Olivia
‘Where are you?’ Kate asked. ‘Are you nearly there?’
The second she was out of the office doors, she’d called her friend. Not only to panic about the fact she’d left work during the middle of the day with no warning, but also to fill her in on what was happening and to ask very kindly if she could borrow her car to drive all the way to Surrey.
‘I’m here, but …’
‘What?’
Olivia took a deep breath. ‘I don’t know if I can go inside.’
‘Are you serious
?’
‘What if it’s weird between us?’ Olivia leant back in her seat. ‘What if he doesn’t want me there? I don’t think he even knows I’m coming.’
‘Does it matter? His mum asked you to come. You’ve driven two hours to be there. You walked out of work
, Olivia! Can I remind you how much of a big deal that is?’
Her voice quietened. ‘And besides, you know more than anyone what it’s like to be in this situation.’
Leah’s tiny face appeared before her eyes. Olivia felt her insides knot.
‘I know.’ She exhaled, gathering up her courage from the corners it had hidden in. ‘You’re totally right.’
‘What’s the house like, by the way?’
‘Kate!’ Olivia remarked. ‘What kind of a question is that?’
‘I’m curious, that’s all. From what you’ve told me about him, I can’t picture it.’
‘It’s …’ She looked out of the window at the towering mansion in front of her. No wonder he could afford to spend his days travelling the world, with a house like that. ‘Huge
. Like, really huge. Super posh.’
‘It’s always the ones you least suspect, hey?’ Kate sighed. ‘Anyway, enough of me distracting you: get your arse in there.’
Olivia sat a little taller and took a short, sharp inhale. ‘OK. I’ll call you later?’
‘You’d better. Now go!’
Kate hung up the phone before Olivia could even say goodbye.
You can do this. You can do this. You can absolutely do this.
She wound down the window and reached over to the intercom buzzer.
‘Hello?’ a lady’s voice crackled.
‘Erm … hi,’ Olivia replied shyly. ‘It’s Olivia. Olivia Jackson. We spoke on the phone …’
‘Olivia! Oh my goodness, hello. Come in, come in. Park anywhere,’ she replied, buzzing open the gates.
Olivia pulled forwards slowly, trying not to gasp out loud
as the true grandeur of the house came into view. She pulled up next to a gleaming 4X4 in Kate’s little Fiat.
Her stomach now felt so twisted she wanted to double over and weep.
But there was no turning back now; Jacob’s mum was already at the front door waiting for her.
She looked older than she imagined, her blonde hair almost completely grey at the roots, her eyes marked with the tell-tale black circles of a mother who hasn’t slept in weeks.
‘Hi, Mrs Green.’
‘Please, as I said on the phone, call me Helen.’ She pulled Olivia in for a tight embrace. ‘Thank you so much for coming.’
‘That’s all right. How is he?’
‘So-so.’
Olivia knew that was the parent code for ‘terrible’. She offered a consoling smile.
‘And does he …’ The question that had been plaguing her ever since she’d left London. ‘Does he know that I’m here?’
‘No.’ Helen loosened her hold. ‘But I know he’ll be so glad you are. Come, he’s upstairs …’
Olivia silently followed Helen through an enormous hallway and up a sweeping staircase.
‘Don’t be alarmed at his appearance; he probably looks very different compared to when you last saw him.’ She added sadly, ‘He’s still handsome to me though.’
‘My sister was very sick not long ago, so I’m used to how quickly the body can change.’ Olivia gave a small smile. ‘And don’t worry, he’ll always be handsome to me too.’
Helen placed a hand on Olivia’s shoulder. ‘Oh my, I’d better not cry in front of him. He hates that.’ She wiped her eyes and steadied herself. ‘Here we are.’
They were standing outside a dark wooden door, one of
many down a long, narrow corridor. Helen knocked loudly, and Olivia felt her heart shoot up into her throat.
‘Jacob, darling?’ she called. ‘I have a surprise for you.’
‘Is it that life-sized chocolate sculpture I asked you for the other day?’ a familiar voice croaked back.
‘No. It’s something much better.’ Slowly, she opened the door and beckoned Olivia to follow her through.
‘What on earth could be better than a giant chocolate statue of me?’ Jacob laughed wearily.
‘This!’ Helen announced, stepping aside to reveal Olivia.
