Jacob
The stark lights of the cafe were blinding. It was noisy and crowded, and the smell of syrup and fried batter laced the air.
‘Do you really think we need all of this?’ Olivia was eyeing the bowls of desserts laid out in front of them.
‘And we’ll die much sooner if we eat all this sugar-coated fat.’
‘Aha! I like it when you get all feisty.’
Olivia rolled her eyes, but Jacob couldn’t help but notice the smile that pulled at the corner of her mouth. She prodded suspiciously at another bowl of syrupy dessert.
‘Can I ask you some questions now? Or do I have to wait until after you’ve sent your sugar levels through the roof?’
‘About that …’
‘Here we go,’ she huffed, leaning back in her seat and folding her arms, reminding Jacob simultaneously of a disgruntled old woman and a petulant toddler.
‘You still get to ask me questions, it’s just I thought we could spice it up a bit …’
He cringed at his turn of phrase. Who said ‘spice it up’ these days? The sugar must have gone to his head already.
‘And how do you propose we do that?’
‘I thought we could play a game.’
Olivia’s brow furrowed. ‘A game?’
‘Yes, using these.’ Jacob reached into his pocket and pulled out his two very worn-looking dice. ‘Basically, you roll the dice like so.’ He let the two wooden cubes fall out of his palm and on to the table. ‘If it’s an even number, you get to ask me a question; if it’s odd, I get to ask you one.’
‘Why can’t we have a normal conversation like normal people, where I ask you a question and you answer it?’
‘Because normal people don’t exist. And this way is much more fun.’
‘For you, maybe.’
‘Come on
, at least give it a go.’
‘Jacob, are you ever serious?’ She sighed.
‘Roll the dice, and if you get the right number, maybe
I’ll give you an answer.’
He popped another syrup-soaked ball into his mouth and watched the myriad of emotions unfolding on her face. He knew that deep down, under all the layers of control and organization, lived a playful version of Olivia. There was one in everybody, if you looked hard enough.
‘Fine
,’ she conceded eventually, picking up the dice and shaking them in her hands. ‘But I get to add in a rule.’
‘Go on …’
‘If we don’t want to answer a question, we can use a pass. We have three each.’
He had to hand it to her, an escape clause was a fantastic idea. Jacob knew that there were a lot of questions he would rather not answer, parts of himself that even he was loath to talk about, but it was interesting to learn she felt the same.
‘Hmm, that sounds fair enough,’ he agreed. ‘Let’s play!’
Olivia let the dice roll.
‘Two threes,’ he announced. ‘The floor is yours; ask away.’
His heartbeat quickened underneath his shirt as he watched her searching for a starting point. Her eyes looked suddenly brighter with the power the dice had afforded her.
‘OK, let’s start nice and easy. Where did you grow up?’
Oh, Olivia, you’re going to have to do better than that.
‘Surrey,’ he replied swiftly, gathering the dice and handing them to her. ‘Roll again.’
‘Excuse me! I wanted a bit more detail than just Surrey.’
‘Ask more specific questions, then.’ He sat forward in his seat. ‘You get as good as you give in this game.’
Olivia snatched the dice and rolled once more, her expression darkening a little in frustration.
‘Look at that’ – Jacob pointed – ‘a four and a five. My turn!’ He leant further across the table, his fingers drumming a mindless rhythm on the surface, his question already fully formed in his mind. ‘Now tell me, what’s the real reason you decided to come to India?’
Olivia recoiled ever so slightly, her face remaining impassive but her body revealing the impact of his words. He knew there was more to her trip than she was letting on.
After years of keeping his own secrets, it was easy to see when someone else was doing the same.
‘My sister bought me the ticket as a present,’ she eventually said. ‘I came because she wanted me to.’
‘Aha!’ he cheered, banging his fist down on the Formica table. ‘I knew it wasn’t your idea!’
‘No, I can safely say it was not.’
‘Your sister must be awesome – that’s one hell of a gift!’
‘Yeah. She is.’
Jacob wanted to probe further into why Olivia looked so desperately unhappy in that moment, but he knew better than anyone that the rules of the game must be followed. If he wanted another question, he had to earn it.
‘Go on, roll again.’
And she did, relief washing over her as a four and a two lay face up on the table.
‘Your turn, Olivia … ask away.’
‘Yesterday, when I asked you why you came back to India if you’ve been here before, you said it was a long story. I want to know why. Why did you decide to come back?’
