Chapter Fifteen #2
I don t let anyone else do the things you do for me, she said.
The words rushed out, all jumbled together, her awkwardness as obvious as it was adorable.
I don t let anyone feed me or force me to take breaks or drag me outside to see the sun.
And lately I ve been thinking-what did I do before you?
Did I just . . . not eat? Not sleep? Not breathe?
I don t even remember, like it was so unimportant my brain didn t retain the information.
But that s not okay. Taking care of myself matters just as much as my work.
More than, he said mildly.
Don t push it. She pinched his side, then bit her lip, that mind of hers whirring so fast he almost felt the heat.
I love my job because it never demands more than I can give.
But lately I think I ve been offering too much.
Like maybe I ve forgotten . . . balance.
So last night, that s what Sorcha and I asked for. Balance.
That s good, Dan, he said softly. That s really good.
She snorted. It s really good that, at twenty-seven years old, I ve finally committed to eight hours a night and regular trips outside?
It s good that you realize you re more valuable as a person than an idea-machine.
Oh, gag. She smiled-just the tiniest tilt of her lips, but it left him feeling as if he d been knocked over the head with perfection. I can tell this is your job. You re very good at supportive pep talks.
You re not my job, Danika. Not even close.
Her eyes caught his for a second before easing away. I know.
If Zaf judged correctly, she d just hit her weekly threshold for emotionally vulnerable conversation in the space of ten minutes. Still, he couldn t let the moment fade, couldn t take the truths she d offered without sharing some of his own. I ve never really thought of Tackle It as my job, anyway.
Oh? she murmured, and he caught a flash of gratitude for the slight subject change.
He shrugged. Security is my job. Tackle It is .
. . my dream, maybe. Or my duty. Or both.
Something I can t leave alone. Which is why I, er, changed the About section on our website the other day and started altering the mission statement I put in our funding requests.
Just to reflect my reasons for doing this.
To mention that I went through loss, that I struggled with my own mental health.
You were right, before, he said, cupping her cheek.
I was worried about the mechanics of moving on, but that s not who I am.
Putting gold frames around my scars. That s who I am.
I know, she said again, this time with an incandescent smile. I m glad you know, too. I m proud of you, Zafir. Then she rose up on her toes and kissed his nose, and he thought he might never recover.
It turned out that a symposium was some big, academic event involving panels, presentations, research displays-all of that.
Zaf stayed by Danika s side for the first hour or so, and, even though he doubted DrRugbae watchers would be in high supply here, she held his hand.
If she weren t stressed out as fuck, he d have teased her for that-but she was.
Stressed out as fuck, that is. So, as the minutes ticked by, he concentrated on keeping her calm.
And when it was time for her to go, he caught her by the hips and kissed her with just a shadow of the devotion in his blood.
When she pulled back, she was dreamy-eyed and smiling, as if she felt it, too.
Tell me you feel it, too.
There we go, he murmured, and tapped her chin.
Fuck off, she said crisply, and kissed his cheek.
When he took a seat in the audience, the place where she d kissed him still fizzed, warm and alive.
He breathed in, rubbed his hands over his face, wondered if the way he felt about her shone out from him like starlight.
It was so bright and so fucking obvious, everyone in a five-mile radius must be able to see it.
When someone tapped him on the shoulder, he turned, certain they d say something like Wow. You re a goner, huh?
But they didn t. Instead, he found himself face-to-face with an excited-looking older man, a tall, lean guy with carefully combed wisps of gray hair and flushed pink cheeks. You re Zaf Ansari, he whispered, aren t you?
Zaf grunted and turned his attention back to Danika.
There were three other women sitting at the table with her.
Only one of them was black, so she was probably Inez Holly.
Then he saw the nervous way Dani shifted in her seat, the awestruck glance she sent in the older woman s direction, and decided that was definitely Inez Holly.
