35
Ashlynn
Lost Track of Time – MTNS
C hristmas and New Years came and went with no celebration this year. I spent the time alone with everyone going out of state. I didn’t even drive down to Colorado Springs to spend any time with my family. Neha went to Greenville with Nick, and Heath begged me numerous times to go home with him to Washington, DC. I felt bad saying no, but I wanted to be alone to think about everything that has happened since my accident. It’s been lonely to put it lightly, but I made a new year’s resolution to start working with the therapist Dr. Addison recommended to me while I was still at the hospital. The problem with spending so much time alone and thinking about everything is that the anger set in. So, needless to say, I have plenty to unload with Dr. Tucker.
Dr. Tucker has been amazing and helpful with my healing. Anytime I need to talk to her, she answers my calls. We even began a routine, that whenever I want to leave the house, I call her, and she stays on the phone with me while I go where I need to go, keeping conversation going while I walk. She told me that before I can tackle my feelings about what happened between Anthony and me, I need to get over my fear of going out on my own. She gives me little things to do each week: walk to the end of the block, walk two blocks over, or walk around the block. So far, I feel comfortable doing that and am starting to feel better each day since I started talking to Dr. Tucker at the beginning of January. Today is the biggest step yet, as I am driving to the airport to get Heath! I am happy to have him come home; I have missed my friend. I texted him to let him know to not get an Uber, because I will be there to get him.
I make it to the airport right as Heath calls me to let me know that he is waiting in the arrivals area. I pull up and spot him right away. I park the truck and jump out to hug my friend. He lifts me off the ground in a big hug. “Ashlynn, I can’t believe you are here! I am so proud of the strives you have made!”
He sets me back on my feet and I pull back from our hug with a smile on my face, “I know; isn’t it crazy!”
Right then, a stranger chimes in. “Is what crazy?”
I look over and give a dirty look, with how rude it is for this person to listen to Heath and me. Heath bursts out laughing and swings his arm over the guy’s shoulder. “Ashlynn, this is my brother Landon. He wanted to come spend some time in Colorado with me.”
Now that Heath said his brother, I can see the resemblance. Both have the same black hair, olive skin tone, but where Heath has the lightest green eyes, his brother Landon has gray eyes. I look over at Landon with a shy smile. “Sorry for the dirty look, I’m Ashlynn.”
He just chuckles at me. “I’ve heard a lot about you, Ashlynn. It’s nice to meet you!” After the awkward introduction, we are off.
Since I have both Heath and Landon with me, we decided to have dinner while still in Denver. “So, what have you been up to since Neha and I were gone?” Heath asks me right as I take a bite of my burger.
I hold my finger up while I finish chewing my food. “Not much, really, just working with Dr. Tucker on everything. I am almost up to walking to your house!” I tell Heath with a proud smile on my face.
“Are you like a hermit or something?” Landon asks me.
“No, I am not a hermit, I just um…” I trail off, not sure how to say it to a stranger.
Luckily, Heath speaks up. “Landon, something happened back in November to Ashlynn, and it’s hard to talk about. So, tread lightly.” He says that last part more as a warning.
Landon puts his hands up in a surrender position. “Sorry, please forgive me. Sometimes my mouth says things before my mind catches up.”
I shake my head at him. “It’s okay! How would you have known?”
We all sit quietly finishing our food, and I realize I haven’t really asked Landon anything about himself since they arrived. “So, Landon. Do you live in DC or are you from the surrounding area?”
I ask him this right as he takes a drink of water. “I do live in DC; I am the equipment manager for the Capitals.”
My eyes go wide. “Washington Capitals, I love hockey. That must be a fun job!”
After Landon tells me what he does for a living, I can’t help but notice the uncomfortable shift Heath does in his seat, but Landon doesn’t seem to notice. “If you’re ever in DC, I will gladly get you tickets to a game and show you around the town.”
He tells me this with a wink. I don’t know why this little wink makes me blush and smile shyly.
