Chapter Nineteen
T exting Zaf after what had happened really didn t seem like an option.
The idea of talking to him over the phone, without being able to see his face-or, worse, calling and him not picking up-felt even more ill-advised.
And turning up at his house after storming out just that morning wasn t acceptable, either, not in Dani s mind.
She wanted to get this right. Not someone else s idea of perfect, but right , for both of them.
To put it simply, they needed to talk. Shudder . After she d apologized. Double shudder . So Dani spent Sunday evening trimming her hair and dyeing it red for confidence while on the phone with her grandmother, searching for sage advice.
Men are difficult creatures, Gigi said as Dani slapped scarlet gloop onto her head. And it does sound as if you hurt his feelings, my dense little darling. Not that I blame you. You re far too delicate to be expected to weather the drama of sudden romantic confessions.
Dani did not consider herself remotely delicate, but she decided now wasn t the time to argue the point.
I was hoping you d have some sort of magic tip to help me win him over.
Because if the tables had been turned-if she d been brave enough to admit she loved Zaf, and he d thrown it back in her face-Dani knew very well she wouldn t be particularly understanding.
Not even if she knew all about his reasons.
Hurting a loved one was like running over someone s foot; you rarely meant to do it, but the bones still broke.
Tips? Gigi mused. Hmm. I rarely bother winning people back, darling, so I m afraid I won t be much use. Unless you want to hear about oral techniques-
Nooo , thank you. Nope. No. Definitely not.
I didn t think so. In that case, my beautiful buttercup-you know him best. You know how to explain and how to earn his forgiveness. I don t think anyone can help you with that.
The advice rang in Dani s ears as she rushed to Echo bright and early Monday morning, Zaf s cup of bitter black coffee warming her hand.
She d been too jittery to order a green tea for herself, gripped with the urgent need to see him, even if she had no idea how to explain herself, or make it up to him, or anything else.
She just had to see him, and tell him she loved him, and then she d figure it out from there.
Except Zaf wasn t at his desk.
Morning, duck. George beamed as she strode into the foyer. Nice hair.
Oh, Dani murmured, her steps faltering. It s . . . you. She couldn t help it if you came out sounding a bit like dog shit . She didn t want George s pink-cheeked smile. She wanted a grim-faced scowl.
George appeared unperturbed by her less-than-warm welcome. That for me? he asked hopefully, reaching for the coffee.
No. Dani jerked back, which was ridiculous.
Zaf wasn t here, and she certainly wasn t going to drink his awful brew.
But he must be around somewhere. He had to be.
She needed to give him this, and tell him she was sorry, and see if he d still brought her morning protein bar or if he d absolutely washed his hands of Dani and her poor nutrition, which she wouldn t blame him for.
Not because of the nutrition itself, but because she d been a shit. Where is Zafir?
George gave her an odd look. Called in sick. Thought you d know.
Sick? Right, Dani said calmly, as if she weren t absolutely stricken.
Of course. But there was no of course about it.
Zaf never called in sick. Never. She d noticed that the same way she d noticed everything about him, for months and months now: easily, without ever once realizing how closely she watched him or how fascinating she found even his mundanities.
He was wonderful, he was everything, and she d hurt him, and now he d called in sick. Shame curdled like sour milk in her belly. See you, she muttered to George, and scurried up the stairs.
The next day, she brought another coffee, but Zaf still wasn t there.
Dani swallowed hard in the face of George s slightly pitying smile, walked past the lift with a wistful, teary glance, and dragged herself up the stairs, which suddenly seemed to go on for miles.
She didn t know exactly what it meant when the person you loved stopped coming into work so they wouldn t have to see you, but it certainly didn t seem good.
She took a sip of Zaf s coffee, then squeaked in horror and dribbled it back into the cup.
Good Lord, that was disgusting. Were the man s taste buds made of concrete?
And now she d dribbled coffee on her chin, so she should probably go to the bathroom before continuing the day's tragic move-fest.
She turned the corner that led to the nearest bathroom just in time to see a familiar brown bob disappear behind the closing door.
Jo . Or maybe it wasn t, but it might be, and just that possibility stopped Dani in her tracks-because suddenly, in the midst of all her own pain, it seemed really, really urgent that she speak to Jo.
