Perilous Healing 2
CHAPTER 2
BIANCA: PRESENT DAY
B ody slick with sweat, I take out the frustrations of yet another sleepless night on the heavy bag swinging before me. I don’t know why I’m surprised, it’s not like I’ve had a solid night of sleep in, well, ever.
A childhood of nightmares blossomed into an adulthood of the same.
Round and around we go.
“You’re here early.”
I stop hitting the bag and turn to face Michael Anderson. I’ve known the man for years, and a long time ago there were moments when I thought I’d been in love with him. Of course, I wasn’t. He was just the first man who’d ever been kind to me without wanting something else in return .
Now we’re close friends and co-workers, and he’s happily married to a woman I absolutely adore.
“Wanted to get a work-out in before the meeting this morning.”
He arches a brow. “Wanna try that again?”
I should have known better. We served together overseas, with me as a medic who saved his life on more than one occasion. I know that he struggles with the weight of his past, too, though I imagine being married to his high school sweetheart has lessened a bit of it.
The two of them are perfect for each other and if I ever hoped for that kind of connection, I might be jealous. “I couldn’t sleep. But that’s nothing new.” Not one for vulnerability, I turn back toward the bag and slam my fist into it.
Michael comes around and holds the bag for me as I slam my fists into it, then spin and land a kick. “If you want to talk about it we can.”
“Nope. Not interested. Thanks though.” With one final combination, I take the gloves off and grab my shaker bottle with the BCAA mixture I still haven’t finished drinking. Amino acids first thing in the morning is a necessity when I’m hitting the gym, but I’m more than ready for coffee.
“Bianca, you can’t keep it all bottled up.”
“It’s worked for me for the past thirty-five years,” I call back as I head toward the door.
“See you in a bit.”
“See you then!” I call back, then step out onto the street. The sky is darker than it should be, and I imagine it’s due to the hurricane that’s heading our way. The worst one Maine has seen in two decades, according to the newscasters.
All around me, I see the preparations being made. Windows boarded up, patio furniture put inside. But I’m not worried. I’ve faced down things far more terrifying than a hurricane and survived. And even if this is the thing that takes me out, well, then I guess I won’t have to worry about much of anything anymore.
Slinging my backpack over my shoulders, then grip my cup and take off on the run that will bring me home. Since Hope Springs, Maine, is a small town, I run to the gym every morning, then use the three miles to unwind after my workout.
I’ve made it a habit to push my body to its limits each and every day, never again wanting to be found inadequate to protect myself.
As it does every year, the darkness ebbs closer into my mind, but I shove it back. I won’t let the past consume me. Never again. Especially not today.
My muscles are liquid by the time I reach the pier that sits beside Hope Springs’ church. While I don’t ever imagine I’ll find myself going in for a Sunday service, I do stop at the pier and stare out over the sunrise.
Pale blue waters crash against the light sand as the world is painted in rays of purple, orange, and gold.
It’s beautiful .
Even if I can’t make myself believe in anything, I can believe that.
“Morning, Bianca.” Pastor Redding comes to stand beside me. He’s dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, his grey hair sweaty at the temples.
“Morning. Coming back from a run?”
“What gave it away?” he asks with a laugh.
I smile. Even if I don’t occupy a pew every Sunday, I can appreciate the kindness of the man beside me.
“Are you doing okay today?” he asks.
“Why do you ask?”
His expression reflects curiosity rather than judgement. But there’s an understanding in his gaze that makes me feel—well—like he cares. Which is a new one for me. His wife has the exact same effect on me, and given that she owns the bakery in town, avoiding her is impossible.
I like cupcakes too much.
“God guided me to this pier this morning,” he says. “I felt like I needed to run back by here rather than my usual route, and I can’t help but believe that it’s because you were going to be here.”
“Listen, I appreciate you asking, but you know I’m not?—”
“I know,” he replies. “But even if you’re unsure, He still knows and loves you.”
The truth is, I don’t know what I believe. But I’ve seen so much evil it’s impossible for me to wrap my mind around the fact that there’s a greater purpose to it all. “I’d like to believe that. I really would. ”
“Do you want to talk about what troubles you? Just friend to friend,” he replies with a smile. “And it will never leave this conversation.”
“Never?”
“Never,” he replies.
“Today’s my birthday,” I reply. “And I haven’t told anyone.”
“Why not?”
“It doesn’t feel like a day to celebrate,” I admit. It’s the day everything went wrong. The day my innocence was shattered, and I saw my life for what it was—a lie. A dangerous, blood-stained lie.
“Every birth is a miracle,” he says. “So birthdays are absolutely worth celebrating. Is there no one who knows? What about your parents.”
“Don’t have them.” It’s not a lie given they’re both dead, but it still feels wrong.
“Well then.” The pastor smiles at me. “Let me be the first to say happy birthday, Bianca. And while I will keep your confidence, you really should tell someone. You deserve to be celebrated.”
I pull away. “Thanks, Pastor Redding. Have a good day.”
“You, too.”