Back in Frisco, I drop Heath and Landon off at his house and head home for the night. Once I get home, I send a text to Heath and lock up for the night. As I set my phone down, it starts ringing right when I turn to walk away. I pick it up and see that it is Heath. “Hey Heath, is everything okay?”
I hear him take a deep breath. “Ashlynn, I know I shouldn’t tell you this, but I just looked at the Overbear page and saw that a few riders did a competition earlier this month.”
My heart drops. Why would he tell me this?
“Okay, so? I don’t know what I am supposed to do about that, Heath.”
He is quiet again, and I start worrying, when finally, he talks. “Maybe just watch it, okay? I think it might answer a question you asked me before I left to go home. I’ll talk to you later. Have a good night, Ashlynn.”
After hanging up, my phone feels like a lead weight in my hand. Do I go watch this video or ignore it because I know it will show HIM, and I don’t know if I am ready to see him moving on with his life so effortlessly, like we never meant anything at all.
“Do you think he is okay, Heath?” Is the question I asked him randomly one night before I started coming back to my house. I crashed at Heath’s house until after the day at the police station, when I last saw Anthony. When I saw him at the police station that last time, he didn’t look good at all. Like he was holding the weight of the world on his shoulders, and it was heavier than he could handle. Would I be lying if I said I didn’t want to run into his arms and fight him to not push me away? Yes, I would be lying. To be honest, I miss him and still very much love him. Even though he said hurtful things to me, deep down, I know he didn’t mean them. Even with these feelings, though, I don’t think we will ever have a future together like we talked about, because now we will avoid each other if we ever happen to be in the same space again; there is too much hurt. Call me weak, but I pull up Instagram and go to the Overbear page and look for the latest competition, which was from the first weekend in the new year.
When I tap the screen to watch the clips, it shows some highlights of the team. I smile when I see both Mateo and Noah riding along with Nash and Jax. I smile wide seeing them all; they all became my friends in the process of our now shattered relationship. It makes me wonder if any of them know what happened. I swipe to the next replay, and it is of Anthony. He pulls off a flawless back flip, but then cases his back tire with the next trick and falls down the ramp. The next replay is another flawless trick, but on the landing his chain breaks. Again, the look of defeat is written all over his face. Picking up his bike, shoulders slumped, and head down, he walks off the street course. The last page shows the three winners, which includes Nash, but not Anthony. I read the caption and I whisper to no one, “Oh my god.”
The caption says, “After this competition, Anthony Ville has decided to step back from riding due to personal reasons. No return has been determined. The manager of Overbear Chase York stated he has been pulled from all upcoming competitions for the foreseeable future.”
He is doing something I would never want for him to do: he stopped riding.
That night, I toss and turn. I cannot get my mind to shut off after reading the caption on the video for Overbear. Anthony is stepping away from BMX. Finally, I give up on sleep and get out of bed. I grab my phone, ready to pull up Anthony’s name and give him a piece of my mind. But that thought is short-lived, and I decide against it. I told him to not call or text me that night and I am going to follow what I have said as well. I start thinking that I have been selfish with this assault. I didn’t ask him how it made him feel. Of course, how could I when he never texted me or called me back? I start finally getting heavy eyed around 4AM and go back to bed. I let sleep take me, but it is restless and for the first time since he left, I wake up to reach out to touch him, but of course, he is not here–just an empty bedside. I am sluggish after sleeping for only a few hours. Today, I have my first meeting with Dr. Tucker in person; I am excited and nervous for the appointment.
Finishing getting ready, I hear a couple knock on my door and look at the time. It’s early, but Dr. Tucker is always early with our phone calls, so it wouldn’t surprise me if it is her at the door. I open the door and sure enough, it is Dr. Tucker. I welcome her inside; this is our first face to face. I am not sure what I expected, but she is only 5 years older than me, but looks like she has lived multiple lives. We sit down at my dining room table and start right away. I have word vomit; I fill her in on the video I watched, and that Anthony stepped away from BMX. She is quiet while she listens, nodding her head every now and then. Once I get everything out, I feel like I am out of breath. “How does all of this make you feel, Ashlynn?”