Jacob ran his tongue across his teeth. ‘I’m impressed, well remembered.’
‘Why, thank you.’ She took a sip of her chai with satisfaction. ‘Please proceed to answer whenever you’re ready.’
The temptation to pass was strong, but he knew there were better things to save his passes for. As Olivia herself had said, prioritization was key.
‘The thing is’ – he took in a deep breath – ‘I didn’t decide to come back.’
‘Well, you obviously did, because here you are.’
‘Yes, but I
don’t decide where to go.’ He gestured to the dice staring at them both from the table. ‘These do.’
‘I don’t get it.’
‘Every week I roll the dice. If it’s an odd number, I stay where I am; if it’s even, I move on. I have a list of possible places to go, all decided by the number on the dice.’
Jacob knew she’d think he was crazy, that his way of life would be totally alien to her. But the reality of seeing Olivia’s eyes as wide as her mouth, staring blankly at him in total horror, was harder to take than he thought.
‘You don’t,’ she said at last. ‘You don’t seriously do that.’
‘Yes, I do.’
‘But … but that’s crazy
.’
‘More crazy than not having a phone?’ He dipped his finger in a bowl of cooling syrup and licked it.
‘Yes, obviously!’
‘Why?’
‘Because
. What if you’re somewhere awful and you hate it? What if there’s an emergency and you have to get out of a place? You can’t just stay because some random number says so.’
‘If there was an emergency, I’d leave. But touch wood’ – he tapped two fingers to the top of his head – ‘that doesn’t happen.’
Olivia sat there, her mouth opening and closing, without so much as a whisper of sound escaping.
‘I wish you could see your face right now; you look horrified!’
‘I am.’
‘Why?’
‘Because it’s totally outrageous
! I mean, it’s a logistical nightmare. How many places do you have written down? How often do you change them?’
‘Technically
I should make you roll again before I answer.’
Don’t push her, she’s already set to head into a meltdown.
‘Fine.’ She picked up the dice and put them back down on exactly the same numbers. ‘Oh wow, look, another four and a two.’
‘I’m seeing another side to you, Olivia,’ Jacob replied in admiration.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out his precious, ragged-looking notebook.
‘I make lists. I roll for the country and then a place within that country. Whatever number I get will correspond to a destination I’ve written down. Wherever it says, I go to next.’
‘And you’re being totally, 100 per cent serious?’ Olivia stared dumbfounded at the notebook. ‘You’re not making this up?’
Jacob flipped open the book and pushed it towards her, tapping the page that contained his list of scribbled place names. ‘This is one of those rare moments when I am being deadly serious.’
‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘I’m guessing it’s a little different from how you travel, then?’ Jacob closed the book and tucked it back into his pocket.
‘Just a little! I like to plan things.’
‘You said that before.’
‘But, like … everything. In an extraordinary amount of detail.’
He noticed her cheeks colouring at the edges. ‘Christ, don’t tell me you have a spreadsheet,’ he joked, and then, seeing Olivia’s reaction, dropped his jaw in horror. ‘You do, don’t you?’
‘Maybe …’
‘More than one?’
‘Maybe.
’
‘Jesus, I bet it’s all colour coordinated with little code words, isn’t it?’ he marvelled. ‘Can I see it?’
‘No!’
Her embarrassment was endearing.
‘Why not? I showed you my list.’
‘Yes, but you’ll just make fun of mine. And besides, I don’t want you to know where I’m heading to next.’ She regained her composure, shooting him a sarcastic look. ‘You might follow me again, like you did at the market.’
‘Hey, I was not following you. And even if I wanted to, I couldn’t, could I?’ He picked up the dice and shook them at Olivia. ‘The universe decides where I go, not me.’
‘The universe isn’t a thing
, Jacob.’
Well, why is it that we’re sitting here? Why did I come back to Delhi? Why did we run into each other, not once but twice?
‘If you say so.’ He drained the dregs of his tea and shrugged. ‘Now, do you want to roll again, or do you need to get back home?’
He didn’t want to give her any more reasons to dislike him, and he sensed making her late would be a deal-breaker.
‘Holy shit.’ She pulled out her phone and gave a jolt. ‘It’s nearly midnight!’
‘Well, you know they say time flies when you’re having fun.’
Olivia gave him a scathing look as she gathered her things and made her way towards the exit.
