Chapter 3 #3
If Julian knew… if Julian was part of it… my jaw clicks.
“Nothing,” I lie, thinking of the stupid pegasus on the compound. The one who usually harasses me by text to stay informed in my life.
Wait… “He usually texts me.”
“Who does?” the girls ask in unison.
“Julian. He’s constantly messaging, since he’s a needy fucker who wants Adrian’s approval,” I say, reaching for my phone once more.
I tap on our message thread, just in case I have accidentally opened a message from him without replying, but there’s nothing there since we chatted last.
“Nothing.”
Why the fuck does that hurt? It’s stupid. He’s a lying, manipulative, horrible man, and yet, I’m sitting here pathetically moaning that he didn’t text me.
I feel the box in my head with all of the locked away feelings rattle uncontrollably. I snap the lock shut, shove my weight on it until the hinges scream and the lid holds.
I am not letting Pandora’s feelings out. Well, they’re probably better than mine, so let’s call it Plan B.
“It doesn’t matter,” I reassure myself, while also trying to get Ari and Nora to believe me. “I don’t care. He’s been in on it all from the start. Trying to control me, drugging me to make me pliable, hell, they’ve been—”
“You never elaborated on that,” Nora says gently. “What do you mean by drugging you?”
I grimace and recount about my heats and what the doctors had said. Both girls look at me in horror, one with more pity in her eyes than the other, as I explain the ways in which Adrian allowed me to be treated under his care.
“Like I said, it doesn’t matter,” I repeat. My entire body feels cold, frozen, even, but the smile on my face is probably the iciest part.
Ari reaches for me, stops, curls her hand into her sleeve instead. “It matters if someone’s been doing this to you for years and causing you so much pain.”
“Then it matters to the part of me that still thinks the monster living under the bed was a training exercise. That part is not invited out today.”
“Okay,” Nora says gently. “What do you want, then? Right now. Not a plan for world domination or for creating your perfect utopia. Just one thing.”
“I want—” My voice catches. I clear it, not sure I can face the reality of my needs. “I want… I want to know what Julian is doing. What’s happened to him, if anything, and if… I just need clarity.”
Ari softens, smile wobbling. “Then text him.”
I scoff. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because if he doesn’t answer, I’ll know,” I say like it’s obvious. Nora nods her head as if she completely understands, but Ari doesn’t. “And if he does answer, I’ll know even more.”
I bite my inner cheek, wincing as my teeth immediately cut into it, drawing blood. The sharp sting is grounding, though, and I relish in it.
Ari exhales through her nose, a small laugh she doesn’t mean. “You’re impossible.”
“Correct.”
“George told me this really annoying but helpful thing,” Nora says, smirking at me when I groan. “I just know you’re going to love it, Maevey Baby.”
Ari shakes her head. “I swear, that man needs paid more for all the mocking you two do of him.”
Nora laughs, but her eyes are trained on me as she murmurs, “Avoiding the feeling doesn’t prevent the outcome. It just prevents comfort from being offered.”
I press my tongue to the cut on the inside of my cheek until the sting reassures me. “I’m comfortable.”
Ari gives me a look that says I look anything but.
“Fine,” I say because I’m barely an adult and peer pressure from the actual adults works. I dig my phone out of my pocket, the screen lighting my palm.
It takes me three tries to type a message that isn’t embarrassing, pathetic, or a signed affidavit of feelings. I send two words—practically a sonnet.
My hand trembles, and, rather than sitting there watching for a reply, I set the phone face-down on the table like it’s a live grenade and lean back, waiting.
I know for a fact I won’t be able to resist the moment it buzzes. But until then… well, I’m going to continue pretending that feelings don’t taint someone like me.
Ari’s eyes are too wide, her scent full of intrigue. “What did you say?”
“None of your business.”
Nora half smiles. “That’s fair.”
We sit in the quiet again, the kind that has crumbs of normal in it, and I do my best to keep the anxiety under control. Ari’s picking at her already bleeding cuticles, and Nora’s eyes are closed as she dozes.
One’s content, the other is anxious, and I’m… well, I’m fine.
The flat smells like warmth and citrus cleaner and Ari’s laundry detergent. It doesn’t smell like him, which is a relief—no matter what I claimed about him becoming decor.
I catalogue that fact and file it under Evidence I Am Not Dying.
And then we hear it. A buzz hums against the wood. My phone moves slightly. The screen glows faintly, but since I left it face-down, I have no clue who it is or what they’ve said.
Ari startles. Nora’s gaze flies open, and her eyes flick to the phone, then to me, and back again. I don’t move.
I can’t.
“You don’t have to look,” Ari says.
Her suspicion that I’m a coward propels me into motion. I lean forward, and pick it up.
The phone feels like a brick in my hand, the weight nearly snapping my wrist as I bring it to me carefully.
The message is short. It scrapes through me as I read the two words over and over.
Two words. Enough to stop my heart, but not enough to actually mean anything.
My chest tightens, the box in my head bulges at the seams.
No. I snap the locks. I sit on the lid. I breathe until the edges blur and the sound in my ears turns from a raging ocean to soft wind.
His words are all I see when I blink.
“Good news?” Nora asks, careful.