I shrug my shoulders because I don’t know how I feel about it. I can’t hold in my tears. “I honestly don’t know. I guess I feel selfish about my accident. Maybe I should have done something different with him–for him. Maybe I just didn’t realize how much it affected him when he told me if I even thought to ask him how it made him feel. I, of course, don’t know for certain if this has anything to do with him stepping away.”
Dr. Tucker writes down a few notes, then looks at me, “Ashlynn, we can never know for certain if his stepping away has to do with the accident. However, I don’t think it was right of him to try turning it around to make you feel bad about it. He shouldn’t have made it about himself. I cannot say a whole lot on the matter because you don’t want to open up about that. Until you do, we have no way to navigate through those feelings.”
Dr. Tucker is right, every time Neha and Heath have asked me about what happened, I just tell them that I can’t talk about it and shut down. After we finished up with the session, Dr. Tucker said really the next big step for me is to go to Vancouver and just have fun with my friends. I need to try not to think about anything in Colorado–easier said than done.
After Dr. Tucker leaves, I force myself to walk to Heath’s house. I am doing good so far, but I start getting overly nervous when I cross the street the coffee shop is on. I inhale deeply and muster up the courage to move forward. Fortunately, Heath's car is parked in the driveway; I didn't call ahead to check if he'd be home. Now I'm ready to finally discuss what happened. I need to get it out. I can’t keep it pushed down and let it blow up when it’s too much for me to hold on to. I knock on his door and hear he is on the phone, talking furiously to someone. I hear him walk to the door saying, “hang on, there is someone at my door.” He swings it open, and his eyes go wide. “Ashlynn, what’s wrong? Come here, get inside.”
Once inside, he tells whoever he is talking to that he will call them back. I feel bad; it seemed like an important phone call. Ending the call, he turns to me, pulling me into him for a hug. “What happened? What made you so upset? I knew I shouldn’t have told you about the video.”
I shake my head while still in his arms. “No, I’m glad you did. Now I know.”
Stepping back from me and holding onto my shoulders, he asks, “Now you know what? That he seems to be struggling, too?”
I just nod my head because that’s it.
I need to calm down before I talk to Heath, so I can get it all out. Before I start, I ask him, “Where is your brother at?”
Making an annoyed sigh, he says, “He went to walk around the revisor. That was our parents I was on the phone with.”
Shit, now I feel really bad that he got off because of me. “You didn’t have to end your phone call; I could have waited,” I tell him.
“No, trust me it’s okay. I need to calm down before Landon gets back. He is in some serious shit; he just so happened not to tell me before coming out here.”
It’s right then that I decide not to tell Heath; it seems like he has enough on his plate. We are both quiet when Heath blurts out, “My idiot brother was fired as the equipment manager. He was caught stealing sticks, gloves, jerseys, and other things and selling them.”
I grab Heath’s hand to comfort him, the same way he has done for me numerous times lately. “I’m sorry you have to deal with all of this. Are you going to go back to DC?”
Looking over at me, he says, “No, we have a book tour to get ready for. He is an adult; he can figure his own shit out. He may be my brother, but I have bailed him out too many times. I don’t even want to be here when he gets back. Let’s go to your house and hang out!”
Once back at my house, Heath and I just hang out and go back through the upcoming book tour. He thinks it is a good idea for me to do a Q&A on my Instagram page, so fans can get to know me. Since starting it, my followers have tripled, and my book continues to get positive reviews across most platforms. I tell Heath after I get back from Vancouver, I will do the Q&A. The next morning Heath drives me to the airport where I meet Neha, who is just getting in from Greenville. She is already at the gate with Starbucks for us both.
She gets the biggest smile when she sees me walking toward her. “OMG! Look at you, so confident. Are you excited to get to Vancouver?”
Giving her a hug since she has been gone for a while and we didn’t talk while she was with Nick, I say, “I can’t wait to see Cor and relax.” We sit for about an hour and then board the plane.