Prologue
KENDALL SPRINGFIELD
W e were all gathered around the fire pit at Calvin’s parents’ house, laughing and talking like we always did. Autumn Grove was peaceful, and I suppose that’s what made it feel suffocating.
I glanced around at my friends, discussing the upcoming county fair, who would win the pie-eating contest, and the latest gossip from the town square. It was the same conversation we’d been having for years. But tonight, the words felt hollow, like echoes of a life that wasn’t really mine.
Georgia tapped my leg, taking another sip of moonshine. “What about you, Kendall?”
I was so deep in thought about Zara and what she’d be doing right now that I didn’t hear her calling me. Or Kendall rather.
“Hmm?”
“You’ve been quiet. Are you excited for the fair?” Georgia repeated.
“Oh, umm sure.”
“Can’t wait! I’ve been craving one of those Farmstead Franks!” Myles groaned.
“When are you not ready to eat!” Calvin joked playfully, rubbing his stomach.
The conversation faded into the background as my thoughts drifted to the life I imagined beyond this town. A place where I didn’t have to hide behind an alias, where I could be Zara again and do all the things she loved. A place where I could check on Banana Girl and see how she was doing.
“Hey,” Calvin said softly, nudging my arm. “Are you okay, babe?”
“Let’s go for a walk,” I suggested, rising to my feet and dusting off my denim shorts.
He looked at me, his eyes softening in the firelight. “Sure, Kendall.”
We walked in silence for a while, the only sounds were our footsteps crunching on the gravel road and the distant croaking of frogs by the creek. Calvin’s hand found mine, and I let him hold it, even though my heart wasn’t in it.
Finally, I stopped by the old oak tree at the edge of his family’s property.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, brushing his thumb against my cheek.
“Do you ever think about doing something else?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
Calvin frowned, turning to look at me. “What do you mean?”
“Something more than this.” I waved my hand toward the barns and farmhouse, where his parents were likely already asleep. “Don’t you ever wonder if there’s more to life than taking over your parents’ farm?”
He let out a soft chuckle, but there was confusion in his eyes. “What is more, Kendall? This is what I’ve always wanted. To run the farm, and raise a family here.”
For Calvin, this was the dream but for me, it felt like a life on repeat, day after day, year after year, with no end in sight.
“With you, of course. I can see our kids running around out here,” he envisioned, forming a smile at the thought until he noticed my silence, “At least three. Two boys and one little princess. That’s the good life.”
The rest of the evening, I felt the weight of our conversation in my bones. So much that I faked getting my period to go home because I was no longer in a social mood. Thankfully, Mom was already in bed when I slithered through the front door because she would’ve picked up on it and interrogated me until I gave in.
My hot shower passed in a blur, and as soon as I laid down, the night folded into the morning. When I opened my eyes, I became overwhelmed by a piece of choreography that had replayed in my dreams. Yanking the comforter back, I hopped out of bed before I lost it completely.
With my favorite song filling the room, I twirled and swayed in a dance of my own creation. As the climax neared, I froze, imagining I was anywhere but Autumn Grove. Lost in the moment, I barely noticed the door creak as my mom entered. Her smile mirrored my own as she watched me dance.
“I almost forgot how graceful and nimble you are.” Without missing a beat, I twirled around her as she sat the laundry basket down. “Don’t you have to work today?”
“I’m not going,” I sighed.
Staring out the window, I could see the heart of the town because Autumn Grove wasn’t big at all. I hate everything about it, from limited opportunities to no privacy. Living in a small town, you knew everyone's business, and they knew yours, too. It felt like all Autumn Grove did was lack .
That made it the perfect place to hide because the most exciting thing Autumn Grove had to offer only came once a year. During summer, visitors traveled to wander the fragrant lavender fields, take photos, and purchase local lavender- infused products. Most were chasing peace and tranquility, something I hadn’t felt in a long time and certainly not here.
“What’s wrong? Cramps?”
“No.”
My curt tone made her ease onto the edge of the bed, gently stroking my shoulder.
“Are you and Calvin having problems?”
“Calvin is fine.”
“What’s going on, Kendall? You’re being weird this morning,” Mom giggled, trying to calm her nerves. Any deviation from the norm freaked her out, but hearing her call me Kendall was exactly what was wrong with me.
