Jacob
All alone.
Normally his solitude was his one constant comfort. However, over the past few days he had to admit that his solo pursuit had, at times, felt a little lonely. Had it only
taken three days for him to get accustomed to company?
To enjoy having another pair of eyes to view things with, and another brain to share ideas with.
He was annoyed at himself for thinking it could be any other way.
Hadn’t he learnt, from doing this for five years, that the moment you open yourself up, you immediately invite in the fall?
And the last thing we can afford to do is fall …
Jacob could feel his swollen feet throbbing against the seams of his ragged trainers.
His legs were so heavy with exhaustion that the last few steps towards his hostel felt like an impossible task.
Today he had outdone himself, covering miles and miles in a vain attempt to settle his mind.
All day it had been racing with thoughts, flitting erratically from one thing to the next.
A thousand insects were trapped inside his skull, whispering her name over and over.
And then, like clockwork she would appear.
The same face with the same blue eyes. So close to his, and yet so completely and utterly out of reach.
Yes, and for good reason.
At last, Jacob reached the front door, and with all the remaining effort he had, pushed it open and stepped inside the brightly lit reception.
His weary heart lifted a little when he saw the oversized teenager hunched behind the front desk.
Jacob selfishly had to admit he was glad that Kushal was still working in his father’s hostel; it was always nice to start the day with a friendly, albeit often exasperated, face.
‘Jesus, Kushal, are you still here? I thought you only worked the day shifts?’
The boy turned his drooping eyes to Jacob. He had the expression of an old man, but the facial hair of a teenage boy. ‘Someone called in sick, so I said I’d help out.’ His fine moustache fluttered as he sighed.
‘Very admirable of you.’
‘Not really. My dad said if I didn’t help he wouldn’t pay me for the month, so what was I meant to do?’
‘Say no? Demand a raise?’
The boy barked out a laugh, sending his chins wobbling. ‘You haven’t met my dad.’
‘No, but I’ve met mine and, trust me, I’m sure yours is a welcome gift in comparison.’ Jacob leant against the wooden counter.
‘I don’t know. Your parents must be cool to let you go travelling by yourself.’
‘They didn’t have a choice. I was an adult – what could they do?’
‘Lock the doors and tell you that you weren’t going? I reckon that’s what my mum would do. She won’t even let me go down the road without worrying I’ll burst into flames and die. It’s so annoying
.’
The whine in Kushal’s voice sent Jacob straight back to his teenage days of raging hormones and sprouting body hair. Of stuffy bedrooms that smelt like guinea pig hutches, and uncontrollable urges to break things. To kiss girls. To run away from home and never come back …
‘Come on, that’s only because she loves you.’
‘Too much, if you ask me.’
‘That’s just mums for you, I think.’
Guilt prickled the back of Jacob’s throat. He’d forgotten how quickly even the most innocent talk of families could take him back to places he didn’t want to go.
Thankfully, Kushal seemed just as reluctant to continue the topic, reaching for one of three chocolate bars sitting in front of him.
‘You want one?’
‘Nah, you’re OK, buddy. I reckon you deserve that sugar hit after the day you’ve had.’
‘Tell me about it.’ He ungracefully shoved half of the first bar into his mouth. ‘Anyway, how was your day?’
‘It was good. I stayed local, just wandered around a bit.’
‘A bit? You’ve been gone all day.’
‘I know, but there’s just so much to see and I am only one man.’
‘True. How long are you staying here for, again?’
‘Not sure yet.’ The dice felt heavy in his pocket. ‘Going to play it by ear. See where the wind takes me and all that.’
‘Don’t you …’ the young boy began to ask, before stopping himself and taking another sizeable bite from his chocolate.
‘Go on. Don’t I …?’
‘Well, I suppose I was thinking.’ He shuffled awkwardly in his already too-small seat. ‘You’ve been travelling a while now, right?’
‘Five years, give or take.’
‘So, do you ever get lonely? Without your friends and stuff.’
From the vaults of his memory, a flood of old faces surfaced.
Ghosts from a past life reaching him all the way from sleepy Surrey.
Ties that he had severed, purposefully …
intentionally. He had been too young to fully know the pain of a lonely life, but it was one that he had chosen gladly over the alternative.