Jo, her friend. Jo, who d committed the grievous crime of developing feelings, which human beings often did, and had been punished for it because Dani wasn t in touch with her own.
Well, she was certainly in touch with her feelings now, every last stomach-churning one of them, and when it came to Jo, guilt was at the forefront.
Along with regret and honest-to-God sorrow, that Dani had hurt someone she cared about just because they d wanted something she hadn t.
So, like any reasonable ex-fuck buddy with stalkerish tendencies, she leaned against the wall and waited to hear a flush.
Five minutes later, the bathroom door opened, and Jo emerged, her brown bob razor-sharp as ever.
Beneath her lab coat, she was wearing black trousers and a midnight-blue shirt, one Dani used to love on her.
Of course, there were lots of things Dani had loved on Jo, or about Jo.
She d just never dared to consider the idea of loving Jo herself.
Which now struck her as a damned shame.
Christ, Jo yelped as she caught sight of Dani. Oh my God. What are you doing here? I mean-sorry, you probably just want the toilet-
No, actually, Dani said. I followed you.
Jo sighed. God, Dan, you re not supposed to admit that sort of thing. People will think you re weird.
I am weird, but that s beside the point. I wanted to talk.
Jo s lips tightened for a moment, but then she released a breath and shrugged. I suppose you can t still be angry with me, since you ve moved on with Mr. Big and Brooding. So what, exactly, do you want?
Dani ignored the twinge she felt at that mention of Zaf. I want, she said quietly, to apologize.
Jo blinked. Apologize? Really.
Yes.
I wasn t certain you knew the meaning of the word.
Don t be irritating, Josephine. I am attempting to prostrate myself before you.
Jo looked theatrically at the ground. I don t see it.
I missed you , Dani realized, and wanted to kick herself. I didn t deserve you. Not in any context. But it was better to attempt to do right by someone than to give in and refuse to try.
Jo sighed. God, you look so serious. And tired. You never look tired. Are you sick or something?
No. I m not sick. Simply repenting for my many mistakes.
Jo gave her a considering look and leaned against the wall. Go on, then. What s this apology for?
The entirety of our relationship.
Both women eyed each other for a moment, then smirked almost simultaneously.
I was a bad friend, Dani went on. You can t control feelings, but I blamed you when you felt things for me.
You were hurt and I didn t give you space to feel that.
I didn t respect that it was real. You were my friend and if you d come crying about some other woman, I would ve supported you.
So I should ve supported you when that woman was me
Jo took a deep breath and looked away. After a long moment, she shrugged. I was barking up the wrong tree with you. You made that clear from the start; I just didn t want to hear it. Or maybe I thought I could change you. But I couldn t, and that s okay, because people shouldn t be changed.
Dani agreed with that, to a certain extent. People shouldn t be changed-but perhaps they should grow. Which would explain the constant, hollow ache that had filled her chest whenever she tried not to care about Zaf and failed.
Growing pains.
Thank you for apologizing, Jo said. I appreciate it.
Yes, well. Record the incident in your diary tonight, because I doubt it ll ever happen again.
I m sure you re right, Jo snorted. And I m sorry, too. Honestly, I just . . . I kind of want us to be okay again.
Oh thank God. Yes. Let s be okay again.
Jo grinned. Then, after a slight hesitation, she held open her arms.
It was a wonderfully awkward hug, and Dani felt better for it-just as she felt better for being open and honest, for engaging with emotion even if the vulnerability made her uncomfortable. For trusting Jo enough to accept that she cared, and daring to care in return.
They went their separate ways with uncertain smiles, and Dani felt as if she d been reunited with the best parts of herself.
Not the parts so obsessed with staying safe that they electrocuted anyone who got too close.
But the strong parts, the determined parts, the ones that made her the woman she was.
And she remembered Gigi s words: You know him best. You know how to explain and how to earn his forgiveness.
Click.
She knew what to do.
Dani hurried off to her seminar, ideas sparking, mentally cataloguing every romance novel she d ever seen Zaf read or heard him talk about.
While her students got to grips with the horror of close reading on a Tuesday morning, she opened her laptop and ordered digital copies of every love story she could recall.
Dani might not be good at everything, but she d always been damn good at learning.