Chapter 36 Riley
THIRTY-SIX
RILEY
I'm back in August's living room, and I don’t know exactly what to do. I've seen him like this before. Standoffish. Quiet. Not only is he dealing with family stuff and the shop, but I’ve piled on top of that.
The house is so quiet, I can hear the wind blowing outside. The stinging on my hands—red and blotchy with scratches all over—is hitting me.
I feel around my head and pull out a couple of the twigs from my hair. The sound of drawers opening and closing comes from down the hall. August doesn't look at me when he returns. Instead, he walks past me and places everything he has on the wooden coffee table.
“Are you gonna sit down?”
“August—”
“Riley—just please sit down so I can clean you up.” He sits on the couch and plays around with cotton balls, Band-Aids, and peroxide.
My mouth is suddenly dry, and all the confrontational energy that was with me outside in front of the door has disappeared. It blew away the minute my foot went over the line and into the house. I sit on the cushion next to him and stay quiet.
August holds out his hand, waiting for me to place mine in his. When I do, my eyes close the moment he holds on. Everything around me slows down: my breathing, my heartbeat, my nerves.
"Shit.” The burning sensation on my hand is sharp and deep.
He rubs a small cotton ball on the red, irritated cut on my palm. "Sorry.”
I focus on his hand cleaning the cut and then chance it when I glance at him. There’s zero emotion on his face. Not even concentration. He’s still and silent when he switches the dirty cotton for a clean one.
"August.”
He doesn't respond or look at me. His hands continue to clean mine.
"Are you angry with me?" I whisper. I get nothing out of him. Absolutely nothing. "I'm sorry, August. I’m just confused. We’ve only talked once since… everything.”
"So, you haven't been ignoring me?" He cocks an eyebrow and then tosses the cotton ball on the table. Grabbing a Band-Aid, he places one on each cut. When he's done with that, he grabs one last cotton ball, pouring peroxide on it, and looks up at me. "Don't move."
The coolness from the liquid hits me, my skin soaking it in, and the slow burn starts to build up. I squeeze my eyes shut. A tiny, cool breeze brushes past the cut and when I open my eyes, August's lips are pursed as he slowly blows on it to calm it down.
He stares at the cut, and I stare at his lips. I lift my eyes to look at him. He’s still focused on the cut. The lighting in his house makes his eyes appear like the night sky.
"Alright. All done." He pulls back, giving me no attention, and cleans up the table.
I go back to his question. "I wasn't ignoring you. I mean, not in the way you probably think… I wasn’t expecting any of it. And then in the morning.”
August braces his elbows on both knees and keeps his focus forward. He nods his head. The tiniest nod you wouldn't notice if you weren't staring at him the way I am.
I push my hair behind my ears and then place my hands between my legs. My gaze stays on him. "Please say something."
"What do you want me to say? You want me to say that I was confused when I entered an empty apartment? That I felt used?"
A razor-sharp pain shoots through my chest, and my heart shatters at those words. That’s the last thing I ever want him to think. Never in a million years would I do that to him. "I didn't use you."
"Then why did you leave? Were you embarrassed because you slept with me? The one person you purposefully pushed away for years. The one person who was always there for you, no matter what."
"I left because of you." I point to him, confused.
He left. I left because he was gone, I was embarrassed, and I ran to Hailey. I open my mouth to continue, but he gets to it first.
"I get it. It was a one-time thing, and we're going to go back to the way it was. Bullshit banter and pretending not to like each other. You want that? Then that's fine by me." He starts to pace the room.
My head lifts to watch his every movement. My heart picks up at the thought of not having him, the thought of him pushing me away this time. This is how he felt. This is how he felt that night I told him I didn't love him.
I don't fight the tears. That raw emotion lifting in my chest and to my throat. “You left!”
He stops, his brows knitted, mouth agape. “What? I didn’t leave.”
Folding my arms across my chest, I start to build that wall back up from the frustration of this entire situation. “I woke up, and you were gone.”
He strides up to me, holding up his hands, closing his eyes like he’s thinking about his next words. “I didn’t leave you.”
I stammer. “What do you mean?”
“I went downstairs to get us coffee. I left you a note. You’re telling me you never saw the piece of paper I left you on your coffee table?”
My mind wanders back to that hectic morning. I was occupied with getting my clothes, feeling overwhelmed by everything, and needing someone to talk to. With focusing on the bakery and classes at the studio, I’m barely home, and when I am, I walk straight to my bed and sleep.