‘Sorry, that’s probably a bit personal,’ Kushal backtracked.
‘No, it’s fine!’ Jacob forced himself back to the present, blinking away the visions of his childhood. ‘I just don’t think anyone could feel lonely in a place like this. There’s never a dull moment!’ His laugh was empty and flat. ‘And you can always make friends as you go.’
‘That’s true. Have you met anyone cool so far in Delhi?’
The china-blue eyes appeared in a flash.
‘I have, actually.’ The honesty felt refreshing after his collection of lies. ‘In fact, you don’t know any good internet cafes around here, do you?’
‘Sure, but if you want to check something, just use our computer.’
‘Won’t your dad mind?’
‘He’ll probably be glad that someone is stopping me from playing video games on it for a bit.’ He laughed, sending his moustache rippling once again. ‘You need to check something?’
‘It’s only an email.’
‘You want to do it now?’
No.
‘Yes.’ He was taken aback by the eagerness of his own response. ‘If that’s OK?’
‘Sure. It’s slow as hell, but it will do the job.’ Kushal hoisted himself up and pulled out the chair for Jacob to take. ‘I’ll go grab a chai while you do your thing.’
‘OK, cool, I won’t be long.’
Nervous energy tingled across Jacob’s skin, and his fingers felt as though they couldn’t move quick enough as he began typing in his login details.
When was the last time he’d checked his inbox?
How many messages would be waiting for him?
How many of those would he ever even open?
As the page loaded, guilt raked over him.
Ten unread emails. Fifty unread emails. One hundred …
Focus on the task. Look for her name. Only her name.
As he scanned the list, he noticed that although the majority were junk, there were a few familiar names that caught his attention. His mother would appear every ten messages or
so, her emails as constant as the ‘looking for love?’ and ‘you’ve won a million pounds’ promotional crap that flooded the screen. And then, sprinkled in between, like sharp spikes of nostalgia, were other names, their jubilant subject lines aggressively screaming at him.
Jamie’s Engagement Party!!!
Join Connor and Izzy in welcoming their beautiful baby girl Elsie.
Sara is turning 30 – let’s celebrate!
Why were they there? And why were there so many?
Hadn’t he done that thing where all non-essential messages were filed away automatically? Hadn’t he specifically blocked their email addresses?
He knew it sounded cold, and at first it was quite nice to hear the news from back home, to see the way everybody else’s lives were unfolding in the way he had expected his to.
But then there came a point when it didn’t feel relevant any more.
In fact, it felt painful. He was away from that world and unlikely to ever rejoin it.
He was here now.
And here was all that mattered.
Quickly and efficiently, he moved the messages to junk and then, at last, he spotted it.
An email from Olivia Jackson herself.
A wave of joy erupted from within, extinguishing the heaviness in his chest. Without hesitation, he clicked on the message and began to read, trying as hard as he could to ignore the voice in his head screaming at him to stop.
‘Wow, it must be somebody special.’ Kushal snorted,
making Jacob jump in his seat. ‘Your face is practically touching the screen.’
‘Jesus! When did you sneak in?’ Jacob shifted an inch back, suddenly conscious of how much he had crept forward in his seat.
‘You were probably too engrossed in your message to notice.’
‘My eyesight is bad, what can I say? Another perk of getting older.’
Kushal clicked his tongue and went back to munching on his chocolate bar.
‘So, who is it from?’
‘Just a friend.’
‘I see. And are you going to reply?’
No.
Yes.
Maybe?
Jacob’s hands instinctively flew to the dice in his pocket. There was only one way to solve this.
‘Not sure.’ He plucked them free and held them in the air. ‘Let’s see, shall we?’
‘You’re going to roll a pair of dice to decide this?’
‘Why not?’
The young boy huffed, slouching his weight over the front of the counter. ‘You’re a weird man – you know that, don’t you?’
‘Yes, but with very good reason to be.’
Jacob shook the wooden dice and screwed his eyes shut tight.
Evens is yes. Odds is no …
He opened his palm and let them free, unable to hide his joy at the two sixes staring up at him.
‘What’s the result then, numbers boy?’ Kushal peered over. ‘Is it good or bad?’
‘Well, my friend …’ Jacob began to type his response, refocusing his attention on the screen in front of him. ‘I think you’ll find it’s a bit of both.’