Chapter 25 Riley
TWENTY-FIVE
RILEY
What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck. What did I just do? Why did I do that? Oh, because I'm a horny slut for August Thompson. I kissed him. Again!
I ran out of there the minute I heard the knock on the door, thinking it was an employee, but nope. It was James. James of all people.
I'm still power walking. My head is in a tizzy, and I think I rode my bike here, but I'm speed walking like I'm in the Olympics. Dramatic hip movements and all.
I knew the moment I straddled myself right on his lap, I was done for. Regular Riley left the building, and Rowdy Riley sat down and enjoyed the ride. I don't know what came over me. I don't normally dry hump. It's more of a dine-and-dash when I'm with someone.
But with August? Going with that approach is something I think I will never recover from. It was so good, and I hate how much I enjoyed it. It was a rush.
Stop. Stop it right now, Riley. You do not want to sleep with your once-best friend. Better yet, your best friend’s brother.
When I hit the front door of my building, I take out my phone while running up the stairs.
Me: SOS SOS SOS
Ellie: !!! what?!
Addie:
Me: emergency movie night
Addie: ahhh! Yay! My favorite!
Me: Addie so help me, my life is on the line and you're over there hooting and hollering.
Hailey: always so dramatic
Ellie: I’ll see you at my place. Bring the usual!
An hour later, we're gathered in Ellie's living room. Cozy clothes on, Miss Congeniality playing in the background, and loads of pizza, wine, and seltzer water.
"Here you go, ladies," Rowan announces, walking into the room. He puts a big plate full of chocolate chip cookies in front of us.
Addie, Hailey, and I look at him. We are aware of the cookie incident that occurred last year—the one where Ellie tried teaching him how to bake and failed.
"I promise they're good,” Ellie says. “Incredible even. I think he's surpassed my cookies.”
"That's impossible." Addie grabs one and takes a bite out of it. "Holy shit. She wasn't joking."
Addie examines it and eats the rest.
Rowan crosses his arms, seeming awfully pleased with himself.
"Thank you, honey," Ellie says and takes a cookie.
He bends down to kiss her head. “Alright, I'm off to the brewery. Let me know if you guys need anything.”
Biscuit is sleeping in my arms, and I pet his fluffy, golden fur. Addie grabs a bottle of red wine, the corkscrew squeaking, and then a satisfying pop. She pours a glass for herself, then offers me some. I shake my head.
I need to be stone-cold sober for this conversation.
"So, what's going on?" Addie asks, putting down the bottle.
Hailey picks it up after her, picking up her glass, and filling it to the brim. I eye it, making sure it won't overflow because it's happened before and has ruined carpets.
"Riley?" Ellie says.
Before going into panic mode and texting all the girls to meet up, I didn’t quite think about what I would say to them. Or how I’m not trying to give my best friend nightmares about what me and her brother did.
My mouth goes dry.
"I have a small problem," I squeak out.
“And that problem being.” Hailey circles her hand lazily for me to go on.
“A guy.”
"I hear that." Hailey salutes with her glass.
"What guy? Who is he? Do we know him? How did you meet him?" Addie doesn't breathe until the last question.
"You don't know him." I swallow around the lump in my throat.
"What does he look like?" Addie asks after taking a drink of her wine.
I tap my chin before I place my hand back on Biscuit's furry belly. “Brunette, blue eyes, tall.”
“And we really don’t know him?” Ellie asks.
Twisting my lips to the side, I hesitate, just for the briefest moment. “Nope.”
"Boring," Hailey drawls.
I scoff. "Shut up."
"Okay, so what's the issue?" Ellie chimes in.
“The issue is my feelings for the guy are getting a little out of hand. I’ve liked him for a while now. I saw him earlier today and one thing led to another, and we started kissing and—” I glance at Ellie. “Other stuff happened.”
"What exactly is the problem?” Addie asks before finishing her drink and pouring more right after. “Sounds like you really enjoyed it, even if it was something as small as that.”
"The problem is that I don’t do relationships. You guys know this. They’re too complicated."
Everything I did for him today, everything I wanted to do for him, I made sure that it would help him in the long run. I'm sure his dad wouldn't mind making a few changes so August feels more confident in his ability to run the store.
He was thrown into taking care of it all by himself. There wasn’t a consistent routine, and that's something I learned about ADHD when I researched. Consistency is key. It was also suggested to organize—which is my favorite—by using planners, spreadsheets, and calendars.
