6. “Separate Ways”
Chapter 6
“Separate Ways”
Taz - Age 13, 1983
E motions swirl within me like an unpredictable storm as I pack my bags to move back in with my dad. On one hand, it was brutally difficult to say goodbye to him and leave my life behind when he got arrested. The pain of separation lingered long after the judge sentenced him to ten years in prison for his multiple offenses. I was sad for a long time, and then I got angry.
But now, as I reflect on what I remember of that time, I realize Brian and I were better off living with Gram for the past seven years. She always remembered to make us dinner or pick us up from school. She was there daily to help with homework and shuffle us to and from sports practices.
First grade was an especially challenging adjustment, and I missed my old house, school, and friends. However, Gram signed me up for hockey, and soon, I found myself moving on, as people do.
The moment my blades touched the ice, I felt a rush of exhilaration unlike anything else. It was as if the frozen surface had been waiting for me to claim it as my own. I stumbled and fell countless times during those early days of learning, but I got back up each time, determined to conquer this new passion.
Meanwhile, Brian continued his pursuits on the football field until he graduated high school just a few months ago. He’s now set to join the local junior college team this semester, thanks in large part to our grandmother’s unwavering support and guidance. She patiently worked with him, helping him channel his anger into something positive.
As for our father, I still struggle to understand how he turned out the way he did after being raised by Gram. She poured all her love and efforts into raising him, leaving no stone unturned in her attempts to guide him down the right path. But something must have happened along the way that changed him into the person he is now; despite her best efforts, she couldn’t prevent it from happening. She hasn’t shared much about when exactly he went off the rails, but I suspect he was about the age I’m at now. I say this because I catch her watching me sometimes, almost trying to read my mind. She shouldn’t worry. I won’t disappoint her.
Despite being an absent father and a drug addict, apparently, my dad was a model prisoner. Gotta admit I didn’t see that one coming. That’s why he’s been released early. After spending years behind bars, my father has now been out of jail for a few months and is working in some sort of sales job his probation office got him. It sounds about right—selling things always came naturally to him with his smooth-talking and charming personality. Now, he’s looking to build a connection with us again. We only saw him two to three times per year while he was in prison, so he’s a virtual stranger, at least to me.
My brother is more excited than me about returning to our old town and reconnecting with our dad. I’d rather stay here with Gram, but the truth of it is, she’s tired. She’s spent her golden years selflessly raising her grandchildren, and I can’t be selfish enough to ask her to continue shouldering that responsibility. Years of hard work and sacrifice have taken their toll on her physically and financially.
But despite all this, Gram never complains or shows any sign of resentment towards us. Clearly, we’ve been a drain on her resources, yet she continues to love us unconditionally. Leaving her behind to live with our father feels like abandoning the one person who has always been there for me, but the truth is, she deserves to have a life outside of two grandchildren she never asked to raise.
Her friends are going on cruises, playing Bingo, and taking senior’s water aerobics, not shuffling around teenage boys. So I agreed to go live with my dad, with the caveat that if things go badly, I can move back in with Gram.
As we pull up to his new place, a brown two-story house nestled in a quaint, tree-lined neighborhood, my dad steps outside with his hands casually tucked into his pockets. He looks older, with creases in his forehead that I don’t remember. His once-long hair is now buzzed close to his head, and his slight build is being served by more muscle. The nerves and uncertainty are etched across his face as he bites his lower lip, but as his gaze hones in on our car pulling up to the curb, he smiles and puts on a brave front.
Brian and I climb out and go to the back to collect our belongings as my dad jogs down the walkway toward us, a broad smile spreading across his face as he embraces Gram. It’s heartwarming to witness the genuine happiness radiating from her as she welcomes her son back into her life. Her eyes sparkle with joy, and her embrace is warm and full of love. If she can forgive him, I can, too. At least I can try.
After a brief conversation with Gram, he walks around the car to us. Brian’s face lights up with a wide smile, and he wraps our dad in a tight embrace while I take a small step back. As I look at my father, I can’t help but notice how different he looks from the man in my memory. It could be that he’s physically changed over the years, or perhaps my perspective has shifted. We stand nearly the same height now, but despite his obvious time lifting weights, my build is larger and more muscular. His eyes meet mine, and I see a hint of recognition in them, clouded with age and regret. Dad emerges from his hug with Brian, and as he faces me, I catch a glimmer of hope and health behind his tired facade.