As I turn away, I can’t help but remind myself that if he knew anything about me, he’d know just how false that statement is.
“Morning!” Lilly, the waitress and partial owner of Hope Springs Diner, greets as she sets a mug of steaming coffee down in front of me.
“Morning. You look rested.”
She laughs. “Baby finally slept through the night and now I’m not entirely sure what to do with all of this energy I have.”
I laugh softly. “Glad to hear it. He’s a cutie. Alex brought him by the Security office last week when he’d dropped off the coffee for our meeting.”
“He’s perfect and Sarah is just already such an amazing sister.”
“She’s a sweetie, too, so I can imagine.” I’d wanted kids at one point, but I’m not bitter even knowing it’s an impossibility. It just means I get to spoil the children of my friends. Which is something that was also an impossibility until I’d moved here to Hope Springs after Lance Knight—a former Army Ranger I’d saved when we’d both been in the service—called me in to help track Michael after he’d gone missing.
Once I’d seen what Lance had built here, though, I knew I wanted to be a part of it. Even if I didn’t ask to come work for him until a few months ago.
“You want your usual?” she asks.
“Pancakes, eggs, extra crispy bacon and a side of crunchy peanut butter. You know me well.”
Lilly grins and makes a note on the order pad she carries. “It’s my job both as your friend and local diner owner. We’ll get this right out.” She turns and leaves the table so I take a drink of my coffee and stare down at the e-reader I brought with me.
Some probably thing I’m reading a pulse-pounding suspense.
Or a swoony romance.
But in reality, it’s the Bible that is currently downloaded, I just don’t want anyone to know that I’m searching for answers. For understanding. Because letting them know that means I also have to admit that I’ve found none.
That right now, it all just feels like words on a sheet of paper.
I turn it on and start reading where I left off in Exodus, but I haven’t made it even a page when the bell dings over the front door.
I can feel him before I see him.
The blood-sizzling, bone-deep awareness that comes from being anywhere in Silas Williamson’s vicinity.
The nightmares come flooding back.
Being lost in a hot jungle.
Closing up the same wounds over and over again because his skin was so tattered it wouldn’t stay closed.
“Bianca!” Little Eloise, his four-year-old niece rushes over and wraps her arms around mine. I have to pull it free just to hug her back.
“Hey, sweet girl. How are you today?”
“You know, it’s my birthday.”
I grin at her as she smiles up with eyes that are so like Silas’s, she could be his daughter. Likely because her mother was his twin. “Is it really?”
She nods. “I’m five today.”
I give her a high five, loving that I share my birthday with such a wonderful little girl. “Happy birthday, kiddo.”
“Thanks! When is your birthday?”
My gaze lifts to Silas. He’s the only one who knows…but does he remember? He’s not even looking at me, so I’m assuming not. “Today is your day, Kiddo.”
“Eloise, we need to get some breakfast before I drop you off at the library.” Silas’s deep voice resonates with a part of me that I tried really, really hard to separate from myself.
He makes me feel safe.
Scared.
Hopeful and hopeless.
Everything I carry for him is a walking contradiction, but I know that’s only because he knows everything the others don’t. Secrets that I’d wanted to die with me in that jungle.
He could have buried me with them, but he’s kept each and every one.
Our connection is volatile now, but it wasn’t always like that.
I meet his gaze. “Morning.”
He grunts in response but doesn’t speak to me. Silas is a man of few words, sure, but with me he prefers to pretend I don’t exist. I’m just glad he hasn’t told Eloise she can’t be kind to me because losing her happy smile would break my already tattered heart.
“Can we eat with Bianca, Uncle Lassy? Please?” She puts her hands together and sticks her bottom lip out in a pout. “It’s my birthday, please, please, please?”
He looks at me like he’s hoping I’ll tell her no, but I’m not that kind. “Okay. As long as it’s okay with her.”
“Fine by me. Come on, kiddo.” I scoot over and she climbs onto the booth beside me.
“Morning, lovely!” Lilly greets, setting a coloring page and some crayons in front of her.
“Morning, Lilly! It’s my birthday!” Eloise greets.
“It is!” she exclaims. “Happy birthday! Special birthday pancakes coming right up.”
“Yay!” Eloise claps her hands together and starts coloring as Lilly turns to Silas.
“Morning, Silas, what can I get for you?”
“Just coffee, thanks.”
“No problem.” Lilly leaves the table so I pick up a crayon and start coloring the page alongside her.
“Uncle Lassy is taking me to the arcade downtown. We’re going when he’s done with his meeting. It’s going to be so fun because we’re going to do the dance off game. And Mrs. McGinley said I get to help her re-shelve the books at the library! I love books.” As Eloise keeps chattering happily, I sneak a peek at Silas who is staring out the window of the diner.
His expression is hard, uncomfortable, as it always is when we’re near each other. Which makes it even more awkward given we share either side of a duplex on the other side of town.
I know why he hates me.
I hate myself most days.
But it doesn’t take away from the fact that I wish, for once, he’d look at me like he did all those years ago. Back before he knew the truth.