“Aren’t you tired?” I asked, looking up to see her face. “Don’t you miss Banana Girl? Aren’t you worried about how she’s doing after the stroke?”
Mom’s neck swiveled, oozing attitude because I was dangerously close to that invisible line that made her remind me she wasn’t one of my little friends. But attitude and all, Mom was gorgeous.
Beauty gets you in the door but won’t keep you there. Never let anyone make you feel bad for being beautiful, either. It’s okay to be beautiful; just make sure that’s not all you are.
She had been drilling that speech into my head since she realized I was branded with her regal beauty. I thought it was something nice parents are supposed to tell their children because I didn’t see it when I looked in the mirror.
“It’s a small price to pay for her safety,” she mumbled.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, Mom.”
“You have an odd way of showing it. You don’t know what I would give to lay my head in my mother’s lap and be the scared little girl that I keep tucked away. Of course, I get tired and frustrated thinking about what life could’ve been, but I’d rather be tired than dead, so I keep pushing, but you have that, so don’t take it for granted.”
“What if I can’t?” Mom swallowed hard because she wasn’t expecting that response, but I couldn’t hold it any longer.
“You can’t be Zara ,” she whispered, grabbing my jaw, “She doesn’t exist anymore.”
“If she doesn’t exist, why does it feel like it!” I yelled, throwing my arms out.
Mom pulled me in for a hug, cupping the back of my head. I cried in her arms while she gently rocked me into silence as if someone was watching our exchange.
“I know, baby. It gets hard some days.”
“I hate Autumn Grove. I hate Kendall. Every day I wake up, it’s harder to breathe than the last.”
“If I could go back and do things differently, I would. Unfortunately, those people don’t care.” She grabbed my face now, eye to eye because she needed me to understand, “Going back could put us all in danger. You have to understand that.”
But I no longer had the strength to care. This couldn’t be what living felt like.
“This is the last time we’ll speak about Zara . Do you understand?”
I nodded, and Mom wiped my tears with her hand.
“I’ll call Mr. Riley and tell him you’re running late,” she volunteered.
I didn’t give a fuck about my shift, but I got up anyway. Mom gave me a sympathetic smirk before picking up the basket and leaving my bedroom. Grabbing My towel, I shuffled to the bathroom, dreading my shift at Rustic Roots Market. Opportunities were few and far in Autumn Grove, so I took classes at the community college part-time when I wasn’t working.
“Hey!” Sasha complained, throwing her hands on her imagination. “I was about to go in there.”
“You snooze, you lose, kiddo.”
“But I’m meeting Grace at the lighthouse,” Sasha sulked because going outside was more important than my job.
“ After I get ready for work,” I dipped to kiss her perturbed cheek before slipping into the old bathroom.
She loved the sense of community and warmth of small-town living. Sasha was born after we had to be whisked away because some man was after us, so her load was a lot easier to carry. She didn’t have to worry about being anyone but Sasha Springfield.
Clad in my burgundy shirt and khaki pants, I drove to work to start my dreaded six-hour shift. Everybody in Autumn Grove had grown up here and never left. I didn’t want that to be my life, especially since Nana had a stroke, and we had no idea how she was doing. Agent Torres wasn’t supposed to divulge that information but had taken an affinity for Mom and bent the rules. It kept me up every night since I walked in on Mom crying, and it was still on my mind now. Mr. Riley was annoyed because he caught me daydreaming instead of tending to the long line of customers. Daydreaming made the day go by quickly, and my choice became clearer.
I parked my car along the curb and climbed out, heading straight for my bedroom before I lost the courage. I packed everything I thought I would need in my suitcase and placed the new book on Sasha’s twin-sized bed before walking downstairs to ruin my parents' evening.
Dad peeled the newspaper back enough to glance at me standing there holding my suitcase, “You plan on running away or something?”
His joke made Mom abandon the chicken pot pie she was preparing for dinner.
“I can’t stay here,” I cried, watching my father’s expression transition from light and playful to concerned. “I’ve tried, but I just can’t.”
“You can’t leave either,” he reiterated sternly.
“If I stay, I’m already dead inside.”