I m a big fan, the balding, pink-faced man whispered in Zaf s ear. Supported the Titans all my life. I was really gutted when you left. I-
Shut up, Zaf said. Professor Holly was short and compact, with graying, natural hair in a cloudy halo around her lined, nut-brown face.
Like Danika, she wore all black, and when she spoke, her voice was low and slow and considered, her accent broad and northern.
Something about the way she held herself, from the steady set of her shoulders to the no-nonsense line of her mouth, seemed to say, Respect is mandatory and I comfortably await your payment .
She kind of reminded him of Danika.
Excuse me, the pink-faced man hissed after a blessed few moments of silence. What did you say?
Zaf huffed out an impatient sigh and turned to face him.
I said my girlfriend has been worried about this panel for fucking centuries, and now it s happening, and if anyone talks over her or gets in the way of me hearing how incredibly smart she is, I will put that someone through a wall.
So it s really in both our interests for you to shut up .
He paused. Cheers, though. Appreciate it.
Right, the man said faintly.
Zaf turned back to the panel-and realized with a little start that, when he d called Danika his girlfriend, it hadn t been for show. He d meant it. Because she felt like his.
He needed to keep an eye on that. The problem was, he didn t want to.
Up on the platform, the speakers were invited to introduce themselves, and then the real discussion began.
A moderator asked questions and made sure everyone had a turn to comment on concepts that went straight over Zaf s head.
The talk still managed to be compelling, though-or maybe that was just Dani s voice, a shining golden thread gleaming out at him, husky and electric with enthusiasm.
It took her a little while to really get going-not that anyone who didn t know her would notice.
But after a few questions, she forgot to worry and lost herself in the topic, holding her own just like he knew she would.
At one point, she said something about examples of historic erasure being available in real time, right before our eyes, if we need a blueprint to justify our interpretation of past texts, and Inez Holly nodded her head approvingly and murmured, Mmm. Mm.
For a moment, he was worried Dani might actually dissolve from sheer pleasure and float away.
Or that she might jump up out of her seat and scream, Did you see that?
Did you see that, everyone? Inez Holly just nodded at me.
But she limited her reaction to a beaming smile.
Her gaze wandered across the crowd and found his, as if she d been searching for him, as if she wanted him to be a part of this moment.
And Zaf knew. He knew, once and for all, that he loved her.
So hard and so hopelessly that he couldn t deny it, couldn t fight it, couldn t hide from it for another fucking second.
He loved her intelligence and her ambition, her crystals and her sticky notes, her charming smiles and her dreamy ones.
He loved the way she thought in straight lines and facts but believed in magic to honor someone she d lost. He loved her chameleon curls and her passionate speeches and her awkward unfamiliarity with her own emotions. He just-he loved her.
Zaf remembered the man he d been three weeks ago, the man who d decided never to fall in love with Danika Brown, and realized he d discovered the meaning of hubris.
Oh fucking well.
Worth it.
It took Dani a good thirty minutes on the panel to realize that, even though she could feel her voice shaking with nerves, no one appeared able to hear it.
She didn t know how that was possible; she just knew that the audience watched her speak as if nothing strange was afoot, and her fellow panelists responded to her points with thoughtful respect, and Inez fucking Holly appeared to agree with her more than once, which must mean . . . it must mean . . .
It must mean everything was fine, and Dani was doing well.
It must mean that when Eve and Sorcha and Zaf had sworn she could do this, they hadn t been lying or soothing or biased.
They had been right. Which she d already known, logically, but now, as her heart slowed and her clammy palms dried and her confidence grew, she felt it. And it felt good.
When the panel finally ended and Dani headed over to Zaf, she was so exhilarated that she practically ran.
He caught her, thank goodness. Wrapped his arms around her and pressed her safe against his chest, kissed the top of her head and lifted her clean off her feet for a moment.
It was enormously undignified and completely unnecessary.
It wasn t as if anyone here cared about DrRugbae s public displays of affection, or even wanted those displays.
But Zaf loved touching her. And Dani-Dani was quite fond of Zaf.