It was as though someone had flicked a switch and sent them all into slow motion. Jacob’s face was mutinous, his charcoal eyes wide in his gaunt face. Olivia noticed his bony hands grip the edge of the duvet cover so tightly that his already ghostly white knuckles became luminous.
‘Hi,’ Olivia murmured, the tension of the moment making her voice audibly shrink.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ He recoiled, turning to his mum. ‘What the hell
is she doing
here?’
‘Don’t be like that, darling,’ his mum purred sweetly, her hold on Olivia so firm it hurt a little. ‘She’s here to cheer you up!’
‘Why?’ he spat. ‘How?
’
Olivia wanted the ground to swallow her whole. To chew her up and spit her back out somewhere far away from this awful situation. She was a fool for coming. What had she been thinking?
‘I saw you looking at her email every day and how desperately sad you were becoming, so I messaged Olivia here and asked her to visit you.’
‘No,’ he hissed.
‘Come on, sweetie,’ Helen pleaded.
‘I said no
.’
Olivia felt her cheeks start to burn.
‘But she’s come all this way.’
‘I don’t care
. I don’t want her here. I don’t want anyone
here.’ His skeletal chest was rising and falling rapidly, his fingers still clutching on to the covers as though his life depended on it. ‘I don’t need some pity party. I don’t want
anyone to see me. What part of that don’t you understand?’ He turned his hollow eyes to Olivia. ‘Get out.’
‘Jacob darl—’
‘I said, GET OUT
,’ he screamed at the pair of them.
Helen began to sob, and Olivia felt the urge to join her. Instead, she swallowed hard and turned to leave.
‘I’m sorry, Jacob. I didn’t mean to upset you.’ She stole one last look at him before walking as fast as she could from the bedroom.
‘How dare you be like that, Jacob? How could you be so cruel?’ Helen’s cries could be heard all the way down the stairs, but within seconds Olivia was outside and sitting in the car.
‘Why!’ she shouted, slamming her hands on the steering wheel. ‘Why, why, why
did you think this was a good idea?’ Tears were running thick and fast down her cheeks, her chest heaving for breath. His hollowed face haunted her thoughts.
You can’t save everyone.
You can’t fix everything.
A tentative knock on the window jolted her.
‘Olivia?’ Helen called.
‘I shouldn’t have come, I’m sorry.’
‘Olivia, please.’ She tapped again on the window. ‘I’m the one that should be sorry. Can we at least talk for a second?’
Olivia wound down the window and sat back in her seat.
‘I’m so sorry about that. He’s just upset, he doesn’t know what he’s saying. I thought a surprise was a good idea, but clearly …’ She sighed deeply. ‘Anyway, at least come and have a cup of tea with me. You can’t drive home when you’re upset like this. It isn’t safe.’
Through the streams of Olivia’s tears, Helen’s face began to blur into that of her mother. Lonely, tired and weighed down with grief.
‘I have biscuits.’ She smiled hopefully. ‘And some cake.’
In that moment, it dawned on Olivia that maybe it wasn’t Jacob who needed her today.
‘Well, who can say no to cake?’
*
Olivia took the steaming cup of tea from Helen and let its warmth begin to soothe her.
‘When my sister was really bad, I think we must have consumed about a litre of tea every day.’
Helen came to sit opposite her and placed a glistening Victoria sponge on the table between them.
‘I’m not surprised. It makes you feel so much better about life, doesn’t it?’ She nodded to the cake. ‘Can I cut you a slice?’
‘Yes, please.’
Olivia took a sip and felt the emotional whirlwind inside her settle.
‘How is your sister doing now?’
Olivia closed her eyes and took another sip of tea.
‘Oh.’ Jacob’s mum nodded, her grip on the knife tightening a little more. ‘I see.’
‘She passed away a few months ago, actually.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Thank you. She was sick for a very long time, so it wasn’t unexpected.’
‘But that doesn’t make it any easier, I suppose.’
Helen placed the crumbling cake on to her plate.
‘No, it doesn’t.’ The sweet smell of vanilla reminded Olivia of the softness of her sister’s skin. ‘How long has Jacob been sick for?’
The words still felt strange to say out loud.
‘A long time too. He was first diagnosed when he was fifteen years old.’