“He’s not dead,” I say calmly. My voice is fine. Absolutely fine. Just like me.
Ari’s shoulders fall. She wipes at her eyes again as if tears might make a surprise appearance. “Do you want to… call him?”
“No.” I slide the phone into my pocket, my hands trembling, my legs like jelly.
Is that really how he’s going to act right now? Is this the kind of behaviour he thinks is appropriate?
After all the worry he’s caused? The dramatics for nothing?
“I want to do something useful,” I say, looking around the room, but I’m unable to focus on any one thing.
“Like what?” Nora asks.
I know that we’re going to either end up going to the compound or, at the very least, suffer through a meeting with Adrian.
Shouldn’t I fight to be in control of that? To be part of it at the very least?
I let myself stay home, hiding away, like the coward I am. But I think… I think it was wrong of me.
“Go to the meeting,” I say.
Ari blinks. “You said you weren’t up to it.”
“I’m not.” I stand, every movement mechanised, every angle precise. I slip my feet into my heels, getting myself mentally ready. “But I’m less up to doing nothing while men make all the decisions about my life.”
Nora’s mouth curves, a wolfish pride emanating from her. “Do you want company? I’m more than happy to come bully my men into listening to you.”
“No, but I am so grateful that you offered.” I stand, hesitance creeping in. “I need to get changed, but then I’m going for some answers. If there’s a thread between my stepfather and Julian, I want to see who pulls it when I walk through the door.”
Ari starts to rise, and I know that no matter how uncertain I am, she’s got me beat. “At least let us—”
I shake my head. “Give me five, and we can deal with your security detail,” I say, and she sighs but nods. I can hear their hushed whispers as my heels click on the way to my bedroom. They’re quiet enough I can’t make out more than the sound, but I know that I’m probably the topic of conversation.
It’s fine—I don’t care.
I can’t.
I yank off the dirty dress that is covered in hospital germs and the sterile scents, and replace it with another one that’s equally as short but a little looser. It shouldn’t panic me, no matter what I’m thrust into.
I adjust my hair before going back into the living room. Of course, my least favourite guard is standing there with his car keys in hand.
The dangerous, sultry amber and burnt wine scent from the mated siren sets my stomach off already, and that’s without even looking at his hideous face.
Bright green eyes, dark curls, and a smirk that promises something nauseating.
I can’t fucking stand the familiar way Caspian behaves, and I really hate the way he’s got that stupid magnetic pull.
“Where’s Wade?” I ask, furrowing my brows.
I had no doubt that Alvie wouldn’t be leaving Ari, and since Nora’s staying at the flat where a head was delivered, I’m not surprised that Micah hasn’t offered either.
But between Wade and Caspian, the other two members of Ari’s personal security, I’d much prefer the giraffe.
He’s got beautiful gold eyes, is super relaxed and chill, and, in the nicest way possible, cares very little about me so he’s not a pain in the ass.
“If you’re wanting to leave, Maevelet, you’re going to have to let me escort you,” he says with a shrug.
The nickname isn’t lost on me, and I narrow my eyes, not sure whether I want to berate him for it or ignore it entirely.
“I’d rather walk myself and let my stalker eat my heart out,” I reply, causing Ari to shiver.
“Tough,” he replies. “Unfortunately for you, but Alvie’s been left in charge, and that means I’m on escort duty. Wade’s needed here, and you’re without your own security. So—are we going to Queenie’s house, or are you staying here?”
I glance around the flat, avoiding looking at either girl.
The blanket on the chair arm. The empty plates in the sink, probably being washed ‘correctly’ by a very incorrect elephant. Nora’s bare feet tucked under Ari’s thigh. Home.
Contaminated, maybe, but still… mine.
Fuck it.
“Fine. Make sure to lock the door,” I say with a sigh.
Nora laughs. “Maevey Baby, I don’t think Ari or I are going to be locking any doors around here. Do me a favour, though?”
I raise a brow.
“Get us some of the brownies from my fridge?”
I giggle, my face softening, and I know she asked it to help me calm down slightly.
“Sure. I’ll storm in, ruin their meeting, cause a fuss, and then rob your fridge,” I say, still laughing. “I have no doubt they’ll love that.”
“Orson will probably shout at you,” Ari says, shaking her head. “We can survive without them.”
“Speak for yourself,” Nora teases. She rises from the sofa, not coming closer, but her smile is soft and warm. “Are you sure you don’t want us to come? We can just sit downstairs, but be there for moral support.”
“I’ll survive.”
I always do.
Ari nods, a fierce expression on her face. “Okay.”
I don’t bother looking at Caspian, knowing that he’ll follow me, as I move through the apartment. My heels are loud, and I feel my phone vibrate in my hands.
I don’t look at it, not yet.
The feelings box stays closed. The lid stays shut. I am in control.
As we get in Lucifer’s car, I smooth out my dress and read the new message from Julian.
My heart constricts, my eyes prick with tears, but I don’t reply.
I can’t.
What are you meant to say when someone you swore you weren’t going to worry about crawls out of the grave their uncle dug for them?
Nothing.
I slide another lock onto Maeve’s box and put the phone face down.
I ignore him. I ignore it all.