Dad didn’t understand how I could make such a bold statement so casually, so he flipped to Mom.
“Camille, say something!” He demanded.
She was stuck at a fork in the road, torn between her motherly instinct to protect her firstborn and her support for my journey into womanhood.
The latter won.
“You’re an adult now. We can’t make you stay.”
“Like hell, we can’t! Are you crazy? She could get herself killed.” Dad began spiraling because it was clear she hadn’t shared our conversation from earlier.
“What can we do, Albert ? Lock her up until she comes to her senses?”
Nothing about this stoic man, said Albert . They were pushovers- a word that didn’t belong in the same sentence as Rodney Canton.
He didn’t care anything about me being grown . I was still the little girl who gave him a hard time when he started dating Mom. He never let it run him away. Instead, it made him commit harder to being a father. So much so that he legally adopted me because he refused for me to be the only person in the house with a different last name.
“If that’s what it takes,” he threatened. Leaving Autumn Grove was a suicide mission that Dad was prepared to stop by any means necessary.
“Daddy, I-.”
He raised his hand, forcing my lips to clamp shut.
“Don’t Daddy me! Not when you’re trying to ruin your goddamn life or worse!”
“She’s made up her mind. We can’t be with her every second, and making her stay tonight prolongs the inevitable. She doesn’t want to be here, Albert, and we can’t force her.”
Dad had yet to master that level of parenting. Mom made peace with letting go while his solution was holding on tighter.
“You and Mom have lived. This is all I’ve known, and that’s just not enough for me.” His hooded eyebrows made my feet afraid to move, but I dropped my suitcase anyway. I slowly walked over to him, and his eyes followed, glaring down at me in confusion as I wrapped my arms around him. “Please don’t be upset.”
“I’m trying to understand Babygirl. I swear I am, but this isn’t a movie. Life outside of Autumn Grove is dangerous.”
“I’ll be okay. You don’t have to worry,” I reasoned, but Dad had lived enough that he wasn’t as confident.
His cold brown eyes softened. Dad hugged me and kissed my head, afraid to let go.
“You can leave, but if you do understand, you can’t come back,” Mom explained.
“Camille,” Dad scoffed because her statement felt harsh.
But Mom refused to budge. I had drawn my line in the sand, and so did she.
“I don’t want you to misunderstand what I’m saying. You don’t have to leave, but I can’t let you come back if you do. We have Sasha to think about, too. It’s no telling who may trace you back here, and I can’t have that.”
“We all need to have dinner and take a moment.”
But that’s where I disagreed with Dad, so I replied, “I understand,” forcing him to throw his hands up because we were too much alike let him tell it.
Those two words felt like a gut punch as she spun around to finish dinner. Mom hid her pain well. You'd never know she was crying if it wasn’t for her shoulders quivering. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the same strength. I couldn’t ignore the gnawing feeling clawing at me like she could.
“You don’t have to do this.” Dad attempted one final ditch effort to change my mind.
I walked over to the sink and wrapped Mom in my arms. Resting my head against her back forced her to stop what she was doing and brace the counter because it killed her to watch me leave.
But staying would kill me, and I just couldn’t. I turned to leave, but he was standing at the door in true Dad fashion, waiting to walk me to my car. He dropped my suitcase in the backseat and stared at me sadly.
“It’s not goodbye,” I explained because the sadness in his eyes almost made me give in.
“I owe you an apology,” he said, and my mouth rushed open. He raised his hand, silencing me one last time. “I never understood how a father could not want to be around you. Your smile. Your infectious personality. You’re half the reason I fell in love with your Mom. I promised myself I would always be there for you. Be the man you deserved because he didn’t, but somehow, standing here right now, I feel like I failed.”
Listening to him internalize my decision, my eyes watered. “This is just something I need to do for myself. Besides, you could never fail. You stayed when you didn’t have to, and he didn’t.” I shrugged because I didn’t know much about my biological father. Mom said he wanted it that way, and she didn’t fight it. “For that, you’ll always be my number one guy.”
Dad pretended that a gnat had flown in his eyes, but I think he needed my words as much as I needed his. After shoving all his cash in my pocket, he opened the door so I could slip inside.