‘Wow.’
‘Yes, I know. Gosh, it seems like a lifetime ago when I think back to it now.’
‘Was it always …’
‘In the brain?’ Helen finished, squashing pieces of cake crumbs together with her finger.
‘Yes. The first time he beat it quite quickly, but it came back. He beat it again, then it came back again. It was a constant war that he never seemed to win. Eventually, he decided to take himself out of the ring.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘He stopped treatment. On his twenty-fifth birthday, he decided enough was enough. He didn’t want to do it any more; he was tired of fighting a losing battle for his life. Instead, he wanted to live whatever life he had left to the full. That’s when he took off travelling.’
Olivia felt the pieces of the puzzle slowly slot into place.
‘That must have been hard for you.’
‘It was heartbreaking, but what could I do? He wasn’t a child any more. He was a man, and a very stubborn one at that.’
Olivia tried to swallow down the lump in her throat. ‘If it
helps, I can assure you that Jacob has certainly been living his life to the fullest.’
‘It does.’ Helen reached across and placed her hand over Olivia’s. ‘More than you know.’
‘Do you mind me asking what brought him back to England?’
This question had been front of mind ever since she’d received Helen’s email. What had been the turning point? What had happened for him to admit defeat and come home?
‘From what he’s told me’ – Helen took a slow inhale – ‘he started feeling unwell; headaches and clumsiness to start with, but it soon progressed into dizzy spells and severe migraines.’
The night on the moped.
‘He ended up crashing his bike quite badly and was taken to hospital. They did a scan to check for concussion and found another tumour. He refused the operation but decided to come home.’ She hesitated to gain some composure. ‘He’s been here ever since.’
The pair sat quietly for a moment, Olivia letting the information sink in, a niggling feeling of guilt gnawing at her conscience.
‘We crashed,’ she admitted, ‘when we were coming back from the beach one day. Jacob was driving, and he went all quiet and lost control of the bike. I tried to make him go to the doctor’s afterwards. I knew
something wasn’t right, but … but …’ She shook her head, disappointment and shame clamping down on her chest.
‘He refused to go? He laughed it off and pretended it was all fine?’ Helen lifted Olivia’s chin with her finger. ‘Of course he did.’
‘But maybe I could have done more? Maybe it could have been caught sooner.’
I could have saved him.
At least I could have tried to save him.
‘My dear, please don’t beat yourself up about this. Even if you had forced him and they had caught it sooner, who’s to say he would have done anything about it except carry on as he was before? This is not your fault. My son is a master at playing pretend, and he’s stubborn as anything.’
‘I know that, but can’t he see how serious it is?’ The anguish in Olivia’s voice was undeniable, and so too was the anger. ‘Why won’t he have the operation?’
How could he willingly give up his life? How dare he throw any extra day he had given to him away? Especially when other people didn’t get that chance.
‘I don’t know. I’ve asked and pleaded and shouted and cried, but his answer remains the same.’
There was a brief silence, punctuated by Helen’s unexpected laugh.
‘I have to be honest with you, Olivia.’ She ran her finger distractedly around the rim of her cup. ‘Part of the reason I invited you here was to try and convince him to take the help. I thought, maybe if he saw you, realized how much he was about to lose, he would change his mind.’
‘I could have told you that wouldn’t have worked. He’s already said he won’t change for anyone. I’m not enough. Nobody is.’
The thought cracked the last remaining fragments of Olivia’s heart that had been clinging together.
‘But he loves you,’ Helen implored. ‘I know he does. That’s why he won’t let you see him. He’s stubborn and afraid and doesn’t want to upset you, but I hear the way he
talks about you, and I see the look in his eye when he says your name.’
Olivia’s heart tripped over itself. ‘It’s probably just the medication talking.’
‘Now you’re the one playing pretend.’ She reached for her hand and grabbed it firmly. ‘He loves you. And if one tiny part of you thinks you feel the same way, then please, before you go, at least say goodbye. Don’t leave things like this. At the very least, for your sake.’
Olivia let the tears fall, each one dropping salty pearls into her tea.
‘I wish it was just one tiny part of me that felt the same,’ she cried. ‘It would make this hurt a lot less.’
Helen squeezed her hand. ‘Well, my darling, what are you waiting for?’