“Hey, big guy,” he says with a warm smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners. I offer a curt nod in response and he looks disappointed. Maybe I missed something. What am I supposed to do in this situation? Is there some sort of code or etiquette I am not aware of? My thoughts are interrupted by Gram’s comforting touch on my shoulders, like an anchor securing me in place.
“Let’s bring your stuff inside,” he says, gesturing toward the bags beside us. Gram nods and steps forward, leading the way as she always does. With a grateful sigh, I follow suit, comforted she’s here for this awkward encounter.
As we enter our new home, a sense of unreality washes over me. This is my father’s house; now it will be mine too. It’s strange to think that after years of assuming he would never be a part of my life, here he is, standing in the middle of the living room of our new shared home.
Taking in my surroundings, I’m struck by the atmosphere. It’s newer but still comfortable. The walls are painted a warm beige, accented with tasteful pieces of artwork. The carpet beneath our feet is a plush tan, still pristine and clearly recently replaced. Despite the rental status, it’s clear the owners have taken good care of this house.
I smile at the thought of how different this place is from our old home. No more avocado green appliances and shag carpets here. Instead, everything is modern and sleek, with shiny beige appliances that match perfectly with the color scheme of the rest of the house.
A staircase beckons to the right, leading up to the unknown. Peering through the open living room, there’s a sturdy brick fireplace, which makes the space warm and inviting. This place may not be too bad, after all.
“Don’t be shy, explore to your heart’s content,” Dad encourages us with a warm smile. My gaze meets Brian’s, and I catch the spark of adventure in his eyes as he heads toward the stairs, eager to discover what lies beyond.
“No, you don’t!” I yell, my voice filled with determination. If he makes it upstairs first, he’ll get the first pick of the bedrooms.
We race up the stairs, our feet pounding against the carpeted steps. He shoves me into the wall with a rough force, causing me to bounce off and land on the floor with a thud. But I recover and grab his ankle, pulling him down with all my might.
“Boys, stop roughhousing,” Gram’s voice echoes throughout the house from downstairs. Her stern tone normally reminds us to behave. But in that moment, all we can focus on is our playful competition for the best room in the house.
We continue to wrestle our way up the stairs. As we reach the top, he turns left, and I turn right. My eyes scan my surroundings, taking in the details of the hallway. I glimpse the room on my left and the gleam of white porcelain from within. A tub, shower, and toilet sit tucked into the small space.
I push forward, eager to explore. The bedroom ahead catches my attention as I step through the doorway. Sunlight streams through the window, illuminating the room with a warm glow. From this height, I have a view over the street below. The room is spacious enough, with a neatly made twin bed against one wall, a dresser against another, and a nightstand beside it. It may not be fancy, but it will suffice for now. However, I decide to peek into the other room before settling on this one as my own.
As Brian and I pass each other in the narrow hallway, his shoulder connects with mine, and he shoves me toward the bathroom. My balance wavers, and I grab onto the door frame to keep from falling.
“Dick!” I yell, causing his laughter to echo in the upstairs space. I quickly make my way into the other bedroom. This room is slightly larger than the previous one, located next to the master bedroom. It offers a view of the spacious backyard, enclosed by a tall fence and sprinkled with patches of green grass. The furnishings are identical to those in the other room.
A part of me prefers the other room because it’s further away from my dad’s room even though this one is larger, but I can’t help but wonder if that was also Brian’s reasoning.
As I round the hallway corner, my brother meets me with a confident stride. With one hand in his pocket and the other propped up against the wall, he raises an eyebrow in question. Which room will he choose? Our eyes meet and communicate silently, both of us knowing he has the first choice as the oldest. It’s the unspoken rule of our household.
A twinge of uncertainty runs through me as he confidently declares, “I’ll take the bigger room.”
My eyebrows raise in surprise. “Really?” I ask, genuinely shocked by his decision.
A hint of mischief dances in his eyes as he explains, “Yeah. Gonna need the space when I’m entertaining the ladies.”
He smirks and winks at me, and I almost laugh, but I don’t want to get punched in the face. If my brother is already making plans to turn his room into a bachelor pad, who am I to rain on his parade?