Life has been chaotic. I didn’t stop to breathe or think. I assumed the worst because that’s what I do.
August releases a shaky breath, the small sound cutting through my thoughts. Glassy eyes stare at me, the heavy blue reminding me of a hurricane. “I can’t do this again.”
“What?” I feel my heart drop in my stomach.
“Whatever this is.” He gestures between us.
“I told you that I love you, and you left. I know now that it wasn’t the same situation this time, but when you were gone, it took me back to that night.
I thought maybe you needed to be by yourself and think about what I said.
But the next day.” He shakes his head before inhaling a deep breath and blowing it out.
“You acted like there was never anything between us. Not even a friendship.”
All I can do is stand here, because I’m afraid that if I try to speak, all that will come out is a sob. I clench my fists at my side. There’s a lodge in my throat. I’m reminded of a time when my self-esteem was at its lowest.
I was accepted into college, going for my finance degree, and Mom was telling me there was no point in going. I’m better off marrying a man who will take care of me. She didn’t believe I could achieve anything big in my life.
Do you really think that’s the right choice for you? Why finance? There’s no point, the degree will be useless.
After that, I ran to August, already overwhelmed with emotions. I needed him.
His throat bobs. “I thought you loved me. I was wrong, wasn’t I?”
I open my mouth slightly but then close it. "I—" All I can do is look at him. I've lost my voice. My mouth opens again, but nothing comes out.
“Yes, or no? Did you ever love me?”
“I—did love you.” At this moment, I’m small and vulnerable. But this is a different kind of vulnerability that I feel with him. This isn’t me coming to him with a problem outside of him. This is about him. My lips quiver, and my hands ball into fists.
There’s no surprise or shock on his face. He’s always known that and he isn’t stupid. He was waiting for me to say it all this time. But I think this was his breaking point after everything.
“So why push me away? And don’t say it’s because of your mom or parents. You can’t use them as an excuse forever.”
“Because.” Annoyance coating over the word.
“Because what? Because you’re not the person I thought you were? You’re worried that I’ll find something I haven’t seen yet and decide you aren’t worth all of it?”
“I’m not going to be the person you need me to be if we’re together. I’ll be too busy wondering if I’m doing everything right, if you’re still happy, or if you’re sick of me. I’ll be waiting for you to leave.”
“Riley, I’ve stayed by your side for years without you asking me to. You really think I’m going to leave you?”
I can’t help comparing myself to everyone else around me. All the energy I have, I use to make sure people want to keep me around. I’ve done everything I could when it came to Mom and that hasn’t changed at all.
I have nothing left in me.
“There’s someone out there that doesn’t have all this baggage, okay? You’ll get tired of having to prove your love to me because I’ll never think I’m good enough. Trust me, I’ve been doing it with my mom for a very long time. Eventually, you’ll give up.”
“You never gave us a chance,” he shouts, gesturing between the two of us. “Do you regret what we did?”
“No,” I utter, folding my arms across my chest and looking away.
“Then let’s give this a chance. Let’s give us a chance.” He walks toward me, pulling at my wrists to hold my hands.
If I were to let us have this, I could only imagine the things Mom would say. Probably that she’s surprised a guy like August would want to be with someone like me. I know I shouldn’t care, but she has this grip on me.
“I need more time.”
August clenches his jaw, inhaling through his nose, probably holding back what he really wants to say. “I’ve waited long enough. Either take this chance now, or we move on completely.”
Well, I wasn’t expecting that.
“Did you just give me an ultimatum? You’re joking?” I let go of him, taking a step backward.
“If that’s what I need to do in order for me to move on.” He crosses his arms.
We stand there in uncomfortable silence while I go back and forth in my head wondering whether I should take the leap and see where things could go. But there’s this small voice in my head telling me that I need to figure things out with Mom before I can let myself move forward.
“Riley,” August says.
“I—I need some time to fix things, with my mom.”
August tips back his head and his shoulders shake in laughter when he looks back at me. He grabs the nape of his neck and sighs. “Okay, there’s my answer, I guess.” He walks around me and turns past the front door and down the hall.
“Where are you going?” I shout, following him.
“I’m going to bed.” He turns to look at me. “Have a good night.”
The sound of his door shutting echoes through the hall and I stand there, staring at it.