit. I take the plunge.
Me
Yes.
Are you looking at me now?
Alex
Where's the fun in that, Lola? Letting you know what I'm doing? Tell me what your dirtiest fantasy is.
I freeze. Not because I don't have them, but because his watching might be the dirtiest because of the possibilities. But that is new. Then there is the shower fantasy.
Me
Sometimes, I like the fantasy of a gangbang.
Alex
Bullshit fantasy. As in, everyone probably has that in their cache. Straight guys either like the idea of pounding one girl, but I think it's more about being fucked by a group of girls. The straight girl's fantasy will be of the latter reversed.
I rear back a little.
Me
Sorry if my fantasy's so pedestrian.
Alex
There's zero wrong with it. It's hot. The idea of being the one everyone wants. The taboo for a girl to have all the cock all at once. But I mean something deep, like a kink if you have them. For instance, being watched is a kink.
Me
I'm new at all this.
Alex
Virgins fantasize.
Me
There's the fantasy of being forced.
Alex
So you can do everything you want to do but don't know how to ask for it without repercussions. Do you have rape fantasies?
Me
No.
Alex
It's control. Forced through control. You know the person, and you give them everything. Do you like me watching or the idea of being told what to do by text?
A shiver races through me.
Me
Yes.
Alex
My dirtiest fantasy is finding a girl who will go down that rabbit hole of control, denial, and sense deprivation.
Me
What does that mean?
Alex
The extreme is cutting you off from everything but touch, movement included.
Me telling you to, say, imagine your boss prepping you for me, and then me telling you how I will fuck you while you touch yourself is the softer end.
We could do blindfold and touch. We could do blindfold, voice, and touch.
Oh, does this sound delicious and dirty and so wrong it feels right, like a missing piece is slotting into place.
Me
What do you mean we?
Alex
Going out on a limb here, but I think you should explore these fantasies if they turn you on, but with someone you trust, someone you have done some things with. Someone I think you're attracted to.
Me.
I want to push your limits. Test mine. Indulge in you.
A cold grip surrounds me for a moment. But then I gather my thoughts.
I want this. I have already done things with him. Still...
Me
Isn't this me inviting you, a stranger, to assault me?
Alex
Rape fantasy can be part of it, but this is control and giving up yours to me. Which we have dabbled in. It's up to you, of course, Lola. And we'd have a safe word—Blue Banana.
Me
I hate bananas.
Alex
Weirdo. But that works, especially with the word blue. You will remember it.
Me
What if I'm not sure in the middle of something?
Alex
Banana. Blue Banana will mean stop. Just banana will mean slow down.
I try to steady my breathing and take another big swallow of the wine.
Alex
It'd be in-person non-con roleplaying or just control roleplaying.
He did say non-con and control go hand in hand. And we have sort of played around over the phone, him watching...
Me
Yes.
The moment I hit send, it suddenly gets hard to breathe.
I want to explore this newly unearthed dark side of me, but...oh, Lord.
Me
Maybe.
Alex
You don't need to decide right now. I laid a lot on you, Lola.
Don't make up your mind now. Sleep on it. Remember, there'd be a safe word, and you will always have a way out. Blue Banana will always mean Blue Banana, got that?
Me
No always means no.
Alex
Yes, but the safe word is no. No when playing has no meaning to me. Only Blue Banana.
Me
Blue Banana means no.
Alex
You got it.
A strange relief spreads through me.
There is an out, and so far, he has done nothing to hurt me or to trap me. He could have lured me into a dangerous situation at any time and done horrible things. He didn't.
Beyond that, my instincts say to trust him.
I text him back.
Me
I'm in.
Alex
Text me that again in the morning, and I will believe you. Now I have to get back to work. Sweet dreams tonight, Lola.
Me
Sweet dreams and get that work done.
I smile.
I know I don't need to wait until morning.
Because I meant it.
I'm in.