I organized the hell out of the folders that I created in the drive for him and his dad. Deep down, I enjoyed every minute of it. I was in my happy place. Organizing clears my mind because I'm focused on one thing and I'm in my element. It's the same with yoga.
I gave in to the temptation. But was it a mistake? I can't go backward and stop both kisses from happening. I’m digging myself into a hole that I’ll eventually be stuck in. So, how do I move forward? What are the next steps I need to take so I don’t screw this up again?
If I feel vulnerable, I hide it. I’ve learned to tuck it away and not bother anyone about it. Especially Mom. I’ve had a few instances of vulnerability with her, and I received no type of emotional support from her.
Each time, I hoped that she’d care or try to help. Sometimes I still do. Sometimes I wish she were the Mom I’ve always wanted. But right now, I need to give in to that vulnerability with my friends.
"What exactly do you want us to tell you?” Hailey asks. “Ignore him and never see him again?"
"Or," Addie adds, "go with whatever your heart is telling you and listen to it."
"Obviously, her heart is telling her to run like hell if she likes doing something like that."
Hailey and Addie go back and forth, but from the corner of my eye, I can sense Ellie staring at me. Maybe she’s putting the pieces together. Oh, fuck. I forgot I ran into her at the shop. That was only two hours ago.
Maybe she won’t. For all she knows, this could be about any other guy in the world and not her brother.
She gets up and goes into the kitchen. I take a sleepy Biscuit and put him on the couch. Getting up, I follow Ellie while Hailey and Addie continue talking, each trying to outsmart the other.
Ellie starts to clean the kitchen.
“You okay?” I ask cautiously.
“Yeah, why?” She wipes off crumbs from the counter, peering at me and then back to the counter.
“I don’t know. You were staring at me a couple minutes ago like I stole the last cookie off the plate.”
She stops what she’s doing and narrows her gaze at me. “I should really work on my facial expressions.”
The tension breaks with a laugh from the two of us, but that quickly dies down. Addie and Hailey have jumped to another topic, something about what the best cheese is.
“So, are you going to tell me who this guy is?” Ellie pries.
My stomach twists with nerves, and I try to shake them off. I force my body to relax and not pay attention to the beating of my heart.
I pull a chair out from the kitchen table and sit down, then strum my fingers on the table. “What else is there to know?”
I hate keeping this from my best friend, but how am I supposed to talk to her about her brother? The thought of her being mad that I have feelings for him is heavy.
Ellie closes the dishwasher and looks at me from across the kitchen. There isn’t a hint of anger or disappointment in her eyes. Yet I still feel sick to my stomach for what I’m about to admit to her.
“Please don’t be mad at me.” The voice in me is meek and scared. “I don’t want to lose our friendship over this.”
She tilts her head, and with a puzzled expression. Her eyebrows pinch together so close that they almost become a unibrow.
“I would never leave you over some guy. I mean, if he’s a piece of shit, then that’d be a different type of conversation. Is he a piece of shit?”
“No.” I shake my head. “He’s far from it. He makes me feel… safe. I can be vulnerable around him, and you know I don’t like being vulnerable.”
“Wow.” Ellie rocks back and forth before she shuffles toward the table to sit down next to me. “Sounds like he’s a great guy.”
He’s more than a great guy. He’s compassionate, patient, supportive, and forgiving. Someone I’d be incredibly lucky to have as a partner.
She pokes me in my ribs. “So, are you gonna tell me who it is?”
I cover my face in my hands and decide to tell her without looking her in the eyes because I can’t handle more disappointment. Through a low, muffled voice, I say, “August.”
“I’m sorry, what was that?”
I spread my index and middle fingers, and her legs scoot closer toward me. And again, I keep my hands on my face and say, “August.”
A few seconds pass by until I hear a snort. I uncover my eyes.
Ellie looks amused. A little bit too amused for my liking. Why isn’t she yelling? Why isn’t she scolding me? Oh god, she must think this is some joke I’ve come up with.
My hands fall onto my lap as my body slumps. “Why are you laughing?”
“I’m not dumb, Ry.”
“I didn’t say that!” I throw my arms up in defense.
“Then why are you surprised at my reaction?”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I hear footsteps come up from behind me.
“What’s going on?” Addie asks.
“Riley likes August.” Ellie gets up from the table and goes to the fridge, grabbing more snacks.
I gasp and scoff at the same time while my mouth hangs wide open. “Ellie, you can’t just tell people.”
“I already knew that,” Hailey says.