We order pizza from a local pizzeria for dinner and gather around the dining room table. The familiar smell of melted cheese and savory toppings wafts through the air, making it a bit less odd, but not much.
The awkwardness is nearly suffocating. We’re all at a loss for words. How do you start a conversation with someone who has just been released after seven years in prison? Hey, Dad. How’s the pizza? Better than the stuff in the slammer?
My grandmother, ever the matriarch, takes charge of the situation as she often does. She leans back in her chair, smoothing her napkin on her lap before speaking up. “So, Daniel, it’s important to spend time with your sons now that you’re home. I’m allowing you the opportunity to do that. We want to believe you’ve truly changed and your intentions are genuine.” Her words hang in the air as Brian and I look up from our paper plates and pizza slices and watch the interaction between the two of them.
My dad is thirty-nine years old, but as we watch him now, he may as well be a teenager being scolded by his mother for his wrongdoings. I’m about to ask to be excused from the table when Gram starts speaking again.
The words escape her lips like daggers, each one piercing through the air with a sharpness that leaves my father speechless. “You have made a mess of your life, son,” she says, her voice filled with love and disappointment. “My vow as your mother was to always be here for you, but I cannot turn a blind eye to your actions.” Her eyes bore into his, filled with pain and determination. “Your children were never meant to come second to your desires for drugs and alcohol. In doing so, you have given up your rights to raise them.” No one speaks as the air crackles with tension. She continues, “As you know, Brian is now an adult and can make his own choices. But Michael remains under my guardianship.”
“Yes, I know.” My dad manages to croak out a response, his voice strained and shaky.
Gram is strong and unyielding in her words, leaving no doubt about her expectations of my father.“I am allowing Michael to live with you for now,” she states firmly, her eyes fixed on him. “But if you mess this up, so help me, I will waste no time taking him and putting you back behind bars.”
Her words cause me to swell with a sense of love and admiration even as my eyes widen at the harshness of her tone. I’ve rarely known this kind of love from the adults in my life. There is hope in knowing that someone has my best interests at heart. It’s a new feeling for me—someone prioritizing my happiness over their own desires.
I remember visiting my friend Sascha’s family when I was young, and they were always bursting with love and affection. Though I don’t have distinct memories of those moments, the feelings of longing and envy are still palpable. I yearned for that kind of love in my own life. And Gram gave me just that.
She has been my source of unconditional love and support for the past seven years. So when she tells me she wants to give my dad another chance, despite his past mistakes, I feel nervous but hopeful. He has spent so much time trying to make things right, and it seems he has truly changed for the better. I’m willing to give him a chance to be a father figure in my life again.
My grandmother rises from her chair, and we follow suit. As she stands, a mixture of emotions is evident on her face—there are tears in her eyes, but also a sense of determination and strength that I have always admired in her. Despite her small stature—only 5 feet and 2 inches tall with a slight frame of about 90 pounds—she is the fiercest person I know.
“Michael,” she says, turning to me, “would you mind walking me to my car?” Her voice is filled with both vulnerability and resilience. This is not any easier for her than it is for me.
With my hands shoved deep into my pockets, I follow her to the car. My emotions are tumultuous, swirling within me. As if she can sense what I’m thinking, she stops and turns to face me, her wise eyes meeting mine with understanding.
“Please don’t feel like I’m abandoning you,” she says softly. “I honestly believe that a son needs his father, and I want to give your dad a chance to make things right.”
I nod, a lump forming in my throat at her words.
She continues, “But if he doesn’t, or this isn’t working for you and your brother, you can call me. I’m only an hour away and I’ll be here in a heartbeat.” Her unwavering commitment to us fills me with both gratitude and guilt. I know she would give every hour of her life for us, but it’s time for her to have a life of her own as well. With that thought in mind, I pull her into a tight hug, trying to convey all my love and appreciation for her in that one embrace.
Before she gets into her car, I kiss her perfectly styled gray hair. As she drives off toward the horizon, hope blooms within me that things will finally be different—that my dad has become a better man and that my brother and I will finally find true happiness. And so, with that glimmer of hope in my heart, I turn back toward our home and take the first steps toward our new future together.