‘You want to share a tuk-tuk home? I can drop you off en route?’
As they stepped on to the street it was clear that, although the air may have become a little cooler, the madness and mayhem of the daytime had not relented at all.
‘Sure, are we going in the same direction?’
‘Kind of …’ He spotted a sleeping man in an empty rickshaw across the road. ‘Hey!’ Jacob ran over and woke him from his slumber. ‘You free, buddy?’
‘Well, I was
sleeping, but I guess now you’ve woken me up, I’m free. Where are you going?’
‘The Evergreen Hotel and then on to the Red Town hostel.’
‘I’ll do Red Town hostel first as it’s closest, and then Evergreen.’
Jacob could feel Olivia’s eyes boring into him from across the street. He lowered his voice, making sure it couldn’t be carried on the breeze.
‘No. Can you do Evergreen first? I want to drop off my friend before me.’
‘It will cost you double.’
‘Double!’ he cried, at which point he heard Olivia’s footsteps racing up behind him.
‘Is everything OK?’
‘Yes, it’s fine, I’m just trying to negotiate.’
‘Negotiate?’ The driver snorted, still horizontal in his seat. ‘He’s trying to get me to go out of my way and not pay for the inconvenience.’
‘Jacob, if your hotel is near by, I’ll go by myself.’
He went to protest, but she cut him off. ‘Honestly. It’s fine.’
‘Are you sure?’
But before he’d even finished the sentence, Olivia had climbed inside the back of the rickshaw.
‘I’m sure. I let you pay for dinner; I’m not letting you do this too. I can look after myself you know.’
And we don’t have time to look after anyone else
…
The thought tugged on his conscience.
‘All right, fine.’
‘Good.’ She adjusted herself in her seat. ‘Just one stop – to the Evergreen Hotel, please.’
‘At last, someone talking sense.’ The driver kicked the tuk-tuk into life, arranging himself into a slightly more upright position.
‘Well, Miss Olivia, thank you for a wonderful evening.’
‘Thank you
again for dinner.’
‘My pleasure.’ The tuk-tuk was about to pull away when Jacob was struck with a thought. ‘Wait!’
‘What now?’ the driver grunted.
Jacob crouched down so that he was at eye level with Olivia. ‘You don’t happen to have a pen on you, do you?’
‘I think so.’ She looked at him in confusion. ‘Why?’
‘Can I borrow it?’
‘Are we going or not?’ the grumpy driver shot back. ‘You woke me up and now you don’t want to go?’
‘Hold on, buddy, two seconds.’ Jacob held his hand out. ‘Pen?’
Olivia rifled through her backpack and presented a biro from its depths.
‘Thank you.’ He took the pen and then grabbed Olivia’s hand and began to write on it.
‘Hey!’ She tried to pull her hand away. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Hold on … one more second …’ He stuck his tongue out in concentration, hoping that he wasn’t pressing too hard on her freckled skin. ‘There we go!’
Olivia looked down. The letters were just about visible in the dark.
‘Is that—?’
‘My email address. I thought you might like it – you know, just in case.’
Olivia brought her hand close to her chest, cradling it as though it might break. ‘Thank you,’ she breathed, their faces so close that he could feel it tickle his cheeks.
The air suddenly felt heavy and dense. Olivia’s lips, so delicately pink, parted slightly.
Jacob’s insides twisted, his lungs struggling to draw breath, his entire being prickling in anticipation.
There was a moment, the briefest of moments when the world felt easy.
When his life was his own, and he could simply reach out to the girl in front of him and kiss her.
When the consequences of his decision didn’t matter.
But they do.
They always do.
And just like that, reality knocked him back down to earth with a brutal blow.
‘Right then.’ Jacob stood, hitting the top of the tuk-tuk decisively. ‘I’ll say goodnight.’ He prayed she hadn’t heard the quiver in his voice as he tried to scoop his emotions back up inside himself.
‘Oh.’ Olivia dropped her head. ‘Goodnight, then.’
The rickshaw began to pull away. Jacob balled his fists and stood still, forcing his body to remain where it was. Fighting the urge to ignore his logic. Fighting the urge to run after her. To feel the silk of her skin and to look, one last time, into those big ocean eyes.
Let her go.
For her sake, you have to let her go.
And he did. Although it took all of his might, he did it. Because ultimately, what other choice did he have?