I drop my hand on the table, making a thud sound, and deadpan. “Seriously?” I turn to Addie.
She picks at the cheese and crackers Ellie places on the table. “Oh, yeah, I knew that.”
Hailey pops a cheese cube in her mouth. “I can’t believe it took this long for you to kiss.”
“How are you guys not freaking out?” I’m so confused. All my nerves melt away instantly, but they’re replaced with bewilderment. Shaking my head, I turn to Ellie, who sits down next to me. “Hold on. This doesn’t bother you? You’re not freaked out that I kissed your brother?”
Ellie grimaces. Well, at least she gave me one of the reactions I was waiting for. “I mean, it’s fucking weird, but you do you. I can’t tell you what to do.”
Am I in the Twilight Zone?
“Okay.” I drag out the word. “I’m still confused. Why is this no surprise to you guys?”
Ellie sucks in air through her teeth and scrunches her nose. Oh god, what now? My leg starts to bounce; I’m too antsy to sit still. I stand up and start to pace slowly around the kitchen when Ellie finally speaks.
“Okay, you can’t get mad at me.” She puts her hands up.
I narrow my eyes. “What did you do?”
She purses her lips. “I may have overheard you guys the night August told you he liked you.”
“What?” Hailey and Addie say in unison.
“Whoa, hold on,” Addie says, raising one hand. “When did this happen? Why didn’t we know?”
I look at Addie. “Well, how did you know about how I felt?”
“Riley,” Hailey says with a bored expression. “We see the way you undress him with your eyes. Don’t act innocent.”
“And you bite your lip every time he’s around,” Addie says. “What’s with that?”
“I do not!” I stomp my foot. “Wait.” I point to Ellie. “What do you mean you were there that night? That was like—twelve years ago. And you’re now just telling me this?”
My head feels like it’s spinning in a washing machine. What I thought was a secret, something between just me and August, was apparently obvious to the entire world. Does this mean I need to work on my poker face? This is exactly why I don’t play poker.
“It wasn’t my place to bring it up. I was waiting for you to say something.” She picks up a piece of cheese. “Didn’t think it’d take this long…”
My jaw clenches. “What exactly did you hear?”
That night—the night that August told me he loved me—it was a lot. Our emotions had been heightened. I can still feel his hands cradling my face, his eyes turning glassy when I tell him that I don’t love him.
When I grabbed onto his wrists and pulled his hands away from my face, telling him it would never work. That I’m not right for him. My biggest fear was that he’d eventually see what I see in myself.
Broken. Unworthy of love.
I used up so much of my love and emotions toward Mom, waiting for her to give me the same, that I became tired. How was I supposed to give August more of that? I put so much energy into convincing myself that Mom would wake up one day and realize what she needs to fix.
I became empty.
“You told my brother you didn’t feel the same way and for him to move on because it would never happen,” Ellie mumbles like she’s embarrassed.
Anxiety forms in my stomach. Pressure builds in my eyes, creating tears that I’ve kept in for so long.
“I’m sorry,” I force out.
Ellie stands from her chair and walks over to me, grabbing my hands. “Why would you be sorry?”
A small whimper escapes from me. “For breaking your brother's heart. And you had to witness it. I’m surprised you still wanted to be friends with me after that.”
“Stop,” Ellie whispers before wrapping her arms around me. “You did nothing wrong. I understand why you did what you did.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I force out words that I’ve never said aloud. “I love him.”
“I know.” She squeezes tighter.
“I’m scared.”
She pulls away, and Addie and Hailey watch, letting me speak without giving their two cents like they usually do.
“Why?” Ellie asks. “You know my brother adores you.”
“Yeah, and that’s the problem. What if I’m not cut out to be in a relationship?” I blink and look up, forcing my tears to stop. “What if my love for him isn’t enough?”
“You don’t know that. For all you know, you can be an amazing girlfriend. Stop questioning your worth,” Ellie says like it’s so simple.
I turn my attention to Hailey, and she’s already looking back at me. I don’t need to ask her what she’s thinking or wants to say.
“At least you finally admitted your feelings about him to yourself,” Addie says in a hopeful voice.
I can’t help but chuckle. “Yeah, it only took me twelve years.”
“Plus,” Ellie says. “It’d be kind of cool to have you as a sister-in-law.”
I stare at Ellie and gasp. “Wait. Were you purposefully leaving me and August alone at certain times? The plane ride back home?”
Ellie snickers “Come on.” She grabs my hand, and I follow. “We can all use another drink.”